So I got an anonymous letter yesterday...

[4nana]

No advise, just {{{hugs}}}

Sorry you are going through this. Very sad to think that someone would deliberately make up a lie to hurt you and try cause doubt in your marrriage. Best wishes and I hope it works out.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

But I wouldn't go all Raymond Chandler on him, either.

Best quote of the day!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Yow, I'm almost afraid to post! Don't anyone get mad at me, or anything.

First of all, can't these allegations get him in trouble at work? The military people know what I mean. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. Take your time, try to be observant, and most of all don't go after anyone with an axe or shotgun.

Isn't it very hard to trace anonymous mail? Don't they even have a hard time tracing mail from real criminals too, like the anthrax terrorists, etc?

Geesh, keep us posted!

 

[DemonLlama]

The thing that keeps sticking out to me is the anonymity angle. Cowards send anonymous letters. A woman scorned, on the other hand, willing to let the wife know, signs her name (or shows up at her door).

The OP trusts her husband. If this is a mistake, no amount of shared stories will change that, only her own intuition and time.

So for the craziness. Hope you can get to the bottom of it!

 

[danacara]

I agree with EsmereldaX, I laughed out loud at MosMom's Raymond Chandler reference ... that was brilliant.

 

[lagunaseca]

Actually, the fact that your DH wants you to turn the letter over to him so he can "investigate" almost seems fishy to me. Almost like he is protesting a little too much.

I was thinking the same thing as I read this. I've been married for 17 years and haven't had this situation with my husband but before I met him I was engaged to a man who cheated on me with more than one person and I was the last to know. There were warning signals all over the place like the note she left on his car that we found when we came out of a restaurant one night, hang up phone calls, etc. but my bf always had a way to explain it away and had me convinced it was his jealous ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble. I was so caught off guard when I found out the girl he was fooling around with was one who passed me in the car almost daily going by his house (I just assumed she lived down the street but in fact she was just going past his house to see if I was there) and we saw each other so often we smiled and waved at one another! It never occured to me when she and her friend sat a row behind us in the movies one night what the "coincidence" was. I hope this is not happening to you but where there's smoke there usually is fire. For an adult to take the chance to write you.....I hope it all works out for you and that I am all wrong.

 

[momof2inPA]

If he's in the military, can't he lose his job over an affair? I could ask my Air Force JAG brother in law how often this actually happens, but I do know that he and his friends steer clear of even the appearance of impropriety.

 

[danacara]

The thing that keeps sticking out to me is the anonymity angle. Cowards send anonymous letters. A woman scorned, on the other hand, willing to let the wife know, signs her name (or shows up at her door).

Here's the thing: she isn't scorned. By the content of the letter, either the husband is still carrying on an affair with the letterwriter's friend (I think that's fairly unlikely), or the letter was written by the "other woman" herself, from the third person perspective, because she wants to cover her butt (I think that one is more likely). The letterwriter's ideal outcome is for the wife to go thermonuclear and kick the dude out, so he's single and available. She definitely does not want to have a personal showdown with the wife - she's still carrying on with the husband. She isn't scorned.

 

[WDWHound]

You need to know the man code. deny, deny, deny. if you get caught red handed, deny, deny, deny. If she has pictures, deny, deny, deny. "It wasn't me. You are mistaken.", etc... If she walks up to you in a bar, act like you don't even know who she is. When you get home, even if you are wearing the same clothes, deny, deny, deny. And, ALWAYS, stick to your original story. That is what you are up against.

That is what her she is up against IF her husband is having an afair.

WDWHound, Maleficent13 ... you both make very valid points ... but
- when the guy is basically living on an Army base, two and a half hours away,
- when he's got a past marriage to a woman whom he and his current wife (the OP) freely trash on an internet message board,
- when, even if all allegations of the affair are NOT true, he's clearly done something to significantly tick someone off and he's not copping to it, ("this woman wants to be with me so badly that she's writing anonymous letters to my wife and making things up" just doesn't sound terribly plausible to me)
- when his suggested response involves invading someone's computer and fingerprint identification ...

If he lived at home and it was easy to track his whereabouts ...
If he'd shown better judgement in past relationships ...
If he'd admit to whatever plausible reason he thinks this could be happening, if not an affair ...
If his desired response hadn't been so borderline whacko ...

Dana, I do see your point. I just think about how I would respond my wife brought me such a letter. I would freak. I would know I was innocent, but I would be worried my wife might now doubt that. I would then seek to prove my innoncence by taking every action I could think of. I would probably appear more than a bit "out there" because I would be scared out of my mind that someone who would not even identify themselves could cause me to lose my relationship with my wife, which I value above anything else on earth. In short, the reaction of an innocent man could be exactly the same as the reaction of a guilty man.

And there are plenty of wackos out there who will do this sort of thing. If you haven't enountered one yet, give it time. It has not happened to me, but I have seen similar things (jelous people trying to break up a marriage) happen to others.

 

[JennyMominRI]

My mothers fist husban had a 7 year affair while in the army..It produced 3 children.. The army did nothing..This was ages ago though

 

[NMAmy]

Please don't just take his word for it. I've been through this situation--the first time, I stood by him and thought that others were out to get him and of course he would never lie to me. The second time, we divorced. The signs were there, I just wasn't looking the first time because my ex was a very good denier and liar.

I'm not saying that the letter is true--I'm just saying, check things out and protect yourself.

With my second husband--there has never been a whisper of any kind of rumor regarding him. Why? Because he's not doing anything and therefore no one is "out to get him." As danacara says, where there's smoke, there's fire.

 

[MosMom]

I wish I could take credit for the Raymond Chandler reference but I was simply quoting Maleficent13.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Also dh and I don't go to bars by ourselves, at least not on a regular basis. We might occasionally stop somewhere with folks from work for an hour or with a sibling. I just have a problem with this. I'm suspicious but willing to be convinced that he's innocent. I would feel the need to do some investigating. I swear if he were cheating he would say no, I didn't do anything. Almost no man will on the first piece of evidence say, "why yes, I"m cheating, guilty am I."

 

[Blueeyes101817]

just wanted to say i hope it all works out for ya..
as for the bars, i know my dad goes to the bars with his firemen friends, my mom doesnt go...so i dont think that means anything..
again, good luck!

 

[disneyatl]

I don't mean to say that you shouldn't trust your husband but he sure isn't going to admit to it when you question him.......especially not the first time. And my questioning him over the phone, you couldn't see his face. Eyes do not lie!!! I think I would have needed to question him about the affair in person.

Also, on another note. My neighbor is having an affair and I've thought many times about sending her husband an anonymous note. I do not have anything to gain from doing it either. I just know that if my husband was having an affair, I would want to know. Just another thought as to who might have sent the note. The person doesn't necessarily have anything to gain.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I have been reading this thread since yesterday, but haven't been impelled to post until now. I agree with the last poster, that an anonymous letter is more likely from a person who is wanting to help, and now one who is out to be vindictive. The other thought I had about him taking the note, is if HE thinks this is from a specific person, it could be the grist that breaks up the clandestine relationship.

 

[snowball22]

Wow, many hugs going your way. I hate to think the worse, but I would keep my eyes wide open to anything suspicious. Maybe keep a notebook for a while and jot down any odd behavior. I would also make a copy of the letter and put it away. My first dh was a cheat. He denied everything. After my divorce was all said and done, I found out from quite a few people that he had been cheating on me for a while with a couple of people. Oh, and yes, I completely trusted him. I would have never thought in a million years that he would have done anything like that. My prayers are with you and I hope this all turns out to be nothing.

 

[helenabear]

I have been reading this thread since yesterday, but haven't been impelled to post until now. I agree with the last poster, that an anonymous letter is more likely from a person who is wanting to help, and now one who is out to be vindictive. The other thought I had about him taking the note, is if HE thinks this is from a specific person, it could be the grist that breaks up the clandestine relationship.

Diane, you took the words out of my mouth!

I admit I am way too torn on this one. I do think as Diane does (and many others) yet I have dealt with a truly 'psychotic' woman who did everything in her power to break up my husband and I (before we were married though). It was nuts... and yes, it caused major trust issues with him and I, but once I figured out she lied to others about me, I realized she was not trust worthy. She planted notes for me to find, and then she'd plant notes for my (then) b/f to find. She would say that my b/f needed to watch out because I was a slut who was sleeping around. Okay, maybe that was the past but it so wasn't true at the time.

My advice is to be careful. Don't automatically distrust all he says, but at least "file it away". That may sound absolutely awful to distrust someone you are married to, but that is not something I take lightly in a relationship. If I got a letter, you better believe that Luis would need to go above and beyond to reassure me that all is okay. I will give him the benefit of the doubt on some things, but not everything in my life. Best of luck to you though... I hope this has a very happy ending for you

 

[mickeyboat]

I have to agree with danacara on this one, for several reasons:

1. You can't deny that he has had the opportunity. He is two and a half hours from home on a military base. He goes to bars frequently with his friends.

2. Whether he is or isn't having an affair, he would have responded with a denial. I bet nine out of ten women who found out their husbands were cheating on them, got the same denial when they first confronted their husbands.

3. I also bet nine out of ten cheated-on wives would have told you that they had no reason to worry and that they trusted their spouses completely. What was the cause of the break-up of your husband's first marriage?

4. I think your husband's reaction is a little over the top. I would hope he would concentrate on making sure that you are o.k. and not on fingerprint analysis and computer spying.

5. Why would someone send an anonymous letter to you? What reason would they have? The only plausible one I can see is if it was the ex-wife trying ot get back at you both for something. Otherwise, I can't understand why someone considered a "wack-job" at work would do this. Someone would have to be certificable insane in my book to do this - especially if there could be career repurcussions if they get caught.

6. Finally, I don't think you would have brought this up on the DIS if you weren't having some doubts of your own. I am sure you knew from past, similar situations aired here what kind of responses you would get.

That being said, I put a lot of faith in your trust of your DH. I don't think I would go all out and hire a PI, but I wouldn't brush this under the rug. I would do a little quiet investigation on my own. I might bring the subject up casually with people who might know something - a la "did you hear that I got this letter..." I might check cell phone and credit card bills. I would be on alert for signals that things just aren't right.

I sure hope this is nothing and I am sorry that this craziness has entered your life. Please don't take my post as an attack on you. I am just an unbiased observer coming to a conclusion based on my understanding the part of the story I have seen.

Denae

 

[noseybuddy]

The Oprah show today is about a husband who cheated on his wife with the woman living right next door. Just thought maybe you might want to check it out. Don't mean anything by telling you to watch, but if you are having doubts about trusting your husband just thought you might be interested in watching this show.