Am I an awful person?

[RedSox68]

We plan on doing a family Palo dinner and will probably end up doing several lunches and excursions together.

Unfortunately I can totally relate -- but it wasn't my beloved in-laws that ruined every outing and dinner, it was my mother. She found misery in every single thing we did and it ruined many celebrations, birthdays and anniversaries. As the years went by, we just stopped inviting her and found peace!

My suggestions: Don't do a family Palo dinner -- do a family Palo brunch. The dinner is more intimate and romantic and would be a great thing for you and your husband. The brunch is more casual and bright and wouldn't be as "intrusive".

As for other dinners, if you are doing a 7-night, you'd only have to have 5 dinners if you do Remy and Palo two other nights. You can even just spend one night in Cabanas which is more free or just go upon deck and do the food windows and sit outside. It would give you a little more freedom to get up and walk around if you feel yourself about ready to blow (good excuses: oh, I want to get some pictures; want to get more food; want to go see what that is over there ).

Good luck.

 

[kcashner]

I suppose I could also be "seasick" on the nights I just can't take anymore and I just don't want to deal with it and hit cabanas or room service for dinner. I bet I could even get a MDR meal delivered to my room.

OK, I'm probably being rude here, but I was really on your side till I read this.

You have excellent reasons for wanting to do a vow renewal on board (or at WDW). But what I'm seeing is ways of manipulating the situation thru a series of lies/misrepresentations, etc. in order to get things the way you want them. You are talking about lying to the inlaws to get separate tables and pretend it was DCL's mistake, pretending to be seasick as an excuse to return to your room and manipulate DCL into sending an MDR meal to your room, etc.

Why not just deal with the situation honestly? I loved the poster who suggested telling them that if it wasn't worth complaining to DCL, it wasn't worth discussing at dinner.

You are only a couple of years into this marriage and relationship with these inlaws, with hopefully several decades to come. Being honest ("We don't want to hear complaints at dinner; if we can't all have pleasant conversation, we will eat elsewhere") may result in a much better long term basis for your relationship. Lies and deceit, no matter how good the intentions, are no way to build a family. And if you want them to like DCL, arranging things so they will be unhappy and blaming DCL is not the way to accomplish that goal.

I hope it works out and you have a great trip, but I also hope you find an honest way to achieve your objectives.

 

[Debers17]

Simple solution. How about you choose main dining and make sure they have second dining, or vice versa? Everyone gets to enjoy the main dining room meals without you having to listen to every complaint they may have.

 

[RedxPanda]

I agree, either speak up and let them know how their constant nit picking ruins your experience, or risk it ruining your trip and every other experience with them. Life is too short to let others ruin your fun.

Give it time, sometimes it takes a few years to get used to your in laws. Hopefully, you can find your stride with them eventually, and see a brighter side to their personalities. Involve them in the planning so they know what DCL is all about. The more they know, hopefully, the less they will complain about. We are lucky that we have all this info about DCL at our fingertips. You can even show them the menus for dinner every night!

I should add, we're sailing on DCL with my inlaws in February. Its their first DCL cruise, I am enjoying giving them the tips we learned prior to cruising and what we learned from our first DCL cruise. My MIL can be a complainer over things too, but I've learned, after 8 years, how to tune a lot of that out or comment back myself if I find it completely ridiculous.

 

[kathie859]

If I paid to attend a destination wedding, vow renewal, anniversary celebration or whatever AND I was shunned by the celebrants--I'd be irked.

OP, instead of bad mouthing the in laws and creating false excuses for not being present, perhaps plan a celebration that doesn't involve having guests there for the entire week. Another poster made a good suggestion of having the VR @ WDW then you and DH take a cruise. That way you're not subjected to their negativity for days on end and they are not subjected to your deceptions.

 

[SuzanneSLO]

I like it.


Sounds like you have good reasons to do a renewal so soon, and to invite them, and to have them go on the cruise with you!

You can request the opposite seating for dinner that they do, you can request that you sit just the two of you. You can encourage them to have a lovely romantic time at their own table for two! Weddings and renewals are romantic, so why not let them have romance, too?

[snip]

If the OP is not going to plan meals with the ILs while onboard, then be honest and tell them this is what you are doing. I hope that there will be others also travelling in the group with whom the ILs can enjoy meals.

If the OP is not honest, then the ILs will likely have a valid complaint to make to DCL: they travelled all this way and cannot even enjoy meals together unless DCL does something to fix it. My guess it will be fixed by the second night and the scheming will have been for naught (best case) or exposed (worst case).

For the OP, this may be one of life's tough choices. Have the VR on DCL and have some of the magic (potentially) ruined by unpleasant guests. Or have a VR somewhere else, then follow it with a vacation you want alone with your DH. -- Suzanne

 

[SamandWill1921]

Well I guess my post did ask "Am I an awful person?" my conclusion? Yes I am, since I considered lying even for a millisecond. It's never the right answer even if it's the easiest one. I do not want to lie to anyone, nor do I want to make DCL look bad and give my in-laws MORE to complain about. another poster mentioned I may have to suffer through it out of respect and she's absolutely correct. I think what I should do is:

1.) Have a serious (but respectful) heart-to-heart with the entire family about their tendency to dwell on the negative and how that is not in the spirit of a VR.

2.) Have fewer breakfasts/lunches with the unpleasant people so that I can be ready for it when dinner comes.

3.) When (not if, when) the conversation leans toward negativity do my best to steer it to something that was good.

4.) Enjoy every moment of the private dinners I have with my DH.

5.) Not be overly concerned whether or not they are having a good time, and not let their complaints ruin the entire cruise. There is plenty to do, if they choose to stay in their stateroom and drink the entire time and then complain about how boring the ship is, it's their money, not mine. It's MY vow renewal, and I WILL enjoy it.

6.) (and most important) Save enough money so that they get off the ship and we stay to do a b2b. That way the next week we can do anything we want without being judged.

 

[Raspberry Beret]

Honestly, I can't see the point of getting all worked up over something that is years away. Life can change in a flash.

 

[luv2sleep]

Honestly, I don't understand why you'd bring anyone so negative on vacation. It's probably hard enough to deal with them when you HAVE to (holidays, birthdays, etc) so why being them on an expensive vacation where you want to have fun and relax? I'd do a vow renewal on a beach or something or by a lake or wherever, have a nice small dinner, and then go on a cruise by yourselves. Life is too short to deal with other people's drama. Your only going away for a few days. Just go and enjoy yourselves.

 

[SamandWill1921]

Honestly, I can't see the point of getting all worked up over something that is years away. Life can change in a flash.

It's not really that far away... People plan vacations 5+ years in advance, and this is way closer than that. We have to start putting money away for this now and this is something that my DH especially can't get off his mind. We don't want to get our hopes up and get any more excited than we already are and have it be ruined just like many other family events tend to be because of the attitudes of these people. My DH also has a real problem standing up to his family when something upsets him. I want to put his mind at ease ASAP and have a plan in motion before he decides that it's not worth the fight his Dad and uncle will turn it into and then decides to cancel the entire thing.

 

[MinnesotaMouseketeers]

Wow! If the in-laws don't like the idea of a Disney cruise and are going to come only "begrudgingly", you won't have a good time at dinner or otherwise.

I would do the DCL vow renewal with those family members who are excited to come. Maybe have a get-together at home for the family members who can't/don't want to do the DCL cruise.

Have to agree with Luv2Diz, make coming along optional for the people/family members you invite to share your special occasion. And have a special gathering with those that opt out for when you get home.

I would love to do vow renewal on DCL. And I have in-laws that are absolutely positive they would have a horrible time on a cruise, when they have NEVER BEEN ON ONE. And if we do it someday (which I hope we can), I would have NO PROBLEM leaving them behind. And I really don't believe my DW would mind either. She is as big a Disneyholic as I am and would jump at the chance to do this on a Disney ship.

And if your in-laws go along, I would let them know that dinning together is optional and don't feel guilty spending some 'away time from the in-laws'. This is your special time don't let them ruin it.

Just make sure you explain the same story to all the parties involved. If you single out just the problem people they will probably figure it out. When you are eating every dinner with other people in your party.

 

[SamandWill1921]

Honestly, I don't understand why you'd bring anyone so negative on vacation. It's probably hard enough to deal with them when you HAVE to (holidays, birthdays, etc) so why being them in an expensive vacation where you want to have fun and relax? I'd do a vow renewal on a beach or something or by a lake or wherever, have a nice small dinner, and then go on a cruise by yourselves. Life is too shorty to deal with other people's drama. Your only going away for a few days. Just go and enjoy yourselves.

I understand where you are coming from, and that idea is still being thrown around. But after reading Trip Reports, and seeing photos we really have our hearts set on a DCL ceremony. But like I said before, no matter what idea we throw out there (and believe me this is a discussion every Sunday night at dinner) they shut it down and find SOMETHING wrong with it. But then have no ideas or inputs of their own. My MIL always says "it's you're thing, you plan it" (ie she doesn't want to do any research or give it any thought). So we have decided to do what WE want and if they really hate it that much they have the option of not attending, but that's not like them at all. Trust me it's not that I WANT to vacation with these people, it's that I have no way of not inviting them to another "wedding".

 

[cruisinwithmaandpa]

If my DS and DIL invited us on a cruise, but then didn't want to eat dinner together, I would be hurt greatly. The way you are describing it I would do the following:

1. Invite the family to a vow renewal at WDW.
2. Then just the two of you take the cruise as part of a honeymoon celebration.

Otherwise, dinner is only two hours and just deal with it. After dinner you have plenty of time to be alone.

 

[luv2sleep]

I understand where you are coming from, and that idea is still being thrown around. But after reading Trip Reports, and seeing photos we really have our hearts set on a DCL ceremony. But like I said before, no matter what idea we throw out there (and believe me this is a discussion every Sunday night at dinner) they shut it down and find SOMETHING wrong with it. But then have no ideas or inputs of their own. My MIL always says "it's you're thing, you plan it" (ie she doesn't want to do any research or give it any thought). So we have decided to do what WE want and if they really hate it that much they have the option of not attending, but that's not like them at all. Trust me it's not that I WANT to vacation with these people, it's that I have no way of not inviting them to another "wedding".

Do the vow renewal again on DCL with just the two of you.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Personally, I think if people are going to spend an obscene amount of money to share in your special day (and remember, a 5 year vow renewal is really only special to you), then I think you have an obligation to at least spend dinners with them - at a minimum. I would make an exception for maybe one night at Palo.

You don't have to spend all day with them. On my family cruise, we often split up during the day, and came together at dinner. Dinner is only a couple of hours out of the day. You can be an adult and deal with the in-laws.

If you really don't like their attitudes, then you need to have a private event and not invite them. But, you invite them, you are their host and should eat dinner with them.

 

[luv2sleep]

Personally, I think if people are going to spend an obscene amount of money to share in your special day (and remember, a 5 year vow renewal is really only special to you), then I think you have an obligation to at least spend dinners with them - at a minimum. I would make an exception for maybe one night at Palo.

You don't have to spend all day with them. On my family cruise, we often split up during the day, and came together at dinner. Dinner is only a couple of hours out of the day. You can be an adult and deal with the in-laws.

If you really don't like their attitudes, then you need to have a private event and not invite them. But, you invite them, you are their host and should eat dinner with them.

I agree. If you invite them, you have to spend time with them. I'd be upset if my son and DIL treated me like that and avoided me too. Again, personally I wouldn't bring them. Vacations shouldn't be filled with misery.

 

[Started With a Mouse]

Don't bring them. Period. If you decide that, I promise you a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. A vow renewal is between you and your husband. Show them pictures when you return.

 

[kcashner]

Samantha, your post number 27 looks like a good plan. Hope it all works out for you to enjoy a special time with your husband and that whatever happens with the other family members, it is a time of dignity and respect. Sounds like you are on your way!

 

[codex57]

Honestly, why bring them?

It's years away, right? Plans change. Then, at that time, book the trip but say it was "last minute".

If they manage to book it last minute too, don't link the reservations. Lots of people don't realize you can do this, or think it's some magical thing the TA can do when you book thru the same one at the same time. We're going with friends and I'm the only one who knew we could link reservations even tho we're booked from different places. They thought we'd just have to meet up before and after dinner.

I'd also not tell them about the vow renewal. Less is more with some people.

 

[queenofeverything]

OK, I'm probably being rude here, but I was really on your side till I read this.

You have excellent reasons for wanting to do a vow renewal on board (or at WDW). But what I'm seeing is ways of manipulating the situation thru a series of lies/misrepresentations, etc. in order to get things the way you want them. You are talking about lying to the inlaws to get separate tables and pretend it was DCL's mistake, pretending to be seasick as an excuse to return to your room and manipulate DCL into sending an MDR meal to your room, etc.

Why not just deal with the situation honestly? I loved the poster who suggested telling them that if it wasn't worth complaining to DCL, it wasn't worth discussing at dinner.

You are only a couple of years into this marriage and relationship with these inlaws, with hopefully several decades to come. Being honest ("We don't want to hear complaints at dinner; if we can't all have pleasant conversation, we will eat elsewhere") may result in a much better long term basis for your relationship. Lies and deceit, no matter how good the intentions, are no way to build a family. And if you want them to like DCL, arranging things so they will be unhappy and blaming DCL is not the way to accomplish that goal.

I hope it works out and you have a great trip, but I also hope you find an honest way to achieve your objectives.

AMEN!!! I was very disturbed reading this thread until I read this post. Perhaps I see this from the other side, as we have been married for 30 years and I am a new Mother-in-law.

Please DON'T begin your marriage and relationship with your in-laws like this. Everyone has family members that can be difficult from time to time. Manipulation and lying just causes hard feelings and the truth ALWAYS comes out! You are now a family. Remember, when you married him, you married the whole gang!! Try to work things out honestly and shut them down (nicely) when they start to complain. Sorry to preach, I have seen too many families that no longer talk to each other because of stuff like this.