7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by TRK0011, Sep 27, 2012.

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  1. TRK0011

    TRK0011 Earning My Ears

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    The title says it all really. I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child and I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for a little over a year. I honestly don't know what to do with myself - I keep going from angry to heartbroken to confused...it's all just such a mess. What do I do now?

    Some of the details I found out from him:

    -The girl he's having the affair with just turned 19 and just started her first year in college. That's right, she was literally JUST 18 when the affair started and was still in high school. She lives in another state and is the daughter of a friend of the family - DH has only actually met her three times when the family came to visit. The affair was mostly emotional, but there were aspects of it conducted over Skype, and things were physical when they saw each other (although he says they never slept together). DH and I are 29, so there's a 10 year age gap.

    -This girl has some severe mental issues going on. She suffers from severe depression, has been known to self-harm and has tried to kill herself once. Since she found out I found out about the affair (literally about 24 hours), she's sent me the most evil text messages - telling me I should just kill myself rather than be a single mother, that I must be pathetic that my husband would cheat on me, etc. I showed them to DH, stupidly thinking he couldn't know how horrible she could be - he basically didn't care.

    -This baby was unplanned, and where I grew to be excited over time, DH has made it clear from the beginning he didn't really want him. He blames me because I was on the pill, and he thinks I must have forgotten to take it or something. When I was confronting him about the affair, he said that he felt like his life was going to be over, that he would always resent me for getting pregnant (he takes no responsibility for this, like it was an immaculate conception or something) etc. I feel so, so terrible for my baby boy that his father could say things like that about him :sad:

    -All my family lives in a small town in Canada, whereas DH and I (and all his family) live in California. I haven't told anyone about this yet because I don't know what to do. My parents are comfortable financially and I know they would take me back in a heartbeat, but my father just retired and they're having a great time travelling and enjoying each others company - I'd hate to impose upon them with a newborn baby. DH and I own a house, and if we divorce I should get half of everything, but that wouldn't happen overnight.

    -For those wondering what DH wants to do (if anyone is still reading), he says he's miserable with me and would be miserable with a baby - and that this girl :rolleyes2 makes him happy. But then he tells me he can't bring himself to divorce me and regardless, I'm on his health insurance and we need to stay married until the baby gets here. I just can't believe he could choose to leave his wife and unborn child for a relationship with a college freshman! When I asked if the affair had been continuous for the last year, he admitted that it hadn't, and they'd had ups and downs because she could be cruel and hurtful at times. I can't put into words how horrible it makes me feel that he would choose this person over me - how bad am I that he would pick someone like that instead? :sad:

    I think that's it - like I said, I haven't told anyone this stuff so this is the first time I've gotten it all out like this. I should add I am a regular Diser, but this is all such a nightmare, I'd rather not have it linked to my normal account at this point.

    I don't know what I'm looking for here to be honest - I guess advice on what to do next. I know there have been threads like this in the past so I know there must be other Disers out there that have been through something similar, although I hope they are few and far between, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
     
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  3. StephMK

    StephMK DIS Veteran

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    First of all, I"m so terribly sorry. This should be a happy time in your life. I know it's hard to see it now, but he & (I guess she) did you a huge favor. He sounds like a complete *** and the better you know now.

    Get your ducks in a row, protect your financials, figure out where you want to go. Regardless of your parents having fun, if you were my kid, I would welcome you home with open arms. If you have a good relationship, I would imagine they would want you there if you need/want to be.

    I don't know how that will work with different countries, if your DH will even want custody or sign off his rights. As hard as it is to see now, it's a blessing. Focus on your beautiful son and making him a loving home. I was a single mom w/my 1st and it can be wonderful in many ways.
     
  4. abdmom

    abdmom DIS Veteran

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    I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure others will give good advice regarding this idiot of a husband you find yourself with. However, as a Canadian who used to live in the U.S., do NOT feel that you have to stay married until the baby gets here. You can move back to Canada and take advantage of our wonderful health care system. I found that Canada, with all of its social safety nets, is a much better place to be with young children.
     
  5. jp24

    jp24 Panic Ruminator

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    Wow, this sucks and I feel for you....but it sounds like they deserve each other. He will grow tired of her and he'll cheat on her too. I'd keep his son as far away from him as possible. Keep all text messages from her and him so when he wants to visit his son, you have ammo in court.

    It's hard to raise a kid on your own, but not impossible. Lean on your family and friends.
     
  6. usnuzuloose

    usnuzuloose DIS Veteran

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    Oh my gosh! My heart is broken for you! I would get myself into some counseling right away. If you have a pastor or clergy start there. You are going to need all the support you can get. I am praying for you. :grouphug:
     
  7. pigletgirl

    pigletgirl <font color=green>You do have a life. It is just i

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    Goodness, what a terrible situation that you've found yourself in! I don't have much advice to offer, however remain strong for your unborn son and yourself! You don't deserve to remain in agony. Any chance you'd be able to move home?
     
  8. SaraJayne

    SaraJayne <font color=red>Stop moving those smilies! <img sr

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    I'm so sorry. Other than knowing what I'd do, I have no advice, since I'm not you.

    But know the person you're married to is a piece of **** and doesn't deserve you or your baby. :hug::hug:
     
  9. threeboysmom

    threeboysmom Our life is what our thoughts make it

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    Wow. :(

    I don't have much to offer in way of advice. I'm sure others will chime in with their experiences and words of wisdom, but I did want you to know my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine the utter heartbreak & confusion & fear of the unknown you must be dealing with. :hug:
     
  10. ADisneyQueen

    ADisneyQueen DIS Veteran

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    Sorry you are going through this. I'd go back home to your parents. I don't know much about custody issues, but if you have the baby in CA does your husband have to sign something allowing you to take the baby out of state to live? You need to keep the baby away from the wacky girlfriend. I'd move back right away and start a new life. Prayers for you.
     
  11. SaraJayne

    SaraJayne <font color=red>Stop moving those smilies! <img sr

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    OP, I would move now while you are still pregnant, as overwhelming as that seems.

    You'll be able to use the Canadian healthcare system and not have to rely on his insurance. That is no reason to stay married until the baby is born.
     
  12. RitaE

    RitaE DIS Veteran

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    You know - I'll go out on a limb here.

    If it were me I'd go home to Mom and Dad for a bit while this works out. You don't need to be so far away with no emotional support and from what you write ..... I think your Mom and Dad would probably want you to go lean on them for awhile. If you were my daughter, I'd want you back home. It wouldn't be an imposition, it would be family.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  13. BearcatsFan

    BearcatsFan <font color=green>we finally had a minute to breat

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    No advice, just a heap of these :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  14. Andtototoo

    Andtototoo DIS Veteran

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    First of all, :grouphug:

    Second of all, reach out to the people who will support you. Don't be afraid to ask for help in this vulnerable time.

    Third of all, as Maya Angelou says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe what you see and hear and read. (I'd guess he embarked on this escapade with an emotionally unstable young woman to recapture a sense of recklessness associated with youth AND to force your hand to leave him. That way he's not responsible, just as he's not responsible - in his mind -- for the pregnancy. Be aware that he's probably going to shirk any responsibilities to his child in the future as well.)

    Fourth, focus on your priorites -- the health and well-being of your child and yourself. What do you have to do for the best possible outcome for both of you?

    Good luck.
     
  15. abdmom

    abdmom DIS Veteran

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    I agree with this. If you wait until the baby is born, there is a possibility that your husband may prevent you from returning to Canada with the baby. However, if you go before the baby is born, he can't force you to stay in California or return once the baby is born.

    Consider not putting his name on the baby's birth certificate. This would make it harder for your husband to gain any sort of custody, although it sounds like he doesn't want any.
     
  16. pampam

    pampam DIS Veteran

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    I'm not sure what you really want to do. Search your heart very carefully, and don't rush into a hasty decision. Take a sheet of paper, and list your options. Sometimes things are clearer when we see them on paper. There are pros and cons on every choice, so analyze it carefully. Do you qualify for legal aid? Perhaps that would be a good place to start.
     
  17. mtemm

    mtemm <font color=teal>Doubly blessed<br><font color=dar

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    (((HUGS))) my best advice is to take care of you and your baby first off. For me, that would mean getting into therapy immediately to help me deal with it (you can check psychology today's website for a therapist directory that can be very helpful, its how I ended up finding my therapist years ago. many take insurance if money is an issue and usually it is listed in their blurb).

    I went thru something similar (not pregnant, but had 3 young children when I found out dh was having an affair) several years ago and I found a book and website called divorce busting very helpful. people on boards like this were helpful for me, too, but it was really connecting to people who were in similar situations that really helped me heal/comes to terms with what was happening in my life and how to best cope/heal/progress forward.

    journal. its amazing to me what just spewing my thoughts, even if they were jumbled emotional messes at times, down on paper did for me. still does.

    good luck, and I wish you the best. keep the focus on you for now, not on him. he will make his own choices, you need to figure out what you need/want for yourself and your child with or without him.
     
  18. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Leave immediately and go to your parents. File for divorce. Be done with it. From what you explained, this man has no redeeming qualities and, if there are some buried in there, it's going to be a long time for them to surface.

    I am a parent. I can tell you, in a heartbeat, that I would be so upset if my adult child did not come to me over something like this. I don't care if I had every retirement dream getting ready to be fulfilled, I would not want my DD even wondering a MINUTE about what to do. If you have a good relationship with your parents and they've always come through for you, then go home now. You do not need this kind of strife at the end of your pregnancy.
     
  19. becalubob

    becalubob Mouseketeer

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    First thing I would do is tell your parents! They will take you back until you can get on your feet and help make sure all your legalities are in a row.

    Do you have a friend you can stay with? It's not healthy staying in the same house.

    DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. keep text messages, emails, etc. If he or she is stupid enough to leave you nasty voicemail, save that too.

    Personally, I think you really need your family right now. I would move back. You are going to need a support system and it sounds like Canada is the best place. Get away from this looser and his family.

    Agree with a previous poster who said they did you a favor... I know that sounds rough, but he sounds like a jerk that you are better off without... why be with someone who doesn't want this baby with you? Be grateful this happened now and not after the baby is born! You have time to plan a new life! A fresh start!!!

    I was a single mom, living with my parents. Best decision I ever made was leaving my ex and starting over. You're young. It will be ok! You will meet someone who will love you and your son and be HAPPY to have you BOTH. It happened to me, and I'm loving my life!!! Sometimes, when a child is meant to be, a weird string of events need to take place first... your son is going to have a wonderful life with a great mom!

    Focus on your baby and think of whats best for him! Children are a blessing. Believe me, you get back sooooo much more than you give!!!

    HUGS!
     
  20. firecracker725

    firecracker725 Somethin' Clever

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    Honey, go home to your family. Don't wait. You and your little guy will be fine without this dirtbag around.
     
  21. mickeyboat

    mickeyboat <font color=660099>Nothing like the cream and choc

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