Another Wedding Spinoff-Parents, Will YOU Pay For Your Child's Wedding?

[Dawnlight]

No, we won't be paying for weddings. We may be able to contribute small amounts, but fully funding our retirement will be a priority over one over-hyped party.
I've discussed this over and over again with my kids (ages 9-17) and they see lavish weddings as wasteful, too. We kept our Bar Mitzvah celebrations very modest and I expect they'll be keeping their weddings modest as well.

 

[jrmasm]

I haven't really given it much thought but I kind of doubt it.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

My twins have life plans as of now(8 ) that include expensive grad schools so if those things happen our money well will be pretty dried up.

 

[soccerdad72]

I don't know what we plan to do -- most likely, we'll offer to help pay for some of it (we have two boys).

 

[aprilgail]

I suppose I could just say "here's $10,000, do what you want" and that would be a gift. No further say in the matter. But if DW and I, and maybe the groom's parents, are "hosts" of the reception, I'd consider it an expense of throwing a party, not a gift. I'd also give a separate "gift," such as paying for the honeymoon, or covering some other cost of the wedding: flowers, photographer, DJ, etc. Or maybe buy them some furniture for their house, something along those lines.



By hosting the reception and paying for it, I'd want some "control" by saying I get to invite these 6 or 8 friends of mine. If they wanted an entirely vegan meal, nope, no dice, you need at least one meat dish or at least something with cheese, like veggie lasagna. No three hours of Death Metal. You can have some, but there has to be some softer music to suit more sensitive guests. It's not ALL about you, bride and groom, if someone else is paying. You have to take other people's tastes into consideration.

Black roses and White Castle are fine.

(If I had total control of the music, it would be mostly three hours of late 70s/early 80s New Wave, with some punk and Goth thrown in.)




OK, I confess I have no idea what a rehearsal dinner really is. But I did think it was only for the bridal party and the bride & groom's parents. Who gets invited to account for 40-45 people?

I was a best man once, and a groomsman twice, but I don't recall any rehearsal dinners. Maybe I wasn't invited.

Bridal party plus their spouses/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend etc, grand parents usually and any out of town guests that are in for the wedding is how people I know have always done it but to each their own. It can very easily be 40,50 people. 6 bridesmaids and guest, 6 groomsmen and guests, flower girl and her parents, ring bearer and his parents, brides parents, grooms parents (sometimes two sets of each if divorced and remarried!) grand parents- they all add up.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

That's the plan.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

If I could afford it, I would pay for the whole thing, and I'd buy them a big house with a mother-in-law suite and be their live in babysitter...
Just Kidding!

Seriously though, I would give my kids the world on a platter if I could, but I can't, and I wouldn't be helping them if I did. I will host a event related to the wedding being the mother of boys, it's customary around here that I will host the rehearsal dinner. I will also pay for their honeymoon or whatever they choose.
My boys are 16 and 21, so I think I might be seeing this in the next decade.

 

[rwdavis2]

We paid for college. That's enough. We've pretty much drummed the idea of paying for their own wedding as soon as they could understand the concept.

 

[Jedana]

.....even if your child's fiancée is a Bride/Groomzilla?

Years ago I told DDs (29 and soon to be 26) not to expect a 50K+ Disney Fairy Tale Wedding on my dime. I doubt they'd be interested anyway. But sure, I expect to pay or at least contribute if they decide to get married. But I also expect the groom's parents and the kids themselves to contribute as well.

Hopefully they won't want anything elaborate, but I suppose I would pay about $10,000, maybe a bit more. That's for the reception. Other costs would be decided upon separately.

And since I'm paying, of course I will have some say in the matter. Guest list, food and music choices, etc. Yep, some strings attached. They can always find another way if that's unacceptable.

As for a 3 hour Head Banger's Ball, not a chance in hell.

We couldn't afford it for either of the girls---medical bills eat up all our extra income. We gave DD1 a little bit of money to spend on what she liked, and for DD2, we purchased her cake, the stuff to make cupcakes, decorations and party favors. We really didn't spend a lot---less than $400 on the two of them. DD1 was married at a JoP, and DD2 had her wedding on the beach, with a friend officiating.

 

[slo]

It's hard to know now.
If we can't pay for all of it, then we'll definitely contribute as much as we can afford.
My parents and DH's parents paid for our wedding 50/50.

 

[Dizlvr]

I think it makes sense that those of you who want to have a say seeing yourselves as host/ess if you are paying. I don't want to be a host, I have no intention of planning any of my kid's weddings. I will gladly be a guest

 

[minnie mum]

We did pay for both of our DDs weddings. Neither could have afforded the wedding that they really wanted. I had set up an investment account when they were babies specifically for their college and wedding expenses. We told them how much we were prepared to pay, and anything above that, they were responsible for. Both girls involved me in all of their planning, and asked for my input, although I didn't insist on it. Since we were hosting the receptions, and IMO a hostess has a duty to see to the comfort of all of their guests, if something ( like the music in the original thread) seemed particularly problematic, there would definitely have been a come to Jesus discussion with the bride and/or groom. Fortunately that situation didn't happen.

We also gave a gift to each couple - the appliances for one daughter who was moving into a new home, and the China set for the other daughter who already had her home.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, I will pay for dd's wedding. Just because I want to. The planning will be up to her and of course there will be a budget that if she wants to go above, she will have to pay the "upgrade", we will pay for most of it. She is our only dd and the youngest and its what we want to do when the time comes.

I did pay for oldest ds's small wedding. His wife's father would not/could not help out. They did get friends to pitch in with the food for the reception and one made the cake (we bought the ingredients). My sil did the flowers and niece made the invitations and the programs. So, it wasn't that big of an expense.

My youngest ds's wife didn't want a wedding. They got married on her father's back porch. So instead we gave them a big reception. My sister, mom and I all pitched in. I paid for several extras to even it out to what I paid on older ds's wedding.

 

[Nennie]

I plan on paying for my daughter, and would be prepared to pay 50% for my sons (if other parents wanted to split it). My parents paid for my wedding, so I've just always assumed I'd pay for my own kids' weddings. My kids are young, so I should probably start saving! LOL!!!

 

[focusondisney]

OK, I confess I have no idea what a rehearsal dinner really is. But I did think it was only for the bridal party and the bride & groom's parents. Who gets invited to account for 40-45 people?

I was a best man once, and a groomsman twice, but I don't recall any rehearsal dinners. Maybe I wasn't invited.

Bridal party plus their spouses/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend etc, grand parents usually and any out of town guests that are in for the wedding is how people I know have always done it but to each their own. It can very easily be 40,50 people. 6 bridesmaids and guest, 6 groomsmen and guests, flower girl and her parents, ring bearer and his parents, brides parents, grooms parents (sometimes two sets of each if divorced and remarried!) grand parents- they all add up.

Yep, that's why I'm thinking we might have 40. Both are having at least 6 attendants most of whom are married, both sets of parents & some relatives from out of town. They will have a justice of the peace, but usually a religious officiant & spouse would be invited too. They haven't finalized wedding party yet, so not sure if DD will be asked, if not she & her BF will still be at rehearsal dinner. I hope I am overestimating with 40 -45, better to save money if there are fewer people than have to be surprised & need to cut back.

Bride & groom- 2
Parents--4
Bridal party, 6 attendants each--12
Bridal party spouses/ significant others--12
DD & BF--2
Brides out of town relatives-- maybe 10 people.

Total possibly 42.

 

[LBIJim]

Those who favor tradition, cover your eyes.

Bride must wear white? Garter toss? Smash cake into each others faces?

This article suggests saying "I don't" to a lot of long-standing wedding traditions.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/...ing-traditions/ss-BBjrgsB?ocid=TSHDHP#image=1

 

[LBIJim]

Bridal party plus their spouses/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend etc, grand parents usually and any out of town guests that are in for the wedding is how people I know have always done it but to each their own. It can very easily be 40,50 people. 6 bridesmaids and guest, 6 groomsmen and guests, flower girl and her parents, ring bearer and his parents, brides parents, grooms parents (sometimes two sets of each if divorced and remarried!) grand parents- they all add up.

Yep, that's why I'm thinking we might have 40. Both are having at least 6 attendants most of whom are married, both sets of parents & some relatives from out of town. They will have a justice of the peace, but usually a religious officiant & spouse would be invited too. They haven't finalized wedding party yet, so not sure if DD will be asked, if not she & her BF will still be at rehearsal dinner. I hope I am overestimating with 40 -45, better to save money if there are fewer people than have to be surprised & need to cut back.

Bride & groom- 2
Parents--4
Bridal party, 6 attendants each--12
Bridal party spouses/ significant others--12
DD & BF--2
Brides out of town relatives-- maybe 10 people.

Total possibly 42.

Thanks to both for replying. I really didn't know about any of this. The weddings where I was a Best Man and groomsman were a bit unconventional, so there were no formal rehearsal dinners. We just went out casually to a restaurant with the immediate involved parties only for one of them, and the others didn't have anything.

 

[luvsJack]

Those who favor tradition, cover your eyes.

Bride must wear white? Garter toss? Smash cake into each others faces?

This article suggests saying "I don't" to a lot of long-standing wedding traditions.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/...ing-traditions/ss-BBjrgsB?ocid=TSHDHP#image=1

Personally, I think choosing to follow those traditions are completely up to the bride and groom.

Some sure are outdated but some are nice. The father escorting his dd down the aisle is one that I hate to see pushed aside. Not as he is "giving her away" but as he is guiding her into her new life. As a parent we guide our children, we teach them and we hope they take those lessons and live by them.

Some just get way to technical about what these things mean and get all bent out of shape about them.

 

[scrapquitler]

.....even if your child's fiancée is a Bride/Groomzilla?

Years ago I told DDs (29 and soon to be 26) not to expect a 50K+ Disney Fairy Tale Wedding on my dime. I doubt they'd be interested anyway. But sure, I expect to pay or at least contribute if they decide to get married. But I also expect the groom's parents and the kids themselves to contribute as well.

Hopefully they won't want anything elaborate, but I suppose I would pay about $10,000, maybe a bit more. That's for the reception. Other costs would be decided upon separately.

And since I'm paying, of course I will have some say in the matter. Guest list, food and music choices, etc. Yep, some strings attached. They can always find another way if that's unacceptable.

As for a 3 hour Head Banger's Ball, not a chance in hell.

I think that our approach will be to offer them a set amount of money and let them use it as they wish toward paying for their wedding/honeymoon. And if they choose to have something very small/elope, etc. then they would be welcome to use that money for buying a house etc. instead.

DH and I ended up with the wedding that our parents wanted. Neither one of us cared very much about the details and had our parents given us a bit of leeway, we probably would have just eloped.

 

[lizabu]

Personally, I think choosing to follow those traditions are completely up to the bride and groom.

Some sure are outdated but some are nice. The father escorting his dd down the aisle is one that I hate to see pushed aside. Not as he is "giving her away" but as he is guiding her into her new life. As a parent we guide our children, we teach them and we hope they take those lessons and live by them.

Some just get way to technical about what these things mean and get all bent out of shape about them.

I think the father escorting the bride or the parents escorting the bride is nice too. Many times they will say something like "who gives this woman..." . I had them cut that out of my wedding. I didn't feel like I was anyone's property to give. We did the bouquet toss and garter toss but could've done without them. I think things are always evolving and I can think of good reasons why couples might want to cut out any of these traditions.