Engagement issues already....

[Magpie]

My DH does the same thing. He always asks who I'm talking to. My answer . Someone on the DIS.

This has happened more than once in our home...

(Source: https://xkcd.com/386/)

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This has happened more than once in our home...

(Source: https://xkcd.com/386/)

OMG that is too perfect

 

[Disney Doll]

I didn't get the idea that the bridal couple did not consider the MOGs feelings. I got the idea that they did and determined that they couldn't honor her wishes.

I think weddings have gotten out of hand in our me, me, me society. Why does the groom's sister have to have a "year"?

And what is the big tadoo about planning a wedding? I had 200 people at my wedding and I think if I added up all the days it was probably about 30 days out of the entire year we were engaged that was spent on wedding stuff. Venue, music, dresses, photos, video, flowers, invites, favors, seating plan, rehearsal dinner, shower, apartment hunting. It's not like it's a full time job. People are talking like they spend all day every day for a year doing nothing but wedding planning.

Maybe I was a crazy relaxed bride or something, but I never felt like anything was"hectic". I had a binder and a list and things got checked off.

Now from the perspective of the MOGs ability to provide financial support, there's where the bridal couple may have to say "yes we knew going in that finances would be tight so we didn't expect much help" and they can't be cranky about it.

And guests, because some guests might not be able to attend 2 weddings fairly close together. Again, that's a known fact up front so no cranking about it.

 

[Tasha228]

I was never one of those little girls that stayed home imagining my wedding day. And the idea of planning a wedding was never exciting to me. A nice intimate wedding is what I wanted. Thankfully, I married a man that was just fine with that. We were married in a lovely chapel in Gatlinburg with just us, the minister, and a photographer. It was gorgeous and amazing. We then stayed at a wonderful bed and breakfast. There is literally not a single thing I would do differently. After reading this thread, it reaffirms to me that we made a wise decision! I will be sure to thank dh tonight for going against the norm to give me the wedding of MY dreams!

 

[cabanafrau]

I was never one of those little girls that stayed home imagining my wedding day. And the idea of planning a wedding was never exciting to me. A nice intimate wedding is what I wanted. Thankfully, I married a man that was just fine with that. We were married in a lovely chapel in Gatlinburg with just us, the minister, and a photographer. It was gorgeous and amazing. We then stayed at a wonderful bed and breakfast. There is literally not a single thing I would do differently. After reading this thread, it reaffirms to me that we made a wise decision! I will be sure to thank dh tonight for going against the norm to give me the wedding of MY dreams!

Almost described me exactly. Change Gatlinburg to Mackinac Island with only our immediate families and you nailed my wedding planning.

 

[wonderlandwego]

That poor MIL. That is a lot to deal with in such a short period. I don't know why your DD and her Fi, and you, think it is out of line for her to want it moved a little further away from the already planned wedding. There is so much involved in weddings, as a MOB and MOG, plus throw in showers, out of town guests, or any quests for that matter. It is a lot in 2 months. As a mother, I'm surprised you don't see the MIL's side of things.

Why are your DD and Dfi stuck on Nov 2017? Is there a reason they can't/won't compromise?

And like a PP, I think the real issue is money and stress on her (I'm almost positive you're gonna come back and say that money is not an issue). Since that didn't help sway her son and your DD she is throwing everything at the wall hoping something will stick so the wedding will be moved.

ETA: If I was the future SIL I would be quite taken aback as well. It's not her "year" but her wedding was planned first. Why would your DD want to have one so close to hers? Seems selfish on your DD's part, IMO.

That's what I keep thinking. Not to sound like a Bridezilla, but if one of my siblings would have suddenly announced that they were engaged and now chose a date 2 months BEFORE my wedding I would be a little upset. I want my mother to enjoy that time with me, not now be stressed because my brother decided to throw another wedding into a 2 college graduation and daughter wedding year. I think it's also safe to say that most families and wedding guests do not all live in the same city, state, and maybe not the same region. As others have said, this could now put a "pick one" situation for guests.

As a mother it would absolutely break my heart if my son decided to do this, and I would most likely ask him to postpone it after his sister's as well. I know that ultimately it would be his decision, but to go place a deposit planning to "tell me later" that he was going ahead with a date (that seemingly looks like it isn't a necessity to choose that specific month), I don't know...it would hurt. I would grin and bear it, but that wouldn't change the hurt. I can't imagine putting your mother in that position. If they can wait 15 months, then why not wait a little longer to make everyone happy? I wanted people to enjoy my wedding, it wasn't just for "me". The graduation thing is odd too, unless his parents are extremely wealthy, for most people, even upper middle class people, that would be a lot in one year for a set of parents.

 

[wonderlandwego]

For your mom. I think this is an example why when folks are either in support of MIL or in support of MOB or can see both sides is because we all have our own experiences, our own cultures and our ow family traditions in regards to these celebrations.

I have no idea what the entire story is in this thread. We have one version filtered through the MOB. I do not doubt her, but I also do not see why dome here have been so vitriolic about the MOG. Just with what MOB has shared, I as MOG, with a wedding two months prior or later, would not be okay. That does not make me wrong, and it does not mean that I would make it difficult for my DS, but I know my family, I know my means, and I understand what commitments my side of the family would feel were necessary in regards to a loved member of the family. I also know how long I would need for showers for two children, shopping, etc. 8 days is not enough for me. How much time MOG needs? I don't know. I figure she has her reasons, and I also figure MOB is having none of it. I bet a buck that as time goes on, there will be more issues between the two.

Not every mother of the bride or groom just shows up at the weekend events and calls it a day. Some are actually involved in the day to day planning. Picking out a dress, which isn't like on TV where you go to one store and magically find the perfect dress. Then there are the fittings and picking out bridesmaids dresses, then flowers, cake tastings, your own dress, picking it out and fitting if needed. Coming up with a guest list, finding addresses. Helping with the seating arrangement, wouldn't want to put aunt marry with uncle bob because the hate eachother.......I'm not going to list everything involved but it can take way more than 3-4 weekends or 8-10 days of your time during that year.

You are so fixated on how much time you think people DO spend on weddings, but you aren't realizing that people actually can be and are way more involved in their child's wedding than just a couple of weekends. Since the future MIL has sid her time will be an issue, maybe you should take her word on that.

Exactly. My mother and I did not live in the same state during my wedding planning, but she came to visit 4 different times over the course of 18 months, and I of course went home to visit my family too, and all we did was wedding talks during those visits. She also came to my 4 night bachelorette trip. I understand that the OP said they are local, but still, Showers? I think my mother was invited to 3 of mine, dress shopping, color scheming, floral arrangements, bridal party gifts, guest gifts, invitation ideas, reception ideas, wedding ceremony venue ideas, and all of the things that you ladies mentioned. It was definitely a lot more than 8-10 days. My sister was also a great asset to me. She visited with my mother a few times, co planned my bachelorette trip, long distance with my best friend. A wedding usually (I think?) involves more than just the bride and groom, even in the planning stages.

Took me a awhile to get through this thread, just read these comments now.

 

[mummabear]

If that were me I would hope that by the time I got invite from #1 I would be well aware #2 was coming and when so that I could plan for both accordingly. I wouldn't want to wind up short shrifting one unintentionally because I was caught unaware, and I would not want to cause any hurt feelings that one side of the family was more important than the other.

But not in this case? seems some in this thread are keen to see the groom being taught a lesson for not moving his date.

You are so fixated on how much time you think people DO spend on weddings, but you aren't realizing that people actually can be and are way more involved in their child's wedding than just a couple of weekends. Since the future MIL has sid her time will be an issue, maybe you should take her word on that.

Because money and time are what people are claiming is the issue, that the MIL can't possibly have the time to be part of planning both weddings.
And that just isn't true, she has time in the next 14 months to also be part of planning her sons wedding without compromising planning her daughters.

And what is the big tadoo about planning a wedding? I had 200 people at my wedding and I think if I added up all the days it was probably about 30 days out of the entire year we were engaged that was spent on wedding stuff. Venue, music, dresses, photos, video, flowers, invites, favors, seating plan, rehearsal dinner, shower, apartment hunting. It's not like it's a full time job. People are talking like they spend all day every day for a year doing nothing but wedding planning.

This is my point, it's not as much work as some people are making out.
My mother and MIL were very involved in planning our wedding.
We had one day looking at venues, a day at a wedding show where we booked the cars and photographer, an hour or so at a florist, shopping for her own dress, an afternoon getting the bridesmaids dresses, add several phone calls or coffees showing them other things (invites etc), a couple of days dress shopping (not mil) then the shower, rehearsal, wedding and brunch the next day. Voila done.

I really question if roles were reversed and the groom wedding was booked first and the sister decided to have hers two months before or after would this Mother be saying "it's your brothers year, I really want to focus 100% on his wedding, and if you don't move your date I won't really help you" can't see her giving that ultimatum to a daughter

 

[Hikergirl]

Because money and time are what people are claiming is the issue, that the MIL can't possibly have the time to be part of planning both weddings.
And that just isn't true, she has time in the next 14 months to also be part of planning her sons wedding without compromising planning her daughters.

Who are you to say she has time? I don't know why you think you know so much about this woman's schedule. I think I'll take her word about how much time she has. Afterall she knows herself, whereas you don't know her at all.
Its really kind of strange that you are so insistent that she has enough time. Not every one does just because you say so.

 

[mummabear]

Who are you to say she has time? I don't know why you think you know so much about this woman's schedule. I think I'll take her word about how much time she has. Afterall she knows herself, whereas you don't know her at all.
Its really kind of strange that you are so insistent that she has enough time. Not every one does just because you say so.

How do I know she has time, because there is at least 365 days until her daughters wedding and more until her sons, I don't know if a single person who has spent 365 total days planning their wedding do you? Why do you find it so hard to believe that she can't find an hour to visit a damn florist with her son?

 

[roseaster]

But not in this case? seems some in this thread are keen to see the groom being taught a lesson for not moving his date.



Because money and time are what people are claiming is the issue, that the MIL can't possibly have the time to be part of planning both weddings.
And that just isn't true, she has time in the next 14 months to also be part of planning her sons wedding without compromising planning her daughters.



This is my point, it's not as much work as some people are making out.
My mother and MIL were very involved in planning our wedding.
We had one day looking at venues, a day at a wedding show where we booked the cars and photographer, an hour or so at a florist, shopping for her own dress, an afternoon getting the bridesmaids dresses, add several phone calls or coffees showing them other things (invites etc), a couple of days dress shopping (not mil) then the shower, rehearsal, wedding and brunch the next day. Voila done.

I really question if rolls were reversed and the groom wedding was booked first and the sister decided to have hers two months before or after would this Mother be saying "it's your brothers year, I really want to focus 100% on his wedding, and if you don't move your date I won't really help you" can't see her giving that ultimatum to a daughter

I guess I'm not sure how you know so much about this woman's time and finances and exactly what type of wedding and what planning is going into her daughter's wedding.

She says that she doesn't have the money, I am assuming since it is her money she knows what she has and doesn't have. I am also sure she knows what kind of free time she has.

Just because you, or your parents, have the free tine and extra money for whatever weddings you have planned doesn't, necessarily, mean that everyone does.

Other people have to work full time or on weekends, or have bills that take up a lot of their budget.

If this woman, though 3rd hand, says she doesn't have the time and/or money, I think she should be taken at her word. Voicing these concerns doesn't make her "difficult" she is being honest.

 

[mummabear]

I guess I'm not sure how you know so much about this woman's time and finances and exactly what type of wedding and what planning is going into her daughter's wedding.

She says that she doesn't have the money, I am assuming since it is her money she knows what she has and doesn't have. I am also sure she knows what kind of free time she has.

Just because you, or your parents, have the free tine and extra money for whatever weddings you have planned doesn't, necessarily, mean that everyone does.

Other people have to work full time or on weekends, or have bills that take up a lot of their budget.

If this woman, though 3rd hand, says she doesn't have the time and/or money, I think she should be taken at her word. Voicing these concerns doesn't make her "difficult" she is being honest.

I have never said she is difficult, I have said she is being unfair
When you have more than one child you never get to focus 100% on one child, particularly for a year.
And if that is what she chooses to do she should be surprised if her relationship with her son is damaged.
I personally don't think it's acceptable to tell one of your kids that you do t have any time for them because you want to use it all for their sister.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have never said she is difficult, I have said she is being unfair
When you have more than one child you never get to focus 100% on one child, particularly for a year.
And if that is what she chooses to do she should be surprised if her relationship with her son is damaged.
I personally don't think it's acceptable to tell one of your kids that you do t have any time for them because you want to use it all for their sister.

She didn't say she didn't have any time for her son.

 

[Hikergirl]

How do I know she has time, because there is at least 365 days until her daughters wedding and more until her sons, I don't know if a single person who has spent 365 total days planning their wedding do you? Why do you find it so hard to believe that she can't find an hour to visit a damn florist with her son?

Funny I never claimed she couldn't find an hour, all I claimed is that is possible that she doesn't have the time in her life to be involved in the planning of her son's wedding. I'm going by what she herself said. And since I am not privy to her daily schedule I'll take her word for it.
You are assuming something about her and fail to see it any other way. You are so very sure of what she can and can't do. There is a difference there

 

[mummabear]

Funny I never claimed she couldn't find an hour, all I claimed is that is possible that she doesn't have the time in her life to be involved in the planning of her son's wedding. I'm going by what she herself said. And since I am not privy to her daily schedule I'll take her word for it.
You are assuming something about her and fail to see it any other way. You are so very sure of what she can and can't do. There is a difference there

How can you have it both ways? She has stated she doesn't have time to be involved in the planning, you have agreed that she could find time which is my point, which is it?

She does have time if she chooses to, does that possibly involve missing out on one part of her daughters planning say spending an afternoon at the florist with the son instead of cake testing with her daughter? Unlikely it would need to but if it did, if my mother in over a year wouldn't pick one afternoon with me because she wanted to spend over a year only sorting out my sisters wedding that would tell me a lot about what kind of parent my mother is, and where I sat in her priorities.

And again I ask, if roles were reversed would she refuse to carve out time to plan her daughters if her son had set a date first?

 

[mummabear]

She didn't say she didn't have any time for her son.

If she has time for him, why is it any drama to help organise his wedding?

 

[mom2rtk]

If she has time for him, why is it any drama to help organise his wedding?

You don't see the difference between "not having any time" and not having enough time to plan a wedding?

 

[wonderlandwego]

If she has time for him, why is it any drama to help organise his wedding?

She also has two graduations. I'm still not all the way through the thread, but I'm surprised that so many people think this is not odd. If you know there is a wedding next year, sister of the groom no less, and you just got engaged, why schedule the wedding within 2 months? I read the part about sister of the bride's school, but wow, school is considered but the sister of the groom's wedding is not? The mother of the groom is less important? I would think all parties should be equally important.
I also hope that my daughter and son will each marry people who care about my time and concerns, with the same respect as their own immediate family.

 

[mummabear]

You don't see the difference between "not having any time" and not having enough time to plan a wedding?

She is not planning a wedding, she is assisting with planning the weddings, big difference. How much time do you think is enough time for her to assist with a wedding?

She also has two graduations. I'm still not all the way through the thread, but I'm surprised that so many people think this is not odd. If you know there is a wedding next year, sister of the groom no less, and you just got engaged, why schedule the wedding within 2 months? I read the part about sister of the bride's school, but wow, school is considered but the sister of the groom's wedding is not? The mother of the groom is less important? I would think all parties should be equally important.
I also hope that my daughter and son will each marry people who care about my time and concerns, with the same respect as their own immediate family.

They did take the groom sister into account, they spoke to her and she said she was fine with it, if she wasnt then she should have spoken up when given the chance.
They have taken the concerns into account but there is a) a big difference between her sister not being able to make it at all and the mother being "too busy" to help but able to attend, would you have them move the wedding and have her sister miss out? and b) their wishes to be able to start their lives together given that they can't live together beforehand.

Several posters have commented that the MIL asking to wait until 2018 means a wait of only 2 months, but point out that the wedding being 2 months after her sisters wedding means that planning will overlap with the sisters and that the MIL can't afford it. Do you really think that by moving the wedding only 2 months unto Jan 2018 would fix these things? Planning would still overlap, the groom can't plan his wedding in 4 months given the bride has over a year so moving the wedding doesnt fix this problem. And as far as financial contribution from the MIL, She has over a year until the sisters wedding, I doubt she is saying that she could mach the contribution with 4 months to save-really only an extra 2 than she already has. I think it much more likely she was requesting a longer postponement than 2 months.
Would you have put off your wedding by a year just to get some money from your parents? I personally would have rather gone without that money.

 

[wvjules]

You seem very upset about this.