Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by Candleinthewind, Mar 28, 2013.

  1. Candleinthewind

    Candleinthewind Mouseketeer

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    I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

    We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know. :blush:

    How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?
     
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  3. worm761

    worm761 <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/sw.

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    Neither one of us has a problem with it. When I worked DH would go spend weekends with a female friend of his. He took my DS with him and they would take all the kids and do fun stuff. If you can't trust your spouse then you have a lot of problems you aren't facing.
     
  4. happygirl

    happygirl DIS Veteran

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    My spouse would have no problem with it, but I would never put myself in that position to get rumors started.
     
  5. Mandychelle79

    Mandychelle79 DIS Veteran

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    Yep, my husband has no issue with it and will actually scope me out a ride home from the bar ( usually my neighbor) on nights I want to stay later than he wants to stay.
     
  6. okeydokey

    okeydokey Frosty the Snowman scared me as

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    No, we would both be fine with it. Also, I would not change my friendship to avoid the appearance of something going on to others. It is none of their business anyway.
     
  7. NY Disney fan

    NY Disney fan DIS Veteran

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    I'm not a believer in being married and having a friend of the opposite sex. Usually when people have affairs the first thing they say is:
    a.) We didn't mean for this to happen
    b.) We were only friends at first
    c.) We didn't mean to hurt anyone


    That being said, not all opposite sex friends want to sleep with each other. When I was married my husband forbade me to have opposite sex friends (which I complied with) but he did not. He had female friends coming out of the woodwork. This hurt me because I was very good friends with his best friend (best man at the wedding) and I ended up distancing myself from him based on my husband's wishes. Our best man ended up dying and I regret doing this! I hope I see him in heaven one day.
     
  8. Janepod

    Janepod <font color=royalblue>The new dinning plan is out.

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    If I couldn't trust my husband to be alone with another woman, I wouldn't have married him.
     
  9. NY Disney fan

    NY Disney fan DIS Veteran

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    Its not the "being alone" that is the issue, but the friendship aspect..being friends apart from you that is the issue.
     
  10. Janepod

    Janepod <font color=royalblue>The new dinning plan is out.

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    What's the difference? :confused3 If I couldn't trust my husband to have female friends, I wouldn't have married him.
     
  11. BadgerGirl84

    BadgerGirl84 I used to have a tag...

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    No, my husband and I would not be comfortable with that, nor would either one of us be interested in a friendship like that.

    We wouldn't want to put ourselves in the position for rumors to be started, nor would we want to be spending so much time with a member of the opposite sex alone that we start confiding a lot and creating "emotional intimacy."

    We enjoy hanging out with other couples, or just the husband/wife of a couple if a member is out of town. If something came up like a friend's wife called us with an extra concert ticket and only my husband could go, that'd be totally fine...it just wouldn't be a common thing we would be interested in.

    For us, it's not a matter of trusting each other (we have 100% trust)...we have just decided to have a marriage where the only member of the opposite sex that we are very close to and confide in is each other. And we love it that way.
     
  12. NHdisneylover

    NHdisneylover DIS Veteran

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    I am not THAT close with anyone who is not my husband. He really is my best friend and it would worry me if either of us became super close with someone else like that because it would likely mean we were drifting apart.

    That said, both he and I have friends of the opposite sex. Doesn't bother either of us at all.
     
  13. LisaR

    LisaR <img src=http://www.wdwinfo.com/images/silver.jpg>

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    I don't have a friend like that and neither does DH so it is hard to comment on whether it would bother either of us. We both have friends of the opposite sex, but your relationship is much deeper than either of us have.

    You mention grocery shopping with your friend. That seems odd to me. DH and I grocery shop together. If he can't make it, it would never dawn on me to call a girlfriend (or guy friend) to go grocery shopping. Honestly, that seems off to me.

    Having the occasional lunch with a member of the opposite sex wouldn't be an issue at all. If one of us was doing it all the time and not having any lunches with each other, nope, that wouldn't cut it.
     
  14. bdcp

    bdcp DIS Veteran

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    Sorry, but the reality is anyone can fall. You don't put yourself in that situation, ever. The types of things you mention are what couples do together, not opposite sex "friends". I have opposite sex friends, as does DH, but we do not go out with them alone and never, never, ever would we be at their home alone or would a weekend be involved. The grocery shopping thing is just strange. We've been happily married and faithful for 32 years. I think it's somewhat disrespectful and as another person stated, a good way for rumors to get started.

    Also, almost all affairs start from innocent friendships.

    Something else that bothers me is that more than likely you share things with your friend as does your DH about your relationship and spouse. If that's the case, then whether or not you are physically intimate or not is irrelevant. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be an affair.

    If you want an idea of what I'm referring to, see the movie "The Story of Us". The part about their relationships with "friends" of the opposite sex is exactly what I'm talking about.
     
  15. eliza61

    eliza61 http://www.wdwinfo.com/dis-sponsor/images

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    Totally ok. One of my dearest friends in the world is a guy name John. We grew up together, went to elementary school, high school and church together. He was a part of my life waaay before my husband so my husband knew from day one John was going to be in my life. No issues whatsoever.

    Now would I go on a weekend trip with John? No. Do we get together when I'm back in NYC? Definitely. Ill hang put with him the same way i hang out with my other friends. Some times he brings his wife whom I adore some times it's just us.
     
  16. chicagodisneyfan

    chicagodisneyfan Peace

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    My best friend is a straight single man - and lives in LA. We see each other 10 times a year or so and talk on the phone a lot.

    I spent New Years Eve at his house for the past three years - and my husband is ok with it.

    He sees concerts with me, opera (my husband will go, but does not like it), we are both foodies, both huge college football fans, and just laugh when we are around each other.

    My husband likes him and if he is ok with it - that is all that matters.
    (But yes, I have heard comments from people who think it is weird!)
     
  17. BadgerGirl84

    BadgerGirl84 I used to have a tag...

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    This thread is bringing me back to a thread I posted as a young college student 5+ years ago here.

    My boyfriend at the time was becoming very close with a female co-worker to the point they were going out for drinks after work (just the two of them) and out to a dancing lesson or something (memory is a bit foggy)! As a grown up lady now, I don't think I'd post something so personal on the Dis, but made sense to do at the time.

    I think the thread was called "Can Men and Women be "Just Friends"" or something to that effect. Got the same responses this thread is getting...some on both sides of the arguement.

    I ultimately decided I wasn't interested in dating a guy who wanted to have a very close friendship with another woman, and dumping him after 3 years of dating was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm so glad I didn't settle because I have a GREAT husband now and we see eye-to-eye on this topic.
     
  18. hops&dreams

    hops&dreams DIS Veteran

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    I am a female and I've ALWAYS been better friends with guys than girls. DH learned this when we were dating (actually, probably before we were dating).

    My best friend is a guy and we've been best friends since we were 3 years old. DH doesn't really like my bestie, but he understands that he's like a brother to me and that I would do ANYTHING for him, as he would for us. We've even talked about taking a trip together, just him and I. DH questioned this, and I told him that it would be much more enjoyable for me to do this than, say, take a trip with my sister (who I love, but we do not see eye to eye on many, many things). In the end, we never took a trip just him and I. After talking to DH about it, he said he would have been ok with it, minus what other people - like his mom, etc - thought.

    He and I have seen each other through a lot of things, triumphs and tragedies. He's left work and driven 200 miles at 3am just to make sure I am ok and hug me in person.

    To me, a friend is a friend, no matter their gender. If you have a true friend, hang onto them, because they are such a blessing! I had given up a couple of very serious relationships because they could not get over this friendship that I had with this guy... The way I looked at it was if they can't trust me on that, then there's nothing to build our relationship upon.

    With DH, I think the thing that really made it ok for him was knowing that we weren't hiding anything. He could pop into our conversation or visits or whatever at any time. He knew that bestie and I have no boundaries, but that the thought of anything sexual between us repulses us both - he's seriously like a brother to me.
     
  19. Ginny Favers

    Ginny Favers <font color=green>I told my husband I think they m

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    I was very good friends with a man at work once. We both had spouses and so I thought it was ok. We would go out to lunches and confide in one another about work issues all the time. My husband was accepting of this, as we often got together as couples and did things, and I often went shopping with his wife. I was so thankful to have a good guy as my friend. We were friends for years.

    AND then he made a pass at me.

    Since then, nope. Not going there. Not even remotely close. Probably because even if the guy does have completely pure intentions, I'm always hyper-aware that he could want more.
     
  20. bdcp

    bdcp DIS Veteran

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    That's a bit different that what the OP posted. It sounds like OP lives in the same town and sees this person all the time. A long distance friend you see once a month or so is not the same thing.

    And, regardless of what a lot of women think, men do not see friendships the same way they do.

    I personally spend New Years eve with my best friend, my husband.

    This is really not about trust. I trust my DH implicitly, but he and I would never put ourselves in that situation, because as I said above, anyone can fall. Even happily married people have had lapses and had affairs. Don't be so sure it can't happen to you just becuase you "trust" each other. I've seen it happen to others. Never to DH and I because we are careful, but it can and does happen, everyday.
     
  21. aprilgail2

    aprilgail2 Guest

    Right there that one sentence would make him my EX-husband!! Forbade???? Sorry pal--that is NOT something I would ever put up with!

    Most of my best friends are married men- I go out to lunch alone with different guys from work all the time- and imagine, I never slept with any of them--it IS possible to have friends of the opposite sex! I am friends with some of their wives too now through hanging out with the guys. I have gone to concerts with a guy from work, his wife hates the band he likes so I go with him- and nope, never slept with him.... I have ZERO desire to have an affair with any of these guys but to me it is SO much easier and nicer to hang out with men rather than women- women are *****y and catty.
     

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