20041218-cruise-friends-memories Part 3

[jhemond]

You know you're from Vermont when (some of these could apply to other places as well):

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 4 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the road.
2. "Vacation" means going to Burlington for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 60 mph through 3 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting jackets at social events.
9. You install outside security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and Fritos.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the general store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: pert' near winter, winter, mud season, construction.
17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even
when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
18. Going the bathroom at night involves boots and a flashlight.
19. You have aunts who give ammo as birthday gifts.
20. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Vermont

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by videogal1
Bad news...
Cash, the Verandah Dog was turned down for a post-repositioning cruise room at the Candy Cane Inn, next door to Disneyland. "no animals, not even Service Dogs." and this is a Disney Good Neighbor Resort....

To be continued:

That's not legal is it? I thought service dogs were supposed to be allowed anywhere people were.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by paulcrsb
Jenny - Loved the tech support joke! Iwonder if you can just hit delete?

Paul

I wouldn't hit anything - you might get hit back.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by videogal1
This, of course, is illegal... What ever shall we do?

note: Anyone bored with Cash's Tales of Discrimination (ooo, THAT word) can just move on...I'm just filling up space here, anyway....Tails for the tough-skinned

To be continued:

Guess I should have kept reading before replying.

 

[jhemond]

Things to never say to a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
This, of course, is illegal... What ever shall we do?

note: Anyone bored with Cash's Tales of Discrimination (ooo, THAT word) can just move on...I'm just filling up space here, anyway....Tails for the tough-skinned

To be continued:

We consulted with our handy ADA consultant who called the Candy Cane Inn's General Manager and proceeded to offer some corrective advice in the form of California and Federal law on the topic. YAYYYYY, ADA to the rescue! The Mighty Ripper has resources....

So, was the room reserved? Drum roll (not sesame seed)...
To be continued:

 

[afff]

Originally posted by jhemond
EDITED to say: YAY! A T.O.P.!!!!

Ok, here's one to start the day off right. This one is for all the married men.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)


______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Jenny.....very good

I'm going to forward this to the guy who fixes my computer and just was recently married.

 

[jhemond]

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

[tinksdad]

Since we're at it:

When Uncle Charles died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully-grown – with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude. Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music – anything he could think of to try and set a good example…. Nothing worked.

Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got angrier and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming…then suddenly quiet.

Bill was frightened he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said” “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill perceived outburst never again occurs.”

Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
We consulted with our handy ADA consultant who called the Candy Cane Inn's General Manager and proceeded to offer some corrective advice in the form of California and Federal law on the topic. YAYYYYY, ADA to the rescue! The Mighty Ripper has resources....

So, was the room reserved? Drum roll (not sesame seed)...
To be continued:

The travel agent involved in this called the Candy Cane Inn and, not wanting to ruffle feathers any further by mentioning a DOG of any type, requested a handicapped accessible room. Okey Dokey (not really) says the reservationist...all of our HANDICAPPED ACCESSIBLE rooms are super deluxe, top of the line, newly refurbished and

To be continued:

 

[tinksdad]

Joke TOP

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, ...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

How can you tell if another blonde has been using your computer?
There is writing on the white out.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

 

[jhemond]

Originally posted by tinksdad
Since we're at it:

When Uncle Charles died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully-grown – with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude. Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music – anything he could think of to try and set a good example…. Nothing worked.

Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got angrier and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming…then suddenly quiet.

Bill was frightened he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said” “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill perceived outburst never again occurs.”

Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Your's is better!!

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
The travel agent involved in this called the Candy Cane Inn and, not wanting to ruffle feathers any further by mentioning a DOG of any type, requested a handicapped accessible room. Okey Dokey (not really) says the reservationist...all of our HANDICAPPED ACCESSIBLE rooms are super deluxe, top of the line, newly refurbished and

To be continued:

They only cost $XX ($30.00) a night more than the standard rooms. Now, this is a "Resort" that I remember from my childhood visits to Disneyland, as that motel that looked like it had just escaped from the North Pole....plywood snow on the roof and all that (cool beans)...and only cost $X a night for the penthouse suite....
Something fishy here...
To be continued:

 

[afff]

Originally posted by videogal1
Bad news...
Cash, the Verandah Dog was turned down for a post-repositioning cruise room at the Candy Cane Inn, next door to Disneyland. "no animals, not even Service Dogs." and this is a Disney Good Neighbor Resort....

To be continued:

Lynda.....This is illegal in Ontario where we live. What are the laws in regards to this problem in California? ( Is that where the repositioning cruise is leaving from?)


I remember a story similar to yours involving a sit-in restaurant and a service dog in Toronto.

The person went public through the media and by the end of the next day that restaurant had their hands slapped and was told that must allow service dogs into their establishment.
The problem was corrected immediately.

If I remember correctly the restuarant manager/owner may have been someone from another country and/or was not aware of the law.

Please phone or email the Mayor's office in that City and/or the local police department and have the problem corrected.

There must a State law in that regard as well.

Good luck.

Hope to hear back from you with good news.


Gus

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
They only cost $XX ($30.00) a night more than the standard rooms.
Something fishy here...
To be continued:

One more call to my faithful ADA consultant, who deals with this kind of stuff ALL the time....

By this time Cash is rolling his eyes and promising to be a good boy and not rip the throat out of my brother's Aussie if we could just puleeze get ON with the roof- over- our-heads -while- in- LA problem...

This is a Disney Good Neighbor Resort, remember...

and the ADA consultant says...

To be continued:

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by afff
Lynda.....This is illegal in Ontario where we live.
Hope to hear back from you with good news.

Gus

Keep reading, it gets better....

 

[WVMD]

Well - packing - getting ready to leave CA....Had a good time in SF - glad I didn't have to cross any picket lines.....

The jokes have been great - I'll have to forward some when I get home.....

Lynda - keep the story coming.....

Virgil
(TFD)

 

[jhemond]

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.


I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack@$$es.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.


I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.


I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.


I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.


I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.


I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.


I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the @$$ are permanent.

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
One more call to my faithful ADA consultant, who deals with this kind of stuff ALL the time....

This is a Disney Good Neighbor Resort, remember...

and the ADA consultant says...

"This hotel is required to provide rooms for people with disabilities at all
price ranges as rooms provided to the general public. If they chose to make
all of their accessible rooms deluxe rooms that was their prerogative. It is
not their prerogative to charge people with disabilities for that choice.

Tell your travel agent that they are required to provide you with an
accessible room at the price you would be paying if you did not need a
wheelchair accessible room."

So there...
To be continued:

 

[videogal1]

Originally posted by videogal1
"This hotel is required to provide rooms for people with disabilities at all
price ranges as rooms provided to the general public. If they chose to make
all of their accessible rooms deluxe rooms that was their prerogative. It is
not their prerogative to charge people with disabilities for that choice.

Tell your travel agent that they are required to provide you with an
accessible room at the price you would be paying if you did not need a
wheelchair accessible room."

So there...
To be continued:

Well, during all these high-level negotiations for a 3-night stay at a moderate pseudo-Disney resort, the General Manager of the resort argues with the ADA consultant in a hostile and contentious confrontation when she is informed that the reservationists need some retraining concerning Service Dog law...She responds that it couldn't possibly be one of HER people (like who else is answering your phones, lady?) and inasmuchas calls the travel agent who was so foolish as to mention the presence of a DOG in the first place...a LIAR! The fight warms up....
To be continued: