Engagement issues already....

[Skywalker]

Ohhh, I am not beginning to expect that his wedding date be 'perfect' for me.
That's just it. You just completely and totally nailed it.
That word 'perfect' says it all.

His wedding needs to happen at the right time as his and his bride's lifes unfold.
Short of being in a hospital bed, or six feet under.
I will be happy and will be there, with bells on.
Especially if I have an entire years notice.

Easy to say that, but if your personality in real life is anything like your posting style (Dealing in absolutes with bolding and ALL CAPS and !!! and thinking your opinion is fact, others are 200% wrong and people that do things differently than you are ridiculous and misguided and everyone that doesn't march in lock step with your views would throw up RED FLAGS because they are just obviously W R O N G ...) well I find it a little hard to believe you will roll over and smile sweetly if your son's bride is doing anything (including choosing a date) you don't agree with lol.

 

[Nancyg56]

Easy to say that, but if your personality in real life is anything like your posting style (Dealing in absolutes with bolding and ALL CAPS and !!! and thinking your opinion is fact, others are 200% wrong and people that do things differently than you are ridiculous and misguided and everyone that doesn't march in lock step with your views would throw up RED FLAGS because they are just obviously W R O N G ...) well I find it a little hard to believe you will roll over and smile sweetly if your son's bride is doing anything (including choosing a date) you don't agree with lol.

LOL! I try not to get too personal with posters style because you never know, but this poster is pretty set in her ways. I woudl sell popcorn if her only son's future bride totally discounts the grooms family, especially the MOG, with the only son going right along. My nephew married a woman whose family is the "only" family, with my DB and DSIL only included when it is convenient. It started with the wedding planning.....see a pattern?... And continued now for about 10 years. My lovely DSIL never says one word....not one....but we know it is hurtful.

 

[mom2rtk]

My children are all adults now. I give advice to them and offer my opinion about things. In the end, they are adults with their own lives and can make their own decisions. I will do everything to support those decisions. I give when I can and help when I can. If they made a decision that didn't work for me, I would still support it and do everything I could to stay positive so that they will always enjoy my company and I can lift them up instead of weigh them down.

The MIL has every right to feel overwhelmed and stressed. I remember helping my daughter plan her wedding. It was exhausting. One of my sons is getting married now and it's a breeze in comparison because the bride and her mother are planning a lot of it. Once the MIL's adult son made a decision that worked best for him and his fiancé, I think it was time for the MIL to let her son know what he can expect from her and then be supportive and pleasant. After all, this is going to be one of the happiest days of her son's life. That should mean something and everything else should pale in comparison.

I agree. And we have no indication that's not exactly what the MIL in this case intends to do.

 

[pryncess527]

DW & I were married on the anniversary of our first date. We very specifically wanted a Spring wedding to avoid numerous other conflicts & it just so happened that was one of the days available on a Saturday, so we chose that day. Moving the wedding several months in either direction, or a full year to accommodate someone else (knowing for every person we accommodate, there's someone else we inconvenience in the process)? I can't even imagine it.

Same here!

 

[cabanafrau]

DW & I were married on the anniversary of our first date. We very specifically wanted a Spring wedding to avoid numerous other conflicts & it just so happened that was one of the days available on a Saturday, so we chose that day. Moving the wedding several months in either direction, or a full year to accommodate someone else (knowing for every person we accommodate, there's someone else we inconvenience in the process)? I can't even imagine it.

Same here!

Purely as devil's advocate here, no criticism of making a sentimental choice behind the wedding planning or suggesting that it's necessary or even possible to pick a date convenient to everyone.

If your first date happened to fall in the heart of winter and you lived in an area where that means frequent snow, cold, ice, etc. and either bride or groom happened to have a grandparent who snowbirds every winter because their health is such that they need to be away from the cold, would you have considered not going with your first idea to have your wedding fall on the anniversary of your first date as you'd prefer in order to make it possible for the grandparent to be present?

 

[okeydokey]

The can be upset about some things, the idea that Aunts and Uncles should split the amount they can afford for a gift across 2 weddings instead of using the all on the first and telling the second well that's what you get is ridiculous.

We live across the country from family. We would be unable to attend two weddings so close together. We would attend the wedding that was planned first, and have to decline the second invite altogether. It's not ridiculous, it is reality.

 

[pryncess527]

Purely as devil's advocate here, no criticism of making a sentimental choice behind the wedding planning or suggesting that it's necessary or even possible to pick a date convenient to everyone.

If your first date happened to fall in the heart of winter and you lived in an area where that means frequent snow, cold, ice, etc. and either bride or groom happened to have a grandparent who snowbirds every winter because their health is such that they need to be away from the cold, would you have considered not going with your first idea to have your wedding fall on the anniversary of your first date as you'd prefer in order to make it possible for the grandparent to be present?

Yes. While I had my heart set on a May wedding, and was thrilled that getting married on our anniversary worked out, all of that was secondary to ensuring that loved ones could make it. We had a destination wedding, so the group was small but we also knew the travel was considerable and so we did speak to family and the wedding party people who mattered during planning. Frankly, I had to be sure they'd all be willing, or even excited, about flying to Italy before we committed to the premise.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Purely as devil's advocate here, no criticism of making a sentimental choice behind the wedding planning or suggesting that it's necessary or even possible to pick a date convenient to everyone.

If your first date happened to fall in the heart of winter and you lived in an area where that means frequent snow, cold, ice, etc. and either bride or groom happened to have a grandparent who snowbirds every winter because their health is such that they need to be away from the cold, would you have considered not going with your first idea to have your wedding fall on the anniversary of your first date as you'd prefer in order to make it possible for the grandparent to be present?

As much as I hate cold weather (it makes me wheeze) I would brave it for a few days to attend a grand kid's wedding. My father's funeral was in January in cold country, and we about froze at the grave-site, but we were there. If the grand parents don't like driving on icy roads, another family member could drive them.

 

[cabanafrau]

As much as I hate cold weather (it makes me wheeze) I would brave it for a few days to attend a grand kid's wedding. My father's funeral was in January in cold country, and we about froze at the grave-site, but we were there. If the grand parents don't like driving on icy roads, another family member could drive them.

I was referring to situations where a grandparent could not choose to simply "suck it up, Buttercup" for the sake of the grandkid's wedding or it wasn't a matter of making sure grammy or gramps had someone to make sure they had a ride. There are quite a few elderly people for whom bugging out of town for the duration of winter is indeed a necessity, not a preference simply for a better quality of life.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Purely as devil's advocate here, no criticism of making a sentimental choice behind the wedding planning or suggesting that it's necessary or even possible to pick a date convenient to everyone.

If your first date happened to fall in the heart of winter and you lived in an area where that means frequent snow, cold, ice, etc. and either bride or groom happened to have a grandparent who snowbirds every winter because their health is such that they need to be away from the cold, would you have considered not going with your first idea to have your wedding fall on the anniversary of your first date as you'd prefer in order to make it possible for the grandparent to be present?

Hard to say since Winter would never be a time I'd wish to get married. We did run into a similar scenario with my cousin who did get married during a month my parents would normally be snowbirding. My mom moaned about it a little & the bride to be very sweetly said she'd totally understand if they couldn't make it.

In the end, probably no though. While a Winter wedding would inconvenience the snowbirds, a Summer or Fall one would mess up so many others in my family.

Our experience in messing with the dates of family events in an effort to accommodate everyone is that you just wind up with an even worse scenario every time you pick a new date.

 

[cabanafrau]

Hard to say since Winter would never be a time I'd wish to get married. We did run into a similar scenario with my cousin who did get married during a month my parents would normally be snowbirding. My mom moaned about it a little & the bride to be very sweetly said she'd totally understand if they couldn't make it.

In the end, probably no though. While a Winter wedding would inconvenience the snowbirds, a Summer or Fall one would mess up so many others in my family.

Our experience in messing with the dates of family events in an effort to accommodate everyone is that you just wind up with an even worse scenario every time you pick a new date.

Totally makes sense in your situation that you likely had X window where the wedding needed to fit in order to suit the max amount of key players, your first date anniversary fell in that window, it fell on a Saturday in that window -- hey, let's set the date for the anniversary of our first date. Logistic and sentimental, win/win. It's a happy accident when life works out that way.

Like I said, I know there's never a date that suits absolutely everyone. I was just interested in how much weight the sentimental aspect of the first date anniversary would play out for some people.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We didn't have our first choice for a wedding date, but it wasn't a big deal. DH wanted to get married on Halloween & have a costume wedding. While I really liked the idea, I knew my parents wouldn't have been thrilled with it & his parent wouldn't have been any happier. We switched to the weekend before Halloween. If necessary, we would have switched it to a different month altogether. To me, choosing a date that both the bride & groom's parents are happy with isn't like trying to make everyone happy. It's trying to please your parents who have done plenty for you over the years. If DH had insisted, regardless of what our parents thought, he wouldn't have been marrying me. I've never been fond of people who have an "all about me" mentality.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I was referring to situations where a grandparent could not choose to simply "suck it up, Buttercup" for the sake of the grandkid's wedding or it wasn't a matter of making sure grammy or gramps had someone to make sure they had a ride. There are quite a few elderly people for whom bugging out of town for the duration of winter is indeed a necessity, not a preference simply for a better quality of life.

I really do not know that there are many people who truly cannot physically be in a cold are in winter---there are tons of cold parts of the world from which people do not regularly flee each winter in their retirement.

but to your point---not with a date, but with a location we chose a location that meant my grandparents could not attend (and they were the only living grandparents involved). I love my grandmother dearly----travel was not easx for her then and my grandfather was in a nursing home at the time--it might have been possible to check him out for a day--but certianly not for him to make a trip.
So, we could have gotten married in Texas--where both my parents grew up and my grandparents and all my (few) aunts, uncles and cousins lived. I hadn't lived there since I was 7 though and had no strong feelings for the area. My parents would need to take time off from work to attend a weddingthere, versus no time off needed for a wedding in the area we lived in. Almost none of our local friends would have been able to afford a trip to Texas for a wedding. And DH's extended family were half in the local area and half in Iowa (and even half his family is more than double mine).

So, should we have gotten married in Texas to accomidate my grandparents coming? Did it mean we did not care about them or love them beucase we didn't plan the wedding around their ability to attend? of course not! We took lots into consideration and did what made the most sense given all the various needs and wants involved--and my grandmother still seems to love me and knows I love her dearly.

 

[diznygirl]

We live across the country from family. We would be unable to attend two weddings so close together. We would attend the wedding that was planned first, and have to decline the second invite altogether. It's not ridiculous, it is reality.

We lived across the country from family when we got married. We didn't expect anyone to attend, or even send gifts. And we didn't care. There was a reason we lived so far away from them.

 

[cabanafrau]

I really do not know that there are many people who truly cannot physically be in a cold are in winter---there are tons of cold parts of the world from which people do not regularly flee each winter in their retirement.

but to your point---not with a date, but with a location we chose a location that meant my grandparents could not attend (and they were the only living grandparents involved). I love my grandmother dearly----travel was not easx for her then and my grandfather was in a nursing home at the time--it might have been possible to check him out for a day--but certianly not for him to make a trip.
So, we could have gotten married in Texas--where both my parents grew up and my grandparents and all my (few) aunts, uncles and cousins lived. I hadn't lived there since I was 7 though and had no strong feelings for the area. My parents would need to take time off from work to attend a weddingthere, versus no time off needed for a wedding in the area we lived in. Almost none of our local friends would have been able to afford a trip to Texas for a wedding. And DH's extended family were half in the local area and half in Iowa (and even half his family is more than double mine).

So, should we have gotten married in Texas to accomidate my grandparents coming? Did it mean we did not care about them or love them beucase we didn't plan the wedding around their ability to attend? of course not! We took lots into consideration and did what made the most sense given all the various needs and wants involved--and my grandmother still seems to love me and knows I love her dearly.

Actually I have seen several recommendations from doctors advising elderly patients with certain sets or levels of conditions to absent themselves from Michigan from end of November until early April. What comes to the top of my head is relating most often to respiratory/heart and mobility issues.

My question wasn't meant to imply some hard and fast rule about picking a date/locale where and when a grandparent could attend, merely noticed a couple posters mentioned picking their date based on first date and wondered how much they were "wedded" to the idea. For me, I think you do the best you can to accommodate the practicalities of the particular circumstances, decide as a couple what kind of wedding you want to have and who are your nearest and dearest must haves. For some couples that might mean planning around bride or groom or one of their parents being absolutely unavailable as an accountant in tax season or a retailer from Black Friday through Christmas. For another couple it may mean picking a date that leaves out some people they would love to be there, but accommodating an uncompromising deployment date for a bride, groom or one of their siblings as a member of the military. At the end of the day a couple has to make the best decision they can make to fit their circumstances and hope that any loved ones their choice leaves out understands the couple probably wishes it was possible to have it all.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I've never been fond of people who have an "all about me" mentality.

There is absolutely no offense meant by this so please don't take it that way but it makes so much more sense in why you feel the way you do. At least IMO in this situation the way the date was chosen has come across to you as the "all about me" decision and now it makes a lot more sense to me.

I feel the same way in that I don't like the "all about me" viewpoint...unfortunatly one of my sister-in-laws acts like it and her mother (my mother-in-law) further reenforces it.

The difference between our viewpoints in part seems to be the "all about me" impression from the description provided by the OP. I'm not meaning to get into another debate really because we've already gone over our opinions it's just an observation. Again no offense meant.

 

[NHdisneylover]

For me, I think you do the best you can to accommodate the practicalities of the particular circumstances, decide as a couple what kind of wedding you want to have and who are your nearest and dearest must haves. For some couples that might mean planning around bride or groom or one of their parents being absolutely unavailable as an accountant in tax season or a retailer from Black Friday through Christmas. For another couple it may mean picking a date that leaves out some people they would love to be there, but accommodating an uncompromising deployment date for a bride, groom or one of their siblings as a member of the military. At the end of the day a couple has to make the best decision they can make to fit their circumstances and hope that any loved ones their choice leaves out understands the couple probably wishes it was possible to have it all.

I agree with this. I think most couples do take a lot of factors into account and make the best decision overall---which may not be the best for each individual family memeber.
Sure, some couples are just selfish and do not care how others are impacted. And some only care about one side of the family----but I am amazed in this thread at the number of posters willing to leap right to that being the scenario.
And, honestly, I figured the sister's sports schedule was much like accodmiating a parent who works as an accountant and cannot travel during tax season-----she might well be on scholarships for that sport which require her to be there throughout that period and truly be unable to travel at that time; which, if it were ME would be a bigger consideration than if a local person I was equally close to did not feel up to two weddings within two months---regardless of whose side of the family was involved. At the end of the day--accomidating the person who cannot travel during certian periods for work or scholarships or medical reasons, etc would trump accomidating someone local with a preference (if it were only about those two things--but, again, I think very often it is about a whole lot more than just those two things).

One conclusion I am coming to reading this is that perhaps most people have family that is not all that spread out, or only spread between two areas and most marry someone from the same area----becuase really when you get into family living all over the place, and all the differening flight costs and vacation schedules and school schedules, etc it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to make it easy on everyone to attend (or even possible). Maybe this is wh my experiences and expectations are so different---we really never have everyone at anything in our family (on either side), not becuase we don't love one another and priortize one another, but becuase we have so many competing demands on our time and such varied schedules to work with.

 

[NHdisneylover]

There is absolutely no offense meant by this so please don't take it that way but it makes so much more sense in why you feel the way you do. At least IMO in this situation the way the date was chosen has come across to you as the "all about me" decision and now it makes a lot more sense to me.

I feel the same way in that I don't like the "all about me" viewpoint...unfortunatly one of my sister-in-laws acts like it and her mother (my mother-in-law) further reenforces it.

The difference between our viewpoints in part seems to be the "all about me" impression from the description provided by the OP. I'm not meaning to get into another debate really because we've already gone over our opinions it's just an observation. Again no offense meant.

I agree---it seems the poster you quoted (and a few others) see the wedding couple as only taking their own wants into consideration (which might be the case---you never know). I am not seeing anyhting that makes me think that is the case----and that IS the heart of the matter and where the disagreements come in

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I agree---it seems the poster you quoted (and a few others) see the wedding couple as only taking their own wants into consideration (which might be the case---you never know). I am not seeing anyhting that makes me think that is the case----and that IS the heart of the matter and where the disagreements come in

I think that too. It's not to say that anyone is wrong because they aren't and I respect everyone's right to their own opinion obviously I want to be respected for my own opinion as well. It just the first impression is basing what we all seem to feeling towards this situation in how the date was chosen and to another degree how the OP (who is the mother of the bride) is describing the mother of the groom.

I know for me personally none of our families were really involved in the decision making for our wedding aside from my mother-in-law wanting a few people and not wanting a few people at our wedding..we let her know it was our wedding though so while we understood her feelings we still wouldn't be inviting people we had no personal connection to and not inviting people who we did have personal connections to just because she didn't want them there due to her own personal interaction with them. ETA: We did however allow some friends of her to come that we didn't know at all as she decided she really wanted them there and would pay the $30 some dollars per person cost for food (I believe it ended up being 6 people).

That being said I would say 80% of our decisions we made were based on the consideration of our guests which included our immediate family members-

~venue choice (which doubled as the ceremony and reception place) as far as ease of guests including free parking (ETA free parking downtown was next to nil so this was an important detail) and comfort of the chairs that were included in the venue. While we absolutely loved our venue a main selling point was a covered parking garage with an enclosed walkway connecting to the venue which happened to be the main level of a commercial high-rise Downtown combined with an off-duty police officer already included (an off-duty police officer is required at most venues in our Downtown area for each hr of your event ranging from $30-40 per hour charge).

~food choices and silverware choices (plastic versus real)

~Alcohol choices as well as we chose an open bar where we pre-paid so guests wouldn't have to worry about tipping or paying for their own drinks

~cake flavor choices

~DJ song choices to an extent

~seating arrangements (there were none save for 2 tables saved for our parents, we also had our bridesmaids and groomsmens significant others sitting up with us on the main table because I understood how it would feel not being able to really sit next to your bf/gf, husband/wife, fiance/fiancee, etc)

~the bridesmaid dresses and how each of my bridesmaids (I had 2 and then my maid of honor) would feel in them as far as body image and if they were going to be comfortable to be in them all night, etc.

And there were so many more. The point is one of the very few things that my husband and I chose based on our desires and not so much others was the wedding date..and if that's all you really knew about me in this situation...

*Again though no offense meant, not aimed at any person in particular, just a general statement.

 

[Trixie Belden]

Depending on when in September and November each couple gets married, it could be as little as 5 weeks between weddings. If the OP's daughter would like to have the typical wedding activities like a bridal shower or bachelorette party she may run into a scheduling issue where she's having an event within a couple weeks of the first wedding. Let's say the SIL has a shower in August, wedding in September, there's a different bridal shower in October and another wedding in November. 4 straight months of wedding activities, which is a lot for someone who is expected to be involved in both weddings.