Invading your kids privacy (possible debate)

[slo]

I'm curious......

How many of you feel it's ok to invade your kids privacy - looking at their phone, going through their room, reading a private diary etc.?

How many of you feel you should never ever go through your kids private things?

I look at my kids phones all the time.
I've always told them that I pay for the phone and I pay for the plan so their phone is simply theirs to borrow.
I also know my kids social media passwords and I go on them once in awhile to see what they are doing.
Luckily, I've never seen negative posts from them, but you should see what some of their friends post - it's UNBELIEVABLE!!! The things these people call their parents is shocking!!! One year I took my DD's phone away, for a punishment and I went through her facebook friends and started deleting tons of kids. She had so many friends, that she never knew I deleted them. Some of these kids were TOXIC!!!

I've never had a reason to search their rooms for anything - I've never felt they were hiding drugs or anything illegal.

I've never had a reason to read a diary, but I haven't found one since I don't search their rooms.


Obviously every situation is different.
If I thought my DD was hiding drugs in the house, than I would have no problem searching her room.

Parenting is so hard!!

 

[undertheradar]

I'm curious......

How many of you feel it's ok to invade your kids privacy - looking at their phone, going through their room, reading a private diary etc.?

How many of you feel you should never ever go through your kids private things?

I look at my kids phones all the time.
I've always told them that I pay for the phone and I pay for the plan so their phone is simply theirs to borrow.
I also know my kids social media passwords and I go on them once in awhile to see what they are doing.
Luckily, I've never seen negative posts from them, but you should see what some of their friends post - it's UNBELIEVABLE!!! The things these people call their parents is shocking!!! One year I took my DD's phone away, for a punishment and I went through her facebook friends and started deleting tons of kids. She had so many friends, that she never knew I deleted them. Some of these kids were TOXIC!!!

I've never had a reason to search their rooms for anything - I've never felt they were hiding drugs or anything illegal.

I've never had a reason to read a diary, but I haven't found one since I don't search their rooms.


Obviously every situation is different.
If I thought my DD was hiding drugs in the house, than I would have no problem searching her room.

Parenting is so hard!!

**This thread is it's own thing - leave another thread out of it.

A lot will depend upon the age of the child and the relationship between the parents and child.

 

[wdwmom2]

I would only do it if they gave me a reason. Other than that, I respect their privacy.

 

[Hrhpd]

I'm curious......

How many of you feel it's ok to invade your kids privacy - looking at their phone, going through their room, reading a private diary etc.?

How many of you feel you should never ever go through your kids private things?

I look at my kids phones all the time.
I've always told them that I pay for the phone and I pay for the plan so their phone is simply theirs to borrow.
I also know my kids social media passwords and I go on them once in awhile to see what they are doing.
Luckily, I've never seen negative posts from them, but you should see what some of their friends post - it's UNBELIEVABLE!!! The things these people call their parents is shocking!!! One year I took my DD's phone away, for a punishment and I went through her facebook friends and started deleting tons of kids. She had so many friends, that she never knew I deleted them. Some of these kids were TOXIC!!!

I've never had a reason to search their rooms for anything - I've never felt they were hiding drugs or anything illegal.

I've never had a reason to read a diary, but I haven't found one since I don't search their rooms.


Obviously every situation is different.
If I thought my DD was hiding drugs in the house, than I would have no problem searching her room.

Parenting is so hard!!

**This thread is it's own thing - leave another thread out of it.

• I would never, ever read a private diary unless I thought my child was on the verge of suicide or something very drastic.
• As of right now, I have no reason to go through my children's phones. However, I do reserve the right to do it if I begin to not trust them. But I have been very, very lucky that their group of friends are good kids. I really don't care what other children post, that is their parent's problem.
• I would never, ever delete friends from their facebook without discussing it with my child. That is so over the line. We would sit down and go through them together and I would ask why they were friends with this particular person and what was the reason for being friends. If there was no good reason they were friends, then we would delete the person together. But me making the decision without trusting my child, no. As I said above, I don't care what other's post. That is their parent's problem, so I see no reason to actually go through my child's friends and delete them. And if they are posting nasty stuff, I WANT to be able to see it. That way I can counsel my child to stay away from them. For instance, if somebody posts they are going to vandalize such and such, that is a great opportunity to let my child know that this is not appropriate and to stay away because they could be accused just by being there.
• I don't search the room. However, as with the phone, I reserve the right to if I suspect something. I used to live in Colorado and everybody was flabbergasted when the parents had no idea that bombs were sitting on the Columbine killer's dressers. If my child was getting in trouble, was depressed, you bet I would be in their room. But it would have to be something pretty serious to break the trust rule.
• I do not have the passwords to my children's social media, however, they know that if they give me cause to want it, they have to give it up. However, I am friends with them, so I can see their facebook pages and they haven't as of yet put me on any blocks.

We operate on the philosophy that you have our trust until you break it. Once broken, it takes a lot to gain the trust back.

All children are different, so all parenting styles are different. And nobody's is perfect. We all do what we have to do. But we are very big believers in trust and respect. If you want respect and trust from them, you have to respect and trust the teen. Within reason of course. There is a difference between trusting your child and hiding your head in the sand and letting them run amok.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I would only do it if they gave me a reason. Other than that, I respect their privacy.

Since my kids are still smaller and pretty much have no modesty and don't have the tech issues, I am just predicting how I will handle such things.

I think that unless they give me a reason to worry I would respect their privacy. However, once they lose that trust all bets are off.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We used to check their phones, but it got to the point where the trust was there that it wasn't necessary any more. But if we suspected an issue of some type, we wouldn't hesitate to check phones, social media, etc.

We are friends with them on their social media platforms.

 

[Neesy228]

It largely depends on the child, I think. I don't worry about my oldest very much. He's got a good head on his shoulders and he's pretty open and honest with me, so I give him his privacy. He's never given me a reason to doubt him.

My middle child, however....well, lets just say that I live in fear that he's going to be one of "those kids" that other parents complain about. So, I watch him pretty closely. He just got an instagram account, but I hounded him about online respect and responsibility for a while before I let him get it. I follow him and have his password. I also check his texts on his phone every so often. He's going to push all boundaries and stay just inside the edge of trouble throughout his teens. I can see him coming from a mile away!

My youngest is only 8, so I still have a few more years with her before I have to worry about any of that.

 

[aprilgail]

I would only do it if they gave me a reason. Other than that, I respect their privacy.

Totally agree! And i would never go on their facebook and delete people without first tslking to my child, that is so crossing boundaries !! That would certainly drive a wedge between any kind of relationship in my opinion!! I can see why maybe your daughter is reaching out to another adult for support if this is the kind of distrustfulness she has at home.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We don't, but we let them know periodically that we reserve the right to do so any time we decide it's necessary.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I don't, but I would never say never to anything. If I suspected any illegal behavior, especially drugs, then sure. But in general, I believe my kids need the room to grow and figure out who they are without me reading their texts and logging into their social media. I do follow them on Instagram and am friends with them on Facebook, but kids don't seem to use Facebook anymore. I think it's important that my kids know that we trust them. There is nothing they have done to break that trust. Kids who are heavily monitored and sheltered are the ones that go hog wild in college.

 

[JanaDee]

**This thread is it's own thing - leave another thread out of it.

No, I really don't think this is it's own thing and is a good clue as to why your relationship is what it is with your daughter. I don't trust people that think they need to snoop on me, no matter how old I am.

No, I don't invade my kids privacy.

 

[TaylorEar]

(Disclaimer: I don't have kids!) BUT, if I did I think it would totally depend on the kid and their history. I also feel like if I didn't trust their online activities/social media or felt the need to snoop I would re-think allowing them to participate. I think that part of allowing a kid to have a FB/twitter/instagram/etc is trusting them to use it responsibly. If they aren't old/mature enough to police their own friends list/followers, they aren't mature enough to use the platform.

As far as phones go - if you have set the rule "this phone is mine, you are just borrowing it - I can check it whenever I want to", then I don't see that as invading their privacy, since they know the "rules" ahead of time.

I would NEVER read through a personal diary or toss a kid's room looking for personal stuff without there being some major red flags and something specific that I was looking for (drugs, razor blades, etc). I think it's really important for kids to have a sense of privacy, especially in their own space. I think the less privacy they feel like they have, the more secretive they will become.

 

[slo]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

I read my kid's social media accounts. She doesn't know I know them, but they're public, so. That's on her.

I do go through her room on occasion but 1. she continually takes all the towels after her showers and 2. she cuts, so sometimes we perform searches for implements.

I try to leave diaries alone. I've accidentally read a couple that were written in school-type notebooks, but once I realize, they just get put where they belong.

 

[undertheradar]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

How old is the child in question and how long has she had social media accounts?

 

[TaylorEar]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

If you feel like you have to prune your daughter's friends list that implies that she is incapable of making those decisions for herself - which would indicate she is not ready to have a FB account at all.

It is totally NORMAL for kids to talk horribly about their parents to their friends from time to time... if you are shocked at what kids are posting online, maybe listen in on a middle school lunch room conversation.

 

[slo]

@familyoffive - she was 13 and had a social media account for 1 year.
She is almost 17 now and I don't delete people now because she's 4 years older.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

My kids were never allowed to have social media accounts before they were the legal age for that type of account.

I have four teen kids and I respect their privacy. My DH and I periodically review rules. We also have passwords, etc.

 

[RitaE]

I can't recall ever reading through a journal although I'd never say "I'll never do blankety blank." If I had a reason to, then I'd probably do it but I rather view journal writing in the same vein as counseling …. I wouldn't force my way uninvited into that either unless there was some form of extreme circumstances. My oldest son used to do a lot of writing … short stories, essays etc. He did keep a folder on his desk of "don't look" stuff for years and then stuff that he'd leave laying around apparently wanting us to read but not outright asking us to read. I admit I often had an urge to open that folder but I respected his right to keep it private.

With my oldest son I did have to time lock the internet router and confiscate the phone at 10pm on numerous occasions because he had an incredibly poor ability to self-regulate his own wake and sleep schedule. In other words, he'd stay up all night gaming and playing and then not want to go to school the next day. I also was constantly updating the parental controls on our computers with him too because he simply would not stay away from the naked stuff. Good lord I'm glad he's an adult now and if it's going on, I can remain blithely oblivious.

As far as the bedroom, I was always in and out of those to put away laundry or strip the beds or whatever. But then again, they're always in my bedroom too. I don't think I've ever deliberately snooped but the bedroom would be a terrible place to hide something. I'm sure the kids all had private stashes of hidden stuff in my house at one point or another because establishing autonomy from your parental figures is a natural part of maturing. But they've certainly never had the ability to pile guns and explosives around my house like the Columbine situation.

 

[cabanafrau]

One of mine is all grown now and the other is all but grown. The rules we set out with them when phones and Facebook, etc. became part of their lives was #1 for the most part treat it as if there would be no problem if it gets published on the front page of the New York Times and #2, it's your business & we'll leave it at that unless there are any signs of problems. DH is an IT professional and they know none of their stuff is truly private if he wishes to check. We've never had cause to worry about what they're up to on that front.