1 in 4 Married Couples Sleep in Separate Beds

[HelenePA]

Earplugs..

And you get the bonus of an improved marriage by being able to share the bed with your SO.

You have all the answers.. its amazing that any of us who haven't slept with our SO for many many years have be able to survive with out you! I dont need to improve anything.. contrary to your belief. Actually I'm sad for you since you think those things you listed seem to only happen in bed while sleeping.. variety keeps things happy here

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Crawling into bed at night and into my DH's arms is truly the highlight of my life. We lay htere, talk about our day, the good and the bad and it is pure heaven. Now I will say DH was a horrible snorer, but thankfully he uses a CPAP and there is no issue wit that anymore. It was rough going for a while, but I just like sleeping with him too much. We had a period of time not that long ago where he needed to sleep in a recliner due to a blood flow problem in his leg. He had to until he could have surgery. I still crawled up with him till he fell asleep and then I slept on the couch. I didn't want to be far from him. Thankfully since we got a new mattress too so we are even more comfy together!

ETA- I didn't read the whole thread when I posted. I am very lucky that the CPAP worked for us. I would be very sad not to be able to sleep with my DH at night. Having said that, going without sleep makes you absolutely miserable, I know. If you can't sleep together and actually sleep, then I can see why you would do what you have to do. Sleeping with your spouse is wonderful, but not sleeping at all is miserable.

 

[DawnM]

We see that! And may I say, she is adorable!

Dawn

We have separate bedrooms. He has visitation priviledges.

 

[DawnM]

Did he get a CPAP though insurance? How did he go about doing that?

I have wondered if it would help me.....yes, I snore.....I have a deviated septum though.

Dawn

Crawling into bed at night and into my DH's arms is truly the highlight of my life. We lay htere, talk about our day, the good and the bad and it is pure heaven. Now I will say DH was a horrible snorer, but thankfully he uses a CPAP and there is no issue wit that anymore. It was rough going for a while, but I just like sleeping with him too much. We had a period of time not that long ago where he needed to sleep in a recliner due to a blood flow problem in his leg. He had to until he could have surgery. I still crawled up with him till he fell asleep and then I slept on the couch. I didn't want to be far from him. Thankfully since we got a new mattress too so we are even more comfy together!

 

[tevagirl]

We see that! And may I say, she is adorable!

Dawn

Thank you but that's our youngest grand baby!

 

[MIGrandma]

DH and I have not slept in the same bed for several years due to his snoring and me being a super light sleeper. At first I felt guilty for sometimes sleeping on the couch, but those nights I would sleep so much better so finally I decided (after discussing it with him) to fix up another room upstairs for myself. We both sleep better now. And even in hotels we request two beds so we can each have one. We like our space. Doesn't mean we love each other any less than when we first got married. It works for us and that's all that matters.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Did he get a CPAP though insurance? How did he go about doing that?

I have wondered if it would help me.....yes, I snore.....I have a deviated septum though.

Dawn

Our insurance paid for part of it, we paid $800 if I remember correctly. Not sure why, it covers just about everything but only part of that (yet he stopped breathing so many times it was like he was not breathing 1/3 of the time if I recall.) And only once, and that is something else that annoys me. They don't last forever. Two of my girls needed breathing machines and both got them covered 100% but CPAP they hardly covered. Anyway, itmakes no sense but they didn't pay much. I don't care It is so worth it, however I don't believe it would help you but your best bet is to ask your doctor if a sleep study would help you. As soon as he did that they knew what he needed and immediately he was sleeping better and so was I! Good Luck!

 

[DawnM]

Thanks. Can I ask what he needed to do to qualify? Did he have to go to a sleep study?

Dawn

Our insurance paid for part of it, we paid $800 if I remember correctly. Not sure why, it covers just about everything but only part of that (yet he stopped breathing so many times it was like he was not breathing 1/3 of the time if I recall.) And only once, and that is something else that annoys me. They don't last forever. Two of my girls needed breathing machines and both got them covered 100% but CPAP they hardly covered. Anyway, itmakes no sense but they didn't pay much. I don't care It is so worth it, however I don't believe it would help you but your best bet is to ask your doctor if a sleep study would help you. As soon as he did that they knew what he needed and immediately he was sleeping better and so was I! Good Luck!

 

[DawnM]

Still a result..... And still cute.

Dawn

Thank you but that's our youngest grand baby!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Thanks. Can I ask what he needed to do to qualify? Did he have to go to a sleep study?

Dawn

Yes, he did a sleep study. In the morning they told him he had a baaaaad case. They gave him a machine on loan and that night it ws amazing! He was silent. It actually scared me because whenever I would not hear him snoring I'd get scared cause I knew it probably meant (and turned out I was right) that he wasn't breathing so to not hear anything seemed scary. But once I realized he was just restfully sleeping, it was great!

So yeah, a sleep study is the way to go and our insurance pays for that 100%.

 

[TheZue]

We sleep in the same bed but it certainly isn't our cuddly talking zone. I'm a morning person and he's a night person. He comes to bed about three hours after I do and I'm dead to the world, I also get up a couple hours ahead of him. There are plenty of other places and times to cuddle, talk, etc. And I gotta say before we had our king bed there were nights I would rather have had my own bed...even now he does this weird thing when he rolls over, he kinda jumps while he's doing it and shakes the hell out of the bed. I'm not judging anyone who has their own space at night.

 

[MichelleVW]

Correct

Two things that ruin a good marriage..

Sleeping apart and keeping your bank accounts apart.

If you do either/both, you won't have a very strong marriage. Not saying you can't get it to work, but you are making it much harder and you are not as happy as other couples who do share both. Again, this is my opinion, so before people go off the deep end and say I am being rude, I am just saying what I feel and not picking on anyone.

I think the friction is caused because the statement hits home and people are forced to look and realize that maybe there is a better way of doing things. So right away they get offended and say that I am wrong, when in reality, if they made more of an effort to be together with their SO, their marriage would be stronger.

You miss the bonding with your SO. You miss out on the time to talk before you fall asleep. you miss out on the gentle touch of a hand on your back as one person is reading, you miss out on cuddling in the middle of the night, you miss out on the joy of waking next to someone you love in the morning.

I am sure someone will come back with "I miss the snoring" or something, but of course you can fix that. Each their own, but you are removing a huge part of your married life by not sharing a bed.

Why not hop in the car and drive down the road and stay in an apartment or a hotel room? doing the same thing by staying apart. Yet that idea would be crazy....

Wow...rude much? Just because these things work for you don't mean they work for everyone. FTR DH and I sleep in the same bed, but half the time I end up on the couch because he starts snoring. Let me tell you, I love this man more than words can say during the day, but on the nights that he snores (it's not every night) I start thinking homicidal thoughts towards him, so on those occasions, rather than smother him with a pillow I head out to the couch so I can sleep and not think about killing him.

 

[DMRick]

He's been both slim and overweight and the snoring doesn't change. So what exactly will make him stop?

Duct tape? Seriously, it sounds like you have tried everything. If he's had a sleep study, and they say it won't help for a cpap in any case, it would be a waste of money. I'm sure you have been to an ENT doctor..and if they can't figure it out, I sure couldn't. Bring on the separate beds, so someone can get some sleep!

 

[mumom95]

We sleep in the same bed. I will admit on occasion I will fall asleep in front of the tv in the basement and if I wake up and am too tired to walk up two flights of stairs I'll stay on the couch. But that doesn't happen all that much.

A couple of years ago we upgraded from a queen to a king and got a temperpedic. BEST thing we ever did for ourselves. We both sleep soooo much better. It probably has to do with more space and a better mattress (never wake up sore anymore)

I think every marriage is different and every couple needs to do what is best for their marriage. I do know of a few couples that don't sleep in the same bed. Honestly, they don't have the kind of marriage I would want to be in, but they seem to be happy with their marriage and that is all that matters.

I think that is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high. There are so many things out there that say a marriage should work this way and people try too hard to follow those rules rather than just figuring out what is best for their marriage.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Earplugs..

And you get the bonus of an improved marriage by being able to share the bed with your SO.

I don't understand why you are being so combative. None of us have insulted you by saying that maybe you're so insecure in your own marriage that you feel the need to sleep with your DH all the time (which is fine) and attack those who don't follow your lead. We have all been nice, and you come back and judge those of us who don't sleep with our SO. Ok, lets say that all 25% of us who sleep separately have sad marriages that are on the rocks. Just hypothetically. Well, the divorce rate in this country is 50%. So that leaves another 25% who DO sleep together yet ultimately divorce. So your system isn't failproof.

Unless you enjoy stirring the pot, how about being nice? We get that you sleep with your SO and wouldn't have it any other way. If I shared a bed with my DH (and I know I'm not alone in this), it would not work out. We would both be grumpy from lack of sleep. We have been respectful of your decision, how about no longer making these passive aggressive statements and just agree to disagree? No more inserting little barbs like "you'll have a stronger marriage". I am about pretty positive no one on this board will change their mind because of the things you have said. Live and let live. That's my motto. Is it so hard for you to respect others choices? What if we all jumped on you? How would you feel?
If my marriage was so bad that it's success hinged on our sleeping arrangements, then our problems would go deeper than just that. Since we are mutually happy with our sleeping arrangements, I'm not going to change my mind because you said so. We have a pretty secure marriage.

Anyone change their mind about sleeping arrangements because of this stranger online telling you that your marriage will be stronger? I'd love to know.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I think that is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high. There are so many things out there that say a marriage should work this way and people try too hard to follow those rules rather than just figuring out what is best for their marriage.

This.

 

[LuvOrlando]

When my preemie DD came from the hospital I moved into her room into a full bed because she had to be fed every 2 hrs around the clock and my poor DH needed to sleep so he could work. Then my DS was having breathing trouble so he joined us. I would have been totally for a family bed but my DH is a light sleeper so this was a no-no. We tried to move altogether to our king size but DH kept having to leave as the kids moved, I sleep like a rock so nothing ever bothered me. After a few months DH just started to go to sleep in DS's room. As a background my DH suffers bad insomnia and him being woken up meant he didn't go back to sleep, the poor guy would go 2-3 days without sleep at a time. So the separate rooms went on a while mostly because I kept thinking it would be easier to break the kids of the habit once they were old enough to reason with, only to discover no age works. Eventually I decided enough and forced them into their own rooms but this required weaning and I had to sit in the middle of the hall as they fell asleep for about a 6 months... yes, I know it was all my own fault. DH and I happily managed to get back in the same bed overnight quite a few years ago. Although I love all the memories of waking up being hugged by my kids I don't think I would do it again. The main reason has nothing to do with my DH, he & I were just fine during this period. Instead, the fact is that when the kids and I did eventually separate, as is necessary, the whole thing was pretty stressful for the kids. Which means that I needlessly made my kids' lives harder and I'm kind of sad I did that.

I have many friends who sleep in different rooms due to snoring. One of my friends lost her husband during surgery meant to stop the snoring. Over all, I think if I were in the position I would choose different rooms over the surgery.

So I have, in the past, been in a different room from my DH but we are in the same room now with no plans to change anything. FYI, if one of our kids is sick I will sleep on their floor on an airbed so DH isn't woken up while I care for our kids in the middle of the night. It works for us, no worries.

 

[MoniqueU]

Ok it is 8 15 my time. i will read the dis for a bit and fall asleep shortly, my Dh is still at work an hour or so away. I can wait up for him which the older I get that ain't happening easily, I can go upstairs with no laptop and a tv I can't see well only to be woken up in 2 hours when he gets home or I can fall asleep on the couch where I am with my laptop to fall asleep with. Gee I think I will take the last option.

18 years in oct. And I read a few posts earlier that the one flaming this must be young, I definetly had my ideas when I was that age but I have friends that are much older then me who think the same way. I would be surprise if my DH and I could ever coordinate sleep schedules in this lifetime, we never have gotten that down.

 

[bumbershoot]

I voted other.

We started off in the same bed. When DS was born, he joined us for a cozy family bed! When DS started moving so he made us into a capital H, we got a king sized bed and all was well.

When DS was 3, he and I got rather ill. DH was at a new job and Could Not take any time if he got sick. So he moved to the couch. Then about 2 weeks later (after we were finally all better) he got sick anyway, so he stayed on the couch (if it were just the adults I would have swapped). Overall it was probably a month in that arrangement.

Then he came back to the bedroom. Uh Oh. I'd gotten used to sleeping without all the racket he makes. HE had gotten used to sleeping without someone nudging, poking, and even what-he-felt-to-be kicking (I didn't kick, I just nudged with my foot) him repeatedly through the night. He felt sad that some nights I would end up crying from being exhausted but unable to fall asleep because of the noise. He finally decided that he got better sleep out of the bed, and I got better sleep with him out of the bed, so he just kept on sleeping in the living room.

And now DS is 6, and it's still that way. I often swap with him, because frankly our couch is really comfy for me, and DS adores his papa and LOVES cuddling with him through the night.


When we did share a bed...we were cuddlers at first, but that got old. He is just TOO much of a furnace! I will start to overheat if we're sleeping right next to each other. It's not comfortable for me.

That is horrible to be sleeping apart from your SO.

My wife and I still snuggle up at night under the covers. 15 years of marriage.

I feel bad for couples that sleep apart. What a sad marriage they must have.

Oh now THAT is funny! Glad it works for you, but I don't enjoy sleeping next to a furnace, I like my sleep, DH likes not being bothered through the night and he prefers for me to not cry myself to sleep at 4am b/c he's so noisy.

It's not horrible at all. It's actually quite lovely. And we're not sad, it's great!

 

[MoniqueU]

Oh and i do not want to sleep with my kids either!!! They and their weird sleep habits would get to me too. And can someone pleast explain to me why when we are home my DH will sleep till 11 on his days off while I am up at the crack of dawn with my kids, but if we go away without the kids and I can finally sleep in he will be awake and ready to go at 8 am. Totally don't get that and we are going to Vegas in Oct and I am going to tell him to let me flipping sleep.