Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

[spacemountainmom]

I think it is possible for men and women to be just friends. My husband and I have never had it become a big issue. DH had a buddy he played hockey with. I got to know the guy as well and he and I were both stay at home parents at the time. We used to get together and hang out with the kids every now and again. My dh was fine with it and his wife was as well. The funny thing is...neither dh or I have ever even met his wife. The kids got a bit older and we both started working again so we quit hanging out. No big deal.

We were friends with a couple and the wife (and both of their kids) had worked at one time or another for my dh. The couple split and the wife was still working for us. She ended up going through a pretty rough patch and my dh would help her out when he could. I didn't have a problem with it since she was nearly old enough to be our mother. However, it did hit a point where she was getting pretty "needy" and I did finally ask my husband to back off. We discussed it and he agreed that it was time to put up some more boundaries where this person was concerned. Problem solved. We're still friendly with this gal and her new husband so it all worked out in the end.

 

[Acklander]

Dh and I are each others best friend, so things like grocery shopping, regularly doing lunch, and hanging and gossiping with, we tend to do together. Now, he does have friends of the opposite sex (and same sex) who he occasionally has drinks or dinner with, and I have friends (male or female) that I occasionally get together with for things, but those are more casual relationships, nothing regular. I have no problems with dh having friends of the opposite sex, we just tend to hang together.

 

[bdcp]

I think it is possible for men and women to be just friends. My husband and I have never had it become a big issue. DH had a buddy he played hockey with. I got to know the guy as well and he and I were both stay at home parents at the time. We used to get together and hang out with the kids every now and again. My dh was fine with it and his wife was as well. The funny thing is...neither dh or I have ever even met his wife. The kids got a bit older and we both started working again so we quit hanging out. No big deal.

We were friends with a couple and the wife (and both of their kids) had worked at one time or another for my dh. The couple split and the wife was still working for us. She ended up going through a pretty rough patch and my dh would help her out when he could. I didn't have a problem with it since she was nearly old enough to be our mother. However, it did hit a point where she was getting pretty "needy" and I did finally ask my husband to back off. We discussed it and he agreed that it was time to put up some more boundaries where this person was concerned. Problem solved. We're still friendly with this gal and her new husband so it all worked out in the end.

I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.

 

[North of Mouse]

Sorry, but the reality is anyone can fall. You don't put yourself in that situation, ever. The types of things you mention are what couples do together, not opposite sex "friends". I have opposite sex friends, as does DH, but we do not go out with them alone and never, never, ever would we be at their home alone or would a weekend be involved. The grocery shopping thing is just strange. We've been happily married and faithful for 32 years. I think it's somewhat disrespectful and as another person stated, a good way for rumors to get started.

Also, almost all affairs start from innocent friendships.

Something else that bothers me is that more than likely you share things with your friend as does your DH about your relationship and spouse. If that's the case, then whether or not you are physically intimate or not is irrelevant. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be an affair. .

This! We both love to be around other couples, but neither of us has ever needed a 'close' friend of the opposite sex. We are totally content to be best friends, as well as a great relationship as a married couple. We are together because we 'love' to be together and do things together.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The original post sounds a little deeper than anything we've had to deal with. (For instance, I don't even think to grocery shop with a friend at all??)

But back when we were both working full time, DH and I each shared our office spaces with opposite sex coworkers, and had no issues with it. (In fact, we jokingly refered to them as our "work spouses".) We did often talk with these friends, or have lunch with them - but in public places. It wouldn't have occured to me to see my friend outside of work without inviting his wife as well.

So I guess my answer is - yes, it's possible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, but self-imposed boundaries on the relationship are probably a good thing.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.

I don't see the issue. I travel with Manny - we go to Summerfest every year and share a hotel room. Without my husband - but he is always invited. Last year we had backstage passes to the Foo Fighters and got to hang with the band.

And we co-host NYE party and shop together.

I love Manny, but not like I love my husband!

There is enough drama in life without MUD (made up drama).

 

[palmtreegirl]

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns: I guess not.

Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

What Harry said.

 

[scrapquitler]

If I couldn't trust my husband to be alone with another woman, I wouldn't have married him.

I agree with this. My husband and I trust each other. We both have friends of the opposite sex and don't have any worries.

 

[spacemountainmom]

I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.

No, we never did go out of town together. We did, however, have a very awkward moment one time when my friend and I took all the kids out to lunch at a sit down restaurant. We had asked the server up front for separate checks, but one of his girls tried to order dessert and the server told her to ask her mom if it was ok. His daughter said, "I can't ask my mom, she's at work right now." The server gave us the weirdest look and I sure we were gossiped about for the rest of the day! LOL

 

[shellybaxter]

OP - I have a dear dear friend of the opposite sex. We've been friends since we were freshman in high school. He is also a very good friend of my husbands. You have to be careful. While we have NEVER had a physical affair, we did find ourselves having an emotional affair one summer. It was hurtful to all involved. Luckily our friendship (all of our friendships) was/were able to survive. Having a close opposite sex friend is great but there are lines you don't want to cross, because somethings really do belong just to your husband

 

[fly girl]

The original post sounds a little deeper than anything we've had to deal with. (For instance, I don't even think to grocery shop with a friend at all??)

But back when we were both working full time, DH and I each shared our office spaces with opposite sex coworkers, and had no issues with it. (In fact, we jokingly refered to them as our "work spouses".) We did often talk with these friends, or have lunch with them - but in public places. It wouldn't have occured to me to see my friend outside of work without inviting his wife as well.

So I guess my answer is - yes, it's possible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, but self-imposed boundaries on the relationship are probably a good thing.

I'm with PollyannaMom. I don't even think when I had roommates in college we went grocery shopping together.


Of course dh and I have friends of the opposite sex, and we have no issues of calling/texting, or an occassional lunch or dinner without the spouses. But if it kept occurring repeatedly (several times a week) personally, it would make me would wonder what is he getting out of this friendship that I am not providing?


Nothing wrong with having friends, just visiting constantly would probably send a signal to me. I think dh would feel the same. However, if some of the time all of the spouses were together maybe I would not feel that way.


OP, if you are happy and your spouse doesn't mind that that is all that really matters.

 

[Planogirl]

People can lapse but people can also stay strong and avoid going there. I agree that it's easier if you don't have any opposite sex friends. (Unless, you're gay and that's a whole other issue.) However I never would have given up any friend because I was in a relationship. Nope, not going to happen.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Lunch with female coworkers is about it for me, and not in years as my friends here are all guys. I have a handful of female friends, but they all like my wife and vice versa, so if I were to go anywhere with any of them my wife would be there as well. Ditto for her one male friend (who we haven't seen in years, actually).

 

[LisaR]

I'm with PollyannaMom. I don't even think when I had roommates in college we went grocery shopping together.


Of course dh and I have friends of the opposite sex, and we have no issues of calling/texting, or an occassional lunch or dinner without the spouses. But if it kept occurring repeatedly (several times a week) personally, it would make me would wonder what is he getting out of this friendship that I am not providing?


Nothing wrong with having friends, just visiting constantly would probably send a signal to me. I think dh would feel the same. However, if some of the time all of the spouses were together maybe I would not feel that way.


OP, if you are happy and your spouse doesn't mind that that is all that really matters.

Yeah, I am really stuck on the grocery shopping thing, too. I trust DH completely. But I would find it incredibly odd if he got up every Saturday morning and headed off to the grocery store with ANYONE. Who wants to go grocery shopping to begin with? I wouldn't even think to call up my GF's to go grocery shopping. So I can't imagine calling my guy friends and saying, "Hey, ya want to hang out this Saturday? I'm thinking we will hit Walmart and then we can check out Publix after." I think my guy friends would hang up on me!

 

[nd5056]

I was very good friends with a man at work once. We both had spouses... We were friends for years.

AND then he made a pass at me.
...

OP - I have a dear dear friend of the opposite sex. We've been friends since we were freshman in high school. He is also a very good friend of my husbands. You have to be careful. While we have NEVER had a physical affair, we did find ourselves having an emotional affair one summer...

Close friendship with opposite sex eventually turns into LOVE or HATE. Accept, not everyone admits to it...

How many times that you know personally that the best friend did steal the spouse??? Either man or a woman??? I know more than a few.

This thread should have a Poll in it.

.

 

[Planogirl]

Some people seem to enjoy grocery shopping and if they enjoy going with a friend, what is the big deal? I go alone but it would be nice to have someone go along occasionally. My DH would rather poke himself in the eye.

I don't agree that close friendships with the opposite sex always turn into love or hate. Not everyone is the same.

 

[threeboysmom]

I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?

I'm kind of curious why the OP doesn't go shopping or have breakfast/lunch with her husband?

So yeah, I think I'd have a problem with it if I had a significant other that preferred to spend time with another woman instead of me...

 

[Hillbeans]

I would say no. If I had a guy friend from when I was in grade school or he had a friend he knew since he was 5 years old maybe that'd be different but "new" friends of the opposite sex are not part of a healthy relationship I want now. Been there, done that, lived through all the damage those "we're just friends" relationships cause and never again.

 

[yoopermom]

I'm another one with a best friend who's a straight (married) male. We've been besties since high school (almost thirty years, aaargh), and he knows me probably better than anyone except my mother and my husband!

My DH does not worry at all, partly because my friend's wife is a different "type" than me (she's Asian, subservient, tiny, etc, and I'm, well the opposite ), and because he feels that if we haven't cheated in 30 years, we're not apt to start now.

I feel blessed to have this friend in my life, and would never take a chance on wrecking our friendship by trying to make it something "more".

Terri

 

[Colleen27]

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?

My two closest friends in the world are men, and DH has always been okay with this. I've ended relationships with men that weren't rather than give up lifelong friendships, and one of the things told me DH was "the one" was his lack of jealousy over it. I've spent nights at one friend's house, just because he still lives in the city and after concerts or other events it is easier to stay there than make the very long drive home to the boonies where DH & I have chosen to raise our kids, and meeting for lunch or dinner or a concert (something DH just isn't into) is a non-issue.

I would find it strange if DH developed a close relationship with a woman, even if I had no reason to think it was romantic in nature, because he's never had female friends. And that's probably a double standard but I think it comes down to knowing and accepting one another. I have always gotten along better with men than women and most of my friends, both close and casual, have been guys. So for DH to object to me having male friends would be asking me to change something that he's always known about me. For me to object to him developing a close friendship with a woman would be coming from a place of wondering what prompted him to change.