Ok, Tell Me How She Feels So That I Can Understand

[padams]

1. I agree. Just caught in the middle because I am the one she is texting.

2. The arrangements were for her to keep the kids until he got home from work. I only got them so it would make things easier.

3. Show choir is a group thing. Is it fair to dd to skip her competition though? I felt like it wasn't. --not meaning to be snarky, just asking.

I didn't mean for your dd to skip show choir. I asked if you can miss it. I haven't had a child do show choir. It sounds like a group activity so there should be other parents who can take dd for a competition. My experience with travel sports is that it's routine for parents over the course of 2-3 month season to miss games and tournaments, and to send their child with another family.

Now if you return and say that you have to be at every minute of every competition, we'll picture you as one of those Dance Moms on the Lifetime show.

 

[HelenePA]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

and does she get to do anything "fun" for 2 hours a week with no kids? with out having to beg people to watch the kids for her because dad is working or wrestling? sounds like dad needs to retire wrestling for a bit and see the kids more.

 

[Deb in IA]

OK, I'll tell you how she feels.

She (DIL) feels that HER schedule should not have to depend on your son's work, his wrestling hobby, his mother's schedule, and her sister-in-law's show choir competitions.

There are way too many variables in this equation, and some of them need to be cut out.

 

[usnuzuloose]

You need to stay out of it and let them work it out. You certainly do not want to get any blame for things that are out of your control. Your son needs to step up with the responsibility with this situation. I think he wants you to take care of it. But you need boldness and say no and he needs to step up to the plate.

It is very hard to step back and watch things happen. But all you can do is give advice and show love, but let him take care of it.

 

[badblackpug]

Well, it makes money so there is that. And I can't really fault him too much on it. I mean, its the one and only thing he does that isn't work or kids. I think most of us spend more than 2 hours a week away from our kids. And he isn't watching it, he is a wrestler.

He is spending far more than 2 hours away from the kids, though. Be fair, I know you are going to, naturally, support your son, but think of it, you said yourself he is away for work Mon-Fri, you pick them up Fri, and he meets them at your house. But, for the last few Fridays, and a Sunday, he has worked, so they have not been with him.

He has been with his kids for, what? 2 days in the last month?

Again, the kids are his responsibility. He needs to find adequate housing and adequate child care for them. If he goes to court with the story that his home is not appropriate, and he has no back-up child care, she will get sole custody. In addition, child support is based on overnight visitation. His child support payment will be huge if they go to court and she proves that she has the kids 6 out of 7 nights a week.

Step back, your son and his ex wife are adults. Tell them that they are their kids and their responsibility. You have your own minor child who is your responsibility. They need to deal with each other.

 

[LisaR]

I didn't mean for your dd to skip show choir. I asked if you can miss it. I haven't had a child do show choir. It sounds like a group activity so there should be other parents who can take dd for a competition. My experience with travel sports is that it's routine for parents over the course of 2-3 month season to miss games and tournaments, and to send their child with another family.

Now if you return and say that you have to be at every minute of every competition, we'll picture you as one of those Dance Moms on the Lifetime show.

I'm guessing the OP'er actually wants to be there for her own daughter. Isn't that pretty much a normal parenting thing? Why should she have to skip her own kids performance so she can babysit her grandchild each week? I can certainly see a one time emergency situation but not every weekend.

 

[LisaR]

Actually he has every night after work that is not working or with the kids. So I don't think that he only gets 2 hours a week that is not working or with the kids.

Sounds like he has plenty of free time without the girls.

 

[padams]

I'm guessing the OP'er actually wants to be there for her own daughter. Isn't that pretty much a normal parenting thing? Why should she have to skip her own kids performance so she can babysit her grandchild each week? I can certainly see a one time emergency situation but not every weekend.

I wasn't suggesting every weekend. The immediate issue seems to be the weekend of the concert.

 

[Lionqueen2]

If your DS is supposed to have his daughters on the weekends then he should be with them. Certainly, a job is important, but there is no more important job than being a parent. If this job is preventing him from spending time with his DDs then he needs to find one that will accomodate his new situation and allows him to spend weekends with his daughters.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but everybody here is right...
He is simply NOT being a father.
You should have nothing at all to do with it.
And, they need an arrangement, in writing, like YESTERDAY.

If your son is not wanting a divorce, he isn't helping his case by ignoring all responsibility and respect in this situation.

 

[LisaR]

I wasn't suggesting every weekend. The immediate issue seems to be the weekend of the concert.

I understand but it seems like this has been an ongoing problem. It might be a concert next week and something else the week after, etc. They need to come to an agreement sooner rather than later.

 

[badblackpug]

I'm guessing the OP'er actually wants to be there for her own daughter. Isn't that pretty much a normal parenting thing? Why should she have to skip her own kids performance so she can babysit her grandchild each week? I can certainly see a one time emergency situation but not every weekend.

I wasn't suggesting every weekend. The immediate issue seems to be the weekend of the concert.

The way I see it it doesn't matter if she has to go or chooses to go to all the competitions. The grandchildren are not the OP's responsibility. Her own minor child is her responsibility.

The grandchildren are her son's responsibility. If he has to work, then he has to do what the rest of the world does and find a sitter. In the case of the concert, he has 3 weeks to line something up in case he has to work.

What would he do if his mother weren't around? It's time for sonny to grow up.

 

[LuLuO]

There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.

His kids. His responsibility. He chose to take a job out of town. He chose to live in a place that isn't safe for children. Maybe he needs to get a job closer to where the kids live. I don't know. But, they need to get a custody agreement asap. Each should have their own representation. And when the kids are with him per that agreement, then it is his job to find care for them.

You shouldn't be involved in this at all. You are being put in the middle. That isn't fair. Of course you should be there for your daughter. I'm sure ex-DIL is taking it out on you because you are there and he is not.

 

[hellow]

While I agree with all the posters who say it is the son that needs to work this out, I can still empathise with how you, OP, are feeling. It must be very difficult to watch your DS and DIL go through a hard time in their marriage and potentially split. I feel for you, and wouldn't want to have to go through that myself. It sounds like you are trying to keep peace the best you can, and it is very stressful trying to help all parties work through this transition. I hope your son is able to arrange for care of his daughters during the weekend, and that you aren't too hard on yourself.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

Your son needs to work this out with his wife. You say he doesn't want a divorce, but she might want one if he keeps this up. A judge is not going to be impressed with "I have to work 6 to 7 days a week and be in a wrestling show on Saturday nights."

Yes, the OP is being put in the middle and that's not her fault, her son is pretty much putting her there by having her be the one to deal with his wife. They're just now finding out that "she has the kids unless he's at home" won't work too well, what if he doesn't come home and she has something she wants to do?

 

[LisaInNc]

I would have to say...."a Fantastic Job" would not take him away from his kids when he was supposed to see them.

I see a Cat's the Cradle moment here

Lisa

 

[badblackpug]

Your son needs to work this out with his wife. You say he doesn't want a divorce, but she might want one if he keeps this up. A judge is not going to be impressed with "I have to work 6 to 7 days a week and be in a wrestling show on Saturday nights."

Yes, the OP is being put in the middle and that's not her fault, her son is pretty much putting her there by having her be the one to deal with his wife.

Nope, the OP has allowed herself to be put in the middle. She is perfectly capable of telling these 2 adults that they need to work out their own custody issues. They were old enough to get married, old enough to make children, they are old enough to care for them.

There are a lot of people out there who don't have living parents, or don't have parents nearby, or who have parents who cannot or will not watch their children. They manage. They find sitters, they live in homes that are appropriate for children. They work out visitation schedules. It isn't always easy, it doesn't always give them time to do everything they want to do, and sometimes, *gasp* they have to pay the sitter.

It's all part of being an adult and a parent.

 

[michellev]

I would have to say...."a Fantastic Job" would not take him away from his kids when he was supposed to see them.

I see a Cat's the Cradle moment here

Lisa

ITA. I grew up with a father who worked 6 days a week, often long hours. When he retired, he wanted to be close to me, but honestly, I didn't really know him that well. I understand that the OP's son needs a job, but this isn't a good job - it takes him too far away from his children and for too long.

 

[Bob NC]

It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him.

I think it has everything to do with what is convenient for him.

His getting a job out of town and away from his kids is not convenient for anyone except him.

And I can't really fault him too much on it.

This might be a big part of your perception also.

Step back and look at this objectively. Imagine your son had the kids all the time and the mother of the kids moved away and was only available in sporadic, unscheduled, spurts.

I think you'd be posting with a far different story if you were on the other side of this situation.

Though really you probably shouldn't be as involved as you are anyway.

 

[dakcp2001]

If I were the daughter in law, I would file for sole custody and ask for child support. Maybe this fantastic job could at least help support the children if dad can't seem to make time to see them.