7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[Mom_Rides]

I agree with this. If you wait until the baby is born, there is a possibility that your husband may prevent you from returning to Canada with the baby. However, if you go before the baby is born, he can't force you to stay in California or return once the baby is born.

Consider not putting his name on the baby's birth certificate. This would make it harder for your husband to gain any sort of custody, although it sounds like he doesn't want any.

THIS! My sister was engaged, found out she was pregnant and her SOB fiancé said he had been cheating on her and didn't want a thing to do with the baby. DH and I advised her to cut ties immediately, not place his name on the birth certificate and to break all ties with him and his family. My stepmom (her mom) told her she had to do the right thing by keeping him informed and she did. Now she's going through heck with this jerk who constantly takes her back to court for this that and the other and is living a state away and got the courts to give him regular visitation of which my sister has to drive 5 hours to accommodate him with.

Protect yourself and your son. You will make it through this! You'll be in my prayers. Giant HUGS!

 

[Imzadi]

In California it's half.

The Betty Broderick case I just mentioned above, where the husband was able to drain all their joint assets in the "failed business deal" that actually went to his brother, happened in San Diego, CA.

In addition to that, this is what Wikipedia says about further money they had together.

At the time, Dan was paying Betty $9,000, and then later $16,000, per month in alimony, and was living with Linda Kolkena. Throughout it all, Betty was hopeful that Dan would come to his senses and return home.

The long drawn-out Broderick divorce was finalized in 1989, four years after Dan filed for it. By many accounts, Dan dragged the divorce out for four years on purpose. In California, there was a little-known legal concept called "Epstein credits" which worked to thwart any financial settlement entitled to Betty. By the time the divorce trial came to fruition, because of Epstein credits, Betty's share of community property had been substantially reduced. Epstein credits are a provision under California divorce law which says that the supporting spouse (in this case Dan) may charge the dependent spouse (Betty) for one-half of all community debts accumulated – not from the date of divorce, but from the date of separation. If there is a substantial amount of time (in the interim), a dependent spouse may actually accumulate enough Epstein credits to effectively cancel out any share of the community property which might have been forthcoming had the divorce been finalized immediately after separation.

In the case of the Brodericks, legal maneuverings and delays postponed the divorce trial incident after incident. At the divorce trial, Betty represented herself without an attorney. In what many believed was outrageously unfair and what only solidified Dan's clout in the local legal arena, the Broderick divorce trial was completely sealed off from the public at Dan's request. The courtroom door windows were covered up with paper. At the end of the eight day trial, Judge William Howatt accepted all of Dan's proposed numbers and ruled that Betty owed Dan $750,000 in Epsteins and cash advances, all accrued between the time Dan moved out and the date the divorce was final on January 30, 1989. In the end, Dan Broderick, multi-millionaire and the father of Betty's four children, was ordered to pay his wife of 20 years less than $30,000 in cash. In addition, Dan was re-awarded custody of the children. Betty was completely devastated and felt that her life was over. . .

I am NOT saying the OP's divorce will end up as any thing as sensationalistic or dramatic as the Brodericks. Betty Broderick, at the time of her split was once an obscure, unknown wife & mother, too. But, if her DH and his MIL join together in fighting for custody, the MIL may give him extra money to hire a really good attorney to draw out court proceedings and knows various loop-holes in the system.

Just because the CA law says assets are split in half, it may not be necessarily so. If the OP's DH drags out the divorce proceedings, drags out the sale of the house, sues for custody out of spite, knowing she can't pay legal fees to fight him, where is she going to get money to pay for all of this, AND Take care of herself and baby, too?

She also just said she's only been at her job since Feb. That doesn't sound so secure to me. If her job ends up cutting back on people, usually they let the last people hired go.

So in the future, she could end up with a U.S. baby which the father & MIL are fighting legal battle for so she can't leave the country, no job, no healthcare, no support system and no home she can really afford.

The OP has been blindsided by all this. The natural reaction is shock and to stop in place hoping the room & events stop spinning. Unfortunately, staying in place may not be the wise thing to do.

 

[brockash]

First of all, I"m so terribly sorry. This should be a happy time in your life. I know it's hard to see it now, but he & (I guess she) did you a huge favor. He sounds like a complete *** and the better you know now.

Get your ducks in a row, protect your financials, figure out where you want to go. Regardless of your parents having fun, if you were my kid, I would welcome you home with open arms. If you have a good relationship, I would imagine they would want you there if you need/want to be.

I don't know how that will work with different countries, if your DH will even want custody or sign off his rights. As hard as it is to see now, it's a blessing. Focus on your beautiful son and making him a loving home. I was a single mom w/my 1st and it can be wonderful in many ways.

I agree. If you need to stay married until the baby is born, that's fine, do that, get all of your stuff in order, speak to an attorney, speak to your parents. I think you should go back and live in Canada. Yes, it really does suck for your baby that his dad is such an jerk, but you can't control that, all you can do is control you and your relationship with you child. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My mom went through the same thing when she was pregnant with my little sister, only she also had 2 little kids (there was even a 10 year age gap between my dad and his mistress, future wife), I'm not sure about the not wanting kid thing. Honestly, if you can get him to sign away his rights, I'd do it, and just cut ties, again yes it sucks for your kid, but you can't make your DH something he is not. You've gotta do what's best for your kiddo, and in this situation, getting away from your DH seems like the best thing, I'm somewhat going through something similar in my life right now. Sometimes I think marriage and men are just not worth it, good luck OP, and know your future will be better, it's just going to be a rough road for a little bit.

 

[lizabu]

The Betty Broderick case I just mentioned above, where the husband was able to drain all their joint assets in the "failed business deal" that actually went to his brother, happened in San Diego, CA.

In addition to that, this is what Wikipedia says about further money they had together.

​

Just because the CA law says assets are split in half, it may not be necessarily so. If the OP's DH drags out the divorce proceedings, drags out the sale of the house, sues for custody out of spite, knowing she can't pay legal fees to fight him, where is she going to get money to pay for all of this, AND Take care of herself and baby, too?

She also just said she's only been at her job since Feb. That doesn't sound so secure to me. If her job ends up cutting back on people, usually they let the last people hired go.

So in the future, she could end up with a U.S. baby which the father & MIL are fighting legal battle for so she can't leave the country, no job, no healthcare, no support system and no home she can really afford.

The OP has been blindsided by all this. The natural reaction is shock and to stop in place hoping the room & events stop spinning. Unfortunately, staying in place may not be the wise thing to do.

I agree. Just starting the job in Feb and then having to go on maternity leave so soon after starting the job make things pretty shaky. Once the baby is born in California it's a US citizen which makes things tricky. Once the baby is born the ex can stop OP from leaving. I would head right home so you can get your 3 months in before the baby comes. You can hired a lawyer in California who can work out the sale of your home and assets. He can phone you and get your signature for things through registured mail and send you documents by fax. Take the cats with you when you go because if you leave them you will probably never see them again. Once the baby is born in Canada go to court and get the custody and support stuff settled.

 

[dakcp2001]

Call your parents, tell them everything then LAWYER UP. I know you are emotional right now, so let me be clear. Do not tell your husband what you plan to do. Call the BEST lawyer you can find and start documenting everything. I would go home to your parents as soon as you can. Let him and his little 19 year old have each other, sounds like a ticking time bomb.

Hugs to you, so sorry for all you are going through. No one deserves what he did to you. It is better to know now than after the baby gets here. Get outta dodge and have your lawyer handle the rest.

 

[Bell30012]

Get the attorney ASAP. Your attorney will take it from there. You are entitled to support! Oh yes, he will be paying.

 

[tigercat]

Nothing more to add just wanted to send you some hugs.
tigercat

 

[Imzadi]

Call your parents, tell them everything then LAWYER UP. I know you are emotional right now, so let me be clear. Do not tell your husband what you plan to do. Call the BEST lawyer you can find and start documenting everything. I would go home to your parents as soon as you can. Let him and his little 19 year old have each other, sounds like a ticking time bomb.

Hugs to you, so sorry for all you are going through. No one deserves what he did to you. It is better to know now than after the baby gets here. Get outta dodge and have your lawyer handle the rest.

Yes, if she decides to go to Canada, it would be reasonable for her to say she wants to VISIT her parents & family before the baby is born. this has been a stressful situation & she just needs to see her family for a bit. Then once she's there, she can tell him she has decided to stay up there with the baby.

 

[suzcruz]

& take the cats with you!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Talk to a lawyer.
My advice would be to go back to Canada and take the cats with you when you go.
Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate or your life will be hell.

 

[mrsklamc]

Sometimes I think marriage and men are just not worth it

It is if you get a man. Unfortunately man in this context is not the same thing as 'one who is capable of producing sperm and shaving.

I would head right home so you can get your 3 months in before the baby comes. .

Well, she's seven months in so the math on that unfortunately doesn't work out quite right. But she should find out if that applies to the province her parents live in.

Also, leaving him off the BC won't do any good. If he's your husband, paternity will be assumed even if you leave him off the BC.

 

[Art 1]

The title says it all really. I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child and I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for a little over a year. I honestly don't know what to do with myself - I keep going from angry to heartbroken to confused...it's all just such a mess. What do I do now?

Some of the details I found out from him:

-The girl he's having the affair with just turned 19 and just started her first year in college. That's right, she was literally JUST 18 when the affair started and was still in high school. She lives in another state and is the daughter of a friend of the family - DH has only actually met her three times when the family came to visit. The affair was mostly emotional, but there were aspects of it conducted over Skype, and things were physical when they saw each other (although he says they never slept together). DH and I are 29, so there's a 10 year age gap.

-This girl has some severe mental issues going on. She suffers from severe depression, has been known to self-harm and has tried to kill herself once. Since she found out I found out about the affair (literally about 24 hours), she's sent me the most evil text messages - telling me I should just kill myself rather than be a single mother, that I must be pathetic that my husband would cheat on me, etc. I showed them to DH, stupidly thinking he couldn't know how horrible she could be - he basically didn't care.

-This baby was unplanned, and where I grew to be excited over time, DH has made it clear from the beginning he didn't really want him. He blames me because I was on the pill, and he thinks I must have forgotten to take it or something. When I was confronting him about the affair, he said that he felt like his life was going to be over, that he would always resent me for getting pregnant (he takes no responsibility for this, like it was an immaculate conception or something) etc. I feel so, so terrible for my baby boy that his father could say things like that about him

-All my family lives in a small town in Canada, whereas DH and I (and all his family) live in California. I haven't told anyone about this yet because I don't know what to do. My parents are comfortable financially and I know they would take me back in a heartbeat, but my father just retired and they're having a great time travelling and enjoying each others company - I'd hate to impose upon them with a newborn baby. DH and I own a house, and if we divorce I should get half of everything, but that wouldn't happen overnight.

-For those wondering what DH wants to do (if anyone is still reading), he says he's miserable with me and would be miserable with a baby - and that this girl makes him happy. But then he tells me he can't bring himself to divorce me and regardless, I'm on his health insurance and we need to stay married until the baby gets here. I just can't believe he could choose to leave his wife and unborn child for a relationship with a college freshman! When I asked if the affair had been continuous for the last year, he admitted that it hadn't, and they'd had ups and downs because she could be cruel and hurtful at times. I can't put into words how horrible it makes me feel that he would choose this person over me - how bad am I that he would pick someone like that instead?

I think that's it - like I said, I haven't told anyone this stuff so this is the first time I've gotten it all out like this. I should add I am a regular Diser, but this is all such a nightmare, I'd rather not have it linked to my normal account at this point.

I don't know what I'm looking for here to be honest - I guess advice on what to do next. I know there have been threads like this in the past so I know there must be other Disers out there that have been through something similar, although I hope they are few and far between, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

I am a dad. You need to call your dad, not your mum but your dad. He will know what to do. I know what you need to do and I'm sure he will tell you the same.

 

[bankgirl05]

OP, I feel for you... I wish you strength and peace...

I'm not sure if this is the same state to state, but when I was preparing to leave my husband, my attorney advised me to take half of all of our liquid assets and put them into a single name account that he could not touch. He actually told me I could take alll the cash out if I wanted, since they were joint accounts and each of us had equal rights, but that would make me look nasty, so he suggested I just take half, before the ex got a hold of it. Also told me to take anything of any personal, emotional value out the day I leave, so as not to have to battle over it later. Start shipping things you would like to have to your parents. Or have them come visit and take things with them if you acn not leave immediately. I forgot a box of "highschool momentos" and did have to have it included in the divorce proceedings... jerk, like what would he want with my yearbooks, scrapbooks, trophies etc.???

I walked away from our house and everything we owned together, because in the end it was just "things" and my peace of mind was so much more important.

Like someone said, document everything, keep a notebook, with dates, conversations etc. If he wants to come to collect things, I suggest having a friend or neighbor over "for coffee" while he is going to be there so that you are not forced to engage in unpleasantness.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Peanut Giggleface]

I'm so sorry this happened. Something similar happened to my mom while she was carrying me. They were engaged, she found out she was pregnant with me and told fiance. He said he didn't want kids and didn't want me then broke the engagement off. He gave my mom money for an abortion and hit the road. We never saw or heard from him again, I never got to meet him and have never had a father in my life. That's not a sob story. I've had a great life and am glad my mom chose to give me life.

As painful as this is for you, I would pack your bags and anything important to you and go home. Your parents will want you with them - not living with that piece of ****. You will have healthcare in Canada and time to find a new Dr. Besides, with a new grandbaby on the way, my guess is your parents will be delighted to have you and to be able to love on that new baby. I'd make this move ASAP because the more you wait the harder it's going to be to do this. As big as you feel now, is nothing compared to what you're gonna feel like in another 4-6 weeks. Move now while you're still physically able. Once you're there get an attorney and let him tell the POS you're not coming back. Get moving honey - you can do this!!!

 

[punkin]

I am a dad. You need to call your dad, not your mum but your dad. He will know what to do. I know what you need to do and I'm sure he will tell you the same.

At first I wanted to take issue with this, but if it was me, I know my mother would have asked me if there is anything I could do to patch things up whereas my step father would have told me to leave the SOB and come home immediately...and...I think my first reaction if it was my DD would also be to try and figure out something while DH would probably say "leave the SOB and come home immediately." Women GENERALLY try to salvage relationships and in this case, there's nothing to salvage.

Call your parents. Get a US lawyer. Go home before the baby is born (take the cats if you can). Not putting him on the birth certificate is not going to help you if he wants to fight custody. You were married and he can demand a paternity test. It will just cost him extra money and time, but the outcome will be the same-he is the father and therefore has some rights. It is however, much harder to assert those rights across an international border. If you have the baby in California he will legally be able to keep the child in the US. On the other hand, he has no authority over you and as long as that baby is in your body - you can do whatever you want.

GO HOME TO YOUR PARENTS! NOW!!!!

 

[Tinijocaro]

I'm so sorry for you. You will get through this and maybe in time, find a real man who can be a great daddy for your boy.

Do not trust this man (I hesitate to use the word man, boy actually comes to mind). Do not trust him, do not trust him. Cover your ***, get finances together, get a lawyer. Do not trust him or anything he says when the divorce is going down.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you!! I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I don't have any advice. My heart just aches for you.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I agree with this. If you wait until the baby is born, there is a possibility that your husband may prevent you from returning to Canada with the baby. However, if you go before the baby is born, he can't force you to stay in California or return once the baby is born.

Consider not putting his name on the baby's birth certificate. This would make it harder for your husband to gain any sort of custody, although it sounds like he doesn't want any.

I AGREE!! Id go to Canada before the baby is born. If you wait til you have the baby, you will have a much harder time getting into Canada with the baby. Id also not put his name on the birth cert. Looks like he doesnt care either way. very sad. I wouldnt stick around and stay with someone who made it clear he wants someone else. If he wants to leave i'd hold the door open for him. You deserve far better. believe that!

As for your folks. Please dont think you cant go home just because your parents are partying it up right now. They want whats best for you. Im sure they'd take you with open arms. Besides im sure they can still travel even with you living there.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S2 using DISBoards App

 

[Seahunt]

I am so sorry for you. Deja vu - I recently watched a 48 hours episode about a missing Canadian mom that sounds so much like your situation it gives me goosebumps.

His statements AND a crazy girlfriend? I agree with everyone who says GO GO GO. I don't think you can be too safe. Please take care.

 

[goofinoff]

I haven't read through the whole thread, just the first page, so I apologize if this has already been said. One of the first things I thought of was your pregnancy. This is going to be a very stressful time for you and could very well have an effect on your pregnancy. You need to call your doctor, get an appointment and explain to him/her what is happening in your life. He/she may want to keep a closer eye on you during this. My sister in law lost her first husband when she was 8 months pregnant. While it's not the same situation, it's still stress. You have to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and your baby! You need to eat regularly and get plenty of rest. I know it's going to be difficult to sleep and eat when you're upset but you are not just taking care of yourself now!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's supposed to be a happy time.

(Promise me you will see the doctor and that you will take care of yourself! Ok?)

Your Dis family will keep an eye on you!!