1 in 4 Married Couples Sleep in Separate Beds

[donaldduck352]

With me and my DW,sleeping is the best part of the day.After 22yrs together,spooning is the highlight of our day.We are a working couple and the few hours we got to have with each other we make it our own.Talk about our day and relieve stress is what it does for us!!!!

 

[mykidsand_i]

How can no sleep improve anyone's relationship? How can a craby wife/husband be a happy and supportive person if they don't get sleep. It's SLEEP. People NEED SLEEP. We, too, have tried every over the counter 'stop snoring aide' we've gone to see Dr.s we've done the sleep study. NOTHING has helped, he's not 'qualified' for anything.

I believe that what works for some doesn't work for others. Some people believe that having multiple partners is the only way that a good relationship will work, some people believe that kids ruin a relationship, some people think their spouse 'over does things', some people belive that their way is the only way. What ever. To each their own. EVERYONE has an opinion, they have their own opinion- it's because of the way they were raised, it's because of their PERSONAL LIFE EXPERIANCES... There's a certain person on this thread that is only coming to 'rattle other people's chains' and get a rise out of everyone else. If they are really that pig headed, I don't know...if they are just having a bad day, I don't know. Is this person like this in real life, or are they saying these things BECAUSE they aren't actually having a face to face conversation? I don't care what their opinion is if they aren't open to others opinions. If you are that close minded, why should others listen to or even respect you as a person? All I know is this: what works for my husband and I- or what works for other married couples- it doesn't matter. As long as it works for the people IN THE RELATIONSHIP. No one has the right to tell anyone that their marriage sucks because they don't SLEEP together. If one cannot do ACTUAL SLEEPING, then the marriage is doomed for failure.

 

[bumbershoot]

Sleeping apart is sleeping apart. Love making doesn't require a bed.

So true!

I think the friction is caused because the statement hits home and people are forced to look and realize that maybe there is a better way of doing things. So right away they get offended and say that I am wrong, when in reality, if they made more of an effort to be together with their SO, their marriage would be stronger.

No, seriously. There's no friction apart from you saying these things that work for YOUR relationship, but absolutely do NOT work for others.

You will. I remember that I would be actually ANGRY in the middle of the night because I would lay awake for hours. Then I was in foul mood most of the day, until I could get some sleep. I finally used to WHACK my DH to get him to stop and then he would get mad. Then we'd just be sniping at each other.

I totally remember those days in my home....

1 You miss the bonding with your SO.
2 You miss out on the time to talk before you fall asleep.
3 you miss out on the gentle touch of a hand on your back as one person is reading,
4 you miss out on cuddling in the middle of the night,
5 you miss out on the joy of waking next to someone you love in the morning.

6 but you are removing a huge part of your married life by not sharing a bed.

7 Why not hop in the car and drive down the road and stay in an apartment or a hotel room? doing the same thing by staying apart. Yet that idea would be crazy....

1 I bond with DH while awake.

2 We talk after DS goes to sleep. When we used to have conversations after we were tired enough to go to bed, somehow those conversations almost invariably turned into the most stupid arguments in the universe. What's better? Talking while awake and on the couch, or arguing while half-asleep in the bed?

3 "Get your hand off of me, you burning hot person you!" or "ack, you tickled me, I hate that feeling!" (my nervous system doesn't do well with random touches like that, can you tell?)

4 Molly, bursting into flames from the intense heat emanating off of her husband, wishes that Robert hadn't cuddled up against her while she was sleeping so nicely... And what's funny is that when I was pregnant, even as early as 1 WEEK post-conception (aka 3 "weeks pregnant"), I became MORE of a furnace than DH...this was during our honeymoon, and we nearly had the cruiseline steward separate our beds, because I was making him nearly burst into flames from how burning hot I was. So at last he knew what I'd been talking about!

5 You say joy of waking up with the person...I say "omg your breath". I do know from, er, previous experience that some people wake up with OK breath. DH is, alas, not one of them. (I don't think I am, either, for the record)

6 I don't feel that sleeping=married life. When I was a teenager I would have thought so. But once I grew up a little bit more than that, I realized that it's not always like that. At 23 or so I met a guy who slept separately from his girlfriend, and while I thought that was weird of them, it did open my eyes. He was a Marine and had a bit of PTSD...it was just safer for her to sleep in a separate room from him...

7 I actually would LOVE to be so wealthy that we could own two homes, right next to each other! I could have one, and DH could have the other. It would be MOST excellent. I had that feeling even before I met DH, it's actually a philosophy of my life that will likely be impossible forever....

We have separate bedrooms. He has visitation priviledges.

Heh heh. It makes you sound like royals.

Earplugs..

Definition of earplugs, by Molly = things that make it harder to hear the snoring *noise*, but amplify the sound of one's own tinnitus, and do NOTHING about the vibration of the snoring through the mattress.

I would like to point out the best marriages are ones that are built on mutual respect. It takes communication (which correct me if I am wrong-is done while awake) and trust to build respect.

...It was through communication and a great respect for each other that we decided to sleep separately. We just don't sleep together, and by that I mean sleep. Otherwise we enjoy the red hot smokin' monkey lovin we always have, along with the best pillow talk we have ever had-we just don't sleep together. We've been together 25 years, married for 24 BTW.

Awesome post!

It's only THIS year that DH feels like he can tell people that he sleeps separately from me. He was ashamed before, even though it is absolutely fabulous for our marriage and relationship.

Oh, forgot to say...he now has a job that has him travel. In the spring, he was here for only half the time! Before he slept apart from us, he almost couldn't sleep alone, if DS and I went away to visit my brother or whatever. But now he can. So he's more rested on his trips, which means he can do his work quickly (gives him time to sightsee) and perfectly (always a good thing).

I think that is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high. There are so many things out there that say a marriage should work this way and people try too hard to follow those rules rather than just figuring out what is best for their marriage.

You said that so well!

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I can't believe we are still having this debate!!!! One of the main things the study found was that you CAN NOT assume there is trouble in the marriage just because spouses sleep separately!!!!! In the end, it is about what works for the couple involved!

 

[Planogirl]

Earplugs..

And you get the bonus of an improved marriage by being able to share the bed with your SO.

Earplugs don't work. Yes, he is often that loud and I'm a light sleeper.

Thanks for the opinion. Sorry that it doesn't work for us but then our relationship is based on more than us being in bed together.

 

[indimom]

DH and I share a bed, as do all the friends/family in my age bracket (that I know of). I don't know about the others, but we would have a hard time sleeping apart at this point in our lives. BUT, we do have some mild sleep issues: he is a night owl and likes to watch tv in bed to settle down. I find it hard to fall asleep with any light/sound. If necessary I will put my pillow of ther top of my head to block the light and sound. But usually, he just rubs my head, which relaxes me enough to sleep even with the tv on.

I clearly remember my grandparents having two twin beds in their room (my grandfather had serious leg issues due to a farming accident and couldn't take the pain of being jostled in bed).

My parent and my ILs both went to seperate beds in seperate rooms in the last few years. Snoring issues, insomnia, and other problems that prevented them from getting a decent nights sleep in the same room. They are all pushing 70. They still have happy and successful marriages. So, I can definitely see that there may come a time where DH & I sleep habits could change. No big deal either way.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I stopped reading on page 8. The judgmental posts and insinutations that anyone who doesn't do it their way must have a bad marriage were making me laugh too loudly and I worried about waking DH.

DH and I sleep in the same bed....most of the time. He has changing shifts from time to time and sometimes (like last night) he comes home with a full mind and needs to wind down until around 3 or 4 in the morning. Since he doesn't want to disturb me (light sleeper), he'll crawl into the guest bed next to the office here. IMO, it's that kind of consideration that makes an intimate marriage. Not the lovey-dovey, holding hands, my-wife-and-I-are-so-close-that-we-must-be-together-all-the-time-and-if-you're-not-this-way-there's-something-wrong-with-you attitude. Just my opinion, though.

And here's another:

It's been my experience that those who are desperately trying so hard to prove to others how good their relationship by telling others how to do things generally are the first we hear of going to marriage counselling and then divorce court.

Those who seem to have a great marriage aren't giving away advice for free. They'll respond (maybe) if asked. But, in general, they simply have nothing to prove. They love their spouse, they love the logistics of their relationship, and they prefer to demonstrate to their wife/husband how much they love her/him rather than being concerned about how their actions may look to total strangers.

If my marriage can't survive some total stranger's (or even a family member's) judgment, then I don't have a strong marriage. I think I mentioned in another post that my marriage is about me and him; everyone else is just along for the ride and can get out of the car any time they (or we) want.

 

[Colleen27]

We sleep together most nights, but there have been enough occasions where one thing or another led one of us to sleep in the spare room that I wouldn't make any judgments on couples who routinely sleep apart. I always fall asleep first, almost as soon as my head hits the pillow, and usually sleep like the dead, but once in a while I wake in the night DH's snoring makes it hard to get back to sleep so I'll go in the other room. And sometimes DH will go to the spare room on really hot nights because I'm a cuddly sleeper who will roll over in my sleep to snuggle, and he has a hard time sleeping when he's overheated (we don't have a/c). And when our daughter was in that phase where she'd have bad dreams and climb in bed with us, one or the other of us would often end up squeezed out (thank goodness she's 8 and has outgrown that now!)

I don't think the sleeping arrangements really make much difference to the happiness or longevity of a marriage. It is how the couple interacts during their waking hours that matters.

 

[Chelley00]

It's been my experience that those who are desperately trying so hard to prove to others how good their relationship by telling others how to do things generally are the first we hear of going to marriage counselling and then divorce court.

I don't care what people think about my marriage, because I know what it is. My problem is people who are so judgemental and close minded that they can't believe people can do things their way and be fine. Sometimes people need to hear another side of things, whether they agree or not.

 

[disneyfans95]

I don't care what people think about my marriage, because I know what it is. My problem is people who are so judgemental and close minded that they can't believe people can do things their way and be fine. Sometimes people need to hear another side of things, whether they agree or not.

Exactly. Which is why I am glad my viewpoint got people to think about their marriages. And there is a reason why over 70% of the people here do share a bed with their SO.

 

[elizke]

Still struggling through 24 years of marriage, sleeping separately for the past 15.

And now I realize how lucky I am to have a relationship that can withstand a few imperfections!

 

[ckay87]

Exactly. Which is why I am glad my viewpoint got people to think about their marriages. And there is a reason why over 70% of the people here do share a bed with their SO.

If I were forced to live by the rules of YOUR marriage just because YOU said it's right, I would be divorced within the year. You are flat out wrong to be dictating the rules for a happy marriage. Wrong in a way that could be actively harmful to people reading here.

You want to guilt people into sleeping with their spouses when they KNOW they cannot actually GET sleep with their spouses? And keep in mind that people can be quite driven by guilt. So okey dokey, you can then feel proud when they fall asleep behind the wheel. Perhaps they will at least crash having had YOUR idea of an ideal marriage. Sleeping is a necessary biological function. More necessary than being all cuddly wuddly with some guy because those are the *rules.*

 

[HelenePA]

Exactly. Which is why I am glad my viewpoint got people to think about their marriages. And there is a reason why over 70% of the people here do share a bed with their SO.

The only thing your "point of view" made me think about is i'm glad our relationship is strong enough to with stand not being able to sleep with each other...

 

[bettymae1121]

DH and I sleep apart. But we have a really good reason! DH works 3rd shift. Even on his two days off he still stays up at night and sleeps during the day so his internal clock doesn't get goofed up. The only time we sleep together is on vacation!

Even if we did both sleep at night, I think we'd sleep apart though. I kick in my sleep (all the time, every night) so I doubt DH would be able to put up with that for very long.

We have a very healthy marriage so this isn't an issue for us.

 

[Colleen27]

I think the friction is caused because the statement hits home and people are forced to look and realize that maybe there is a better way of doing things. So right away they get offended and say that I am wrong, when in reality, if they made more of an effort to be together with their SO, their marriage would be stronger.

It isn't just those who sleep apart from their spouse that have disagreed with you. My husband and I sleep in the same bed probably 360 nights out of any given year and there's no way we could possibly be more together unless we were joined at the hip (we live together, work together, sleep together), but I still think you're way off track when it comes to the importance of sleeping in the same bed.

 

[MIGrandma]

Exactly. Which is why I am glad my viewpoint got people to think about their marriages. And there is a reason why over 70% of the people here do share a bed with their SO.

Your "viewpoint" did not get me to think about my marriage.

DH and I have been happily married for 35 years come September, I think we already know we have a great marriage without your "viewpoint." We don't need to sleep in the same bed to have a great marriage. Loving each other (with our faults and quirks), holding hands when we're walking in the park, doing special little things for each other "just because", listening to each other and hearing each other when we speak, taking care of each other when we're sick, and the list goes on and on and on. Those things are way more important than sleeping in the same bed.

I'm happy that you and your SO are happy sleeping in the same bed, but it's your attitude towards those of us that don't that bugs me (and others it looks like). What works for you is great, as does what works for the rest of us. Everyone is entitled to share their opinion, but it's when someone thinks their opinion is right and everyone else's isn't, that's what's wrong.

 

[disneyfans95]

You are flat out wrong to be dictating the rules for a happy marriage. Wrong in a way that could be actively harmful to people reading here.
QUOTE]

Now that is going over the top, sorry to say. It is a viewpoint that I have and fully understand not everyone else shares. It does not harm anyone. Actively harmful? I am not getting that one.

As many others have stated (which is 100% their right) that they don't care what someone on the 'net says, or that their marriage works "x" way vs another way. All good stuff and nobody is being hurt by our discussion points. Sure we don't agree, but that can be the very nature of why we come here. To hear what others have to say about various topics and many times, debate that viewpoint.

 

[badcramps]

Exactly. Which is why I am glad my viewpoint got people to think about their marriages. And there is a reason why over 70% of the people here do share a bed with their SO.

For me your viewpoint has provided a little entertainment on an otherwise boring night.

First I thought maybe you have an insane sex drive and need to be in the same bed all night long to do it multiple times. My mother has a story about talking to her middle aged neighbors once about sleeping in separate rooms when we kids were little and the wife acted like that was crazy. She said, "Oh no--my husband wants me in *his* bed every night!" and winked and batted her eyes to imply something sexual was happening *every* night. My mom simply didn't believe that was true. After all, I would think somebody who needs sex that badly all the time would be doing it in every room of the house at any time of day, so that wouldn't seem to explain why you're so obsessed with being asleep in the same bed.

Then I moved on to thinking you must be a member of some crazy religious sect that has some weird thing about the sanctity of the marital bed. But I figured in that case you wouldn't be able to keep the religious aspects under wraps for all of those posts.

Then I thought maybe you were just having some fun being crazy. You've got a lot of posts, so it's not clear why you'd decide to do that all of the sudden. But hey--we all need to have some fun sometimes right. Or maybe you had a little too much to drink last night which lowered your inhibitions.

One other possibility is that your DIS name is a persona and you don't even have a SO. I was suspicious after the talk of "cuddling in the middle of night." I can imagine teens/college students, people in the very early sex constantly stage of a relationship, people who have no jobs/responsibilities, people who don't ever need sleep, or possibly honeymooners who would wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle instead of just going back to sleep. But your average been married awhile, have a job, have kids, have a dog, have a house, have health problems, need sleep person--not so much into interrupting the little time for sleep one has in order to just cuddle.

Please keep going and offer us more rules for marriage--perhaps then the rest of us can gather some evidence from your posts and then vote on which of these possibilities we think is most likely.

 

[harleyquinn]

lmao!

BTW "Badcramps" How in the world did you pick that name and would anyone actually want to know the answer?!

 

[disneyfans95]

For me your viewpoint has provided a little entertainment on an otherwise boring night.

First I thought maybe you have an insane sex drive and need to be in the same bed all night long to do it multiple times. My mother has a story about talking to her middle aged neighbors once about sleeping in separate rooms when we kids were little and the wife acted like that was crazy. She said, "Oh no--my husband wants me in *his* bed every night!" and winked and batted her eyes to imply something sexual was happening *every* night. My mom simply didn't believe that was true. After all, I would think somebody who needs sex that badly all the time would be doing it in every room of the house at any time of day, so that wouldn't seem to explain why you're so obsessed with being asleep in the same bed.

Then I moved on to thinking you must be a member of some crazy religious sect that has some weird thing about the sanctity of the marital bed. But I figured in that case you wouldn't be able to keep the religious aspects under wraps for all of those posts.

Then I thought maybe you were just having some fun being crazy. You've got a lot of posts, so it's not clear why you'd decide to do that all of the sudden. But hey--we all need to have some fun sometimes right. Or maybe you had a little too much to drink last night which lowered your inhibitions.

One other possibility is that your DIS name is a persona and you don't even have a SO. I was suspicious after the talk of "cuddling in the middle of night." I can imagine teens/college students, people in the very early sex constantly stage of a relationship, people who have no jobs/responsibilities, people who don't ever need sleep, or possibly honeymooners who would wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle instead of just going back to sleep. But your average been married awhile, have a job, have kids, have a dog, have a house, have health problems, need sleep person--not so much into interrupting the little time for sleep one has in order to just cuddle.

Please keep going and offer us more rules for marriage--perhaps then the rest of us can gather some evidence from your posts and then vote on which of these possibilities we think is most likely.

Or the simple answer is that my wife and I believe that you should share a bed. And yes, is is 15 years and yes we are in our mid 40's. The date in our name is our anniversary year. So sorry your Nancy Drew moment did not come through for yuo.

See we make the time. We have two kids, two jobs, a dog, a house to maintain. We understand that you need to work on your marriage just like everything else in life to make it grow and keep it healthy. Sharing a bed (and like I said before bank accounts) are two very key things to keeping a marriage healthy.

Bunch of you are saying it works differently for you. Like I said before, that is fine. But there might be a better way and I do believe this is one way. You don't agree and that is, of course, fine.

However the jabs at maybe age, lenght of marriage, number of posts etc just shows that you don't have anything else to debate, so now we are going to go on tangents and attack things that have nothing to do with the subject matter..

Either way, it has been interesting and many folks have shared various viewpoints and I am glad that a majority of us have kept it civil and on topic.