Harly1619
Earning My Ears
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2011
- Messages
- 17
I could use some advice. But first, long, venty background info: I'm "virtually" single. Hubby is 1000 miles away living in the home we once shared as a family, I'm in central FL, working full time for the Mouse (we have health insurance for the first time!). DDs (almost 15 and 12) have been with me for the 26 months we've lived here. Hubby is generally unattached and disinterested; he was always more concerned with what we could do for him or how we made him feel. How he made US feel was less of a concern. One of the reasons I left was b/c he's self-employed and thinks it's OK to sit at home not working for 4 months out of the year with no thought at all to where money comes from for the payments. I kid you not, one month he said to me, "What do you mean you need more money for the mortgage? We just paid it last month!"Ummmm, yeah, they don't call them "monthly payments" for nothing! I just couldn't take the financial insecurity anymore and had to do something. DDs and I are still struggling as he doesn't do much as far as support and certainly nothing when he's off work. His parents' and our house are connected with utilities, so I have been paying to keep heat/power on all winter for their sake. Bills he's responsible for, I've been paying to try to keep my credit out of the toilet and the phones turned on. Once he does get back to work, I will have all but a small mortgage paid off and untangled financially between us later this year which will make things easier. Obviously, DDs are smart enough to know that we're financially struggling, despite my best efforts to insulate them.
15yo has Asperger's so her ability to form close relationships is already challenged and she has no bond at all with her Dad. He never worked to form one with her and it just never materialized. I have made every effort to keep channels of communication open, providing free access to email, text, phones for each family member, etc. We have even made the effort to drive back to visit him a few times a year, although he makes no effort to come here. He even missed Christmas this year.
Here's where I need the advice: hubby told me today to tell 15yo to email him. He emails them every so often, but she won't reply. She has some interests that she knows he will flip out about (her musical tastes, mostly, and he's very oppressive). She's just not interested in dealing with him right now and feels very disconnected.
In my opinion, he's brought all this on himself. His lack of interest in supporting his family and inability to build relationships with his children (beyond bossing them around) has led to where we are. I don't think I should have to force a teenager to communicate with him. I'm about natural consequences and feel very strongly that everything that has happened has been a natural consequence of his lack of care and concern for his wife and children.
Thoughts?
I also don't believe in forcing them. I won't bad mouth him in front of my kids...(although sometimes its really trying to hold your tongue!) But I let my kids make their own choices. And on the same note never forced them "out of it"..as in, never telling them they CAN'T see or talk to their dad. If you feel as if you should be doing something, just mention it once a week..."hey, your dad's been emailing you, do you want to send him an email" If they say no, that's that. My daughter, now 17, didn't see her dad for years. He moved to FL when she was little and we're in CT. I've never STOPPED him from seeing her, or vice versa. Recently, over the last two years, she chose to be in contact with him. Just to realize for herself, that he's not all what she thought, and pretty much wasn't worth getting a hold of in the first place. Feel it out.....they know how they feel.
Such great news!!! Wonderful to hear!!!
Enjoy it!! I am sure she will be thrilled with the surprise! i give you so much credit because I can't keep a secret!!! 
