Engagement issues already....

[Magpie]

I agree- I HATE weddings, I hope my daughter elopes!

I agree, too! I think weddings are an expensive hassle and not worth the headache.

I got married at the courthouse without telling anyone except my mum and my husband's brother (and his parents, but they lived ten hours away so weren't going to come anyway). Twenty-one years later, still married, and I'm extremely happy with my decision. There were only a couple small issues - first, we told my mum she could bring one guest... so she brought two! And secondly, some of our friends were really annoyed that we didn't tell them we were planning to do this. They forgave us soon enough.

Also, we picked St. Patrick's Day as our date, so I wouldn't forget it (because I'm really bad with dates).

We used the money we would have spent on a wedding on a nice honeymoon visiting friends down in the States.

With regards to the original post: I've only skimmed the thread, but I noticed that the OP said the young man and his fiancee believe in not having sex out of wedlock. And so I assume they won't be living together until they're married. With that in mind, it seems especially unkind to make them wait a whole extra year beyond their planned wedding date. That's a long time to be celibate! It also means their lives together are going to be on hold for that length of time.

I realize there may be cultural and religious factors at play here, but if they were mine, I'd counsel them to just start living together as if they're married and have the wedding later, when everyone's ready for it. After all, that's what I did. That's what my inlaws did. That's what my husband's grandparents did. It seems to work pretty well, all things considered. (And if living together doesn't work out, at least you don't have to worry about getting divorced.)

 

[mummabear]

We live across the country from family. We would be unable to attend two weddings so close together. We would attend the wedding that was planned first, and have to decline the second invite altogether. It's not ridiculous, it is reality.

So you wouldn't send a gift to the second? Or you would but it would be less than the first? If so why?
Would you expect all the family on the grooms side to choose the first wedding? Or would some of you choose the second so that the family was represented at both weddings?
What if the second wedding suited your own calander better?

Depending on when in September and November each couple gets married, it could be as little as 5 weeks between weddings. If the OP's daughter would like to have the typical wedding activities like a bridal shower or bachelorette party she may run into a scheduling issue where she's having an event within a couple weeks of the first wedding. Let's say the SIL has a shower in August, wedding in September, there's a different bridal shower in October and another wedding in November. 4 straight months of wedding activities, which is a lot for someone who is expected to be involved in both weddings.

First of all the wedding could also be 3 months apart rather than 2, we don't know the dates.
Secondly it's not 4 straight months of wedding activities, it's 4 weekends across 4 months quite different.

 

[okeydokey]

So you wouldn't send a gift to the second? Or you would but it would be less than the first? If so why?
Would you expect all the family on the grooms side to choose the first wedding? Or would some of you choose the second so that the family was represented at both weddings?
What if the second wedding suited your own calander better?



First of all the wedding could also be 3 months apart rather than 2, we don't know the dates.
Secondly it's not 4 straight months of wedding activities, it's 4 weekends across 4 months quite different.

I would send a gift to both, the same amount. I guess if they got the cash they wouldn't care if I were there or not, right? You seem fixated on the money part of this discussion.

I have no expectations for any other family member, their involvement would be up to them of course. I am only stating what would happen with regard to my travel.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I would send a gift to both, the same amount. I guess if they got the cash they wouldn't care if I were there or not, right? You seem fixated on the money part of this discussion.

I have no expectations for any other family member, their involvement would be up to them of course. I am only stating what would happen with regard to my travel.

What if you had 2 weddings in a narrow timeframe, but the two are completely unconnected? Say a niece on your side of the family & another niece on your husband's. Assuming comparable travel for both, would you still prioritize the first one to send the invitation?

 

[Trixie Belden]

If you're the mother of the bride or groom, it's not just a weekend commitment.

 

[mummabear]

I would send a gift to both, the same amount. I guess if they got the cash they wouldn't care if I were there or not, right? You seem fixated on the money part of this discussion.

I have no expectations for any other family member, their involvement would be up to them of course. I am only stating what would happen with regard to my travel.

No I'm not fixated on the money, I am fixated on the notion that you and some other posters have been pushing that the groom should expect squat from is family (time/effort/money as one poster put it).
The entire family has ample warning, yes if some of them (although the OP has said they are local) may not be able to come to both, but other than that they can certainly treat them equally. If you only have time for one shower and one wedding maybe make them from opposite couples, no matter who much or little you can afford for the gift the idea that the family buys the brides first then whatever they can with what's left for the groom is what I find ludicrous.
Same goes for anything not already committed to the sister by the parents.

If you're the mother of the bride or groom, it's not just a weekend commitment.

No it's maybe 8-10 days per wedding tops accords over a year with say 3-4 of them within 2-4 weeks at the end

 

[Nancyg56]

No it's maybe 8-10 days per wedding tops accords over a year with say 3-4 of them within 2-4 weeks at the end

My time management skills must have been horrendous because I spent a tad more time than that on each child's wedding.

As hard as it is to understand, we all look at this issue with our own family traditions in mind. What seems to be a simple solution to one is not that easily solved by another. If I had two weddings in two months time your management plan would not work for me. I would have no choice but to find an answer but unless I made profound compromises in how we celebrated weddings, I would be very stressed, both financially and emotionally.

When my DS and DDIL married I had no hand in choosing the date, but I knew that they planned around her sisiter's date. They left 6 months in between both weddings. Her parents lived closer to older sister and that sister was given much more than my DDIL. The reasoning was that DDIL planned her wedding after the first was in place. I kept out of all the discussion, date setting etc, but I wish that had the time frames been too close, DDIL's parents would have been more vocal. DDIL knew what had been showered on her older sister vs what she recieved, and although she never shared her feelings with me, DS told me that she was hurt.

It is easy to say that MIL is out of line when she voices concerns, but for her, these concerns are valid. If the couple follows through with their plans as they stand it is their prerogative, but to minimize the ramifications of the decision may not be kind. My DS and DDIL Learned more about her parents finances than they ever should have needed to hear about as they planned their day.

 

[mom2rtk]

Has anyone said if the mother of the groom works full time? I can't even imagine trying to plan 2 weddings while working full time.

 

[cabanafrau]

What if you had 2 weddings in a narrow timeframe, but the two are completely unconnected? Say a niece on your side of the family & another niece on your husband's. Assuming comparable travel for both, would you still prioritize the first one to send the invitation?

If that were me I would hope that by the time I got invite from #1 I would be well aware #2 was coming and when so that I could plan for both accordingly. I wouldn't want to wind up short shrifting one unintentionally because I was caught unaware, and I would not want to cause any hurt feelings that one side of the family was more important than the other.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

If that were me I would hope that by the time I got invite from #1 I would be well aware #2 was coming and when so that I could plan for both accordingly. I wouldn't want to wind up short shrifting one unintentionally because I was caught unaware, and I would not want to cause any hurt feelings that one side of the family was more important than the other.

If attending both were out of the question, would you choose to skip both out of fairness?

 

[Hikergirl]

No it's maybe 8-10 days per wedding tops accords over a year with say 3-4 of them within 2-4 weeks at the end

Not every mother of the bride or groom just shows up at the weekend events and calls it a day. Some are actually involved in the day to day planning. Picking out a dress, which isn't like on TV where you go to one store and magically find the perfect dress. Then there are the fittings and picking out bridesmaids dresses, then flowers, cake tastings, your own dress, picking it out and fitting if needed. Coming up with a guest list, finding addresses. Helping with the seating arrangement, wouldn't want to put aunt marry with uncle bob because the hate eachother.......I'm not going to list everything involved but it can take way more than 3-4 weekends or 8-10 days of your time during that year.

You are so fixated on how much time you think people DO spend on weddings, but you aren't realizing that people actually can be and are way more involved in their child's wedding than just a couple of weekends. Since the future MIL has sid her time will be an issue, maybe you should take her word on that.

 

[cabanafrau]

If attending both were out of the question, would you choose to skip both out of fairness?

I'd try to avoid that option if at all possible, only using it if doing it that way would avoid certain hard feelings. If I had to I would decide which one I could attend and make absolutely my very best attempts to explain the issue to the other couple, and their parents if necessary. I would make sure to still do a nice gift and let them know as best I could how much I wish them nothing but happiness.

I had to do that (twice) with a good friend who is bothered and hurt if everyone cannot accept an invitation she makes and also will nearly kill herself accepting every invitation for anything that comes her way. She scheduled two out of three kids grad parties on the Saturday of dance recital weekend, and knew it before she set her date. On the Saturday there are two shows with two hours in between, no time to be back and forth between the auditorium and her home even if I had anything left in my tank physically to push myself that much harder that weekend. It was genuinely challenging to put one foot in front of the other when I got home and got out of the car on those Saturday nights, it was that exhausting. It's five years after one kid and 12 years after his sister graduating and my friend is still sad I wasn't there for both parties -- she mentioned it just this past month at my youngest DD''s grad party. I gave nice gifts. I was bummed I couldn't be there for the kids and they knew it and knew why I wasn't there. It's my friend's quirk, I nod and smile and know there was not a single thing I could do about it. I'd hate for stuff like that to ruin a good relationship.

 

[cabanafrau]

Not every mother of the bride or groom just shows up at the weekend events and calls it a day. Some are actually involved in the day to day planning. Picking out a dress, which isn't like on TV where you go to one store and magically find the perfect dress. Then there are the fittings and picking out bridesmaids dresses, then flowers, cake tastings, your own dress, picking it out and fitting if needed. Coming up with a guest list, finding addresses. Helping with the seating arrangement, wouldn't want to put aunt marry with uncle bob because the hate eachother.......I'm not going to list everything involved but it can take way more than 3-4 weekends of your time during that year.

You are so fixated on how much time you think people DO spend on weddings, but you aren't realizing that people actually can be and are way more involved in their child's wedding than just a couple of weekends. Since the future MIL has sid her time will be an issue, maybe you should take her word on that.

And they can actually be involved extensively without being controlling, simply a smiling, excited, supportive presence sharing the happiness of the process as well, a welcome presence to share the experience with their child.

 

[kamik86]

If you're the mother of the bride or groom, it's not just a weekend commitment.

I'm not sure I agree with this. My mother was both the motherof the bride AND the officiant at my wedding.

What she was involvedin what:
3 Days of dress shoppingwith me (2 for me, 1 for the bridesmaids since she came along)
2 days of dress shopping for her (she also tried things on during bridesmaid day but won't double count
Filling out the forms and paperwork (with my help) to get the one day one couple licence to marry us. (only a few hours)
Reading through and practicing thevows I sent her a few times. (an houror so for a few nights the few weeks before the wedding)
The day of the jackand jill shower (just attended as guest)
Probably a fewhours picking with my dad what itemfrom my registry to buy me (She bought our new plate sets because she knew ours sucked)
The day of the rehersal dinner (she paid but I planned from her budget)
The day of the wedding

So that is 8 dayes of major events and 5 or 6 of spending anhour or two. This was over like 5 months though because we started dress shopping early.

The only one that was REALLY busy was the weekend of the wedding itself.

Forgot one more... 1 day of finding her address book and helping me figure out where everyone lived now so I had all the right addresses for people.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm not sure I agree with this. My mother was both the motherof the bride AND the officiant at my wedding.



So that is 8 dayes of major events and 5 or 6 of spending anhour or two. This was over like 5 months though because we started dress shopping early.

The only one that was REALLY busy was the weekend of the wedding itself.

For your mom. I think this is an example why when folks are either in support of MIL or in support of MOB or can see both sides is because we all have our own experiences, our own cultures and our ow family traditions in regards to these celebrations.

I have no idea what the entire story is in this thread. We have one version filtered through the MOB. I do not doubt her, but I also do not see why dome here have been so vitriolic about the MOG. Just with what MOB has shared, I as MOG, with a wedding two months prior or later, would not be okay. That does not make me wrong, and it does not mean that I would make it difficult for my DS, but I know my family, I know my means, and I understand what commitments my side of the family would feel were necessary in regards to a loved member of the family. I also know how long I would need for showers for two children, shopping, etc. 8 days is not enough for me. How much time MOG needs? I don't know. I figure she has her reasons, and I also figure MOB is having none of it. I bet a buck that as time goes on, there will be more issues between the two.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

There is absolutely no offense meant by this so please don't take it that way but it makes so much more sense in why you feel the way you do. At least IMO in this situation the way the date was chosen has come across to you as the "all about me" decision and now it makes a lot more sense to me.

I feel the same way in that I don't like the "all about me" viewpoint...unfortunatly one of my sister-in-laws acts like it and her mother (my mother-in-law) further reenforces it.

The difference between our viewpoints in part seems to be the "all about me" impression from the description provided by the OP. I'm not meaning to get into another debate really because we've already gone over our opinions it's just an observation. Again no offense meant.

No worries. You aren't being offensive at all. For me to be offended, we would have to be discussing my DS's or my wedding. Since I don't ever plan to get married again & he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish before considering marriage, I think you're safe.

To me, saying it's my day & I'm going to do whatever I want, regardless of how it effects others is the definite of "it's all about me." I'm just not one who feels a wedding gives a bride & groom a free pass to disregard others feelings, especially close family members. I think the wedding is about the marriage & starting a marriage by offending family members isn't the smartest thing to do. Those actions often have lifelong consequences.

From what we've been told, it appears this wedding is very one sided in favor of the bride's family. They appear to be ignoring valid arguments by the groom's mom & dates set by his sister, before they were even engaged, so the bride's sister will be available for all potential opportunities that haven't even occurred yet & may not. IMO, that's not right & is a shame.

If your definition of "all about me" is different from mine &/or you have a different philosophy about weddings, that's fine. We can agree to disagree. No big deal.

I was thinking about this whole thread a little while ago. Here we are still discussing a wedding of total strangers, when it's now obvious the OP didn't really want input, other than for people to agree with her. Apparently, she doesn't plan to return. We all obviously have way too much time on our hands. Gotta love the DIS CB.

 

[okeydokey]

What if you had 2 weddings in a narrow timeframe, but the two are completely unconnected? Say a niece on your side of the family & another niece on your husband's. Assuming comparable travel for both, would you still prioritize the first one to send the invitation?

If we received an invitation for one wedding and made plans to be there and then another was planned later but was too close in time that we could only go to one, we would go to the one we said we were going to first. Doesn't matter how they are related, we only have so much time and money for travel. I would honor the first commitment I made. I don't think that is unusual.

 

[okeydokey]

If attending both were out of the question, would you choose to skip both out of fairness?

No I wouldn't. I would send a gift to both couples, but I would not miss both events. If I had already planned to attend the first event, I would attend the first event and send my regrets to the second.

My mother almost this happen with two graduations across the country from each other. She was planning on staying home from both if they happened to be the same weekend. I told her that I thought that was silly, she should certainly attend one if she could and if it was for the other grandchild, we would be fine with that. She was actually thinking of flipping a coin. Thankfully the events were not on the same weekend, but there was no reason for her to stay home from both events. We are not petty and score keepers in our family. Everyone does what they can and we don't harbor bad feelings about it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

No worries. You aren't being offensive at all. For me to be offended, we would have to be discussing my DS's or my wedding. Since I don't ever plan to get married again & he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish before considering marriage, I think you're safe.

I was thinking about this whole thread a little while ago. Here we are still discussing a wedding of total strangers, when it's now obvious the OP didn't really want input, other than for people to agree with her. Apparently, she doesn't plan to return. We all obviously have way too much time on our hands. Gotta love the DIS CB.

We agree on some things we don't agree on others that is for sure. I will say my husband gives me this look when he sees me typing up a storm, which admittedly I've done that a bunch on this thread when he's been around, and just shakes his head.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We agree on some things we don't agree on others that is for sure. I will say my husband gives me this look when he sees me typing up a storm, which admittedly I've done that a bunch on this thread when he's been around, and just shakes his head.

My DH does the same thing. He always asks who I'm talking to. My answer . Someone on the DIS.