Invading your kids privacy (possible debate)

[Mickeyluver37]

OP, you've started 2 threads now where you are soliciting opinions and then lashing out when you aren't hearing what you want to hear. You seem shocked that people parent differently than you. My daughter has some friends who has mothers that are smothering, and she thanks us for being who we are. I'm not saying the younger teen years were easy- I don't think anyone with a teenage daughter could say that. But at 18, she respects us and we respect her. I think if you really sat down with your daughter and asked her to be honest with you, you would hear a lot of what people are saying in these posts.

And I don't know how it is where you live, but there's nothing they aren't already hearing in middle school and high school around here that is in a rated R movie. When my kids became young teens, I stopped monitoring what they watched.

 

[slo]

@Mickeyluver37 - I never lashed out in the other thread. I've done nothing but thank people for opinions.
I started this as debate about the topic, not a debate about ME

 

[NewRVLady]

I don't think young teen should have cell phone

Mine didn't- they had BEEPERS - LOL
They borrowed my phone if they drove at night
Too much bad stuff and mature stuff readily available

 

[RitaE]

Slo, I don't think people are shocked that you saw something on a 13 year old's phone that you felt needed to be corrected. It's the just going through and deleting the friends without talking to her about what you were doing and more importantly WHY you felt like it needed to be done. In my view, there is no lesson there, it's a very sneaky and underhanded way to try and control her.

I agree that the teen social media items can be shocking. But one thing I keep in mind is that in today's world, all this stuff is being put out there on electronic screens instead of just being said between people. It's not that my friends and I never said terrible things about other kids and adults when we were teens. We just said it in private conversations or over the phone and then the words disappeared forever and don't even get me started on all the selfies and instagram documentation. I am so, so glad that there isn't any sort of lingering photo documentation of my life as a 15 year old forever contained out in all the cyberspace back-up cache to pop up and haunt me at anytime.

It is much less private and much more forceful the way everything is put out in cyberspace now.

 

[TaylorEar]

@Mickeyluver37 - I never lashed out in the other thread. I've done nothing but thank people for opinions.
I started this as debate about the topic, not a debate about ME

I'm sorry, but starting this thread with the disclaimer "**This thread is it's own thing - leave another thread out of it." implies that you knew the two threads/topics were related and that people would definitely connect the two. Honestly, it comes off as a bit baiting/pot stirring in nature (again - maybe not your intention - but a possible impression).

You can't start a thread that alludes to a maybe-not-so-great relationship with your daughter AND a thread about invading your kid's privacy and NOT expect people to react with "ummm.... so, maybe there is a cause and effect thing going on here..." And suggesting this is not calling you a horrible mother, it is simply pointing out alternatives to "this other mother is ruining my relationship with my daughter!".

 

[cabanafrau]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

If I might gently suggest that perhaps you're a tad over vigilant in trying to shield teens from certain things, language being one? It's hard sometimes to recognize with the eldest where it's appropriate to step back and let them inhabit their space more and more fully as their own independent being, rather as an adjunct of you as the parent or the result of your parenting. I don't say this to be critical or to be an expert, more as a parent who's been a mile or two down the road you're driving down. The speed limit gets very fast, the traffic gets heavy, turns are wild, lanes shift wildly and it's important every driver has their own defensive driving experience.

I'd prefer if my kids were going to see or hear inappropriate things that I be around to talk it over with them. IMO with what's on TV these days it would be pretty pointless to insist teens don't see R rated movies.

My kids have had several friends over the years I cannot stand. We've discussed what I saw as issues regarding being friends with them. I've never had to ban anyone. I went to a competition my 17 year old was in recently. A troubled boy she is friendly with came to support his "fiance" (her father was consulting my DH about tracking software for his DD's phone -- he's got major reasons to worry.) I asked my DD if the boy was high (he was) -- she had no idea because she hadn't gotten close enough to see him clearly. Later when she and her boyfriend were hanging at our house I told her flat out she was not to do any social events where they were dating or going anywhere with this boy because it's only a matter of time before he's busted. Both she and her boyfriend said they already knew & want nothing to do with that situation.

My kids know it's serious when DH or I have anything to say about their social lives because for the most part we've just been the willing chauffeurs or cheerful hosts with some advice thrown in every now and then. It's important for them to understand you respect their judgment overall so they feel ready to give yours some respect also.

 

[sharona]

Age has a lot to do with the different perspectives here I think. I respect my DD12's privacy as long as there are no issues or concerns with her behavior. I don't search her room or read her diary but I do occasionally go through her phone text messages and browser history - which she agreed in advance were to be reviewed at my discretion. I don't consider it snooping, just being a vigilant parent. It's a new age and there are new and different things to worry about in addition to all the usual sex and drugs worrying! She doesn't have a FB or Twitter but we agreed that Instagram was ok and she knows that I "follow" her and am aware of what she's posting. We also agreed no Instagram followers who are not either at her school or related to us without my prior approval.

There was an incident last year where DD seemed a bit "off" but would not tell me what was going on. I checked her phone (not on the sneak, with her knowledge) and one of the girls she was "friends" with at school was being a bit of a bully about something and when I saw the texts I did ask her about it and we discussed how she was going to handle it. It was a chance for us to have a very good conversation about what a real friend was and how to respond to that type of aggressiveness. She was very happy with how she ended up handling it based on my advice and our discussion. If I hadn't seen the texts, I probably would never have known about it and yes maybe she would have handled it on her own or maybe it would have escalated into a much bigger issue.

I do think that as she gets older, her right to privacy will become more important and I intend to give her more space (assuming no major concerns).

As to the debate in this thread - parenting is the most difficult, scariest, most rewarding and wonderful thing you will ever do. We're all different and our children are individuals too. It's not one size fits all. I don't see the need or the point of criticizing someone else's parenting style.

 

[Kitty 34]

I never felt the need to go through my three sons things so I guess I would say no.

 

[luvsJack]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

While I understand WHY you felt the friends should be deleted, I wouldn't have done it myself. DD has always had "friends" on social media that were classmates but not really "real life" friends. Some of them say and do things she isn't going to do. Not now, at her age and not at 13 either.

You aren't teaching your child anything by taking the control of who they are friends with or not friends with. A far better lesson would be a discussion of why your child shouldn't post things like that or say things like that and what's wrong with it. You aren't going to be able to keep your child from hearing those kinds of things at school, on the bus, in the playground or at the local kid hangout. Its going to happen. You aren't going to be able to determine whether any kid they hang around would say those things. So, the object should be to teach YOUR child to do and say what is right, not try to control those around them.

DD is almost 17. At this point in her life, its not someone talking ugly on FB that I have to worry about but the drinking and partying. I can't follow her every movement to control whether she hangs out with the partying kids. I have to take the time to teach and talk and discuss (and pray!) with her about the dangers and the reasons why not to do those things.



As for your poll--I do not check dd's phone and haven't for years. Just like my mother did not listen in on my phone conversations, I don't butt in dd's. I have never searched her room and the only reason I ever would is if I had reason to suspect she had drugs. She doesn't keep a diary, so not something I could do if I wanted to; but if she did, there is no way I would ever read it.

 

[NMAmy]

My dd is grown now so, of course, I respect her privacy. When she was younger, I would not have read a diary or searched her room unless I was suspicious that she was doing something dangerous (i.e, drug use, weapons, thoughts of suicide.) I'd do anything to help her through that but it's not something I would undertake lightly or for nor reason.

As far as deleting friends from social media, no way would I ever do that. If I thought there was an issue, I'd talk to her about it and let her make her own choice. I think almost all teens talk crap about their parents--I did and I know dd did. It doesn't mean the relationship is bad forever. It's just way for kids to separate from their parents. I think deleting friends was way over the line and a bit controlling.

DD had one friend and one boyfriend over the years who I thought were pretty bad. I didn't forbid dd from hanging out with either but pointed out a few things that I found troubling. (The friend treated dd badly and she and the boyfriend did nothing but bicker all day long.) After thinking about it for a couple of weeks, she kind of quietly cut things off with each and we didn't really discuss it until later. She was at a time in her life where it was difficult for her to say I was right. But she did listen and pay attention which was encouraging.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We don't, but we let them know periodically that we reserve the right to do so any time we decide it's necessary.

Speaking very generally here, but this is how we've always felt. We've looked or come across things a couple of times and discussed things we deemed inappropriate, and why. We wouldn't go in and heavy hand anything, though, like deleting friends, even if friends are being inappropriate. I think there's a difference between teaching someone something and forcing someone to do something. We've been fortunate our kids have been amenable to teaching, though.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think young teen should have cell phone

Mine didn't- they had BEEPERS - LOL
They borrowed my phone if they drove at night
Too much bad stuff and mature stuff readily available

Using that logic your teens probably shouldn't have had beepers because you didn't when you were a teen. Those kinds of arguments don't hold water IMO. Times change and changes call for adaptation. Without a willingness to adapt and use tools humanity would still be in the stone ages.

My kids have had phones since they were in middle school. They have never been a problem whatsoever. One of them is about to reach the ripe old age of 21 next month, is well on her way to her first college degree, has held a very responsible job her entire college career and acquitted herself well enough to have moved up the ranks to be performing the same work as grad students and even in a supervisory role to them on several occasions. Her 17 year old sister has very different interests overall, yet still manages to be an honor student, hold a job where there is no room for her to goof off, and is involved in a very long list of clubs, sports and groups at school. Despite practically having their phones welded into their hands a good portion of their free time (which is precious little), they don't seem all the worse from the care and keeping of their own phones all these years.

 

[HM]

The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.

Here's the thing---She should have had a rule that the only people she could friend would be people she physically knows. That was a big rule when my kids were younger. You should have rules laid out about how her phone is to be used and not used. If the child doesn't follow those rules, then phone can be taken away.

Btw, my kids didn't have any social media at age 13, their phones were text and talk only at that age. They only got FB when they were already in HS, so that they could keep up with a couple school projects that used FB for their contact point.

 

[NewRVLady]

I agree - friends only ..... nOT friends of friends
I do this myself

 

[NewRVLady]

Sorry cabanafra- still don't think middle school kids NEED cell phones
High school yes

My kids were some of first to have beepers- I was a progressive parent_ LOL
They Are in 30's now -no teen had phones back then

 

[cabanafrau]

Here's the thing---She should have had a rule that the only people she could friend would be people she physically knows. That was a big rule when my kids were younger. You should have rules laid out about how her phone is to be used and not used. If the child doesn't follow those rules, then phone can be taken away.

Btw, my kids didn't have any social media at age 13, their phones were text and talk only at that age. They only got FB when they were already in HS, so that they could keep up with a couple school projects that used FB for their contact point.

I don't necessarily think OP meant her DD didn't know them, merely that they were very slight acquaintances, i.e. they were both in 3rd hour Spanish that year type of thing.

 

[LBIJim]

We randomly checked our daughters' cell phones and e-mails, but never found anything bad. Either they were good girls or were experts at hiding or deleting incriminating material. Facebook and similar didn't come out until they were older, late in high school or already in college, so no checking there.

When we first got texting, our plan was for something like 10 cents a text after a certain amount. In the first month, younger daughter had over 3000 texts and an extra $200 on our bill. I hit the roof on that one. The detailed bill showed numerous texts during school hours.

Between younger DD's junior and senior years in HS, I had to move her nightstand to access the electric outlet behind it. A box of condoms was on the floor under the nightstand. . Now why couldn't she put the condoms INSIDE the nightstand so that I didn't find them?

 

[HM]

Oh, and OP, if your child has a camera on her phone, you'll need to remind her that anything she posts can be sent around the world in a skinny minute and could come back to haunt her in the future. She may be too young for employment yet, but there will be a time that she is. Talking about how things work online is always an important ongoing conversation with children.

 

[cabanafrau]

Sorry cabanafra- still don't think middle school kids NEED cell phones
High school yes

My kids were some of first to have beepers- I was a progressive parent_ LOL
They Are in 30's now -no teen had phones back then

Lots of people agree with that. No big deal. Could my children have functioned without their phones back then? Sure. It would have been a tremendous inconvenience many times. Back then they had flip phones & could only text or call. Many times there was indeed a NEED for them to get a hold of me. Totally worth it to me.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

With my oldest son I did have to time lock the internet router and confiscate the phone at 10pm on numerous occasions because he had an incredibly poor ability to self-regulate his own wake and sleep schedule. In other words, he'd stay up all night gaming and playing and then not want to go to school the next day.

Yyyyep, I have one of those. "I sleep! I go to sleep! You don't know me! You just blame me for everything!" We started turning off the router and suddenly she was downstairs for "a drink of water". Why are you in the living room for a drink of water? "Oh, I don't know...I'm just so tired, I guess!" Nice try, sister.