Ok, Tell Me How She Feels So That I Can Understand

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by luvsJack, Feb 8, 2013.

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  1. luvsJack

    luvsJack DIS Veteran

    Apr 3, 2007
    Where am I wrong in this situation?

    DS and DIL are separated. She moved out and moved in with her mom.

    Right after she moved out, ds got a really fantastic job out of town. He is gone Mon-Fri, unless they have a rain-out and then he is gone Sat. too. He has an apartment in the town with his work, stays with me on the weekends so that he can see his dds.

    Since he started the new job, he has worked every Saturday and one Sunday.

    The first two weekends, I would meet her and get the girls on Friday nights so that they would be at my house when he got home. I can't do that now because dd has Show Choir competitions every weekend. The girls are too young to spend the day at a competition. I told dil that this was coming and that ds would get the girls when he got home. She got mad at me and acted like I don't want to see the girls. Which is not true at all.

    Yesterday she texted me and I asked if "wanted" the girls. Of course I want them! But, dd has a competition Saturday and we won't be home until late. So I told her that she and ds would have to work out him picking them up Saturday night. (it worked out that he doesn't have to work Saturday so he is getting them now actually).

    Then she sends another text that she is going out of state over the weekend in about 3 weeks and one of us would need to keep the girls. And that she told ds he needed to be in town as much as possible. She is going to a concert.

    DS has all intentions of having the girls, so no real problem except I told her that IF he has to work that Saturday, I wouldn't be able to watch them due to another competition so she may need to have a back up just in case. So, now she is mad again.

    Show choir season is only for 2-3 months and this just happens to be that time of year. I would keep the girls any other time, just not on days with competitions.

    She is mad because ds might have to work and she is mad because I can't keep them if he does. DS told her that he cannot call in at work--it would be risking his job. So, I really don't know what she wants us to do.

    Every moment he is off from work, he is with his daughters, except for a couple of hours on Saturday night when he goes to his wrestling show. He picks them up after or she brings them to him. He told her that he would let the promotion know that he wouldn't be there the weekend of the concert but that doesn't seem to be enough. I told her that its possible that if she can get her mom or dad to keep them, I would pick them up after the competition but I can't guarantee a time because it all depends on how the choir does. Not good enough.

    So, I have basically said nothing else to her and let her stew. I can't change anything. But, then I wondered, is there something I am not seeing?
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  3. krcit

    krcit DIS Veteran

    Feb 29, 2004
    I think she has the kids all the time and needs a break. She also probably thinks he should make the most out of his time with them.
  4. badblackpug

    badblackpug <font color=blue>If you knew her you would be shoc

    Oct 18, 2005
    What is their custody/visitation agreement?

    If it is their agreement that he is to have the children on the weekends, then it is his responsibility to find childcare if he has to work or makes alternate plans.

    If they have no custody/visitation agreement, then they need to get one so that they can make definite plans as to what they are going to do on weekends.

    The way I see it, you shouldn't be involved in this at all. They are your son's kids and his responsibility to find childcare if he is unable to pick them up.
  5. dislal

    dislal DIS Veteran

    Feb 11, 2008
    I really don't have much experience in this kind of situation, but if this is a time when your DS has the "custody" of the girls shouldn't HE be the one finding a babysitter?

    :grouphug:Good luck I hope you can work something out for the sake of the girls
  6. JVL1018

    JVL1018 Guest

    If it's your son's scheduled time with his girls, I would think if something comes up, he would need to have the back up plan, not the mom.
    He's responsible for them on weekends I'm guessing since you said either he or you take them?
    If for some reason(work) he can't take them, and his back up plan(you) can't take them because you have another engagement, I would expect him to find another back up plan, especially since he knew you'd be busy with your daughter 2-3 months.
  7. Janepod

    Janepod <font color=royalblue>The new dinning plan is out.

    Sep 21, 2010

    It shouldn't be this complicated. The two of them need to figure it out.
  8. sam_gordon

    sam_gordon DIS Veteran

    Jun 26, 2010
    She thinks there are times he is supposed to be responsible for the girls. However, you're telling her that if he's not available and you're not available, then SHE has to find other arrangements.

    Sorry, I agree with her. If your DS wants the kids every weekend, then HE makes arrangements to take care of them. Whether that's you or someone else, HE'S responsible.

    IMO, you shouldn't be talking to her. Let DS make the arrangments, even if it's "My mom will be picking them up."

    Just my opinion.
  9. RitaE

    RitaE DIS Veteran

    May 29, 2008
    I guess I don't understand here. Your son has custody of his daughter on the weekends. If he has to work, then it is up to HIM to find childcare for the daughter, the same way every other parent has to find childcare when they need to work.

    I understand this is frustrating for you because you have been put in the middle and this isn't your battle. But I also fully understand how your Daughter In Law feels. You son is starting to play the "I want custody, when it is convenient, I'll let you know when that is about 10 minutes before I plan to pick the kids up and when I call please have her ready to go immediately because my time is valuable. Otherwise, when I have something else to do, you are going to keep her." kind of game.

    I've never gone through it myself but I have plenty of divorced friends who have and it is EXTREMELY difficult for them.

    What you are receiving is the brunt of this battle. Tell your son that he needs to handle it.
  10. minkydog

    minkydog DIS Cast Member

    Dec 8, 2004
    I agree. This is their problem to work out. If the mom is doing childcare 5-7 days a week, I imagine she is getting burnt out. And frankly, I think your son needs to do whatever it takes to make it work. He is the one who moved out of town, so he's the one who needs to bend over backwards to take care of his kids. If you can help them out, that's just icing on the cake. But she's given him 3 weeks notice. That seems to me plenty of time to figure out who's going to get the kids.
  11. LisaR

    LisaR <img src=http://www.wdwinfo.com/images/silver.jpg>

    Sep 26, 2000
    You say your son is with his daughter "every moment he is off work..." but you also say:

    He works M - F out of town.
    He has worked every Saturday, as well.
    He has worked one Sunday, too.
    He goes to a wrestling show on Saturday nights for a few hours.

    I'm guessing the DIL feels like your son isn't spending much time with the girls.

    I assume she is mad at you by proxy since she has to make arrangements for the care of the girls through you because you are around more than your son.

    Why are you involved? This should be between the two of them.
  12. abdmom

    abdmom DIS Veteran

    Apr 6, 2008
    This :thumbsup2

    They need a custody agreement asap. If there is one that says that he is to look after them on the weekends and he is not fulfilling his part of the agreement, she needs to take him back to court.
  13. msjprincess

    msjprincess DIS Veteran

    Feb 6, 2010
    If your son has to work on his weekend it's his responsibility to find a babysitter.
  14. teller80

    teller80 DIS Veteran

    Apr 13, 2012
    How often does he go to this wresting show? It doesn't sound like he has that much time as it with the kids.
  15. shortbun

    shortbun <font color=green>Peacenik<br><font color=purple><

    Aug 21, 1999
    Read your post from your DIL's point of view. It seems like your son is too busy for his daughters. Perhaps THIS is one of the problems in their marriage. It's not your responsibility to take care of them but really-show choir, and YOU have to be at all those performances over loving on your grandaughters? If I were your dil, I'd be wondering about your whole family and the level of commitment you have to her daughters. You think it's ok that your son goes to a 'wrestling show' every Saturday night instead of parenting but if your DiL, who has the girls all week wants some guarantee that your son will parent his daughters so she can go somewhere, you think that's bad. It's hard to type a response to you and make it read like I mean it-simply pointing out some of the discrepancies in your thinking and explaining how your dil might feel your son is shirking his responsibilities of parenting. When one takes on the responsibility of parenting, other things fall by the wayside. Your son intentionally moved to another city, he has no back up for care of his children when it's his turn to parent. He should hire a babysitter or be there unless previously arranged. She's given him adequate notice that he HAS to take his responsibility as a parent seriously that weekend. He needs to tell his employer he has his children and can not work. Why does the mother have to be primary? If I were her, I'd be working on a limited custody agreement for those girls because it seems that you all consider them a burden rather than a joy. I'm saying that's how she probably feels and the grandaughters will be feeling that as they grow up if their father continues to put wrestling ahead of them. You asked.
  16. Katy Belle

    Katy Belle DIS Veteran

    Jan 20, 2004
    This is what I was going to say! You need to stay out of it and let them work it out.
  17. wvjules

    wvjules DIS Veteran

    Mar 7, 2001
    I agree with everyone else.:thumbsup2

    So now we wait for the "rest of the story" where the DD is an alcoholic, abusive, a partier, mean to the girls, doesn't care for the girls, etc....the usual backstory that comes along when everyone disagrees with the OP.
  18. FlyingDumbo

    FlyingDumbo DIS Veteran

    Jan 22, 2011
    She has her child all week long and your son is not dependable. She can't plan or do anything because he may or may not be able to parent his own child on the weekend. It is his responsibility to take care of this, stop enabling him by getting in the middle. It is not up to you it is up to him. If he has to work on Saturday it is up to him to make accommodations for his child, not just leave his ex wife in a pinch. He needs to be dependable. You make it sound like she should not be able to go to a concert. She has child ALLTHE TIME. She deserves a break, too.
  19. msjprincess

    msjprincess DIS Veteran

    Feb 6, 2010

    Why should it be her responsibility to find a backup instead of your son's? He's a parent, not a babysitter.
  20. Shagley

    Shagley If you don't move when I say "beep beep", I will r

    Mar 11, 2005
    It really sounds like she has the girls all the time except for Sunday and she needs a break. How old is your DD? Is there any way for one Saturday she could ride with someone else to her show choir competition and you could watch your GD's?
  21. MakiraMarlena

    MakiraMarlena It's a big black fish to you

    Mar 28, 2005
    These are his kids, if they have an agreement that he have them on the weekends and he can't do it because he works weekends, then he either needs to change the terms of the agreement or find other options for the kids if you can't take them. You shouldn't have to give up your obligations to your daughter and their mother shouldn't have to come up with alternatives because he has decided to work out of town 6 to 7 days a week.
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