If you were dating (1 year) living together (5 months)...

[wvjules]

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.

Dup post

 

[wvjules]

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.

I am curious what you consider him to be then.
He doesn't partake in any parenting whatsoever?

 

[dansamy]

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.

Doesn't matter what you consider him. It matters how she sees him & what role he takes in the home. If he co-parents, then she sees him as a father figure.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.

I hear you. Just because he's your partner and you all live together, it doesnt automatically give him the "step father" title. If I put myself in those shoes, im pretty sure my son would consider him as my partner. Or my son would call him whatever we are both comfortable with. And knowing me, I probably wouldnt ever be comfy with "step father"...whether or not he co-parents.

 

[thewishfire]

Ok side note...combining finances with someone you are not married to is a terrible, terrible idea. If they decide to drain the bank account you have zero recourse.

He can't access my account. But he does direct deposit a small portion of his paycheck into my savings account, and we decide together who pays what bills, what we'll use our money for, etc. Even if we were married I'd probably keep my own personal account.

Not that there's anything in there to take

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't understand why people seem determined to paint the boyfriend as the villian.

It seems to me that he's been pretty up front about his feelings all along. Based on what I've read, he hasn't made any pretenses about planning to get married to the OP.

He's not stringing her along. He's happy with the relationship as it is, with them living together unmarried.

I agree. I also agree that there is a pretty strong anti-male vibe on these boards; it crops up pretty regularly.

Just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all the great replies, I appreciate everyone's viewpoint We sat down and had a heart-to-heart, we were both very honest and open-minded. The conversation went great!! We both understood each others viewpoints and have come to a mutual understanding of how each other feels and what our hope/expectations are for future plans

Well that is good to hear Amazing what actually talking with hinting or beating around the bush can accomplish, isn't it?

I was in a similar situation to the OP. My boyfriend and I got together in 2009, and just over a year later he moved in with me and my daughter. I felt the same way for a long time - was this relationship going to proceed to marriage? I agonized silently over it, not wanting to box him in by mentioning it, but also really wanting the "permanent" feeling that a ring and a piece of paper provides. It's a silly thing, really, a ring and a piece of paper.

Eventually I just stopped torturing myself over it. Settled into the idea that we're together and our life is wonderful and that's all that matters. I stopped obsessing over what I didn't have and started focusing on what I did have.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him this past January. We got married earlier this month. I was so settled on the idea that we would never be married that I'm still in shock over it.

Congratulations

 

[FireDancer]

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.

I don't believe that has to be the case. The role of father and the role of male living in the house are not the same. I've date women with kids (admittedly I never lived with them) but at no time was I their father. I didn't make rules for them, I enforced their mother's rules if I was watching them. I didn't make life decisions for them like what schools they will go to, what religion they are exposed to, and things like that.

I'd say it was more of an uncle relationship than father relationship. I had pretty much the same type of interaction with them as I do with my niece and nephew.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Reading this thread, and just the thought about what kind of situation and role modeling this is for the children...

(Has anyone here been watching the Bachelorette, and the on bachelor who got sent home because of his issues regarding his mother and the men and her life.)

No way am I living with anyone without some kind of commitment...
Ever...
And, if I have a child involved.

I am NOT a prude.
And, I do know that there are different strokes for different folks.
This is not that kind of a judgment.
I just don't think that this type of thing is positive or healthy or self respecting.

 

[Aliceacc]

I don't believe that has to be the case. The role of father and the role of male living in the house are not the same. I've date women with kids (admittedly I never lived with them) but at no time was I their father. I didn't make rules for them, I enforced their mother's rules if I was watching them. I didn't make life decisions for them like what schools they will go to, what religion they are exposed to, and things like that.

I'd say it was more of an uncle relationship than father relationship. I had pretty much the same type of interaction with them as I do with my niece and nephew.

Right. Because you weren 't living with them.

But move into a home together, and you become some version of a family. You're not "babysitting", you're living day to day with a small child who needs direction from minute to minute. You're the one saying "You CAN'T do that" even if it's not a set rule, simply because you're the adult in the situation and you recognize an unsafe action. (So, no, you can't put that up your nose. No, you can't give the goldish a bubble bath. No, you can't learn to juggle with mom's wine glasses. ) Likewise, you're the one offering comfort after a rough day at school or on the playing field. You're the one administering medicine if the child comes down sick and mom isn't home, and you're the one convincing a child who hates medicine that he has to take it anyway. You can't always defer to mom, because sometimes in the time it takes to get another adult, the damage has already been done.

You're the one modeling how to treat a woman with respect. And how to dress for work. And what "being a man" is all about. And what being a family is all about.

You're building a relationship with that child because you're present in his life every morning and every night and through homework and sniffles and strikeouts. And to be honest, if you're living with his mom and NOT doing all those things, then she should run for the hills, because you're not acting in the best interests of her child.

That's why so many people on this thread have expressed dismay that the OP would move in with her boyfriend after only six months and without a committment. Totally aside from the whole marriage issue is the more important issue: putting her son into a position where he's bound to see this man as a father figure, only to have that father figure disappear if he chooses to find the exit. It's not just about the adults finding happiness, it's about that child who isn't in the positions to make any of the decisions, but is effected by each and every one made by the adults in his life.

We as parents are the best and strongest advocates our kids have. We HAVE to act in their best interests at all times. And, in the opinion of many here, the OP dropped the ball in this area.

 

[FireDancer]

Right. Because you weren 't living with them.

But move into a home together, and you become some version of a family. You're not "babysitting", you're living day to day with a small child who needs direction from minute to minute. You're the one saying "You CAN'T do that" even if it's not a set rule, simply because you're the adult in the situation and you recognize an unsafe action. (So, no, you can't put that up your nose. No, you can't give the goldish a bubble bath. No, you can't learn to juggle with mom's wine glasses. ) Likewise, you're the one offering comfort after a rough day at school or on the playing field. You're the one administering medicine if the child comes down sick and mom isn't home, and you're the one convincing a child who hates medicine that he has to take it anyway.

You're the one modeling how to treat a woman with respect. And how to dress for work. And what "being a man" is all about.

You're building a relationship with that child because you're present in his life every morning and every night and through homework and sniffles and strikeouts. And to be honest, if you're living with his mom and NOT doing all those things, then she should run for the hills, because you're not acting in the best interests of her child.

That's why so many people on this thread have expressed dismay that the OP would move in with her boyfriend after only six months. Totally aside from the whole marriage issue is the more important issue: putting her son into a position where he's bound to see this man as a father figure, only to have that father figure disappear if he chooses to find the exit.

We as parents are the best and strongest advocates our kids have. We HAVE to act in their best interests at all times. And, in the opinion of many here, the OP dropped the ball in this area.

All of that may make you a male role model but not a father. Had I moved in with the two women I dated with kids they would have still had fathers. I wasn't replacing them. I could love them, they could love me, I could do all of those things you described above but I'm not their father and don't want to be. I would much rather they still have a relationship with their real father.

Anyway, now we are getting off the actual topic of this thread so we can agree to disagree. Whether or not she should have moved in with the guy isn't the same as whether or not he is lying when he says he doesn't know if he wants to marry her. I definitely wouldn't have moved in with either of those women after 6 months or really even a year because there were kids involved.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Right. Because you weren 't living with them.

But move into a home together, and you become some version of a family. You're not "babysitting", you're living day to day with a small child who needs direction from minute to minute. You're the one saying "You CAN'T do that" even if it's not a set rule, simply because you're the adult in the situation and you recognize an unsafe action. (So, no, you can't put that up your nose. No, you can't give the goldish a bubble bath. No, you can't learn to juggle with mom's wine glasses. ) Likewise, you're the one offering comfort after a rough day at school or on the playing field. You're the one administering medicine if the child comes down sick and mom isn't home, and you're the one convincing a child who hates medicine that he has to take it anyway. You can't always defer to mom, because sometimes in the time it takes to get another adult, the damage has already been done.

You're the one modeling how to treat a woman with respect. And how to dress for work. And what "being a man" is all about. And what being a family is all about.

You're building a relationship with that child because you're present in his life every morning and every night and through homework and sniffles and strikeouts. And to be honest, if you're living with his mom and NOT doing all those things, then she should run for the hills, because you're not acting in the best interests of her child.

That's why so many people on this thread have expressed dismay that the OP would move in with her boyfriend after only six months and without a committment. Totally aside from the whole marriage issue is the more important issue: putting her son into a position where he's bound to see this man as a father figure, only to have that father figure disappear if he chooses to find the exit. It's not just about the adults finding happiness, it's about that child who isn't in the positions to make any of the decisions, but is effected by each and every one made by the adults in his life.

We as parents are the best and strongest advocates our kids have. We HAVE to act in their best interests at all times. And, in the opinion of many here, the OP dropped the ball in this area.

SO well said!

All of that may make you a male role model but not a father. Had I moved in with the two women I dated with kids they would have still had fathers. I wasn't replacing them. I could love them, they could love me, I could do all of those things you described above but I'm not their father and don't want to be. I would much rather they still have a relationship with their real father.

Anyway, now we are getting off the actual topic of this thread so we can agree to disagree. Whether or not she should have moved in with the guy isn't the same as whether or not he is lying when he says he doesn't know if he wants to marry her. I definitely wouldn't have moved in with either of those women after 6 months or really even a year because there were kids involved.

Father FIGURE. Most people have said father FIGURE--which is pretty much the same as male role model--except usually does include being present most days and actually in the home.

 

[dansamy]

SO well said!

Father FIGURE. Most people have said father FIGURE--which is pretty much the same as male role model--except usually does include being present most days and actually in the home.

Yup. That kid doesn't care what he calls the man. "John", "Uncle John", etc. The fact remains they are living under the same roof. Regardless of whether mom considers him to be a step-parent or not, he acts in loco parentis. And on a regular, daily basis.

 

[Aliceacc]

Right.. it's not about the title, it's about the relationship. That's why I, and so many others, have used the phrase "father figure" in our posts.

 

[wvjules]

SO well said!


Father FIGURE. Most people have said father FIGURE--which is pretty much the same as male role model--except usually does include being present most days and actually in the home.

Actually, the term stepfather was used, not father figure.

I never considered DBF as a stepfather because we are not married. Only once we are married will he be a stepfather. Until then he's just "my mom's boyfriend, John Doe".

 

[Aliceacc]

Actually, the term stepfather was used, not father figure.

I never considered DBF as a stepfather because we are not married. Only once we are married will he be a stepfather. Until then he's just "my mom's boyfriend, John Doe".

Not by me, it wasn't. And Fire Dancer was responding to my post:

... Totally aside from the whole marriage issue is the more important issue: putting her son into a position where he's bound to see this man as a father figure, only to have that father figure disappear if he chooses to find the exit. .

 

[mom2rtk]

Actually, the term stepfather was used, not father figure.

I never considered DBF as a stepfather because we are not married. Only once we are married will he be a stepfather. Until then he's just "my mom's boyfriend, John Doe".

I believe to a small child, if the boyfriend is living in the home, that is just semantics.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Actually, the term stepfather was used, not father figure.

I never considered DBF as a stepfather because we are not married. Only once we are married will he be a stepfather. Until then he's just "my mom's boyfriend, John Doe".

Both terms have been used in the thread.

 

[wvjules]

Not by me, it wasn't. And Fire Dancer was responding to my post:

The person I was responding to in the post of mine that you quoted did use the term stepfather.

These are big issues that should be discussed before moving in together.

Especially because there is a child involved and now this man is a stepfather in the child's life.

1. Living together IS a commitment
2. Living together is NOT playing house
3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.

I am curious what you consider him to be then.
He doesn't partake in any parenting whatsoever?

All I'm saying is that the boyfriend is not a STEPFATHER as the term used by kikimouse. A parental figure? Possibly. But STEP implies to me that there is a marriage. Semantics, yes but I was responding to the wording she used. OP's BF is not a stepfather.

 

[dansamy]

Semantics don't matter to a 5 year old. Just saying...