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[LuvOrlando]

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[nhpooh]

 

[wilderness01]

I'm sorry you are hurt. They sound very self centered and selfish.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't blame you for venting.

However I do not understand the level of involvement you have with them.

Is there a reason why you have to cook for them 4 times a week? That is excessive to me.

 

[terri01p]

People aren't always what you want them to be. My kids are grown now but I have a 25 yr old disabled dd that my mom and dad can't even remember her birthday, never could or ever will, this hurts us , but let it be one of their birthdays and they want the red carpet rolled out. See your not alone by and means. Life goes on , as for my other dd she could careless about them because they could careless about her.

 

[kbkids]

I don't blame you for venting.

However I do not understand the level of involvement you have with them.

Is there a reason why you have to cook for them 4 times a week? That is excessive to me.

That's what I was thinking. I don't do "one-way" relationships.

Of course, me personally, no way in heck would I have moved in next door to my in-laws!!! My FIL is fine - my MIL drives me batty!! My DH talked about buying property next to them right before we got married. I told him point blank, no way, no how - I'm not living that close to this parents.

I wouldn't want to live that close to my parents either though. My mom keeps my kids for me all the time, but they get INCREDIBLY spoiled and come home bratty afterwards, so if we lived close by, oh . . . . don't think that would be a pretty picture either.

I'm sorry they are treating you this way though. Seriously, I would rethink how much you do for them. You're just going to end up being resentful quite frequently.

 

[jonestavern]

A long term aim might be to cultivate another 'family' whilst weaning these inlaws from most expectations they have of you.
A friend of mine has very 'toxic' in laws & her family isn't very nice either (the families on both sides have alcohol, drugs & sexual things going).
She cultivated sets of 'grandparents' & extended her family to include good friends. Of course both sides have to be interested. But it's worked for her for many years & her kids get to form close relationships w/grandparent-like people who are truly involved with them.
Sue does keep her in laws & her parents in the circle, but they are definitely relegated to the outer bits, where their dramas won't wreak havoc on her family's well being.

Best of luck! It sounds like you can handle the situation and your common sense will let you know what is best for you & yr family!

Jean

 

[Kimmumum]

As Dr. Phil says " You teach people how to treat you". I feel bad for you. I have inlaws that haven't seen my kids in 4 years (and they are the only grandkids they will have since DH is an only child). Not that I think you should get rid of your inlaws or anything but I would certainly distance myself a little bit. We got tired of getting slapped in the face and feel much better now. They have made no effort to see my kids (and FIL works about 1 mile away from our house).

Is there a high school kid who can get the kids off of the bus and stay with them for a bit?? Hope it all works out for and try to have some fun

 

[Doesney]

I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. They sound like little spoled brats.

 

[tngramma]

Would you be my DDIL? I promise to help you out if you would cook for me several times a week besides dog sitting, shopping etc. I am so envious of your in-laws.

 

[powellrj]

vent away..... and know you aren't alone.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I would also like to know why you do so much for them if they just sit around in their PJ's and watch TV all day?

 

[WDSearcher]

As Dr. Phil says " You teach people how to treat you".

There's also someone who said, "You can't be taken advantage of without your permission." If you are truly not getting anything back from this relationship, then I join the ranks wondering why you're doing all that you're doing. How does your DH feel about all this? They're HIS parents, after all. If you have a problem with them, shouldn't he be helping you out here?

 

[Jeanny]

vent away

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I don't blame you for venting.

However I do not understand the level of involvement you have with them.

Is there a reason why you have to cook for them 4 times a week? That is excessive to me.

I agree. I think I know where you're coming from because I spent YEARS of my life falling all over myself doing things for people who really did not give a cr@p about me (my birth family). Believe me, the more you do for your in-laws, the more they will expect from you, and the less they will do for you. Sounds like they already think of you as the servant who is married to their son.

They will never change and start acting the way you would like them to, sad to say. I would back away from the relationship a bit; you are going way overboard with people who really don't care about you. What does your DH think about all this?

And , because I know it is very painful.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

you are going way overboard with people who really don't care about you.

You know this is an very important sentence. It is one I also had to understand with my own family.

You could be trying to "win over", "repair", etc., these people as part of your own insecurity or flaws.

I know you mentioned that your own parents were not that good.

What you are doing is "trying to fix" your own childhood thru these people.

End result is can't repair childhood. However you can live well NOW!
Getting "used" is not living "well".

That takes awhile to understand. Think on it.

 

[kimluvswdw]

I would stop doing anything for them until they start to appreciate you. Maybe they could also learn to lend you a hand.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[Breezy_Carol]

This week, I am making a change. I am not making extra for dinner for them and I am not inviting them over for my families card game with our friends.

They will probably wonder why you stoped but never figure it out on their own.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

LuvOrlando, many years ago I stopped being friends with somebody whom I had known for years, and who never let me get a word in edgewise. The kicker was one night when he spent 4 hours going on and on about his breakup with his wife, but couldn't spare 5 minutes to talk about my concerns for my father, who was newly diagnosed with Alzheimers. (This was after he had been calling me almost daily for at least a month to talk about the breakup--it was not a new thing).

The night I had my last conversation with my friend, I looked up the word friendship in the dictionary, and the first sentence of the definition started, "Friendship is a reciprocal relationship....."

Since I wasn't terribly familiar with reciprocal relationships, , this was a real eye-opener for me. I realized that I was constantly trying to "be nice" to people who really were not nice to me, and it did indeed go way, way back in my life to my relationship with my birth family.

Reciprocity needs to be the core of relationships. It's fine to volunteer and to help out, but if you are in a real RELATIONSHIP with someone, it needs to be reciprocal. Really, your in-laws DO owe you something. It's part of having a relationship. We can't always get exactly what we want on a day-to-day basis in a relationship, but it is reasonable to expect something in return. Otherwise, you are in a servant kind of relationship, not a loving relationship (hey, at least a servant gets PAID! ).

It sounds like you have your very own loving family (husband and children) plus friends. Your in-laws don't seem to be very deserving of your time and energy. I think you are right to put a bit of distance there.