Ok, Tell Me How She Feels So That I Can Understand

[ilovemk76]

What is their custody/visitation agreement?

If it is their agreement that he is to have the children on the weekends, then it is his responsibility to find childcare if he has to work or makes alternate plans.

If they have no custody/visitation agreement, then they need to get one so that they can make definite plans as to what they are going to do on weekends.

The way I see it, you shouldn't be involved in this at all. They are your son's kids and his responsibility to find childcare if he is unable to pick them up.

If it's your son's scheduled time with his girls, I would think if something comes up, he would need to have the back up plan, not the mom.
He's responsible for them on weekends I'm guessing since you said either he or you take them?
If for some reason(work) he can't take them, and his back up plan(you) can't take them because you have another engagement, I would expect him to find another back up plan, especially since he knew you'd be busy with your daughter 2-3 months.

You say your son is with his daughter "every moment he is off work..." but you also say:

He works M - F out of town.
He has worked every Saturday, as well.
He has worked one Sunday, too.
He goes to a wrestling show on Saturday nights for a few hours.

I'm guessing the DIL feels like your son isn't spending much time with the girls.

I assume she is mad at you by proxy since she has to make arrangements for the care of the girls through you because you are around more than your son.

Why are you involved? This should be between the two of them.

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

This is the same son that could not afford to live with his family in their own place. Now that the wife is gone he gets a great job. I hope he is paying support for those two girls.

As others have said, he has more than 2 hours to himself. Don't you see how this type of behavior may have been a direct cause of the split?

You need to get out of the life of your sons. Two sons and both of them you had drama with the DIL. The other one is now divorced and this could end up that way too.

Guess he wasn't disappointed enough to miss the wrestling show... I would be seriously peed-off if I was your DIL. He needs to find an apt where its suitable for the kids to be there on the weekends or weekdays if need be or a different job where he CAN take care of his kids and not just with money..

If I were the daughter in law, I would file for sole custody and ask for child support. Maybe this fantastic job could at least help support the children if dad can't seem to make time to see them.

Me too.

 

[zurgswife]

He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

Couple of Things:

1. He's a construction worker who typically have hours from 6am-4pm....so your comment that "it's the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids." I don't buy it he lives in a construction work apartment complex I guarantee that he interacts with his coworkers almost daily and into the evening. So, he does get ME TIME. Your DIL on the other hand seems to have the girls 4 nights straight without any assistance from your son unless work is rained out.

2. "Every Possible moment" -
Friday after work - Let's say 6pm - 10pm (you didn't give ages I'm just guessing a bed time)

Saturday - (If no rain out during the week he is home). Does that mean if he has to work because of a rain out he does not drive home on Friday to be with the girls? Let's say 7am - 7pm - because he is at a wrestling show for a few hours.

Sunday's - maybe all day...7am - 8pm?

So the total time I would guess he has available to spend with his girls is about 29 hrs a weekend.


You stated that he has worked every Saturday and one sunday since he started. So....If we look at a month...He has spent time with them for 3 sundays which I estimate to be about 13 hours....totaling 39 hours for the entire month!!!

Really he isn't spending much time with his girls at all...

 

[padams]

I understand but it seems like this has been an ongoing problem. It might be a concert next week and something else the week after, etc. They need to come to an agreement sooner rather than later.

 

[Turn the Page]

This reminds me of the first time I let my DD spend all night at my ex's house. He was living with his parents because he couldn't hold down a job and was a pill popper. Didn't ever pay child support and DD was about 2 years old at the time. He had supervised visitation every other Sunday at his parents house and for over a year I refused to let DD stay over night because he lived there and was strung out all the time. He begged and begged for me to let her spend the night because he just loved and missed her so much and he never got to see her. I finally relented and let her spend the night one evening. Come to find out later that while DD was at his parents house for the first time in over a year he would sleep under the same roof as his daughter and he was out at the bar with friends. Yeah, he really loved and missed her.

I would be really curious as to what led your DIL to leave? It sounds like this is a very recent split so what happened there could very likely be coloring the entire situation.

I agree with everyone else. It is your sons problem to handle not yours. Getting involved will only cause friction with your DIL and if it comes to a divorce if you want continued regular access to your granddaughters you need to keep your DIL happy. My ex ILs crossed me one too many times and now I do not permit them to take DD back to their hometown because of all the stunts they pulled over the last few years.

And, again agreeing with most everyone else, it is all about your sons convenience. If this job isn't giving him time to be with his kids then he needs to find a different one. It is about setting priorities and it is pretty clear that his kids are not his priority. Speaking as a former ex wife myself I can tell you that kind of shenanigans will almost certainly send your DIL through the roof.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

Actually he spends 5-6 days a week away from his kids, which is way more than many people do. How much is he making in those 2 hours that would make it more important than spending what little precious time off he has with his children?

I would agree with the PPs that his wife is upset because based on what you post, the bulk of the child-rearing at this point is falling to her.

As PPs have said, she is sniping at you becase you are there and you are his mother...guilty by association.

They are his kids. If he is supposed to have them on weekends, then he has to make arrangements for child care. If you are able to, that's fine. If you are not able to, then it is HIS responsibility to make other arrangements which should not include "Oh it's not convenient for me this weekend wife, so you keep them".

 

[Allison]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

What does he do during the week after work?

 

[TagsMissy]

I still can't get over how he works out of town, can only see the girls at most Sat and Sunday, but a lot of Saturday's he's working so they see him maybe Saturday night --- but wait Saturday night is wrestling. Yeah if I was those girls I'd wonder how much Dad wanted to actually be at around me. I am sorry --- you asked and you put it out there. What parent would choose weekly wrestling over time with their kids when their time is so very limited as it is??

Time for dad to be a dad and a man and stop skirting his responsibilities.

It sounds like your son/you expect she is the one who needs to make all the concessions and your son has none nothing wrong and doesn't need to give anything up. Sorry. There's a difference between a child and a man.

 

[Riles_and_Gabe]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

I'm sorry but I am a single parent, and there are tons of things I would love to do but my kids are my priority. It really bothers me that he has such little time available for his girls and he would choose to go to wrestling. He may need to sacrifice while his girls are younger so he can have time with them. I can only imagine how hard it is for them to have their parents separated and their Dad doesn't have time for them.

I hope they are able to come up with an arrangement that works for everyone.

 

[chuckabone]

I agree that it is thier father who should look for a babysitter for that weekend. He has been giving advance notice.

I disagree that he needs to "quit" or find another job. Jobs are not that easy to find these days. We have no idea how or if he is giving her support and if he quits his job that's not going to happen.
If he is working 2 jobs, perhaps they need the money.


Perhaps as GM you could ask some of your friends if they have teenagers who could sit with the girls a few hours.

 

[Turn the Page]

I agree that it is thier father who should look for a babysitter for that weekend. He has been giving advance notice.

I disagree that he needs to "quit" or find another job. Jobs are not that easy to find these days. We have no idea how or if he is giving her support and if he quits his job that's not going to happen.
If he is working 2 jobs, perhaps they need the money.


Perhaps as GM you could ask some of your friends if they have teenagers who could sit with the girls a few hours.

I'm not suggesting he quit forthwith. However, I see no reason why he shouldn't search for another job that is perhaps closer to home and gives him more time with his kids.

The wrestling thing is another story. He can't possibly make that much money doing it for two hours a week and if his time with his kids is that limited then he needs to give it up at least until he can spend more time with them.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

If he is working 2 jobs, perhaps they need the money..

Wrestling is not a good second job. He could get injured and not be able to work at his primary job.

 

[LisaR]

I'm not suggesting he quit forthwith. However, I see no reason why he shouldn't search for another job that is perhaps closer to home and gives him more time with his kids.

The wrestling thing is another story. He can't possibly make that much money doing it for two hours a week and if his time with his kids is that limited then he needs to give it up at least until he can spend more time with them.

I absolutely think the son needs to step up, however, if this couple were married and the only job he could find required him to live elsewhere during the week, most would say, "ya gotta do what ya gotta do" to provide for your family.

He apparently has a good job and I hope he is supporting his wife and kids.
If this is the only job he can find and he is making good money, it is what it is. I'm assuming he is working because they need the money and not just for fun. I still think he needs to come up with an agreement with his ex-wife and it shouldn't involve grandma. If he is only available on Sunday, so be it. If he can only take the girls once a month, it will have to do. What they have planned is not working.

 

[LisaR]

Wrestling is not a good second job. He could get injured and not be able to work at his primary job.

A paying job is a paying job when you don't have much to begin with. What if he was a police officer? Would you say that wasn't a good job for him either since it is dangerous?

 

[minkydog]

Couple of Things:

1. He's a construction worker who typically have hours from 6am-4pm....so your comment that "it's the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids." I don't buy it he lives in a construction work apartment complex I guarantee that he interacts with his coworkers almost daily and into the evening. So, he does get ME TIME. Your DIL on the other hand seems to have the girls 4 nights straight without any assistance from your son unless work is rained out.

2. "Every Possible moment" -
Friday after work - Let's say 6pm - 10pm (you didn't give ages I'm just guessing a bed time)

Saturday - (If no rain out during the week he is home). Does that mean if he has to work because of a rain out he does not drive home on Friday to be with the girls? Let's say 7am - 7pm - because he is at a wrestling show for a few hours.

Sunday's - maybe all day...7am - 8pm?

So the total time I would guess he has available to spend with his girls is about 29 hrs a weekend.


You stated that he has worked every Saturday and one sunday since he started. So....If we look at a month...He has spent time with them for 3 sundays which I estimate to be about 13 hours....totaling 39 hours for the entire month!!!

Really he isn't spending much time with his girls at all...

There you go again, blinding us with logic. OP, I am not at all impressed with your son's "fantastic" job. The whole situation has a sense of little boy running away from something he doesn't want to do, ie., work out his marriage and take care of his kids. So he moves to the big city, sets himself up in an singles apartment, and spends almost all his time doing his own thing and doesn't have to deal with the messiness of taking care of the kids. He's living in a perfect world, isn't he? He can waltz in and out of their lives at will and he has everyone, including you, jumping to his tune. You need to bow out of this and let them figure it out.

If truly, he cannot make arrangements to take care of his own children for a single weekend, then he needs to pony up the dough so that your DIL can hire a babysitter for that time. $250 would be a start...

 

[Turn the Page]

I absolutely think the son needs to step up, however, if this couple were married and the only job he could find required him to live elsewhere during the week, most would say, "ya gotta do what ya gotta do" to provide for your family.

He apparently has a good job and I hope he is supporting his wife and kids.
If this is the only job he can find and he is making good money, it is what it is. I'm assuming he is working because they need the money and not just for fun. I still think he needs to come up with an agreement with his ex-wife and it shouldn't involve grandma. If he is only available on Sunday, so be it. If he can only take the girls once a month, it will have to do. What they have planned is not working.

Obviously you have to do what you have to do and obviously what they are doing at the moment is not working. One of the things that appears to be not working is he does not spend enough time with his kids. As I said, I am not suggesting he just up and quit the job, I am suggesting he simply put our feelers for one that would fit better with his situation.

However, if he only sees his kids on weekends he has no business taking off to play with his friends on Saturday night. Like I said, everyone has priorities, and it appears the kids aren't his. If the DIL is anything like me the issue may not be so much the lack of time necessarily but what he does with the time available that is frustrating her. And rightly so. It comes down to choices. He has Saturday nights to spend with the kids he hasn't seen all week but he takes off to wrestle with his buddies and tells the mother to deal with it. That's a load of BS. If I were the DIL I would be pretty angry too.

 

[Aliceacc]

Those poor little girls.

I can't imagine how they perceive the whole situation-- Daddy moved out of the city to an apartment we can't visit. We can see daddy once every so often at grandma's if it's not raining or he's not wrestling... I hope he can squeeze us in.

When they look back at this time in their lives, how will they view their dad's actions?

 

[sonnyjane]

A paying job is a paying job when you don't have much to begin with. What if he was a police officer? Would you say that wasn't a good job for him either since it is dangerous?

Police officers have insurance and worker's comp. I'd imagine that a 2-hour weekend wrestling gig is probably under the table or at the very least isn't similarly covered, and I'm sure that his construction job won't cover an injury suffered on another job.

 

[Turn the Page]

Those poor little girls.

I can't imagine how they perceive the whole situation-- we can see daddy once every so often at grandma's if it's not raining or he's not wrestling... I hope he can squeeze us in.

When they look back at this time in their lives, how will they view their dad's actions?

This.

 

[ilovemk76]

There you go again, blinding us with logic. OP, I am not at all impressed with your son's "fantastic" job. The whole situation has a sense of little boy running away from something he doesn't want to do, ie., work out his marriage and take care of his kids. So he moves to the big city, sets himself up in an singles apartment, and spends almost all his time doing his own thing and doesn't have to deal with the messiness of taking care of the kids. He's living in a perfect world, isn't he? He can waltz in and out of their lives at will and he has everyone, including you, jumping to his tune. You need to bow out of this and let them figure it out.

If truly, he cannot make arrangements to take care of his own children for a single weekend, then he needs to pony up the dough so that your DIL can hire a babysitter for that time. $250 would be a start...

Lets look at the examples this "man" has seen.

1 - His dad is an alcoholic and his parents divorce when he and his brother are young.

2 - His step dad works out of town 6 out of 7 days a week and works on paperwork when he is home for 24-26 hours.

3 - His brother, who is about 30, has been twice married and divorced. The bother lived away from the wife(wives) most of the time for his job.

4 - He and his girlfriend have a baby and have to live with his grandmother because they cannot afford their own place. They get married and make another child while still unable to support themselves.

5 - His wife leaves him and he takes a job away and then spends little time with his kids.

And this is a surprise?

 

[JessicaR]

OP - have a look at the reality. I think your DIL is more than patient with you and your son. I feel sorry for the children. Actually, this is your sons issue not yours. He needs to work it out.