So I got an anonymous letter yesterday...

[danacara]

But only the person who wrote the actual letter's fingerprints would be on it (and mine).

Well, no ... not exactly ... there could be any number of peoples' fingerprints on there. You have no idea what happened to that paper before it got to you ---

But lets just say that you did get a clear print. (never mind that I think the idea of this is verging on crazy, but whatever) ... how exactly do you plan to match that print to your "suspects?" I mean, is your husband going to be stealing their glasses in the mess hall or something?

And finally, even if you identify the person who wrote the letter, and you don't like them, it has no bearing as to whether the allegations are true or not.

Clearly there is a fairly major cultural divide here ...

If I had to make a guess - where there's smoke ...

 

[TimeforMe]

Sorry, BabyTigger, that this is going on, but unfortunately I have to agree with Dana and some of the others. This happened to a friend of mine once and while she was totally in denial about it, it didn't prevent it from being true. Sad part is that she, too, was the last to know. I hope this isn't the case with your DH, but I wouldn't dismiss it either.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I don't know ... as the saying goes, where there's smoke ...

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

[Michigan]

I have 2 co workers that have been having unfaithful to their wives for years and both wives have no idea. They comment on how luckey they are to have such great husbands and both men agree with them. While all of us a work know the truth.

Remember he spends more awake time with his coworkers then he does with you so coworkers tend to know more about whats going on.

I agree with other I would get a PI to check it out.

 

[SEAlla]

I hope it all works out for you , but...

Checking keystrokes on someone's computer without a warrant is a Title 3 Federal offense. If he gets caught he will go to jail and be fined.

Just be careful and good luck.

 

[piglet too]

I was going to stay out of this, but the PI statement just struck a nerve.

If she has no reason to not trust him, there are no other "warning signs", hiring a PI would be a big mistake. By looking further into this, on her own, without him knowing, she is saying that she does not trust him. If he found out, that could be very harmful to their relationship and cause damage beyond repair. I think she should continue to trust him, until such a time he gives her reason not to.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Most nights he goes to the bar on base for a few drinks and hangs out with the people he works with.

This also gives me pause. I am in no way a prude but I do not go to bars w/o my DH and he doesn't go w/o me.

 

[MosMom]

I know you trust your husband but this letter should raise some hairs on the back of your neck. I wouldn't be letting down my guard and I may do a little investigating of my own. I love my husband and trust him 100% but if I got a letter like that I don't think I could just completely ignore it.

Actually, the fact that your DH wants you to turn the letter over to him so he can "investigate" almost seems fishy to me. Almost like he is protesting a little too much.

 

[WDWHound]

This is sad. What I am hearing is that many DISers' trust in their spouse could be shaken to the point of launching an investigation on them just because someone sent them an anonymous message. Think about that for a moment. Lets say I decided just on a lark to cause trouble and sent you a PM under a fake name saying your spoiuse is having an affair. I don't know you, but just by suggesting something I could introduce the kind of distrust that can distroy a marraige. Wow. That is the very definition of sad.

There is no smoke here unless the source can be verified. To launch an investigation into your spouse based on one anonymous letter would be to trust the word of a coward who will not reveal their name over the word of your spouse. That is incomprehensible to me.

And to those who are jaded because the spouse had an affair, I am sorry for your experience, but not all spouses have affairs. A wife and husband deserve each others trust in this area unless something credible arises to shake that trust and an anonymous letter is not credible without something else to back it up.

 

[Maleficent13]

Wow...I have to admit that I am surprised at how many are falling into the "where there's smoke..." idea. I really think I am one of the most cynical people on the planet, and I am in no way naive about the world...BUT...I trust my SO. If I had received such a letter, the first thing I would have done is discuss it with him. I certainly would not be hiring a PI or doing any clandestine investigation into him. As someone else mentioned, that is a very large breach of trust in someone who hasn't given me any reason not to trust him to this point.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not necessarily saying I'd believe whatever he said verbatim and let it drop. But I wouldn't go all Raymond Chandler on him, either.

eta: Hound, we were posting at the same time, but as usual you were the more eloquent!

 

[MosMom]

Don't get me wrong; I'm not necessarily saying I'd believe whatever he said verbatim and let it drop. But I wouldn't go all Raymond Chandler on him, either.

I agree with that. I wouldn't go hiring a PI but I wouldn't completely take his word for it and forget it ever happened. I would store that little nugget away and it would definitely put me on guard.

However, I have to wonder why the OP posted about the letter in the first place. She wanted opinions....which leads me to believe that maybe she isn't so sure herself.

 

[danacara]

WDWHound, Maleficent13 ... you both make very valid points ... but
- when the guy is basically living on an Army base, two and a half hours away,
- when he's got a past marriage to a woman whom he and his current wife (the OP) freely trash on an internet message board,
- when, even if all allegations of the affair are NOT true, he's clearly done something to significantly tick someone off and he's not copping to it, ("this woman wants to be with me so badly that she's writing anonymous letters to my wife and making things up" just doesn't sound terribly plausible to me)
- when his suggested response involves invading someone's computer and fingerprint identification ...

If he lived at home and it was easy to track his whereabouts ...
If he'd shown better judgement in past relationships ...
If he'd admit to whatever plausible reason he thinks this could be happening, if not an affair ...
If his desired response hadn't been so borderline whacko ...

 

[disykat]

I also think your husband is protesting too much. If there is nothing to be worried about why don't you both just shrug it off as a hoax and ignore it?

 

[palmtreegirl]

I know you trust your husband but this letter should raise some hairs on the back of your neck. I wouldn't be letting down my guard and I may do a little investigating of my own. I love my husband and trust him 100% but if I got a letter like that I don't think I could just completely ignore it.

Actually, the fact that your DH wants you to turn the letter over to him so he can "investigate" almost seems fishy to me. Almost like he is protesting a little too much.

 

[Desiree]

I don't usually contribute on these types of posts, but have you at least considered maybe your husband's ex-wife could have sent the note? Is she resentful?

 

[Maleficent13]

Dana, I also bow to your very valid points...the reaction of the husband to the letter did seem a bit extreme...but I think perhaps I chalked it up to the "military" thing...I tend to have the conception that they think a bit more "plan of attack" than I do (if that makes sense).

I also have to say, your memory amazes me more often than not...

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

At first I thought " GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY" but then I thought maybe some woman likes him and is hoping that this will make his available.

Be cautious, but maybe some sad, sick girl has her eye on him.

 

[lulugirl]

I'm sorry, that is very distressing.

 

[imgoin2wdw]

You need to know the man code. deny, deny, deny. if you get caught red handed, deny, deny, deny. If she has pictures, deny, deny, deny. "It wasn't me. You are mistaken.", etc... If she walks up to you in a bar, act like you don't even know who she is. When you get home, even if you are wearing the same clothes, deny, deny, deny. And, ALWAYS, stick to your original story. That is what you are up against.

 

[noseybuddy]

Well being one who had an affair with a married man (was young, dumb, and certainly not proud of it) I got angry when he said he would comit to me but it was never happening. So I got mad, didn't send the stuff to the wife but delievered it in person. So the point I am trying to make is that he could possibly be involved with a woman, and he made false promises to her, she is tired of waiting, so she is taking action. Hope it isn't this, but you need to keep your eyes wide open.