13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[kmp1191]

You would think...with everything that has been going on this past week that DS would really be towing the line....trying to earn back his stuff....going the extra mile....making sure he did his work and turned it in at school....you would think.....
I'm so stupid. I would have thought all of that....but he's proven me wrong. I got an e-mail from the teacher....he's missing 2 essays...200 points each, he can't find his journal packet....100 points, and he hasn't done 7 workbook pages....he has the workbook...just didn't do the work!! Thats all in Language Arts. In Science he was supposed to turn in a Current Events Article. Nope...didn't do that either. Said "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT." WTH!!! You open the fricking newspaper and you cut out an article of something that is happening NOW!! Also, he said "The kid passing out the "CHAT" notebooks didn't give me mine so I couldn't do it." OMG!!! I asked him if he was serious! You mean to tell me that you couldn't get up out of the chair and go get your notebook?? Are you SERIOUS that that is why you didn't do it??!!!
Yes, I have been yelling tonight....LOUDLY!! I have reached the point of FED UP! I told my DH he might need to come home before I really lose it!!

Oh....he brought home a sheet yesterday wanting to sign up for Yearbook Staff. Yeah....that would be a NO! You can't do your normal work and you're going to sign up for the PRIVILEGE of being on Yearbook! I told him he had to EARN it. Also, as of Monday his locker will be gone. He can't seem to remember to bring his stuff to class or home, so now he won't have that excuse. He will have to haul it ALL to EVERY class, and home, EVERY day!!

I have to go. The more I think about this the madder I get.
Don't worry, i'm not going to do bodily harm to DS. I'm not THAT bad of a parent.

marie

 

[Maryr1]

First and foremost-you are not a bad parent. No way, no how. A bad parent wouldn't care this much. Now, onto the topic at hand. This is way bigger than bad judgement on your sons part.....at least I think so. I am starting to think there is something else going on......If he were my son, I would take him to the doctor for a check up (just for my own peace of mind), I would schedule an appointment for counseling (family as well as individual) and lastly I would drug test this boy. Frequently. Good luck. Breath deeply-and take care of yourself. Being a parent is the hardest job I've ever had.

 

[KATHINOWA]

Could something be going on at school, with friends or family that you're unaware of? It sounds like a cry for help. Stay strong.

 

[NVDisMom]

First and foremost-you are not a bad parent. No way, no how. A bad parent wouldn't care this much. Now, onto the topic at hand. This is way bigger than bad judgement on your sons part.....at least I think so. I am starting to think there is something else going on......If he were my son, I would take him to the doctor for a check up (just for my own peace of mind), I would schedule an appointment for counseling (family as well as individual) and lastly I would drug test this boy. Frequently. Good luck. Breath deeply-and take care of yourself. Being a parent is the hardest job I've ever had.

to the OP. I hadn't checked this thread in awhile, I had no idea the simple Itunes thing had gotten so out of hand. I agree with the poster above. I'd be worried there is more going on here than you know. Time for his annual checkup and a therapy session or two or more as needed. I so do not look forward to the teen years. No matter how well we think we are doing as parents, something seems to always poke its ugly head out as a growing pain. You and DH need a mini vacation. Get the kids to a trusted family memeber for an evening (better yet a weekend) so you can recharge and be refreshed and more able to deal with all of this.

 

[Hedy]

 

[Sandy321]

You would think...with everything that has been going on this past week that DS would really be towing the line....trying to earn back his stuff....going the extra mile....making sure he did his work and turned it in at school....you would think.....
I'm so stupid. I would have thought all of that....but he's proven me wrong. I got an e-mail from the teacher....he's missing 2 essays...200 points each, he can't find his journal packet....100 points, and he hasn't done 7 workbook pages....he has the workbook...just didn't do the work!! Thats all in Language Arts. In Science he was supposed to turn in a Current Events Article. Nope...didn't do that either. Said "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT." WTH!!! You open the fricking newspaper and you cut out an article of something that is happening NOW!! Also, he said "The kid passing out the "CHAT" notebooks didn't give me mine so I couldn't do it." OMG!!! I asked him if he was serious! You mean to tell me that you couldn't get up out of the chair and go get your notebook?? Are you SERIOUS that that is why you didn't do it??!!!
Yes, I have been yelling tonight....LOUDLY!! I have reached the point of FED UP! I told my DH he might need to come home before I really lose it!!

Oh....he brought home a sheet yesterday wanting to sign up for Yearbook Staff. Yeah....that would be a NO! You can't do your normal work and you're going to sign up for the PRIVILEGE of being on Yearbook! I told him he had to EARN it. Also, as of Monday his locker will be gone. He can't seem to remember to bring his stuff to class or home, so now he won't have that excuse. He will have to haul it ALL to EVERY class, and home, EVERY day!!

I have to go. The more I think about this the madder I get.
Don't worry, i'm not going to do bodily harm to DS. I'm not THAT bad of a parent.

marie

btdt - -

Now think about it - how can a teacher (who was so willing to sign the notebook) ALLOW your son to dig himself in THIS DEEP?

dont get me wrong, I'm with you, accountability - your ds is getting and taking punishment - but please.... you need to let go of the anger... for your son's sake... again I say BTDT - dont go overboard.... glad you have your dh to team up with you!

talk to your son.... LISTEN to him. Make a conference with the team of teachers and your son - ask for an action plan.... your son does NOT want to be buried in so deep he cant see the light of day - IMHO this isnt a solitary confinement time - its a time for teamwork - he needs you - he knows you are NOT GIVING IN - the punishment stands - work together - and I would ask for a social worker to come in - does your school have a student support program? in where a teacher works with a small (5 - 6) group with the assignment notebook and helps keep the kids organized and works (its for kids that are not on an IEP - not LD but still are in over their heads!)

give your son a plan to dig out -


my ds is now 23 - graduated from college, other ds (who refused to do a term paper in high school "what's the point") got in to a great college - these are the times that try mom's souls!

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

Wow.

There has been an amazing amount of great advice given on this thread.

I am printing this whole thread out for future reference.

OP, you are doing a great job.

 

[kmp1191]

Wow.

There has been an amazing amount of great advice given on this thread.

I am printing this whole thread out for future reference.

OP, you are doing a great job.

I don't feel like I'm doing a great job. I feel like.....nevermind.
I'm done crying. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired.....period.


Lisa~call me in the morning.

Marie

 

[Katy Belle]

You would think...with everything that has been going on this past week that DS would really be towing the line....trying to earn back his stuff....going the extra mile....making sure he did his work and turned it in at school....you would think.....
I'm so stupid. I would have thought all of that....but he's proven me wrong. I got an e-mail from the teacher....he's missing 2 essays...200 points each, he can't find his journal packet....100 points, and he hasn't done 7 workbook pages....he has the workbook...just didn't do the work!! Thats all in Language Arts. In Science he was supposed to turn in a Current Events Article. Nope...didn't do that either. Said "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT." WTH!!! You open the fricking newspaper and you cut out an article of something that is happening NOW!! Also, he said "The kid passing out the "CHAT" notebooks didn't give me mine so I couldn't do it." OMG!!! I asked him if he was serious! You mean to tell me that you couldn't get up out of the chair and go get your notebook?? Are you SERIOUS that that is why you didn't do it??!!!
Yes, I have been yelling tonight....LOUDLY!! I have reached the point of FED UP! I told my DH he might need to come home before I really lose it!!

Oh....he brought home a sheet yesterday wanting to sign up for Yearbook Staff. Yeah....that would be a NO! You can't do your normal work and you're going to sign up for the PRIVILEGE of being on Yearbook! I told him he had to EARN it. Also, as of Monday his locker will be gone. He can't seem to remember to bring his stuff to class or home, so now he won't have that excuse. He will have to haul it ALL to EVERY class, and home, EVERY day!!

I have to go. The more I think about this the madder I get.
Don't worry, i'm not going to do bodily harm to DS. I'm not THAT bad of a parent.

marie

I think this is still the aftermath of the behavior from before. He established bad habits and doesn't have the skills to suddenly dig in and do all the homework. I have a DS13 who is very bright but slacked off terribly last year and had mediocre teachers who didn't give a darn. This year I don't leave the parking lot until I'm sure he has everything he needs and I check all his work after he does it. After 5 weeks of doing this its getting better and he's getting used to putting forth effort. Luckily his teachers post all assignments on-line so its easy to check up on him.

Does your son have at least one good, true friend? Is he being bullied? I do think its time to enlist the help of a psychiatrist. You have handled this beautifully. I know you don't feel like you have, but really, you've done it all right! But you are not finished and you need to take it a step further.

I also agree that the teachers need to support you now. He needs help getting his ducks in a row. You ARE helping him at home and they need to help him at school.

This could be depression, drugs, or just normal teenage angst, but its time to call in some big time help.

My heart hurts for you. I can feel the love for your son in your posts. I know this is the hardest thing you've had to do. You and he will come out the other side

Hang in there.

Katy

 

[kmp1191]

I don't think I want to give myself up for adoption anymore.
(although that could change at any moment!)

Sandy~Can I send DS to you....you did a good job....you're experienced!
ZipaDeDoDah~send them to Sandy....she's been through it....she know's how to handle it!

Ya know the really "funny" thing. After I got done "ranting", I told him to go to his room and not come out until he had BOTH essays done!
(yes, I'm a bad parent, I opened a bottle of wine and walked to the neighbors!)
Anyway, I came home after an hour or "so" and he had the 1st essay done.....and done BEAUTIFULLY!!! And I told him what a great job he did!!!
He wrote an essay about "MY Best Day Yet". He wrote about when we went to Alabama over the 4th of July....it was just like we were there again. I didn't even find a fricking puncuation error!! WTH!!! Why can't they just do that without the yelliing and cussing and drama involved??? I just don't get it!

The next essay has to be about his "Worst Day Ever"..hhhmmmmm..
I asked him what he was going to write about...he said the day we moved to Alabama. I said....do you REALLY think that's been the WORST day? He said "no......this week has been the worst day ever." I said...for you and me both! I also said.....ok....write about it. Don't hold back. I'm not the one grading it....I won't even read it if you don't want me to. To tell you honestly...I don't think I want to read it!!
I'm anxious to see if he writes about this week and how he feels. I'm not kidding ....the other essay...wow.
That's what kills me...he know WHAT to do , and HOW to do it....but to ACTUALLY do it...???

Ok...tomorrow is another long day....thanks for listening and advising...I appreciate it all!!!


marie

 

[shortbun]

You are doing really well!!! Keep parenting like you are and eventually you'll both come out on the other side in good shape. Remember that he's been screwing up for a while and you didn't know it so more might come to light but know that he's really working on NOT screwing up now so don't sweat it. Just put any more you find in the same pile and continue along the same path. Also, a counselor might be in order. He may need someone to talk to besides you. I'm not saying coddle him, just that teenaged boys can be a real mess and somewhere there needs to be a safe place to land. Keep doing the love thing too, it's important for both of you that you know it's still there. " I want you to know that I can be very angry and still love you. We will get through this; it's going to be a very long, hard road." I like that the lock is off his door and he's lost all privilege.

 

[kmp1191]

Good morning!
I'm going to make sure it's a good day....no more beating a dead horse.
DH and I are going to call a meeting with his teachers at school and get a plan together with them. His Language Arts teacher is great about keeping in contact with me, and I need the other teachers to be as well. I don't think there are drugs involved...I think it's typical teenage stupidity.

Have a good day!
marie

 

[dolphindan1]

I'd keep the iPod for awhile. If you sell it you won't get your money back anyway. You've punished him. See if he will have learned a lesson. Give it back after he repays you. If anything like this happens again, show him no mercy-give it away, sell it, whatever, but he has to be there and see the person pick it up and take it with them.

lots of chores....needs to know he has to earn what he spends

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Marie, these maybe are your worst days. However good news is that you are moving forward.

So enjoy your Saturday.

 

[N&B'smom]

Sounds to me like you're handling this wonderfully. You've got a good kid, he's just going through some 'stuff' right now. You stay on him and he'll be just fine.

Shelby

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't think I want to give myself up for adoption anymore.
(although that could change at any moment!)

Sandy~Can I send DS to you....you did a good job....you're experienced!
ZipaDeDoDah~send them to Sandy....she's been through it....she know's how to handle it!

Ya know the really "funny" thing. After I got done "ranting", I told him to go to his room and not come out until he had BOTH essays done!
(yes, I'm a bad parent, I opened a bottle of wine and walked to the neighbors!)
Anyway, I came home after an hour or "so" and he had the 1st essay done.....and done BEAUTIFULLY!!! And I told him what a great job he did!!!
He wrote an essay about "MY Best Day Yet". He wrote about when we went to Alabama over the 4th of July....it was just like we were there again. I didn't even find a fricking puncuation error!! WTH!!! Why can't they just do that without the yelliing and cussing and drama involved??? I just don't get it!

The next essay has to be about his "Worst Day Ever"..hhhmmmmm..
I asked him what he was going to write about...he said the day we moved to Alabama. I said....do you REALLY think that's been the WORST day? He said "no......this week has been the worst day ever." I said...for you and me both! I also said.....ok....write about it. Don't hold back. I'm not the one grading it....I won't even read it if you don't want me to. To tell you honestly...I don't think I want to read it!!
I'm anxious to see if he writes about this week and how he feels. I'm not kidding ....the other essay...wow.
That's what kills me...he know WHAT to do , and HOW to do it....but to ACTUALLY do it...???

Ok...tomorrow is another long day....thanks for listening and advising...I appreciate it all!!!


marie

Here is a few thoughts: IMO, he should write about the worst "week" of his life but not have to turn it in. He should write about it, confess in it, write about upsetting his parents etc. and then you both should burn it.
Then, he should write about moving. And that's the paper he should turn in. He is embarrassed about this week, I'm sure. Should be ashamed and probably is. Not something he wants his teachers to know all about--so let him write about the move.

Also, you do know that in some classes it is not really cool to be smart and do your work and be a "good student". Now we both know our kids should rise above this. However, if he is in an agressive class, that may be easier said than done. Some kids get into a class (or group of friends even) where there is some friendly competition for grades and excelling.
Sometimes they do not have that.
He sounds smart and capable. That is why I am even going in this direction. It may seem normal, crazy teen behavior (forgetting to do assignments, being lazy and not doing them, being unorganized, etc. But it may also be more than that. Bullying is huge in our schools. It is "not cool" to be the smart kid all too often. It is not "good" to hand every assignment in and be the "perfect student". It is a sad pressure that kids very often deal with. It could be that he is in a class or a group that has adopted this thinking and he is trying to "fit in" with his peers.

I have a nephew who says this a problem in his class. He is 16 now and tries not to allow it to bother him because he has been OK with not fitting in. he's extremely smart and a very good student. He's a nerd though.

I have a 14yo DD myself and she's a smart one too. She's always done well in school but had severe bullying issues for the past 2 years at a Christian school! Her class is "extremely agressive" (this was told to me by her guidance counselor). To make a long story short, the bullying was horrible and although she kept her grades up, she would bring home progress reports with low grades last year. When questioned, she would say, "Oh do not worry about that. As soon as I turn this paper in, it will go up." Go up by like 20 points! "Well why didn't you turn it in? " and the answer I got was usually, "I don't know." The assignment was done, sitting in her locker, waiting to be turned in for God's sakes.
I did not not know until towards the end of the year when it all started coming out that this was her way of feeling like she was fitting in. On the progress report she could show her "friends" a 75 (ew, bad) and then turn the assignment in and it'd go up by 20 pts! (95, yay)
This was a protection thing she was doing for herself within this class. 28 kids. Small, with no where to turn. Ugh. Should she have risen above it? Yeah, probably, but as an 8th grader she was trying to cope with a horrible problem the best way she knew how. For that, I'm proud of her.
Hopefully, as this class goes through high school and learns the importance or grades for life and college, they'll come around. However, she is not with them anymore so I'm going to let their parents worry about their own kids problems and also let'em find someone's else's life to make hell instead my own DD's.

I tell you all this because there could be things happening that you do not know about. Boys tend to get quiet and shut down around puberty even worse than girls, I think. It took life getting really hard for DD to open up and tell us what was going on. This year we are homeschooling (her choice) and she is free to move at her own pace and learn all she wants. I have a totally different child this year than from last year at this time. I was blaming it all on typical teenage drama so that is why I am sharing this with you.

Many hugs and you are doing great! Please keep your chin up. Being a parent is tough and being 13 is tough too.

 

[mickeymedic]

You are doing a wonderful job in this tough situation. I have no parenting advise, as I am not a parent. But I wanted to show my support. Hang in there!

 

[TLSnell1981]

Did you get a little satisfaction today?

 

[DizneeMommy]

Boy, I know where to come for advice when I hit the teenage years! My son's 10, so it won't be long. You guys be ready for me!

OP, hope things improve for you and your son. DH had some really troubled teen years, but he survived and is now a pastor! scared1: ) You're "training him up in the way he should go". . .he'll thank you for it one day!

 

[manning]

Just heard a Mark Twain story.

When your child turns 13 put him in a big barrel seal it and cut a small round hole in it to feed him

When he turns 16 seal the hole.