If you were dating (1 year) living together (5 months)...

[KiKi Mouse]

Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.

How many threads on the DIS have this exact situation. People don't communicate and if they do one chooses to ignore what the other is saying and then their feelings are hurt.

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I lived together for about 6 months prior to our marriage. If it is a step towards marriage then to me it makes sense.

However when it is done in place of marriage, you end up in some murky legal waters. People forget the protection marriage offers within the law.

Living together:

1) You have no legal ties to your partner. If your partner is injured, his or her family could ban you from the hospital and not allow you in any decision making if you partner is unable to speak for themselves.

2) Unless your partner has added you to their financial accounts or named you beneficiary, if your partner dies you have no legal right to the money in those accounts.

3) If your partner dies you have no legal right to plan a funeral or decide where or how the burial will occur.

4) If the relationship ends badly, you have no automatic rights to the possessions you purchased together. If your partner cleans out your home then you have to wind your way through small claims to retrieve the items.

5) If you have debt accumulated jointly in your name, you would have to sue your partner to try and recover their part of the debt.

6) As a woman, if you are married your child automatically bears the name of your husband. Without marriage you have to have your partner sign the birth certificate or get a DNA test.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Exactly. IF I'm understanding correctly the boyfriend was straight up w/ her about the fact that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she....I dunno, either ignored him or thought she could change him/his mind.

Bingo!

 

[goofyintoronto]

6) As a woman, if you are married your child automatically bears the name of your husband. Without marriage you have to have your partner sign the birth certificate or get a DNA test.

All depends where youre from. Around here, that does not apply. The woman can give the baby her surname....and she doesnt have to put the farhers name on the birth certificate if she chooses not to. I have two friends who went thru this recently.

 

[ICF]

I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

'cause this is the DIS -- and if anyone is ever at fault, it's usually the guy???

There is an often a strong anti-guy vibe around here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

NO, ICF, I would not asssume that, at all.

And, yes, the other above posts are right.
Which is why I mentioned communication as the first big issue, and red flag.

Why hasn't the OP been clear on his intentions...
Why has she 'assumed' that he would, at this point, be willing to talk commitment?

I am not really making this guy the complete villian...
But, what do you guys expect him to say....
I get a place to stay, cost sharing, and physically satisfied... all with NO expectations... I am just taking what I can get from you, for now.. no promises, no questions asked???

Of course he isn't SAYING that.
But, hello, people, that is what he is doing/getting here.

No, he hasn't made any promises, and hasn't directly been stringing her along. But, he hasn't really been up front here about the situation, and her desire for commitment... for a future... etc...

Read her original post again..
She says, quote, "this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!"

And, if telling her "I have a plan", another direct quote... isn't stringing somebody along... then I really don't know what is. And, again, it should be THEIR plan. Which he seems to be refusing to discuss.

This isn't a person that I would want to invest too much more of my precious time here in my life into.... It really isn't....

They do not seem to be communicating.
They are not on the same page.
He is getting what he wants... with no commitment.
And, the OP is like many women out there, with those proverbial rose colored glasses on...
Thinking, 'he will grow up...', 'I can change him...' Etc....

BTDT

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I don't think it would matter to me one way or the other. If you are in a committed relationship, which obviously you are because he let you move in with him, then it shouldn't matter if you have a piece of paper to prove your relationship is valid. Obviously it's not a matter of wanting to get married for moral reasons or you would not be living with him out of wedlock. You two have obviously been married before and none of those relationships worked out. Maybe he had his fill of married life and just wants to be in a committed relationship without the pressure of being married and tied down.

You should have thought about all this before you moved in. You had only dated 6 months when you moved in with him so it seems like everything is being rushed already. You have only been together one year and you are already thinking you might need to put him on the spot or give him an ultimatum...so it seems like you may be really rushing things way too fast.

If I were you I would back off and quit worrying about whether or not he wants to get married. If you know you don't want to stay with him if he isn't willing to get married then you don't really love him. You just love the idea of being married and it probably wouldn't matter WHO it was. You said yourself if he had told you up front he didn't want to get married you wouldn't have kept dating him. So it is marriage that you want, not this particular guy it seems.

I think you should be upfront with him and TELL HIM "If I had known you didn't want to get married I would not have dated you to begin with. And if you tell me now you don't want to get married I don't want to continue the relationship" THEN be prepared to move out. I doubt he will give you the answer you are looking for.

 

[WDSearcher]

How is that not a comittment? Do tell.

I think that living together used to be a commitment. But times have changed. People start living together after knowing each other for three or four months. I know a couple who started living together after dating for less than six months because one person's lease was up and he needed a new place to live. The other person had a great apartment but needed furniture. He had furniture, she had an apartment, they were sleeping together at the time so hey -- move in! But there was no commitment involved other than him agreeing to pay half the rent.

It wasn't like they'd sat down and talked about their future and made a balanced and logical decision to move to the next step and cohabitate. Girl needed a roomie, guy needed somewhere to live and poof! Living together. They broke up four months after he moved in, but they still share the apartment, even though he now spends most of his time over at his new girlfriend's house.

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

Just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all the great replies, I appreciate everyone's viewpoint We sat down and had a heart-to-heart, we were both very honest and open-minded. The conversation went great!! We both understood each others viewpoints and have come to a mutual understanding of how each other feels and what our hope/expectations are for future plans

 

[Bethshaya]

They do not seem to be communicating.
They are not on the same page.
He is getting what he wants... with no commitment.
And, the OP is like many women out there, with those proverbial rose colored glasses on...
Thinking, 'he will grow up...', 'I can change him...' Etc....

BTDT

Marriage is not about the dress or the eight hours of reception. It is about the the forever after. It is a promise before God to put the others best interests, wants and needs ahead of your own first. It is about each day, every day, 24 hours, month after month together. Normal, plain, ordinary days full of work, kids with sniffles, commuting to work, being a soccer mom, making dinner, doing laundry. They wont be filled with horseback rides into the sunsets (though you might occasionally get one). The blessing of marriage comes in those ordinary days spent with someone you love. It becomes all about the other person, not about yourself. That is the only way to make it work. It is not in the swoon of romantic, spectacular events.

The questions at hand should not be about how will he propose, what kind of flowers or what color bridesmaid dresses. They should be: can I live the rest of my life with this person through all their strengths and faults? Will they care for my child as if they are their own? Am I financially ready for marriage? Do either of us have debt that will become the others problem? Does either of us have emotional baggage that we are bringing to the relationship that could be too much of a burden for the other to take on and carry together? Is the other person ready to give the same level of commitment to the marriage as I am?

Those questions can only be answered with time. Rushing into the I do's without considering the ever afters is a recipe for disaster.

 

[dansamy]

Well, you're already there. You got two choices. Lay out a time frame & be fully prepared (as in you've been saving, have your own household supplies, etc) to move out when that time is up. Or make an ultimatum & be ready to leave now.

I would not have moved in without something more concrete than "I don't know if I want to get married again."

 

[goofyintoronto]

I think that living together used to be a commitment. But times have changed. People start living together after knowing each other for three or four months. I know a couple who started living together after dating for less than six months because one person's lease was up and he needed a new place to live. The other person had a great apartment but needed furniture. He had furniture, she had an apartment, they were sleeping together at the time so hey -- move in! But there was no commitment involved other than him agreeing to pay half the rent.

It wasn't like they'd sat down and talked about their future and made a balanced and logical decision to move to the next step and cohabitate. Girl needed a roomie, guy needed somewhere to live and poof! Living together. They broke up four months after he moved in, but they still share the apartment, even though he now spends most of his time over at his new girlfriend's house.

Fair enough. But in the OP's situation, I'd like to know how that is not considered a commitment. Because obviously what you're describing is different.

 

[thewishfire]

I'm (sort of) surprised at how many people here are against moving in together before marriage/engagement.

I live with my boyfriend. We moved in together very quickly because it was the right decision for us. I'm happy that we did. We learned what it's like to be around each other day in and day out, how to manage our finances as a unit, deal with everyday problems, etc. I don't think I'd want to get married before knowing someone on this sort of level. I'm more comfortable knowing that we're compatible in every way. I don't want the only thing keeping us together to be a legal document, I want it to be love. This is a real commitment, whether everyone thinks so or not.

As for the OP... I would give him more time. If things in the home are happy, and your families are doing well together, there's no reason to rush. One year is not too long to be together and not engaged. It's good to discuss what you want for your future, but don't forget to enjoy your current life together, too.

 

[mrsklamc]

Fair enough. But in the OP's situation, I'd like to know how that is not considered a commitment. Because obviously what you're describing is different.

It is? Sounds very similar to me.

 

[moon]

And have made it clear that one day (not tomorrow) you would like to get married, would you find it odd that the guy NEVER mentions it, unless someone brings it up...then says 'I have a plan' this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!! It just strikes me a little odd! I've made it very clear I don't want to waste my time if he isn't ever interested in being married again!! Thoughts??

If it helps we are in our early 40s and a blended family, we all get along great!!

Thanks everyone for all the great feedback!!! I have tried recently (couple weeks ago) to revisit the topic. I mentioned a story about my friend (who had flown in from TX) and how her and her husband met and got married, etc!! When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized

The bolded in both posts jumped out at me. "this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs " 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy"

OP, are you sure there aren't any other issues?

It is? Sounds very similar to me.

Sounds very similar to me, also

 

[KiKi Mouse]

3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm (sort of) surprised at how many people here are against moving in together before marriage/engagement.

I live with my boyfriend. We moved in together very quickly because it was the right decision for us. I'm happy that we did. We learned what it's like to be around each other day in and day out, how to manage our finances as a unit, deal with everyday problems, etc.

Ok side note...combining finances with someone you are not married to is a terrible, terrible idea. If they decide to drain the bank account you have zero recourse.

 

[gert]

I was in a similar situation to the OP. My boyfriend and I got together in 2009, and just over a year later he moved in with me and my daughter. I felt the same way for a long time - was this relationship going to proceed to marriage? I agonized silently over it, not wanting to box him in by mentioning it, but also really wanting the "permanent" feeling that a ring and a piece of paper provides. It's a silly thing, really, a ring and a piece of paper.

Eventually I just stopped torturing myself over it. Settled into the idea that we're together and our life is wonderful and that's all that matters. I stopped obsessing over what I didn't have and started focusing on what I did have.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him this past January. We got married earlier this month. I was so settled on the idea that we would never be married that I'm still in shock over it.

 

[minkydog]

I was in a similar situation to the OP. My boyfriend and I got together in 2009, and just over a year later he moved in with me and my daughter. I felt the same way for a long time - was this relationship going to proceed to marriage? I agonized silently over it, not wanting to box him in by mentioning it, but also really wanting the "permanent" feeling that a ring and a piece of paper provides. It's a silly thing, really, a ring and a piece of paper.

Eventually I just stopped torturing myself over it. Settled into the idea that we're together and our life is wonderful and that's all that matters. I stopped obsessing over what I didn't have and started focusing on what I did have.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him this past January. We got married earlier this month. I was so settled on the idea that we would never be married that I'm still in shock over it.

I don't think wanting a ring and a piece of paper is a silly thing. If it's important to someone it's not silly. DH & I decided NOT to live together prior to getting married, even though we spent every moment together that we weren't at work. We felt it was right for us to wait on moving in together until we had made the commitment before God and our families. Of course, we dated for 2-1/2 years, so we knew each other pretty well.

I do not look down on other people who do otherwise. My youngest sister moved in with her boyfriend after they had talked about marriage. He said he wanted to marry her, but wanted to wait awhile. She HEARD, "I want to get married!" Well, months passed, then years passed and DSis was more and more unhappy and frustrated with his waffling. Sometime in the 4th year she decided to hold his feet to the fire. He didn't like it--he would have happily gone on living together forever--but he realized that she was ready to walk. She needed that legal commitment. Six months later they were married and it's going on 22 years.

Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks

 

[Disney Doll]

I wouldn't live with someone. Not my value system. I make no judgements about other peoples' value systems.

My theory always was if you love me you'll want to marry me.

Based on the OP's updating post, everything seems to have been settled to their mutual satisfaction. Sounds good.

My only other thought is that I wouldn't give an ultimatum or anything else. I'd just decide what I thought was best for me and my child and then do it. No ultimatums, no drama. Rent an apartment, get my stuff out of his place.

A simple "I love you and want this to go to the next level, that being marriage, but I see no movement on your part in that direction and our current situation is no longer acceptable to me so I'm leaving".

If we were living in my house then the conversation would be "I love you and want to go to the next level, which is marriage, but I see no movement on your part in that direction so I will need you to find another place to live by X date".

Simple really.