Another Wedding Spinoff-Parents, Will YOU Pay For Your Child's Wedding?

[lizabu]

but would you try and control their wedding knowing its theirs not yours? (not accusing just asking)

I wouldn't want to control their weddings. However I wouldn't be afraid to voice my opinion. A wedding should be about the couple but at the same time you have a responsibility to make your guests comfortable. If like the other thread they wanted heavy metal or a mosh pit or other stupidity I would be sure to tell them I think it's a stupid idea.

 

[SaraJR]

I wouldn't want to control their weddings. However I wouldn't be afraid to voice my opinion. A wedding should be about the couple but at the same time you have a responsibility to make your guests comfortable. If like the other thread they wanted heavy metal or a mosh pit or other stupidity I would be sure to tell them I think it's a stupid idea.

politely sharing an opinion i think is fine, or at least expected to a degree, threatening to withdraw funding after already agreeing i think is different, or really pushing an opinion after its been made clear they disagree

 

[lizabu]

politely sharing an opinion i think is fine, or at least expected to a degree, threatening to withdraw funding after already agreeing i think is different, or really pushing an opinion after its been made clear they disagree

And that's the difference. If I'm helping to pay I'm a hostess. If I don't pay I'm no different than any other guest even if I'm technically the mother. If your just a guest it's none of your business what's going on with the planning. I want to be involved as much as I will be allowed. Also I may want a few people on the guest list. Unless I'm paying for them I wouldn't dare ask. In the end if I didn't like what was planned I wouldn't threaten to withdraw funding. Instead I would ask that my funds be directed towards things I agree with and let the bride and groom pay for the things they want to pay for.

 

[SaraJR]

And that's the difference. If I'm helping to pay I'm a hostess. If I don't pay I'm no different than any other guest even if I'm technically the mother. If your just a guest it's none of your business what's going on with the planning. I want to be involved as much as I will be allowed. Also I may want a few people on the guest list. Unless I'm paying for them I wouldn't dare ask. In the end if I didn't like what was planned I wouldn't threaten to withdraw funding. Instead I would ask that my funds be directed towards things I agree with and let the bride and groom pay for the things they want to pay for.

thats better then many iv heard of for sure

 

[Minnesota!]

Yep! I plan on paying for college and weddings, as needed. I have all boys, so I will defer to whatever the person they are marrying is not covering.

 

[bsblady01]

no I will not pay for their weddings since my parents did not pay for mine

 

[hereyago]

On a side note, if I were to pay, I dont believe in strings attached. It would be a set amount, do whatever with it. Hire a fire walker, do cartwheels down the aisle, I dont care.

 

[HeatherC]

We will try to help with their weddings, but we have three kids and are just starting the college years. Will see where stand when that is done. I would prefer they paid it themselves and we help them with a down payment on their first house.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

If we're able, I'd love to contribute up to $5,000 (hopefully, they'd use less & put the rest toward a honeymoon). But at this point, I've not a single nickel socked away for this endeavor. So, who knows? LOL

 

[Goofy'slady]

I plan to contribute as much as possible to my girls wedding. I would hope that their grooms parents would contribute as well but I won't expect it. I see my eldest daughter also contributing to the expenses but my youngest is well...let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't contribute much at all. My baby is just 10 next week and well seems to be living in her own world that doesn't include the realities of what things cost and how one gets that money and it's not without being told either. I pray for the man who will fall under her spell.

 

[leebee]

We hope to. We helped with college (DH taught one class per semester as an adjunct for the 25% tuition waiver, and it was hard on him as he already has one full-time job and is chief scientific officer of a small biotech company which takes time but doesn't often have money to pay him) and we paid about $2000-$4000 a semester towards her costs. She'll have student loans to pay that we would like to help with, too, but those payments are about $250 a month and she wants to pay the majority of it. Hopefully we'll be able to plan her wedding together, taking into account her (and the fiancee's) wishes and our budget. I know my DD and don't anticipate it being a problem, and I'm sure she'll want to help pay, also.

 

[ronandannette]

Sort of. DH's oldest daughter is engaged. They are both in their late 30's and have been living together for 3 years. Prior to that they both had lived with and had children with others; 7 children and 4 ex-SO's between them. We've never been in the habit of getting up in her business and don't intend to start now. We will give a set amount as a gift, for them to do with what they wish. Whether their plans are humble or grandiose, the amount we give won't change. We'll be there with bells on (providing we're invited ) but beyond that I couldn't care less what the event is like.

When DH's younger daughter married (15 years ago, both she and the groom were in their very early 20's and had never lived away from home except on campus) we took a far more active role in the planning and execution because they needed us to. We tried to go with their "vision" but they really had very few specific ideas. They came up with the date, location and guest list and they chose their own attire. Besides that, they were the ones who basically just showed up.

DS is 18 and presently unattached. When (if) his turn comes, we'll see what the situation dictates but in concept, we'll aim for the "write a cheque" method unless necessary. Honestly, I'd be expecting the bride's family to be much more involved than us.

 

[focusondisney]

We paid for DD's wedding, except for the photographer. Left that to them so they could spend/ order what they wanted. It was a small but very nice wedding, cost about 11K. Plus gave a cash gift to them too. SIL's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (about 15 of us) & gave them their honeymoon. Unfortunately, marriage ended in divorce 3 years later. DH says DD will be on her own if she ever remarries! We did not make any demands on the wedding planning, but then DD & I think a lot alike, so their choices were what we expected anyway. She included me in everything too. We didn't give any money toward their house.

DS is engaged to a wonderful young lady. Wedding is next summer. Her parents offered 20K for a wedding, or 10K for a wedding & 10K for a house down payment. That's what she chose. We gave about 2K toward closing costs, plus offered 5K for the wedding (may end up giving a bit more). We will also pay for the rehearsal dinner, I'm guessing about 40-45 people for that. They will also get a cash gift as DD did. They can select the site for rehearsal dinner & have input into menu. I expect my input into wedding will be "what color dress should I wear & what length?" They are keeping us informed of plans. Unfortunately, we couldn't be there when they chose their venue, but they are trying to arrange for us to see it.

We paid for most of their college costs & gave each a decent car after high school. Our parents didn't pay for cars or college & gave only token amounts toward our wedding. It was very important to my DH that we do these things for our kids. We would have a lot more in retirement if we didn't pay for all this; but helping the kids get a good start was something he always wanted to do.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

We will, assuming our situation stays the same over the next many years. Currently our daughter is only ten and plans to live a nearly monastic life as dedicated scientist and professes to have no interest in a husband who takes her mind off her studies (yes, we do feel like she is judging us, her parents who got distracted and married), so who knows, we may not have to... (Although we assume her opinions on taking a spouse may change over the next few years...)

 

[LBIJim]

I think that you are right, but I'm wondering if the parents who do have stipulations consider their paying as a gift.

I suppose I could just say "here's $10,000, do what you want" and that would be a gift. No further say in the matter. But if DW and I, and maybe the groom's parents, are "hosts" of the reception, I'd consider it an expense of throwing a party, not a gift. I'd also give a separate "gift," such as paying for the honeymoon, or covering some other cost of the wedding: flowers, photographer, DJ, etc. Or maybe buy them some furniture for their house, something along those lines.

but would you try and control their wedding knowing its theirs not yours? (not accusing just asking)

By hosting the reception and paying for it, I'd want some "control" by saying I get to invite these 6 or 8 friends of mine. If they wanted an entirely vegan meal, nope, no dice, you need at least one meat dish or at least something with cheese, like veggie lasagna. No three hours of Death Metal. You can have some, but there has to be some softer music to suit more sensitive guests. It's not ALL about you, bride and groom, if someone else is paying. You have to take other people's tastes into consideration.

Black roses and White Castle are fine.

(If I had total control of the music, it would be mostly three hours of late 70s/early 80s New Wave, with some punk and Goth thrown in.)

We will also pay for the rehearsal dinner, I'm guessing about 40-45 people for that. .

OK, I confess I have no idea what a rehearsal dinner really is. But I did think it was only for the bridal party and the bride & groom's parents. Who gets invited to account for 40-45 people?

I was a best man once, and a groomsman twice, but I don't recall any rehearsal dinners. Maybe I wasn't invited.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Yes. We have (and will)...within reason.

 

[Bec3b1g]

We'll give as generously as we are able. It's a tough one for me because I think big, expensive weddings are stupid. And if one of my kids marries someone I don't like then it will be even harder. But, I will give what I can and shut up and wear beige. They will be the parents of my grandchildren so I will do everything possible to foster good relationships.

 

[Neesy228]

I don't know about paying for the entire wedding, but I plan on giving a set amount towards my kids' weddings. I also don't expect to have a say in anything, I hope that they ask for my input and advice but I am not going to make me having a say be a requirement in order to give them money.

This is exactly what we plan to do. We already had our wedding - this is their day. I hope that I can be involved in the experience simply because they're my children and they would like me there and value my opinion, not because I gave them cash.

 

[disykat]

I plan on giving both boys 5 K as a gift and have no intention of being a host. I figure they'll plan their own weddings like DH and I did. They can do with the gift what they want. I would do the same if I had a daughter. Depending on their finances and if spouses parents are giving a gift too they should do fine. If they have no other money, they could have a small modest ceremony on that. If they don't have the money for a big to-do, they don't need one.

If they were to come to our town to get married I would probably be helping with logistics, but I don't really see that happening. (Though I admit that I would LOVE it if they got married in the church they grew up in, I won't be pushing for it.)

I think many people naturally want to do what was done for them.

In my tradition, parents help with college to launch their kids and by the times weddings roll around the kids are already on their own financially.

 

[Jeannie]

Both of my daughters are newly engaged. We offered each of them $25K and a ladder! They weren't interested, so we will be hosting two receptions. The choice of venue and food choices will be made jointly between myself, my daughters, and their boyfriends. If the cost ends up under $25K, I will give them the difference as a gift, and if it's over, they will need to pay the difference. Both will be paying for their own flowers, DJ, invitations, limo, etc.

My mother was a young widow who paid for my wedding, so I always said I would pay for my daughters' weddings. It took a lot of hard work and frugal living to be able to save up the money. I know we are very fortunate to be able to do this. Thankfully, my girls are very appreciative and not at all bridezillas.