Invading your kids privacy (possible debate)

[nugov2]

• I would never, ever read a private diary unless I thought my child was on the verge of suicide or something very drastic.
• As of right now, I have no reason to go through my children's phones. However, I do reserve the right to do it if I begin to not trust them. But I have been very, very lucky that their group of friends are good kids. I really don't care what other children post, that is their parent's problem.
• I would never, ever delete friends from their facebook without discussing it with my child. That is so over the line. We would sit down and go through them together and I would ask why they were friends with this particular person and what was the reason for being friends. If there was no good reason they were friends, then we would delete the person together. But me making the decision without trusting my child, no. As I said above, I don't care what other's post. That is their parent's problem, so I see no reason to actually go through my child's friends and delete them. And if they are posting nasty stuff, I WANT to be able to see it. That way I can counsel my child to stay away from them. For instance, if somebody posts they are going to vandalize such and such, that is a great opportunity to let my child know that this is not appropriate and to stay away because they could be accused just by being there.
• I don't search the room. However, as with the phone, I reserve the right to if I suspect something. I used to live in Colorado and everybody was flabbergasted when the parents had no idea that bombs were sitting on the Columbine killer's dressers. If my child was getting in trouble, was depressed, you bet I would be in their room. But it would have to be something pretty serious to break the trust rule.
• I do not have the passwords to my children's social media, however, they know that if they give me cause to want it, they have to give it up. However, I am friends with them, so I can see their facebook pages and they haven't as of yet put me on any blocks.

We operate on the philosophy that you have our trust until you break it. Once broken, it takes a lot to gain the trust back.

All children are different, so all parenting styles are different. And nobody's is perfect. We all do what we have to do. But we are very big believers in trust and respect. If you want respect and trust from them, you have to respect and trust the teen. Within reason of course. There is a difference between trusting your child and hiding your head in the sand and letting them run amok.

I'm pretry much in line with this, other than I will have their social media password when they are on it. Right now my oldest is 10 and she isn't on any. She has a phone and I rarely check it, but I did look at texts before.

I do have blocks on her laptop. She can't go on just any website(I have them filtered) and it will boot her off after being on it for too long.

 

[nugov2]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.
Kids have a way of friending people they barely know - those aren't friends
If you heard someone she knows calling her mom the "C" word and other horrible things - would you allow them to hang around with that person?
I bet - NO
The people that were deleted were people she doesn't really know.
I would not delete someone that she was really and truly friends with - I'm not a demon
The people I deleted were not even noticed and that's because they were unimportant.
If I don't let me kids watch rated R movies with language, why would I want them reading that from facebook acquaintences??

Why? For me that is a very disrespectful way to go about it. I am pretty sure you wouldn't want someone to just remove things from your personal property without even discussing why. Having an issue with and discussing it with your dd is one thing and even laying down ground rules is another thing, but just making the decision like a dictator is wrong. It is IMO a sure fire way to drive a huge wedge between you and your dd. I don't think it makes you a demon, but it is the wrong way to have a trusting and open relationship with your dd.

 

[nugov2]

Sorry cabanafra- still don't think middle school kids NEED cell phones
High school yes

My kids were some of first to have beepers- I was a progressive parent_ LOL
They Are in 30's now -no teen had phones back then

I disagree. There are no longer pay phones anywhere. If they need to get in touch with me how will they do so at a park? I had a friend who due to a misunderstanding her son got left alone at a practice miles from his home alone. He didn't have a phone and had no way to contact anyone. He started to walk home. Luckily they figured out what happened and he got picked up. Schools no longer around here have pay phones either and they are often at activities. Not all kids feel comfortable asking the teacher if they can use a phone if they feel ill or upset and again without a payphone in the hall to use may not call. I want to know that my children have a way to contact me if they need/want to. It gives me peace of mind. We certainly did survive without them, but again we had payphones even at parks when I was a kid and my mom always made sure I had change for a call or as I got older a calling card that I carried in my bag. So obviously she had the same concerns that I be able to contact someone if I needed to.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I honestly don't understand why deleting some TOXIC people from a 13yr olds account is so bad.

Wait... you deleted these people? Did you talk to your child first? Why not have them do it? You said they didn't even notice?!?

At that age, I would have told them to only friend people they know, and if they didn't, I would have told them to delete the connections, not do it for them.

 

[Bec3b1g]

No--3 teen boys (19, 18, 18) and we've never had a reason to snoop.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Sorry cabanafra- still don't think middle school kids NEED cell phones

When a middle school student walks home from the bus by his or herself to an empty house, I find a cellphone is a need.

But students will have social media access without a cellphone, anyway.

 

[nugov2]

When middle school student walks home from the bus by his or herself to an empty house, I find a cellphone is a need.

But students will have social media access without a cellphone, anyway.

I like to look at it as a risk vs reward. What is the risk of having a cell phone? To me there is none. All the trouble they can get into with it, can be done without it really unless you block them from computers, video games etc. What is the reward? I know my child can get in touch with me in an emergency or that I can get in touch with them if I have one. That reward IMO is priceless. If it is because of cost and your child is too young to contribute or understand it, I'd have them do chores or come up with another way to earn the right to have one. You can still teach them the lesson of things costing money and is t to he same as paying for them to participate in sports/dance etc. For me at a certain age it is a safety issue and my kids will have them.

 

[verleniahall]

I picked "other" due to no children at this time

BUT growing up, this would have been my parents (If fb had been around)

I'm curious......

How many of you feel it's ok to invade your kids privacy - looking at their phone, going through their room, reading a private diary etc.?

How many of you feel you should never ever go through your kids private things?

I look at my kids phones all the time.
I've always told them that I pay for the phone and I pay for the plan so their phone is simply theirs to borrow.
I also know my kids social media passwords and I go on them once in awhile to see what they are doing.
Luckily, I've never seen negative posts from them, but you should see what some of their friends post - it's UNBELIEVABLE!!! The things these people call their parents is shocking!!! One year I took my DD's phone away, for a punishment and I went through her facebook friends and started deleting tons of kids. She had so many friends, that she never knew I deleted them. Some of these kids were TOXIC!!!

I've never had a reason to search their rooms for anything - I've never felt they were hiding drugs or anything illegal.

I've never had a reason to read a diary, but I haven't found one since I don't search their rooms.


Obviously every situation is different.
If I thought my DD was hiding drugs in the house, than I would have no problem searching her room.

Parenting is so hard!!

**This thread is it's own thing - leave another thread out of it.

 

[deedeetoo]

I have two teens. I have never looked at my kids phones and wouldn't dream of deleting friends. I guess if I had some reason to think that they were involved in some bad behavior then I might ask that they show me texts but it hasn't come up.

I do go in their rooms on a regular basis but not to snoop. They don't keep their doors closed when they're not in there so its pretty open and available to see most of the time. For example, I'll go in to open or close windows if the house is hot or cold, or to look for a form that I know they need filled out but forgot to give me. The worst things I have come across are food related items that should have been tossed or put in the dishwasher long ago, or homework sitting on their desk that they've forgotten to take to school.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

No not when they were 13 nor anytime since. I trust my children but reserved the right to check if needed. They gave me no reason. I refused to get involved in teen drama unless there was bullying and my children have friends who they have no clue who they are. They also don't even notice if they post something offensive. I would notice it before them. They are kids.

I agree the only way I would do any of this is if I had a huge red flag. They need to grow up and learn to deal with stuff and not watching an R rated movie is not going to even be a blip of removing language/sex from their lives.

 

[Saimaeve]

Not usually. I'll go through her room if we're trying to find things. But she's present (She is notorious about losing her medical alert bracelets) I check her room for cleanliness and make sure her chores have been finished. I also go through her clothes to weed out stuff that is worn or doesn't fit but she's usually around. I do not read notes I find. If I find one I usually put it in her bedside table drawer. I only read things she gives me to read.

She isn't on social media yet outside of a few games. As long as I'm not worried I won't go through her stuff. I work in social media so I teach her a lot more about it than most parents because I see the good and the bad. She knows how to report items on all platforms, she knows what happens after she reports things and she knows basic social media safety.
Once she is ready for it, she'll have access to age appropriate ones.

We've a pretty open relationship, she has 2 journals. 1 that I do not see and 1 that she and I write letter back and forth. If there is an issue she wants to bring up but doesn't want to talk about it, she'll write it out in order to get her feelings straight and give it to me. I'll make notes and reply. Sometimes it's nothing serious. (A friend at school said she needed to learn her lines better) sometimes it is. Such as she's been having some strange headaches. It's usually things she doesn't really think are big things and will just write stream of consciousness. I'll use it to track things that may seem tiny day to day but in the grand scheme of things gives a bigger picture of things going on.

She has an email address with a restricted contact list.(some friends and family) She's graduating to a non restricted one soon.

She's getting a phone this summer but it will only be used for emergencies. I will restrict data usage on it and she knows if I have concerns I will check it. (She's younger than middle school) However I think a lot of people think "Oh well I didn't have my own cell phone until I was 20! Cell phones are luxuries" While that may be true in some instances, I don't agree. Cell phones weren't that big when I was a kid, but there was always home phones and pay phones. Now that's not as accurate.

I don't think I would remove friends unless they are an actual threat. Calling your mother a C word isn't nice or appropriate. Would I delete a friend on her list for that? Of course not! That's silly. If for some reason I saw that, I would ask about the friend. Maybe the mother really is a not nice person. Maybe there are issues at home. Not all mothers are saints. Not all children are evil ungrateful brats. I would also explain that the language isn't really appropriate in that context and I hope that she knows if she feels that way towards me, I hope she can come to me or another trusted adult and discuss why she feels that way so we can figure it out.

Toxic is a very serious word. Bad language isn't really something that would label someone as toxic to me. I would never go around saying this person is toxic, that person is toxic unless they truly are. That way my child understands that toxic people are serious and not just the word to use when you don't like something.

 

[SkaGoat]

When we first got texting, our plan was for something like 10 cents a text after a certain amount. In the first month, younger daughter had over 3000 texts and an extra $200 on our bill. I hit the roof on that one.

I don't think I'd be alive to read your post if I had run up any of our bills that much

 

[Laura66]

• I would never, ever read a private diary unless I thought my child was on the verge of suicide or something very drastic.
• As of right now, I have no reason to go through my children's phones. However, I do reserve the right to do it if I begin to not trust them. But I have been very, very lucky that their group of friends are good kids. I really don't care what other children post, that is their parent's problem.
• I would never, ever delete friends from their facebook without discussing it with my child. That is so over the line. We would sit down and go through them together and I would ask why they were friends with this particular person and what was the reason for being friends. If there was no good reason they were friends, then we would delete the person together. But me making the decision without trusting my child, no. As I said above, I don't care what other's post. That is their parent's problem, so I see no reason to actually go through my child's friends and delete them. And if they are posting nasty stuff, I WANT to be able to see it. That way I can counsel my child to stay away from them. For instance, if somebody posts they are going to vandalize such and such, that is a great opportunity to let my child know that this is not appropriate and to stay away because they could be accused just by being there.
• I don't search the room. However, as with the phone, I reserve the right to if I suspect something. I used to live in Colorado and everybody was flabbergasted when the parents had no idea that bombs were sitting on the Columbine killer's dressers. If my child was getting in trouble, was depressed, you bet I would be in their room. But it would have to be something pretty serious to break the trust rule.
• I do not have the passwords to my children's social media, however, they know that if they give me cause to want it, they have to give it up. However, I am friends with them, so I can see their facebook pages and they haven't as of yet put me on any blocks.

We operate on the philosophy that you have our trust until you break it. Once broken, it takes a lot to gain the trust back.

All children are different, so all parenting styles are different. And nobody's is perfect. We all do what we have to do. But we are very big believers in trust and respect. If you want respect and trust from them, you have to respect and trust the teen. Within reason of course. There is a difference between trusting your child and hiding your head in the sand and letting them run amok.

This is how we operate!
And - I work at the Middle School and 95 percent of kids are using this language - the "bad"kids, the "good" kids - almost all of them. Some just have no filter or think/try to be "cool" and post it on social media!

 

[SaraJR]

i dont have kids atm, however if i had a teen yes id lurk periodically, for safety purposes only i think the biggest rule with this needs to be that your kid wont 'get in trouble' for anything you find (unless its super bad like you found out they beat someone or stole or something) but with the extreme and dangerous populatity of thinspo and other self harm trends i would definately do some once in a while lurking so if i found anything i could compassionately address it. Also for teen/preteen parents terms to watch for : thinspo, proana, anasisters, mia, kat/cat(referenced as a friend youv never heard of),ana. messages to watch for are things refering to 'bad friends' named mia,ana,or kat/cat when you havent heard of such a friend as these are used as codes for harmful behaviors often these are secondary accounts so it would be in a browser history but not on main profiles generally

 

[Mizzoufan]

If I felt that my kids were lying or hiding things from me then yes I would check there accounts. It would have to be very serious situation though.

 

[DisneyLuver2013]

Slo, I'm sorry you are getting a lot of negativity on these posts and I'm sorry for the situation you're in.

While I'm not a parent, heck - I haven't even been an adult for that long (just graduate HS), I do agree with what you are doing. Not to bring up another thread, but from background knowledge that I have read, I believe you have every right to go through your child's belongings. She has given you a reason to not trust her judgement, and so you are only looking out for what is best for her.

I also agree with deleting "toxic" friends from a child's FB list. Having people that you barely know on your FB or Instagram page can cause safety concerns.

It is your house, and therefore your children will abide by your rules. She is your child and you have the right as a parent to take an active involvement with her life.

I've seen way to many times where parents either don't care or let their children run wild, and it isn't a good situation for anybody. I wish more parents "snooped on" their kids, because maybe we wouldn't have some of the problems we do with teens today if parents took a more active role in their kids' lives.

If I was a parent and put into your situation, I would most likely be doing the same thing.

 

[SaraJR]

Luckily, I've never seen negative posts from them, but you should see what some of their friends post - it's UNBELIEVABLE!!! The things these people call their parents is shocking!!! One year I took my DD's phone away, for a punishment and I went through her facebook friends and started deleting tons of kids. She had so many friends, that she never knew I deleted them. Some of these kids were TOXIC!!!
.

I have to agree deleting her friends because you dont like how they speak isnt ok, I called my birth mother all sorts of names and if my friends parents had not let them hangout with me because of that i would have been left a lone in an abusive home for much longer, maybe her friends mom is a C just because someone gave birth doesnt mean they are a good person maybe they dont respect their mom because she doesnt deserve respect, there is no way to know.

 

[luvsJack]

Slo, I'm sorry you are getting a lot of negativity on these posts and I'm sorry for the situation you're in.

While I'm not a parent, heck - I haven't even been an adult for that long (just graduate HS), I do agree with what you are doing. Not to bring up another thread, but from background knowledge that I have read, I believe you have every right to go through your child's belongings. She has given you a reason to not trust her judgement, and so you are only looking out for what is best for her.

I also agree with deleting "toxic" friends from a child's FB list. Having people that you barely know on your FB or Instagram page can cause safety concerns.

It is your house, and therefore your children will abide by your rules. She is your child and you have the right as a parent to take an active involvement with her life.

I've seen way to many times where parents either don't care or let their children run wild, and it isn't a good situation for anybody. I wish more parents "snooped on" their kids, because maybe we wouldn't have some of the problems we do with teens today if parents took a more active role in their kids' lives.

If I was a parent and put into your situation, I would most likely be doing the same thing.

So, as a recent hs graduate, you would have been ok, if say, a year ago, your Mom or Dad going through your social media and deleting friends? Really? And you think your friends would have been ok with it?

YOUR house, YOUR children, YOUR rules, sounds all protective and stuff but there is another side to it. A young man that dd dated last year, graduated a year early and has gone straight to sign up for the Coast Guard. His reasons? A very controlling mom and his need to get away from her. She was still checking his texts when he and dd first started dating. He graduated from high school without being able to ride in a car with another teen (his own car and him driving or riding with another teen). He has never been on an actual date, he has never hung out with friends or went to the movies with friends or anything like that. So within a few months, he will be in the Coast Guard. Which is very commendable except his reasons are very skewed. And that is exactly what controlling your children will do.

There is a very wide space between snooping and controlling and letting your child run wild. I don't do the first and my child does not run wild. Some of the kids that DO run wild, have the most controlling parents--they have just learned to lie very well.

 

[aaarcher86]

Slo, I'm sorry you are getting a lot of negativity on these posts and I'm sorry for the situation you're in.

While I'm not a parent, heck - I haven't even been an adult for that long (just graduate HS), I do agree with what you are doing. Not to bring up another thread, but from background knowledge that I have read, I believe you have every right to go through your child's belongings. She has given you a reason to not trust her judgement, and so you are only looking out for what is best for her.

I also agree with deleting "toxic" friends from a child's FB list. Having people that you barely know on your FB or Instagram page can cause safety concerns.

It is your house, and therefore your children will abide by your rules. She is your child and you have the right as a parent to take an active involvement with her life.

I've seen way to many times where parents either don't care or let their children run wild, and it isn't a good situation for anybody. I wish more parents "snooped on" their kids, because maybe we wouldn't have some of the problems we do with teens today if parents took a more active role in their kids' lives.

If I was a parent and put into your situation, I would most likely be doing the same thing.

There's a huge middle ground between not being an active parent and deleting friends behind the back of your child.

 

[ronandannette]

We don't, but we let them know periodically that we reserve the right to do so any time we decide it's necessary.

Basically this, and no apologies here. DS is 18 now and it's not really an issue anymore but he was "coming up" just as social media really started to explode. We were all new to it and we learned as we went, which meant in some instances we looked in on what he was doing. There were a couple of situations over the course of time that we intervened in based on what we learned and would do it again under the same circumstances. Presently his iPhone is paid for through our contract and all we require is that the "find iPhone" app be enabled at all times for security purposes only. We no longer have the passwords to any of his devices or on-line accounts nor are we "friends" or "following" him anywhere.

As to the issue of what kids watch, read, listen to, etc...we're way past being able to control that either. HOWEVER, in our home we set the standards and nobody, including DS, is welcome to violate them. Certain movies, books, tv shows and/or music are not going to be watched (or whatever) under our roof. He can do those things elsewhere on his own steam if he insists.