Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

[LisaR]

Some people seem to enjoy grocery shopping and if they enjoy going with a friend, what is the big deal? I go alone but it would be nice to have someone go along occasionally. My DH would rather poke himself in the eye.

I don't agree that close friendships with the opposite sex always turn into love or hate. Not everyone is the same.

And that is exactly why I think it is strange. I think it is pretty common for guys to hate grocery shopping. A male, married man willingly wanting to go grocery shopping period, much less with someone other than his wife is very odd to me.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm kind of curious why the OP doesn't go shopping or have breakfast/lunch with her husband?

Maybe the husband doesn't want to go shopping, or can't get away from work for breakfast/lunch. That's usually the case when I meet up with my friends, male or female - we're going out while DH is at work and the kids are in school.

 

[Planogirl]

And that is exactly why I think it is strange. I think it is pretty common for guys to hate grocery shopping. A male, married man willingly wanting to go grocery shopping period, much less with someone other than his wife is very odd to me.

Sometimes I enjoy grocery shopping and maybe some guys out there do too? Besides, a grocery store is a lousy place to have an affair.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I would have a problem with my spouse spending considerable time alone with a member of the opposite sex and my spouse would have a problem with me doing that. It's not a matter of trust. It's a matter of defending our marriage against all things that would potentially break it up. No matter how trustworthy someone is, things happen. Not all people that end up having affairs set out to have them. Sometimes, people just don't see it coming. And that's why one doesn't put one's self in that kind of situation.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Just to add, after work and the kids I dont really have as much time to devote to my wife as I'd like. I rarely go anywhere with just a friend, much less a female one

 

[Ginny Favers]

Just to add, after work and the kids I dont really have as much time to devote to my wife as I'd like. I rarely go anywhere with just a friend, much less a female one

Exactly! My husband always jokes whenever I have a smile on my face or get a phone call that it must be one of my lovers from work. And I'm like, heck, no, if I ever got free time after all my obligations are fulfilled, I WOULD spend it in bed, but by myself, sleeping.

As you get older, carrying on an affair actually starts seeming less exciting and more like another big fat exhausting hassle I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil than take on.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My husband and I trust each other. We both have friends of the opposite sex and don't have any worries.

We trust and respect each other. Worry, jealousy and insecurity doesn't promote healthy relationships, and certainly won't save a marriage.

 

[dolphinrescuegirl]

i don't have a friend like that and neither does dh so it is hard to comment on whether it would bother either of us. We both have friends of the opposite sex, but your relationship is much deeper than either of us have.

You mention grocery shopping with your friend. That seems odd to me. Dh and i grocery shop together. If he can't make it, it would never dawn on me to call a girlfriend (or guy friend) to go grocery shopping. Honestly, that seems off to me.

Having the occasional lunch with a member of the opposite sex wouldn't be an issue at all. If one of us was doing it all the time and not having any lunches with each other, nope, that wouldn't cut it.

+1

 

[snapppyd]

I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?

Maybe I'm from a different generation, but neither one of us would be comfortable if the other had this type of relationship. I wonder why you are blushing, are you thinking about it leading to something more? Also, I don't get the part about being in each others' homes when the spouses and children are out, sounds off to me.

 

[fly girl]

Some people seem to enjoy grocery shopping and if they enjoy going with a friend, what is the big deal? I go alone but it would be nice to have someone go along occasionally. My DH would rather poke himself in the eye.

Sure, if that was the only thing the friends did together I wouldn't be phased by it at all. But after spending time at each others houses, going out for meals, and now grocery shopping?! I have no idea why, but when you combine all of those things it took it to another level for me.


Like I said, I have zero problem with my dh having opposite sex friends. But he doesn't spend eons of time with them either. I think if he started too I would begin to wonder what am I not providing that this friend can?

 

[Candleinthewind]

To me and my friend it matters not that we are of the opposite sex. I have friends who have a weekly girlfriend's lunch together. I know men who meet weekly for golf or a run. Week in and week out, it is a set appointment. Thsi sort of thing could easily lead to an affair! Yes same sex affairs do happen!

When I mentioned shopping I am talking more about Costco in that the closest one is 25 miles away and we take turns to save on gas. Our spouses work outside of the home and we raise the kids. Shopping during the week means less crowds and frankly any time you can shop without multiple kids to wrangle it is a gift.

We go have breakfast before Costco opens and it sometimes ends up being twice or three times a month because their family eats a TON of fruit and they have some of the best prices. It is nice to have company just as much as it is nice to have alone time. Sometimes we are out so long that we end up having our favorite Chinese together for lunch.

We have also gone out to a matinee movie during the day while my spouse was traveling and the other spouse took the kids to soccer practice. Neither of our spouses were interested in seeing it so we went.

Some people have mentioned having known someone or had someone they knew having an affair, but it does not always happen. I am sorry but correlation does not imply causation.

I was interested in those who said their spouse forbade it. After 21 years together, my spouse and I are comfortable in our marriage to not even think of having affairs. It probably started on our wedding day when we each had a member of the opposite sex standing next to us at the altar. It was a Best Woman and Man of Honor next to us!

 

[Sabeking]

I just like to spend the most time with my DH as opposed to girlfriends or guy friends . I don't have a lot of energy between family, work, etc... To invest with another friend. I think living with three females my DH has enough of his lady time!

Interesting story. My two DDs have friends in their grades whose parents hung out together all the time. Each couple have a girl in 6th grade and a girl in 8th grade. The girls were all best friends. Now four years later the couples have divorced and married the other ones spouse. Am I making sense? Even I get confused with the situation.

 

[Candleinthewind]

I wonder why you are blushing, are you thinking about it leading to something more?

I was blushing because of the part you bolded. People of the same sex can end up having affairs. It is not just people of opposite sex.

Also, I don't get the part about being in each others' homes when the spouses and children are out, sounds off to me.

You don't know any women who have coffee during the day when no one is home? Men don't get together with a buddy with no one around to watch a sports game? Nothing off about that at all to me.

 

[Janepod]

I was blushing because of the part you bolded. People of the same sex can end up having affairs. It is not just people of opposite sex.

Here in my seemingly dull and straitlaced town, I know of more married women having affairs with each other than I do man-woman affairs. (Well, I know of 2 of the former and 0 of the latter, so it's not a huge sample size.)

 

[fly girl]

To me and my friend it matters not that we are of the opposite sex. I have friends who have a weekly girlfriend's lunch together. I know men who meet weekly for golf or a run. Week in and week out, it is a set appointment. Thsi sort of thing could easily lead to an affair! Yes same sex affairs do happen!

When I mentioned shopping I am talking more about Costco in that the closest one is 25 miles away and we take turns to save on gas. Our spouses work outside of the home and we raise the kids. Shopping during the week means less crowds and frankly any time you can shop without multiple kids to wrangle it is a gift.

We go have breakfast before Costco opens and it sometimes ends up being twice or three times a month because their family eats a TON of fruit and they have some of the best prices. It is nice to have company just as much as it is nice to have alone time. Sometimes we are out so long that we end up having our favorite Chinese together for lunch.

We have also gone out to a matinee movie during the day while my spouse was traveling and the other spouse took the kids to soccer practice. Neither of our spouses were interested in seeing it so we went.

Some people have mentioned having known someone or had someone they knew having an affair, but it does not always happen. I am sorry but correlation does not imply causation.

I was interested in those who said their spouse forbade it. After 21 years together, my spouse and I are comfortable in our marriage to not even think of having affairs. It probably started on our wedding day when we each had a member of the opposite sex standing next to us at the altar. It was a Best Woman and Man of Honor next to us!

OK, now this is starting to make more sense. You are a SAHM and a SAHD. Your original post didn't get into this detail which I think puts things into perspective (at least for me).


I get the shopping aspect now since it is 25 miles away. And hitting a restaurant while you are out on occassion makes sense. Do you go out to eat every time you go to Costco?


My question is, do all 4 of you ever go out? Personally, I think I would need that. I would need to have a solid friendship with the person you are spending this much time with. Does it mean anything? Absolutely not, affairs between friends happen. But dh and I know each others friends so that is why I feel that way.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

My partner and I have friends who are the same sex (we are gay, so it's same-sex versus opposite sex). We have no issues with us hanging out with our friends, etc. Hell many of times my partner would go out to the bar, dance with other guys, etc; at the end of the night though he still comes back home to me.

IMO, its all about trust and communication; trust that what you communicate as acceptable will be adhered to.

 

[Candleinthewind]

Here in my seemingly dull and straitlaced town, I know of more married women having affairs with each other than I do man-woman affairs.

Not confirmed but we think at least half of the married female tennis players are all having affairs with other.

 

[brockash]

I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?

I'm not going to lie, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable with it and I know my DH would as well. Honestly, I'm wondering how you both even find so much time to spend together??? I'm assuming you both work (at separate places), do either of you have kids? Do you guys spend more "awake" time together than with your own spouses? It does seem really odd, but I guess if all involved are fine with it, then who cares.

ETA: Just saw that you guys are stay at home parents, but that you both do have kids. The going to Costco thing to save on gas a couple times a month makes more sense now, however when you added in that you and the opposite friend parent went to a movie, while the other parent took the kids to soccer practice...not going to lie, I'd feel really odd telling a parent or the coach at soccer practice, that no my husband isn't here and neither is my female friend, because they went to a movie together, while I'm taking the kids to soccer practice alone. I don't know it just seems really weird, but like I said it really doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you guys aren't lying to yourselves about your feelings and that all four of you are happy with the situation.

 

[nd5056]

..
Interesting story. My two DDs have friends in their grades whose parents hung out together all the time. Each couple have a girl in 6th grade and a girl in 8th grade. The girls were all best friends. Now four years later the couples have divorced and married the other ones spouse. Am I making sense? Even I get confused with the situation.

Thinking opposite of a Celebrity Wife Swap, poor man wife swap???

.

 

[Candleinthewind]

Do you go out to eat every time you go to Costco?

Pretty much,

My question is, do all 4 of you ever go out?

Yes a couple of times when the stars align, everyone is in town, there is no early morning sports event, we do go out. Sad thing is every time we do, it is a $150-$250 meal per couple. Not bragging at all, it so happens that is what has happened when we double date. I guess it is so rare to get to dress up that we enjoy it and all splurge. We also have date nights on that rare occasion with our own spouses. They have been as simple as Subway to nice fancy dinners and live music. Our newest obsession is this wine and tapas restaurant.