Engagement issues already....

[rcpae]

My daughter and her boyfriend got engaged a few weeks ago. We love him and are very happy to welcome him to our family. His mom (parents divorced) was happy for them. Dad was also happy. Since the engagement they have been tossing around when to get married. They've settled on Nov of 2017. Both will be 23 at the time and close to 24. My DD graduates from college the May prior to the wedding. Her fiancé will graduate about a month after the wedding. Both are currently employed full time in their respective fields and will receive nice pay raises with their degrees.

If you are still reading this, thank you!

His mom was happy with the engagement, but very unhappy when she heard about the date. Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year). Fiancées sister said she has no issues whatsoever with their plans and was happy for them. Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

They avoid speaking about the wedding around her at all. Fiancé says she can just be difficult, and she's always been that way, but he handles her. Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue. She hasn't been told yet.

Did you ever have a family member that made your wedding difficult? I understand wanting everything perfect for your kids before they get married, but at what point do you put your opinions aside, smile and take part.

They are firm on their desire to stick with their date. They both have personal convictions that won't allow them to live together until married, so that is not an option.

This is frustrating because she is taking some of the joy out of planning this wedding.

 

[JaxDad]

My daughter and her boyfriend got engaged a few weeks ago. We love him and are very happy to welcome him to our family. His mom (parents divorced) was happy for them. Dad was also happy. Since the engagement they have been tossing around when to get married. They've settled on Nov of 2017. Both will be 23 at the time and close to 24. My DD graduates from college the May prior to the wedding. Her fiancé will graduate about a month after the wedding. Both are currently employed full time in their respective fields and will receive nice pay raises with their degrees.

If you are still reading this, thank you!

His mom was happy with the engagement, but very unhappy when she heard about the date. Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year). Fiancées sister said she has no issues whatsoever with their plans and was happy for them. Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

They avoid speaking about the wedding around her at all. Fiancé says she can just be difficult, and she's always been that way, but he handles her. Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue. She hasn't been told yet.

Did you ever have a family member that made your wedding difficult? I understand wanting everything perfect for your kids before they get married, but at what point do you put your opinions aside, smile and take part.

They are firm on their desire to stick with their date. They both have personal convictions that won't allow them to live together until married, so that is not an option.

This is frustrating because she is taking some of the joy out of planning this wedding.

Maybe she's just a little overwhelmed thinking of two such big emotional and financial events for her children being just two months apart...

 

[mi*vida*loca]

We have a few weddings coming up in the family and everyone has been mindful of not booking their wedding too close to another wedding. For them two months would be way too close. They are all about 6 months apart with the destination wedding being a full year away from his brother's local wedding. This isn't because anyone is complaining but this is just to make it easier on their parents and family.

My kids are far from being married (16 and 10) but I think I would be annoyed if they planned their weddings two months apart.

 

[diznygirl]

In my case it was also the groom's mother. There were lots of issues. We did the smiling and getting along, but went merrily on our way with the planning. That's what I'd recommend your daughter do - keep smiling and keep planning things the way they want.

 

[cmarsh31]

My MIL basically told my SIL that she couldn't get married for at least a year after DH & I did. Two months apart for your children is really very close and overwhelming. We had a crazy year last year when my brother and one of DH's best friends were married in the same month - plus I spent a small fortune on tux rentals and dresses (DH & DS were in both weddings, DD & I were in my brothers but both needed new dresses for the other wedding as well).

I totally understand wanting to make the choice that's right for them and not letting someone else dictate such a major life event for them. However, I can also see mom's side of it - I'm sure she wants to be involved and give equal attention to both of her kids, which will be virtually impossible with them 2 months apart. I supposed if it's more traditional, where the bride's family pays for, plans, etc everything, then she wouldn't have much of a commitment for her DS's wedding than her DD's...

 

[Bluestars]

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement! Don't let anyone else suck the fun out of your daughter's wedding. The mother of the bride and her daughter are probably more involved in the wedding planning than the MIL, so a MIL's reluctance may not spoil things too much. My son is engaged. His finance and her mother are pretty much planning everything (and doing an awesome job). I give input when asked, but then I stay out of it. I gave a set amount of money for them to use to pay for things so they can make their own decisions.

It is frustrating that she is not being agreeable about the wedding planning, but hopefully you won't have to deal with her too much and everyone else can enjoy this exciting time. Your daughter probably cares a lot more about what you think than what her future MIL thinks.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

My best advice would be to keep supporting and encouraging your daughter throughout the planning process. It sounds like your daughter's fiancé is correct about his mom being difficult. I agree with PP who said your daughter just needs to keep smiling and planning things the way she and her fiancé want to. They shouldn't start out their married life together bending to MIL's will.

 

[wilkeliza]

We had an similar issue and did ultimately end up pushing our own wedding for numerous reasons. One of those was that it was only going to be 6 months between ours and my sister-in-laws. She chose exactly 6 months. She had a destination wedding and we were not. The big issues became when we realized how much time she wanted everyone to take off for her wedding and then what we wanted to take off for ours and our honeymoon etc. This was on top of it also being a nephews bar mitzvah year and another brother in laws 50th birthday. So with other issues in place that needed to be dealt with before marriage we just decided it would be best to wait until 2017.

My example does seem a little different though because it had other issues that don't seem to be involved here. However, it might be very stressful to do a wedding during the last semester of school and during the last month for the groom. Just a consideration.

 

[luvgoing2disney]

If the future in-laws were financially responsible for two daughters getting married, I might be more inclined to see her point. But since the majority of the wedding expenses are on the brides family, she should not be so demanding.

 

[Christine]

I can also see the mom's side. The weddings are too close together. Not sure what type of event your DD's wedding will be but if it will be large and your DD's fiance has his whole side of the family coming, two weddings that close together can put a strain on extended family unless they are all living very close.

I wanted to get married about 2 weeks before Christmas (way back in the dark ages) and I had a lot of people traveling in for my wedding. My mother thought it was too close to the holidays. I did listen to her and I moved it to February which worked well for everyone.

Anyway, I can see her point and, as a parent, I would probably also wonder why they weren't at least waiting until he graduates and has that all finished. The timing doesn't seem great but, the reality is, it's their wedding.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My MIL basically told my SIL that she couldn't get married for at least a year after DH & I did. Two months apart for your children is really very close and overwhelming. We had a crazy year last year when my brother and one of DH's best friends were married in the same month - plus I spent a small fortune on tux rentals and dresses (DH & DS were in both weddings, DD & I were in my brothers but both needed new dresses for the other wedding as well).

I totally understand wanting to make the choice that's right for them and not letting someone else dictate such a major life event for them. However, I can also see mom's side of it - I'm sure she wants to be involved and give equal attention to both of her kids, which will be virtually impossible with them 2 months apart. I supposed if it's more traditional, where the bride's family pays for, plans, etc everything, then she wouldn't have much of a commitment for her DS's wedding than her DD's...

Good point.

I "assume" some people will be in both of the weddings as bridesmaids or groomsmen. Then two bridal showers, two bachelorette parties, two bachelor parties, two wedding gifts, two weddings to attend. It's more of a financial hardship for his family, not yours.

If it were ME I would move the wedding to 2018. I would give my sister her time to "shine" and give my family some breathing room.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My MIL was the big pain. We'd have eloped if we would have known.

 

[anniemae]

I can understand the moms point. Two months apart is too close IMO, it feels like it's back to back. I would push it out a bit more, maybe not into 2018, but maybe April or May. Also, as others have said, it's a lot financially for people. Why rush? They are so young, a few more months wont matter.

Is MIL putting $$ towards the weddings? If so, she may not be able to afford both.

 

[cmarsh31]

Good point.

I "assume" some people will be in both of the weddings as bridesmaids or groomsmen. Then two bridal showers, two bachelorette parties, two bachelor parties, two wedding gifts, two weddings to attend. It's more of a financial hardship for his family, not yours.

If it were ME I would move the wedding to 2018. I would give my sister her time to "shine" and give my family some breathing room.

Such a crazy month - yes, I completely forgot the chaos of throwing two bridal showers, DH had 2 bachelor parties, wedding gifts. If we had had to travel for both of them as well, hotel rooms, etc would have been astronomical...

Not to mention, having been on both sides (my parents contributed equally to my wedding & my brother's wedding, ILs not so much) - DH & I decided long ago that we love both our children and will be paying as much as we can afford, equally, for both of our children to get married.

 

[MataHari22]

Oh, yeah, my ex MIL was a PITA!! I got engaged after knowing my ex for only 4 months, but we didn't set a date until two years from when we got engaged. My ex and his family, especially his mother, seem to have a very bad "life is not fair and poor me, every one is out to get me and screw me over" mentality, they are always the victim. Anyway, I and my brother, were born with a very rare blood disorder and we found out that my brother was going to have to go through a bone marrow transplant and I would not be able to have my wedding when we originally set the date. I was upset of course, but this is my brother! I wanted him to be at my wedding!! So at first my dad was trying to get me to postpone the wedding and I didn't want to do that. I decided to try and move it up. And that would mean replanting everything in just a few weeks and cancelling everything I'd reserved. It was such a stressful time for my family and instead of the MIL trying to help in any way possible, she just made things more difficult. Because of having to move up the date, the venue had to change and it could not accommodate as many people. The guest list needed cut down, which I was fine with. I was mostly just concerned with if our immediate close, family members and hopefully good friends could be there. Nope, she was having a fit. Then, trying to find a date that worked, she kept saying she had other plans. But like stupid stuff, like an art class or dinner with a friend. Cancel it! My brother has to have a bone marrow transplant, this is life or death stuff! We ended up having the wedding during the day she had an evening engagement, it was a play or a show, and she was given the tickets as a gift and would not even think about missing it. She kept saying how unfair and selfish of me to have that day, and she can never do anything nice and go enjoy herself....blah, blah, blah.

It turned out, that my brother didn't end up having the BMT until after my original date, because of some issues. The transplant did not work out, and sadly, he passed away, just shy of his 21st birthday. It was incredibly difficult, needless to say. It's just never been the same, and my dad, is just not the same person he once was. I am so thankful that I moved up the wedding and I had that fun day with my brother and my family. I know that he had an absolute blast that day.

Anyway, I can sort of see your daughter's future MIL side, but ultimately it's up to the couple to decide what is best for them.

 

[Christine]

I can understand the moms point. Two months apart is too close IMO, it feels like it's back to back. I would push it out a bit more, maybe not into 2018, but maybe April or May. Also, as others have said, it's a lot financially for people. Why rush? They are so young, a few more months wont matter.

Is MIL putting $$ towards the weddings? If so, she may not be able to afford both.

It will be 2018 though. November 2017 pushed to the next April/May is 2018....

 

[Lynne G]

I won't say what happened with my wedding, just that if there's no drama or some unhappy family member(s), it's not a real wedding. LOL

I am glad they are doing what they want to do, as it's their day. I hope the bride to be finds joy in getting ready for the wedding.

 

[Princesca]

In my case, my ex MIL. My husband was from out of state, and has a small family anyway, so the wedding was like 230 of my friends and family, and maybe 9 or 10 of his. This was really no one's fault - everyone we could think of was invited because I was sensitive to wanting his family to be represented. But my ex-MIL spent the whole reception practically in the atrium courtyard, apparently upset about this. Also the photographer appeared to be taking more pics of my family, but the odds were wildly in my favor, and I did all I could by telling her to be sure to get pics of both sides of the family.

She carried a grudge, apparently, over some of this stuff for like... years. Apparently one sticking point was that my aunt made a playful comment to her in the bathroom that "The family sure loved (insert ex's name) even though he was a Yankee" and she just thought that was horrible and my ex said she used to rant about it a lot.

It was too bad, too, because I had some talks with her that I wasn't even able to have with my own mother. I really cared about her.

 

[DizBelle]

When DH and I got engaged, I was at the tail end of my master's degree and was graduating in June and moving several states away (from GA to TX) for my job. We had planned on having the wedding in September in GA so I could focus on graduating and moving and leisurely planning the wedding until we moved. We would hopefully have the bulk planned before moving and then return to GA for the wedding. Well, MIL said the date we chose wouldn't work because there was a cousin with a wife that was pregnant and she was due around that time. She wanted us to move the wedding up to July. We said there was no way we could do that when I'm trying to graduate and move. So, we decided to not have it in September in GA but the next April in TX. The cousin with the pregnant wife didn't even attend.

It's funny, around this time we got lectures from all of our parents. DH's parents are divorced.

MIL: "get married before you move"
FIL: "don't get married and move until DH finishes his degree"
My father: "don't get pregnant"

 

[anniemae]

It will be 2018 though. November 2017 pushed to the next April/May is 2018....

Ahh, correct!! I claim sleep/caffeine deprivation!!