Am I an awful person?

Discussion in 'Disney Cruise Line Forum' started by SamandWill1921, Nov 8, 2012.

  1. slcmom

    slcmom Mouseketeer

    Nov 6, 2003
    Hey Samantha and all
    Your problem really resonates with me. I never stood up to my in-laws, although they did the same kind of religious belittling that you describe. My dh also worked for them, which added considerable stress to our lives.

    Now we've been married 37 years. Both my in-laws have passed. My greatest regret in my life in that I didn't succeed in having a loving relationship with them. Yes, they didn't make it easy, but I stopped trying. When that show "Dharma and Greg' was on the air I used to love it because of the loving but firm way Dharma dealt with her in-laws. How I wish I had behaved similarly.

    I hope that you figure out a way to co-exist lovingly and respectfully. I believe it is worth immense effort. Now that my kids are marrying, I'm trying very hard to be loving and non-judgemental. It is not an easy nor natural relationship imo! Good luck!
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  3. MrsKP

    MrsKP Mouseketeer

    Jan 17, 2011
    What about doing a 4 night on Dream for a vow renewal? Then relax in Cocoa for a couple of nights and hop on the Fantasy for 7 night honeymoon. Or do a 3 night on the Dream and renew vows and stay on for 4 night honeymoon.

    I think it would be rude to invite them and not tell them you plan to eat dinner alone. You could be honest and tell them you plan to eat dinner alone and them make sure your dining rotation is different. If that upsets them, they can decide to stay home.
  4. lbgraves

    lbgraves Little Cinderella's Mommy

    Feb 25, 2003
    I sincerely hope that if you have plans for a VR on CC that your cruise does not have any issue docking there -- for your sake.

    Reading your posts hits a chord for me. We had issues with my ILs almost from the beginning. We didn't share things with them in order to avoid the comments. They never knew we went on a honeymoon for example because that would have been an extravagance. We paid for every cent of our wedding, BTW, so we were able to do what we wanted without having to get comments from either side. Years went by like this, even after my MIL was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. She suffered through that for over nine years. At some point I started ignoring the "guidelines" that had been in place. When she was in the hospital and the others were visiting her, I was at their home deep cleaning - which she hadn't been able to do in quite some time because she hadn't felt well. I started reaching out and giving her hugs whenever we saw her. It took her a little while to get use to that. She told me she didn't know that I cared. We had a few heart-to-hearts and bonded. In the end I beleive we had a very good relationship and she knew I loved her. Her strength inspires me now and I wish she was still with us. It may take you going outside of your comfort zone -- as well as theirs -- but the result could be a valued relationship.
  5. jlwhitney

    jlwhitney DIS Veteran

    Dec 8, 2009
    It seems like, I could be wrong, that she isn't looking for solutions to the problems, but almost more she wants people to justify with her that its okay to avoid the at dinner a few nights and such.

    Whatever happens,this is a few years away and the plans could change a few times.

    You need to do what works best for all, and compromises may need to made on your part to ensure everyone, including you have the best time possible.
  6. novajet

    novajet Earning My Ears

    Nov 26, 2006
    Honestly, it sounds like the VR is for them, not you. So, if you are willing to do it for them, I think you should suck it up for a few days and deal with the negativity and just escape for a couple of quiet dinners alone.

    Maybe they are feeling left out at not being invited to the actual wedding? I'm sure you had your reasons for a private ceremony without them, but I'm sure that was hurtful nonetheless. I know I'd be sad at not being able to be there at my child's wedding. So, if this VR is what they need to heal, and you are willing to do it, just enjoy the cruise and ignore the negativity. It's a win-win, if you let it be. They get to see the VR and feel like a part of their son's life, and you get a (mostly) enjoyable cruise.
  7. tojam

    tojam Tojam

    Jan 29, 2011
    Since you are seeking opinions I will offer one. IMHO, this has train wreck written all over it. Any time on board avoiding them will take some of the shine and magic off of your trip. They will find their normal faults and all will be slightly less than happy. I would plan a blow out party where your family lives. Dance, eat, drink and party. Then privately enjoy the cruise.

    Just a thought.
  8. MrsScooby

    MrsScooby DIS Veteran

    May 27, 2002
    I agree with this alot:thumbsup2
    I kept thinking that when my In-laws got to know me they would start to respect me and it never happened:confused3

    Some things you just can't change and so you have to figure out how best to deal with the situation you've been given.

    My DH and I have had to lie to our parents over the years because it was the only way we could keep them from interferring in our lives. That was just the way they were brought up. My DH's mantra has always been to tell his parents as little as possible and after several misguided attempts at being honest with them I have come to his way of thinking.

    Good Luck:grouphug:

    FTR I don't think you are a terrible person, just someone struggling with a difficult situation.:flower3:
  9. Ikaikalani

    Ikaikalani Tee-Eye-double Guh-err

    Jan 28, 2007
    I agree with previous posters who advise: Do your vow renewals at home. invite the hoards of in-laws, let them complain/vent, and then the two of you head off, alone, on your 'renewal-honeymoon' :)
  10. lorenni

    lorenni DIS Veteran

    Aug 27, 2012
    It seems to me that you need to play by your inlaws rules so long as you are financially dependent on them. Sounds like you are well aware of the strings attached to this money.

    And if 600 for textbooks is a hardship (I assume this is the case, as it was the example you have for why you toe the line with them), then isn't a DCL event a bit too extravagant? Plenty of time to take expensive vacations once you're both educated, employed and financially independent, no?
  11. Disney Dreams

    Disney Dreams Proudly afflicted with TDMA!

    Mar 10, 2006
    (bolding above is mine)

    The very simple answer to the question you asked that I have bolded is: yes.

    It's akin to saying, "Hey everyone, come spend lots of money on a vacation you would never choose to take on your own to see us renew our vows since we excluded you from the wedding, but we don't want to even spend less than two hours an evening with you during dinner." Really? Do YOU think that sounds "wrong and selfish"?

    (bolding is mine) You essentially are trying to find a way to take separate vacations, but appear as if you have invited them along. It just doesn't work that way. That's just rude.

    (bolding is mine) You and your DH cannot afford his college education, but you are planning B2B cruises and a relatively pricey vow renewal? Look, I understand wanting things. Trust me on that. I completely understand. But if your in-laws are paying for their son's education, how do you justify going on B2B cruises that you are paying for instead? Wouldn't that money pay for a semester or two of college? Sometimes the things we want to do have to wait their turn. It seems to me to be extremely disrespectful to your in-laws to be taking B2B cruises while they are footing the bill for college and then trying to figure out how to avoid having dinner together during a cruise you have invited them on. Do you think that sounds like the "right" thing to do?

    Okay, "these people" are your husband's parents. If you ever have children, they are your kids grandparents. I understand you did not pick them, but they come with your husband. They are part of the deal. Your dislike for them is a MUCH bigger problem than this trip. However, since you asked advice on this trip, let's stick with that topic:
    You did not invite them to the wedding. You are doing the vow renewal mostly for them. So, let's plan it somewhere that they will hate and maybe they will not come. Do you see how that is not a solution? I understand you really want to do a cruise (B2B for that matter). I understand you are feeling pressured to do a VR so they can be included. Why not do a VR elsewhere that is not a destination ceremony and in a few years when you and your DH are self-supportive (i.e. no one else is paying for your DH's education), take a B2B cruise, just the two of you? I know you want to do the cruises now, but do you see when reading your own words why that may not be the best choice at this time?

    But that is not what you asked for in your first post. Even the title of your thread says, "Am I an awful person?" You were not asking, "How did YOU deal with difficult in-laws on a cruise?"

    We all have family "issues." My mother and father had to be seated at tables on opposite sides of the room at my wedding. Would I invite them on a cruise together? hahahaha! NEVER! The trick is navigating through life dealing with our individual family issues. You are creating a situation (family vacation in a captive environment) that does not align with your desired way to interact with the invited guests (not interact with them as much as possible). Do the VR elsewhere. Make your life easy.

    Well, they're paying for his education. That does not mean you (and he) do not have rights to your own opinions, but if getting "stuck paying for $600 in books" was a huge issue, maybe B2B cruises is not the best choice... for now.

    I would suggest thinking of an alternate choice for the VR ceremony and think about postponing the B2B cruises as a celebration trip for your husband's college graduation in a few years. Something to think about....

    - Dreams
  12. JimGA

    JimGA DIS Veteran

    Oct 25, 2012
  13. Patrickprincess

    Patrickprincess HAVE A MAGICAL DAY

    Oct 21, 2011
  14. kcashner

    kcashner DIS Veteran

    Dec 4, 2003
    As long as a couple or individual is financially dependent on the parents/in laws, it is reasonable to expect interference. It's a rare parent who is willing to sign the checks and not attempt to exert some control. When a couple is ready/willing/able to cut the financial apron strings, they are also in a position to insist on independence in other areas of their lives.

    When I was in grad school, my parents gave me a car because I needed it. I was no longer going to the same place each day, so riding a city bus didn't work! A few years later they basically told me to buy myself a car so they could give "their" car to my sister "because it would be so nice for her to have a car for her senior year!" You know, I didn't appreciate till I had done it how nice it was to be rid of the last vestige of their "support" and control. And they didn't pay for my education.

    I question a lot of things OP has said in this post, but each family creates its own pathology. And they have to work thru that which they create.
  15. cruisecrasher

    cruisecrasher DIS Veteran

    Jun 10, 2010
    This would be why we waited to get married until after college. And why my father wasn't interested to hear proposals of boys that could not support a wife and the responsibilities therein.
    Money creates obligation and silence in a situation that chafes. Basically, If you'd rather owe them and owe Disney, then it seems you're going to have to pay interest, and in your in laws case it seems they'd like to be paid in time and attention.
    We have difficult in laws as well, in this case they're my parents (we call them our in laws because they act and function as such, also it's nice to know your spouse has your back since they're originally my parents, it was my responsibility to set the tone in that relationship, but Ben is right there to back me up). My brother outwardly and obviously mocks my (conservative, Christian) religious views (up to and including praying to Chuck Norris when my mother asked him to give blessing at Thanksgiving dinner) while my mother merely argues a "of course I'm Christian but that doesn't mean it's the only way" (relativism) so I can get how harmful either can be. (My father, although Christian was divorced from my mother after we married and moved across the country shortly thereafter, so although we rarely argue, we seldom get to visit either.)
    Basically through a lot of prayer and guidance, we've developed healthier boundaries. I've got a couple book recommendations, if you'd like a pm.
  16. cruisecrasher

    cruisecrasher DIS Veteran

    Jun 10, 2010
    Sorry if previous post is TMI.
    I wanted to assure OP that people can and have gone from ridiculously busted up relationship boundary issues (me, my DH and parents) to loving, albeit drastically changed relationships (also us)
  17. ranidayz

    ranidayz DIS Veteran is a....... Caribbean Amphibian

    Aug 23, 2007
    Remember - DCL is a magical place, you don't want to take away from that. Vacationing with family is challenging even if you do get along. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for a whole lot of ugly and unhappiness. And no, you can't invite people to a trip they'd never go on by themselves in your honor.....and then ditch them. That's a trajectory your family will not recover from easily.

    If you all go on the cruise, prepare to spend every moment with them and any time you have off should be considered profit.

    And.....if you can pay for your own DCL cruise- either stop taking their money for books or get them a nice $600 gift each semester.
  18. SamandWill1921

    SamandWill1921 Mouseketeer

    Jun 21, 2012
    I appreciate all of the opinions. However I did not post this thread for my actions to be justified. My thought was 'this is a subject weighing on the mind of my husband. Of all the people on the boards, SOMEONE has to have been in my shoes at one point or another. Maybe they can help me figure out a solution and ease my husband's mind'.
    And yes, the supporitve comments and the flames have all given me something to think about.

    Yes, my husband will graduate about a year before we take this cruise. our financial situation will be much better when both of us are working. We LOVE to travel so we drive 10 year old cars, live rather simply and shop at Sam's Club so that we can save every penny possible to go on vacations like DCL.

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