Am I an awful person?

[bumbershoot]

Please DON'T begin your marriage and relationship with your in-laws like this. Everyone has family members that can be difficult from time to time. Manipulation and lying just causes hard feelings and the truth ALWAYS comes out!

Unless of course you marry into a family where lies and manipulation are the standard. Then, I can tell you that being open and honest will destroy you. There is no "always" here; families are different, with weird dynamics sometimes, and I bet telling the in laws "you guys are huge complainers and make us miserable and we're only inviting you because we had a solo wedding that you weren't invited to and couldn't figure out a way to exclude you from this, too" would NOT result in sunshine, daisies, and happiness.

Why not just deal with the situation honestly? I loved the poster who suggested telling them that if it wasn't worth complaining to DCL, it wasn't worth discussing at dinner.

That's still not being *honest*, though. It's covering up how they really feel with something kinder and more socially acceptable. It's doing the "pass the bean dip" method of dealing with difficult people.

If you're already doing that, might as well *also* use the "hey, be romantic and have a table for 2" method. That way at least gets them thinking about having a romantic time, which might help them enjoy the cruise a bit more. Or at least more than if the OP and her husband were *honest* with them...

5.) Not be overly concerned whether or not they are having a good time, and not let their complaints ruin the entire cruise. There is plenty to do, if they choose to stay in their stateroom and drink the entire time and then complain about how boring the ship is, it's their money, not mine. It's MY vow renewal, and I WILL enjoy it.

Yes indeedy. You guys already were strong with having the wedding you wanted. Now have the VR you want. She can't come up with anything she might like that you can ponder? Then she's fired, LOL. My MIL refused to help, too, when I was planning the big white poofy wedding DH begged for (I wanted Vegas) (I've been planning our MY WAY renewal since we were having our first dance at the wedding). If only I'd fired her from my head. I compromised for her, I compromised for my stepdad, I compromised for what I thought my husband wanted (he wanted the big poofy wedding then whenever I'd ask him what he wanted he would become Mr Typical Groom).... bah. Life's too short. If people don't have ideas, then they can deal with the ideas you come up with.

 

[Silverfox97]

When we lived in Ohio & decided to have a destination wedding with just us, our parents, my brother & a maid of honor & best man at Disney, my mother in law was pissed. She said she was devastated. We got married in June of 2005 & the Christmas before, she told us she cried every night. She tried to manipulate my DH by telling him that she wanted us to have a traditional wedding so that everyone else could see how proud she was. She had my father in law try to talk us out of it. My DH wouldn't stand up to his overbearing family EVER. But I could & did. We had our Disney wedding. Fast forward a little over a year later at my baby shower in Jan 2007. We were moving to Tampa over my maternity leave (baby due March 2007). She told my Mom she was on Valium (mind you we lived 2 hours away from our families in Ohio anyways) because of the wedding & now the move........

Now, our relationship is excellent! The medication helped her, but I believe so did my attitude My DH stands up to his family when needed now - something he NEVER did. We live in FL & our families in Ohio but text, email & FaceTime several times a week. They come every Thanksgiving & I look forward to spending time with my mother in law! We will go shopping a lot "just the girls."We were together for 7 years before we got married & have been married for 7 years. My point is that things CAN change for the better sometimes. Include them. Be honest & firm, but do it nicely. Don't lie or manipulate or be fake. Hopefully, they will respect you for it.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[disneymagicgirl]

When my DH's mother and stepfather came on the Magic, I just didn't even mention dinner or linking ressies. They booked on their own and us on our own. Needless to say we were not on the same dinner rotation and they didn't even realize it would have been an option.

 

[sambycat]

Um...... Ok..... Doesn't OUR parents equal YOUR mother in law?!?

Glad it has worked out in the end!

 

[jlwhitney]

It sounds like you are planning on inviting other people besides just them. If everyong that comes all sits in the same section of the dining room with same servers, wouldn't you want to be sitting with different people each night so they can celebrate with you.

Its like you act like they will be the only ones there.

 

[queenofeverything]

Unless of course you marry into a family where lies and manipulation are the standard. Then, I can tell you that being open and honest will destroy you. There is no "always" here; families are different, with weird dynamics sometimes, and I bet telling the in laws "you guys are huge complainers and make us miserable and we're only inviting you because we had a solo wedding that you weren't invited to and couldn't figure out a way to exclude you from this, too" would NOT result in sunshine, daisies, and happiness.

I think you misunderstood what I meant. Planning a trip with family is always stressful. Starting out the planning process considering lying and manipulation in order to assure you have a good time sounds like a recipe for disaster. Life is too short. If anyone complains about the trip that the op would like for their renewal, best to leave them at home.

That said, I'm not really sure this is the kind of topic that should be discussed on these boards.

 

[JimGA]

Here's the deal:

My DH and I want to do a vow renewal on DCL for our 5 year anniversary. Even though it's still a few years away I can't get it out of my mind. We are going to invite family but we don't really want to eat dinner with them every night that week. My in-laws are the kind of people that will find anything to complain about. They don't really like the idea of a Disney Cruise but would come begrudgingly for a vow renewal. I don't want my dining room experience tainted by their constant need to find fault in anything and everything.

Is it wrong and selfish of us to request that we don't sit with them for dinner after they paid so much to come on a cruise for us? How would I even handle that? I can't exactly say "we don't want to sit with you because you're negative, pessimistic jerks" even though that's what it comes down to. I was thinking telling them that who we sit with is just a request and when we aren't with them have a "whoops, oh well" attitude.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? Or how would you if you were in this situation?

Just a thought, hopefully the in-laws like to eat early or late? Hopefully they will want to be at an early seating, if so, you book the second seating at dinner for your prefered choice, or vice versa. Then you can have you one night with them at dinner at Palo or Remy. No feelings are hurt and nothing has to be said.

 

[SamandWill1921]

"you guys are huge complainers and make us miserable and we're only inviting you because we had a solo wedding that you weren't invited to and couldn't figure out a way to exclude you from this, too" would NOT result in sunshine, daisies, and happiness.

This poster hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how we feel and it would not go over well at all. We CAN'T just not invite them, we already caused family therapy with the wedding. The main reason we are doing this is because they want us to do a VR. So we are willing to spend our money to give them one because of the grief we were given over the wedding. We have pondered a WDW ceremony but REALLY have our heart set on CC and like I said before, no matter what we suggest, they hate it.

Here's just an example of what I go through:
(Please don't turn this into a debate of any kind)
My in-laws label themselves "liberal atheists" and I have no problem with that at all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I have never once said a bad word about their belief system, nor have I tried to push my views onto them. I think of myself as a politically neutral christian, and they DO have a problem with that. They openly mock me while I am trying to say a silent, discreet prayer before I start eating. Then my FIL and his brother dominate the entire dinner conversation and do nothing but speak ill of all other views but their own. Then they get into what a crock the healthcare system is (I'm a nurse) and all the while I sit there and suck it up, bite my tongue, and try not to burst into tears. Can you blame me for not wanting this at my VR or wedding for that matter?

My DH put it very well last night when he said:
"My Dad is the kind of guy who if he gets it in his head that he's not going to have a good time, he will go out of his way to make sure he doesn't have a good time."

Yes, there will be other people there. But not like 40 people, like 10. So we can sit at the other end of the table but they are all pretty much the same.

I posted this thread to try to get some advice from people who may have been in my situation with difficult in-laws, and I have been given some very good advice, so I thank you all for that. I know you can't post anything on here without getting flamed by someone so I expected such comments and I understand where they are coming from.

 

[luv2sleep]

That sounds miserable. No way I'd want that on vacation. Can you do 2 vow renewals? One with the family shoreside and one privately for the two of you on the ship?

 

[Mortlives]

It sounds like you need to address this long before you get to the vow renewal. You and your DH both need to draw clear boundaries. The ILs are not allowed to denigrate your beliefs or profession while you are sitting right there. From now on, I would suggest you get up and leave the minute it starts. Or, if they are at your house, throw them out. They don't have the right to an audience; stop being one when they are being ugly.

If they can be taught how to behave respectfully, you won't have any trouble by the time you get to the ship.

 

[RedSox68]

Where does your husband stand in all this? Is he as frustrated with his parents as you are? Does he feel the same about ducking out and making excuses? If so, then he should also speak up and take some of the burden about what plans to make

 

[WanderlustNZ]

Firstly, can I say that I feel for you. My IL's are separated, and while I get on extremely well with one half, the other half (and partner) have always made me feel like I'm not good enough for my DH. It is not a nice situation to be in, and I can understand how it can make decisions such as trips away together stressful.

While I admire people's suggestions of telling your IL's how you feel, I also think there's a point where you 'can't teach an old dog new tricks'. If someone has been a grumpy curmudgeon their whole life, this isn't going to change just because their less-than-perfect DIL tells them so. I know if I faced up to my IL's about their various insults over the years, I would simply provide them with even more reasons to dislike me.

In saying all this, I do believe that you need to spend time with them on the cruise. Avoiding them will just make you feel guilty, them grumpy, and at the end no one will be happy.
What I do think, however, is that a week away is too long. You've obviously fell in love with the idea of a cruise on the Fantasy, but it makes no sense to book something you really want to do if it's ultimately just going to bring you more stress than happiness. If like you say, the VR is really only for the sake of family harmony, then it shouldn't matter where you have it. I think you have to accept that this is simply one of those cases where 'you can't have your cake and eat it too'. Have your VR in a park near home and then go on a cruise on your own at a later date.
If you really can't shake the idea of Castaway Cay, my advice is to look at the Dream instead as the cruises are shorter. Do a VR on a 3 or 4 night cruise instead and then do another cruise straight after it, just your DH and you, for a VR honeymoon. Explain to your inlaws that you would like to spend time as a group, but you would also like some time alone at the end. Also, you might also be able to argue that a shorter cruise will make the holiday more affordable for all guests coming along. Anyone who has the money to stay on longer can travel to WDW and spend a few nights there. Those who are strapped for cash or leave time from work can head home after about four days.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

 

[SamandWill1921]

Where does your husband stand in all this? Is he as frustrated with his parents as you are? Does he feel the same about ducking out and making excuses? If so, then he should also speak up and take some of the burden about what plans to make

Yes, my husband is just as upset as I am. But right now, his parents are paying for his college education. And Heaven forbid he has an opinion about anything that differs from theirs, even if it's the way they treat his wife, they will pull his funding. He has stood up for me before and we were stuck paying for $600 in books for the semester because they didn't care for what he had to say. So for the sake of my husband's education and our future, I keep my mouth shut.... for now.

 

[jlwhitney]

This is just an idea:

Why not do a Sat to Sat Caribbean Cruise, then have your family join you in port canaveral at the end of your cruise and do a 4 night VR cruise with them (departs sunday)

This way you get your VR at CC with them. This way its a shorter cruise, you still had your vacation with just your hubby.

-or-

Do the opposite: do a a 4night VR cruise, disemabark on Thursday and had to WDW till Sat (whether you invite the family along or not is your call for WDW) and then do the 7 night cruise.

Since it sounds like your inlaws dont care what you plan, in theory they shouldnt care if the cruise is 4 night or 7 night.

Bonus for you: you get to be on both the dream and fantasy, see different shows, and such.

 

[queenofeverything]

This poster hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how we feel and it would not go over well at all. We CAN'T just not invite them, we already caused family therapy with the wedding. The main reason we are doing this is because they want us to do a VR. So we are willing to spend our money to give them one because of the grief we were given over the wedding. We have pondered a WDW ceremony but REALLY have our heart set on CC and like I said before, no matter what we suggest, they hate it.

Here's just an example of what I go through:
(Please don't turn this into a debate of any kind)
My in-laws label themselves "liberal atheists" and I have no problem with that at all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I have never once said a bad word about their belief system, nor have I tried to push my views onto them. I think of myself as a politically neutral christian, and they DO have a problem with that. They openly mock me while I am trying to say a silent, discreet prayer before I start eating. Then my FIL and his brother dominate the entire dinner conversation and do nothing but speak ill of all other views but their own. Then they get into what a crock the healthcare system is (I'm a nurse) and all the while I sit there and suck it up, bite my tongue, and try not to burst into tears. Can you blame me for not wanting this at my VR or wedding for that matter?

My DH put it very well last night when he said:
"My Dad is the kind of guy who if he gets it in his head that he's not going to have a good time, he will go out of his way to make sure he doesn't have a good time."

Yes, there will be other people there. But not like 40 people, like 10. So we can sit at the other end of the table but they are all pretty much the same.

I posted this thread to try to get some advice from people who may have been in my situation with difficult in-laws, and I have been given some very good advice, so I thank you all for that. I know you can't post anything on here without getting flamed by someone so I expected such comments and I understand where they are coming from.

Wow, you have my deepest sympathy for having to deal with a situation such as this. It does sound like you are in a difficult position. With this much thought and advanced planning I am sure you will come up with a solution!! Good luck!

 

[Kbrush]

Hi
I feel a bit reluctant to add my two cents but... A cruise is very expensive and really traps everybody together in a rather small space for several days. Also, getting Disney to do the ceremony is also expensive. I think you should unhitch the magical cruise with your spouse from the vow renewal with the family!

Could you not simply do the renewal close to home and have a really nice reception dinner with perhaps dancing? That is pretty much all anyone would have gotten with a wedding. It would give them the sense of ceremony but would all be over in a few hours.

That way you could also invite more of your friends or family as well. And more people would drown out the in laws. Indeed, you could tell the ILs that you decided to just have a local celebration instead of a destination VR because so many of your friends also were sad they had not had a chance to celebrate the wedding.

If you still want to do something special on CC you still could just the two of you, or just you and whoever you really want to be with. You would not need to advertise the second VR to the inlays.

You might even think about having a VR and reception sooner than 5 years. If the parents were really upset about the wedding it might be best to give them a celebration as soon as possible.

Good Luck!

 

[jdb in AZ]

Yes, my husband is just as upset as I am. But right now, his parents are paying for his college education. And Heaven forbid he has an opinion about anything that differs from theirs, even if it's the way they treat his wife, they will pull his funding. He has stood up for me before and we were stuck paying for $600 in books for the semester because they didn't care for what he had to say. So for the sake of my husband's education and our future, I keep my mouth shut.... for now.

Will your DH graduate before the vow renewal?

 

[kimb96]

IMO, it would be extremely rude to invite anyone to a vow renawal at considerable expense to them and not have dinner with them. I can see a night for the 2 of you at Palo but IMO you need to be gracious to all your guests and have dinner with them. I would plan on everyone doing their own thing during the day and meeting at dinner. Disney cruises are fabulous. I loved it and had a blast. Even a couple of grouch in laws could not spoil the magic of a disney cruise for me.

 

[briarrose1]

It sounds like, and from what you've written, that you are having a vow renewal FOR them when it's your marriage. This I don't understand. If these people are unable to be pleased, no matter, why try?

A marriage is between two people. Did you have a celebration, dinner, etc, after you were married? And anyway, many people go off and have a private wedding. So what? People who love them should be happy for them and hopeful of a happy MARRIAGE, not the wedding.

I think there are bigger issues at hand other than who doesn't like what. Weddings and funerals bring out the best and worst in people. If THEY have issues with how you were married, let them have them. Maybe stop trying to appease them. And if your husband has a problem dealing with his family, therein lies a big portion of the problem. The minute YOU speak up to HIS family, that's when troubles could really start. You will be labeled the bad guy. I have found through experience it's best for each person to speak to his/her own family.

Good luck with everything.

 

[SleepyDeb]

I think your family has bigger issues than a bunch of strangers can give you advice on. There are some majorly dysfunctional dynamics going on, none of which can be solved with a cruise. I recommend finding a good family therapist.