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[DawnM]

Wow, she actually noticed? that woulnd't happen in our situation. She honestly doesn't "get it."

We choose not to be around them much because of it.

Dawn

Thank you all so much for the support.

MIL called this AM to make sure I'm not too angry. Like I said I'm more sad than angry.

What makes these people do this? I just don't get it?

 

[LegoMom3]

Well, DH has a $150 gift from his co to spend on dinner with me. Its been 3 months and we haven't gone out yet. I'd just love to go to NYC for a huge date with DH but the trouble is I'm hesitant to leave the kids alone with MIL. I've never left them with a sitter. What should I do?

It's time to find a sitter!! We have used my in-laws almost exclusively for babysitting - more due to convenience than anything else - but we have had times where it became very limiting (I won't leave my kids with just anyone!). Do you have friends from a church, or parents of the kids' friends that might watch them, or a recommendation for a sitter from someone you trust?

I hope however you work it out that you and DH have a wonderful time! What a great treat.

 

[lpandorf]

My Mom is pretty good to my kids in that she invites them both over, always gets them something they want when they visit and gives both equal attention. However, she's always on top of them. They are good kids, typical kids mischief once in awhile, but overall act fine. DD has never been in trouble in K or grade 1. DS is 3 and has lots of boy energy but I put him on time-out if he acts up or take his toys away and he shapes up. She is always correcting them or will say snotty things here and there to them. But I have never heard her say anything at all when my niece does something a little wrong. Not sure why she feels the need to be on top of mine all the time. It's not like I let them act up, run wild or misbehave while there. They are expected to behave.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[ScottishSweety]

We have the same problem. My MIL & FIL have a favourite son who cna do no wrong..even if he's stealing from them, drinking heavily, cheating on or hitting his wife . Their DD was the first g/child so was treated like royalty..could do nothing wrong. My DD was never treated the same and when she was 2 we had a huge falling out and didn't see any of them till DD was 6. We thought things would be better now but no such luck . I was pregnant when SIL was and we were due about 4 weeks apart, i lost the baby I was carrying while SIL went onto have another girl. At every opertunity while she was still pregnant MIL went on and on about how good the preg was and how she didn't want to lost another g/child (she seemed like she was trying to make me feel it was my fault ). By the time I had my second DD things were as bad as before. My DD's were only ever "clever" while the favoured g/kids were "gorgeous, fantastic,stunning" you name it. It got to the point where my eldest DD would cry and ask why her granny n papa didnt love her and her sister. So we decided not to see them or call them and see how long it took before they got int ouch..its been 10 months and we've not seen or spoken to them once. The last I heard MIL's voice was when she accidently called me instead of SIL..once she realised it was me she hung up. I just thank god that my family would die for my DD's, thers no favourites everyone gets treated the same..and spoilt rotton by nana n grandad lol. Since we haven't seen MIL n family my eldest DD is so much happier and hasn't even mentioned them. I know its easy to say but in the long run you'r better off wihtout ppl like that in your life because all their negativity and venom seaps into your family and causes mayhem. PS..sorry for rambling lol when I start talking I can't stop

 

[Atchley]

I guess my situation is looking up a little. My MIL treats both of my kids the same. It is her other GS that she treats like royalty. My SIL and nephew live with MIL. MIL buys him everything!!! Takes him on trips. Etc; Never really sees my kids even though she comes to town to pick up GS when he stays at his dads. We haven't seen MIL since April, but going today. (Pray for Me!) We asked MIL to go on vacation with us last year and she was all excited until she found that SIL and nephew couldn't go due to work reasons. (We didn't say they couldn't go, although...) MIL dropped us in a heartbeat. She just couldn't go. It doesn't matter that she has already been to WDW with other GS before. I will never ask again. At least my kids don't have to see on a daily basis that she treats them differently.

 

[crossfamily]

Well at least I'm not alone in this situation... My dh's mom plays favorites big time.. Her 2 favorite are my nephews.. They get everything and get to do everything.. My ds10 is from my first marriage but my dh has legally adopted him. My mil never remembers him on his birthday and at christmas she bought him some fishing weights.. from the dollar store while all the other kids got lots of gifts.. My ds is old enough to understand but its sad.. Its not the amount of the gift but come on even I can make up a great gift even at the dollar store that would look better...

Now my dh's step mom has one grandkid from her side and there are 10 on my fil's side. Her grandson goes down to visit them in Florida at least 2 times a year. My ds10 is the oldest and we have even offered to pay for everything and they always have an excuse for him not to come. It wouldnt' bother me if they would quit talking about him coming down and spending time with them.

My dh and I were just talking about this the other day and he even said my mom doesn't show favs. she buys equal for all.. Even for my bil's kids that are staying with us now. Like last night she bought everyone glow necklaces and sparklers for the fireworks.. She could never buy for one and not all of them. She even buys for them at christmas as if they were her own. I guess its all in how you are raised.. I do the same and teach my kids to do the same. If you can't do for all then you just don't do at all.. But hey its OMO

 

[bumbershoot]

I am INCREDIBLY long-winded, it turns out, and very disjointed. It might be best to skip my reply b/c it might not make any sense besides "you're not alone". I think that maybe I'm going through some sort of something, b/c every other post is about my MIL, LOL.



You've been warned.




I'm glad to know there are more. I cant' really say if DS is the least or most favorite with my MIL, it's confusing!

I think I can say he was FIL's favorite, but FIL died 7 months ago. The *one* good thing we can say (in private...we say good things in front of DS) about FIL is that he was a terrific grandpa.

But my MIL...it's odd. She had two granddaughter's even before DH and I got married. The eldest is a very lovely, dainty girl, very well behaved. The second girl is more tomboyish, she is more burly compared to her older sister. Their personalities and physical presence is obviously different. BUT they were both treated well by MIL.

Then DS arrived. MIL is from a culture that values boys any day of the week over girls. So you can SEE her wanting to treat DS better. But...DS isn't a well-behaved, princessy girl (even the second granddaughter has become that way over the years). He runs and jumps and yells. And hugs and kisses and squeezes gently. He also looks MUCH different. DH and his sister are half-Korean. DH's sister's first husband is caucasian like me. His and SIL's daughters actually look MORE Korean than their mom or my husband, even though they are less. Actually, the second girl's hair is curly and lighter than her sister's, whcih was another difference...the oldest has straight black hair that falls perfectly...

Meanwhile we say that my Irish and DS's 1/4 Welsh got together and had a Celtic party, and DS arrived with Ronald McDonald shocking orange hair...it's settled down into copper/red, and he has amber eyes (his eyes match his hair but you cant' say he has RED eyes even though they are the same color).

So that's another confusing aspect to their relationship, with different "looks" and underlying questions of paternity...though I think everyone who spends time with DS can see that he is the spitting image of both MIL and DH when they were children...all you have to do is put the pictures in black and white, and you can see the likenesses.



But you know, my husband was the "bad" child. The oldest boy, well you can't get rid of the oldest boy, because he's the one that will take care of the parents. He's 9 years older than DH, and was a little adult, taking care of DH and later SIL when my MIL couldn't/wouldn't. So oldest son is perfect (despite the 5 years of the parents not speaking to him because he had the utter gall to be gay (he would have kept it secret from them forever, but a boyfriend who quickly became an ex outed him to my FIL)). My SIL was the girl, and she was perfect in FIL's eyes. MIl and SIL had typical mom/daughter issues, and they HATED her husband (he deserved the hate, was an ex-con --bank robber and that limits your future hireability -- that met SIL while she was a counselor in his half-way house, he is an active heroin user, and SIL would say they broke up, get 1000s of dollars from her parents, then they'd get back together).

But DH, well, he was the liar. He never did lie, until his father REFUSED to believe him about something incredibly trivial. Finally DH lied and said that he DID do it, DH was punished heavily, and from then on he was the son who lies. When I first met MIL, after the trial of fire she created emotionally and verbally that I endured while trying to figure out my first Korean meal EVER (nothing was familiar, I had to ask DH about every single thing but the rice), she went through DH's faults, including lying. He could do no right. He gave his sister a car he owned, because his parents made him b/c she coudln't afford a car. She then drove it into the GROUND (she destroys cars like no one but a demolition derby driver does). And needed another car. She has been given more cars that DH can count, and each one of them is destroyed. Before FIL went into the hospital, he GAVE her a car outright...without changing the title. Do you know what a pain it is to have a title changed when the owner of record has died? Even in a community property state? And when the new owner ALREADY has a parking ticket on it? DH moved back in with his mom after she had two heart attacks (which is why he was a 28 year old living with his mommy when I met him), to take care of her. The other kids ran away from the situation.

And when FIL died, it was DH by his side, and before that it was me calling the hospital every night to get the information (they never had the Korean interpreter there for MIL, and the nurses talked SO fast, and MIL lets pride get in the way of saying "I don't understand"). And for two months DH, DS, and I gave up every aspect of our life to nearly live with her, helping her get on her feet, I got her pension and SS benefits switched over so that the very next check was the correct check and she didn't have to go a month without money...we got things switched over, we slept overnight in her incense-filled apartment (she's Korean-Buddhist and traditional in her mourning and praying, and burned something like 20 sticks at a time, and I'm allergic) that otherwise makes me ill b/c she uses mothballs in everything...

We were the good ones who did EVERYTHING for her during that time. Then SIL comes over to share a bucket of KFC with her (we're vegetarian), and 2 months of avoidance is *POOF* forgiven. And BIL decides to buy (give her money for payments, and once it's paid off he'll take it) a vehicle she couldn't get rid of (some weird bankruptcy loan on an RV that she can only pay OR have repossessed...no refinancing, no selling, nothing but those two options), and those 2 months are forgiven as well.

But after 2 months of taking care of her, the day I had a 90 minute conversation with the IRS for her (wherein I found out very very bad news about the state of her taxes since '01); while I'm still in tears about what FIL did and how bad it's going to get for MIL (I was also the one who found out that FIL had forged her name and had BIL's former partner "witness" it to steal 20K from her life insurance 6 months before he went into hospital), while I'm trying to figure out what we can do for her...she decided to lay into me about not calling her to "say 'hi'", like her sisters' daughters in law do for their mothers in law....


And *poof*, just like that, I was done with her.


I do still encourage DH and DS to visit her, but I'm conveniently busy. I invited her and her visiting sister and sister's husband to DS's birthday party, and she brought him 4T clothes bought too long ago to exchange...DS just turned 3 and is not incredibly tall or hefty (he's tall, and he's heavy, but he's trim and strong, and JUST now is growing out of 2Ts and she KNOWS this). Great, now he has two outfits for next year, but that doesn't help him THIS year.


Meanwhile, when I was going to her house, I saw the cousins princess coloring books, the barbie stuff, overnight things, all over the place...

 

[luvtogo12]

I feel for you and your DS, my father does the same thing.
My DD is their first grandchild and their only granddaughter. When she was younger my father would pick her up and take her shopping, out to lunch, etc. He would never take my DS. DS would get upset so I put a stop to it. I told my father if he can't spend any time with DS, he can't take out DD. I know that 2 kids at a time can be a challenge so I just asked my Father to maybe alternate with the kids, DD one day, DS another day. I thought this was reasonable as both kids would get their own special time with Grandpa. He decided to stop picking up DD.
I had another DS and my father treats him the same as my older DS.
My sister went on to have 2 boys, and my father just adores them (as we all do). Both my boys see it and they both feel it.
My kids are older now and they are still treated differently. My father will hand DD a $20.00 and the boys will get a $5.00. He said that is because DD now needs gas money.
It is his loss, he is missing out on getting to know 2 amazing boys!!!!

 

[Merriwind]

Two thoughts for the OP.

One, where does your husband stand in all this? A mother-son talk may do more good than you being viewed as a complaining/controlling DIL. If DH sees what you see, he should help you.

Two, after reading some of the horror stories about ILs and grandparents that other posters have posted, I think you should thank your lucky stars. You may want to try to back off a little too. I was my grandmother's favorite. It was silly. I was the first, I ate my vegetables, I preferred vanilla to chocolate (crazy, I know), I was probably a little better behaved... The times where my mom dug her heels in and tried to confront my grandmother about the favoritism is when my grandma would dig in her heels and really treat me like the favorite. Does that make sense? Like, when pushed, she would play favorite MUCH more than usual.

I know my advice/thoughts my seem contradictory, but I guess what I saying is that if you're going to confront the issue, your DH could be the spokesperson for the topic with his mom. And taking a break on confronting the issue could produce good results. JMHO.

Good luck and hugs.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[dementia412]

This issue is terrible in my family, and the funny thing is how everyone can see everyone elses favortism issues, but not their own. Going into it all would take all day.
And yes my mom has her favorite grandkid. His mom was young when she had him, and they lived with us for a while. When they moved out, my nephew was still around all the time. He became almsot a second son. He was a horrid child (I was 10 when he came around, and had to deal with his behavior). He set my bed on fire once (while I was in it), he went through bikes like crazy (broke one IN HALF), he lied, stole, smoked by the time he was 11 or 12. Doesn't matter... to this day he is my mom's favorite. His antics are seen as cute or funny. His girlriends are always at fault when they break up (seems every time I call it's a new girl). She loans him money, then complains he doesn't pay her back... but the loans never end. I personally think the worst thing is that she bought him cigarettes when he was teenager. Her reasoning was that he would still buy them himself, and pay more by getting them in town (instead of on the Air Force Base), so she might as well save him money. Hmm, how about instead you don't allow him to smoke in your home, and maybe save his life! He has a younger borther who she think very poorly of... he's just like his big brother though.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[jaxpooh]

We have a similar situation. Our household consists of me, DH, DD18 and DD17from a previous marriage, DD16 that my husband and I adopted at age 12, and DS almost 5 together. My MIL and SIL only acknowledge DD16 and DS. My husband feels all 4 kids are his as we have been together since they were 9 and 10. His family treated the older girls as if they were his until we had a child together then adopted a child together, now it's as if the older girls don't exist. I know that only two of the kids are legally his, but we feel he has four, and I feel if his family can't acknowledge that they don't need to be with any of them. SIL went as far one time as to bring a bday gift for DD17 and say "here, this is for your kid." Our relationship has gone downhill since. She never came to any bday parties until DS turned one, I made a point to tell her if you can't come for all don't come for any. She will buy presents for DD16 and DS but not even call the other girls. I was livid this weekend, I was at WDW with my middle DD for her birthday and I get a call from my SIL asking if she can take DD16 shopping and to a movie. Had I actually answered the call I would have said no way Jose unless you are extending the offer to all 3 girls (one was with me and couldn't have gone anyway and the other had to work so she'd have ended up with one regarless but at last the offer would have been made), but unfortunately when I missed the call she called my DH/her brother instead and he said sure. He did at least have a long conversation with SIL when she came to get DD16 and it must have worked, she brought back dinner for everyone here and gifts for all 4 kids.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[amyhughes]

I grew up the favorite. I was the only girl born in my generation if the family. My Aunt Janet was the only girl in hers. My Grandmother just simply favored me, we really are close. It wasn't so much material things we just really got one another, and I was also the only girl in the family aside from my Aunt. My Grandparents took me to Disney, they did end up taking my Brother later on after he grew up some. They took my older cousin a few times as well. But, now that I have my own kids they are as involved in their lives as they were mine. Picking them up once a week from school, taking them on car rides, special Dollar Store presents. But, we are also the only ones in my family that have remained close by. Everyone else has moved away.

I think though that I am getting the Karma back from my own mother. We have not really been close, ever. Long story, and really don't want to hash through that. But, sometimes is amazes me that we share DNA. She's my mother, I respect her, but sometimes she makes it hard. Well, my Mom got remarried the year I was pregnant with my first son. Great, Mom needs someone to fuss over. Her new hubby has two kids that are my age. Even better. Then his son, my step brother has a daughter. *Tires screech* My mother who for all intensive purposes forgets she is a "blood" grandmother to my boys spends about 5-6 hours a week babysitting for my Step-brother, does all of those Grandmotherly things with her versus my boys. Maybe it's payback??

In the long run, it has been my grandparents that when DS#1 was sick and I was an hour away rushed to get him from school. It was my Grandparents who took care of my eldest when I went into labor with DS#2. They stay up late worrying like I do about the speech delays, therapy sessions, and tantrums. They help potty train and restock the goody drawer. In short they really are the Grandparents my kids know. Not even my own parents can say that.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[tigercat]

In my family, each one of my kids think the other is the favourite. It is kinda funny. They will start talking to each other and argue over who is the favourite. I keep telling them that the favourite is the one I am with. Since I am with all of them and do things for each one of them they find it hard. I also have 3 very favourite dgrdd's. I make sure that each one of them knows that they are my favourite. I took the oldest to DW and in 4 days will be taking the other 2 (there is a bit of a gap between the first and second). I even tell them that they are my favourite dgrdd. Maybe I should mention that I only have 3 dgrdd's?? LOL Now I will be adding a 4th in Jan. although not sure it the new one will be a favourite dgrdd or favourite dgrds. Can't wait.
In my extended family there are favourites and you can see it but it isn't too bad. I was determined not to have that happen in my own family. That's why they are all my favourite. Besides dgrdkds are the best,.
tigercat

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[amyhughes]

Hi Amyhughs,

It sounds like you are lucky enough to have a surrogate relationship with your Grandparents that replaces your own problems with your Mother. Its hard to say whether your Grandparents took up the slack because your own Mom was not interested in you or if your Mom didn't fight hard enough and inadvertently allowed them to ruin your relationship with her. Since you were too young to actually remember what went on and how you got to where you are I guess there is little that can be done about it now. Did you ever talk to your Mom about how your relationship with your Grandparents makes her feel? Trust me, I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt. My own bloodline is absolutely evil so I'm NOT going to tell you to love her just because you share DNA. But, if your relationship soured because she felt outnumbered by them and rejected by you the situation isn't hopeless. I'm sure its painful so here is a

As for my situation, it seems to me that my own MIL is seeking to disrupt my relationship with my daughter by driving a wedge between us. She has a DD who she fussed over and seems to be looking to 'adopt' my DD as a replacement. NOT HAPPENING

Sometimes I can't decide which ticks me off more, what she does or the fact that she thinks I don't notice.

Thanks for the hugs. My Mom was a very angry person when I was a kid. She has since mellowed out but I dare not leave my kids with her. I really did run away from home in high school to live with my grandparents because of it. Our relationship has never been the same. She is a nice person, and if I wasn't her daughter I am sure we would be friends but there is a history there.

But this thread isn't about me!! I think with your situation you have done good by putting your foot down. It has taken me forever to do that with my MIL. (She is dating a married man and insists on bringing him around my kids) I just finally told her I wasn't comfortable with that. Makes get togethers uncomfortable but hey I got kids to raise. I think sometimes that people don't get how much their actions effect others. Unfortunately for most of us on here sounds like we're surrounded!