Wedding invite and $

[disneyjunkie]

She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

It doesn't seem silly to us because it's the norm here.

I know it's normal to mail out graduation announcements in some areas. That is unheard of here. I think it's a passive aggressive way to beg for money. I'm sure there are many DISers that would disagree with me.

 

[allison443]

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

I believe those that adhere to the "cover your plate" concept consider the "plate cost" a minimum, kwim? You can give more (like much more to your niece who had a low-cost wedding) but shouldn't give less.
Do you believe we are discussing this like it is a formalized set of rules? I think everyone should do what they want. Of course this is going to be somewhat influenced by customs/cultures.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

It doesn't seem silly to us because it's the norm here.

I know it's normal to mail out graduation announcements in some areas. That is unheard of here. I think it's a passive aggressive way to beg for money. I'm sure there are many DISers that would disagree with me.

I was totally guilty of that. I sent a college graduation announcement to my then-boyfriend's parents. I wasn't asking for a gift, but I thought I was supposed to send announcements. I was shocked when they sent me a gift, but my BF was like - you sent them an announcement, what did you expect? Lesson learned! Fortunately, I only sent them to my family and to his parents, but had I recognized what I was doing, I wouldn't have sent them at all. Now I know better for when my kids graduate. I was the first in my family to graduate college - we were clueless.

 

[granmanh603]

Totally agree with this. There is nothing wrong with declining a wedding invitation - it is not a court summons. It would cost a lot for you to get there (unless you could piggyback a Disney trip onto the wedding trip! ). As far as a gift, I would also purchase something from their registry and have it sent directly to them. You can also check Amazon, Ross-Simons and Macy's if you are looking for a good price on their place settings, etc (or use a 20% off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond). I have been known to buy a registry item from a store where they are not registered, particularly if it is something they can use multiples of. As far as a gift amount, I'd spend what you would spend for a not-close family member - that would probably vary a lot on this thread.

I would send a gift even if I didn't attend since it is family. I wouldn't necessarily send a gift to a wedding I'm not attending if it was an acquaintance or not very close friend.

Yeah I would like to do that...but not in July heat and busy season!!! and we are already booked for Oct, so that also would be spending extra money on the airfare that we have to already spend in Oct. If it was in Oct I would have gone. Anyway thanks for the support...and a gift it will be now all I have to do is find out what is the "going rate" in Orlando Fl area.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I believe those that adhere to the "cover your plate" concept consider the "plate cost" a minimum, kwim? You can give more (like much more to your niece who had a low-cost wedding) but shouldn't give less.
Do you believe we are discussing this like it is a formalized set of rules? I think everyone should do what they want. Of course this is going to be somewhat influenced by customs/cultures.

Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.

I, personally, wouldn't go if I didn't have the $. However, what people also need to keep in mind is that, because of the high COL, and higher salaries, $300 here is not worth what $300 is in other areas. When starter homes cost $500,000, it's nice to help the couple out.

 

[kimisabella]

Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.

If we couldn't afford to give an appropriate gift to the couple, we would not go to the wedding. Two weeks ago we went to a wedding of the daughter of my dh's co-worker. We have never met the couple, ever - but we went and gave $300 as a gift. Basically all of the catering halls/country clubs are around the same per-person cost, so we all know how much a wedding is. We would feel uncomfortable if we went to this wedding, knowing full well how much it cost, and weren't able to give what we consider an appropriate gift.

Next month my sister is getting married - all 4 of us are in the bridal party, it has cost us a fortune so far, and we haven't even gotten to the actual wedding day. Wedding in this area are big $$$$.

 

[natnelliesmom]

When my husband and I got married (and we didn't even register for gifts, never mind a cutesy gimme money poem), my cousins gave us a wonderful gift that we still cherish. They were on a very tight budget at the time and no gift at all would have been fine!
They took our invitation and matted it and framed it. The frame is inexpensive and I'm sure they found the matching matt, standard size, at a craft store and put it all together themselves. They did use brown paper to glue around the back of the frame and attached a hook for hanging.
I just feel like they took the time and love to make us this special gift. We'll be married for 10 years this August and we have moved 3 times since our wedding. The picture is still hanging in our home.

So... just a thought for a gift idea. I am sure you could put it together for under $10.00 and it would cost waaay more if you had if professionally done.
-Sarah

 

[natnelliesmom]

Basically all of the catering halls/country clubs are around the same per-person cost, so we all know how much a wedding is. We would feel uncomfortable if we went to this wedding, knowing full well how much it cost, and weren't able to give what we consider an appropriate gift.
.

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

 

[8esther8]

This is a really facinating discussion. I've lived in the South the last 21 years, and I've never heard of the "cover the plate" thing. I'd probably never pay more than $30. for a gift, unless it was a really close family member. And I can't think of anyone who would feel any differently. Hopefully, you $300. people don't have weddings very often! If I was the OP, I'd give a nice gift card to Home Depot. Everyone could use that.

 

[Belle5]

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

The problem with what you're saying is it's too logical...

 

[8esther8]

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!


What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

Very, very well said, Sarah. And I'd still pretty much pay $30., no matter who was getting married.

 

[kimisabella]

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

I never remember saying that - why don't you re-read the first sentence of my post.
I have never been, and will probably never go to an outdoor wedding in this area - it just doesn't happen. If I did - I would give the gift based on the relationship I had with the couple - if I couldn't afford it the gift - WHEREVER the reception was to be held - we wouldn't go.

This issue comes up every week, it's really getting OLD. It's always the same thing - the northeast having to defend our gift giving customs against the other areas of the U.S. No one here is selfish, it is just the way it is done
Just like we would never have a backyard party, or church party or cake & dessert party or any other types of weddings that occur in other parts of the U.S.

I never remember anyone in the northeast calling people in other parts of the country names, i.e. "selfish" because of their regions traditions and customs.
I really don't know why this bothers other people so much - it's my money going in the envelope.

 

[mjkacmom]

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

-Sarah

There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here). I only gave DH's cousin $100, only because the wedding was in NW MA, backyard, and they gave us candlesticks, and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. Loved the candlesticks, BTW. I would NEVER have expected them to give us money, because it's not the norm in their region.

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

 

[kimisabella]

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

It's because they just don't get it - and never will.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I never remember saying that - why don't you re-read the first sentence of my post.
I have never been, and will probably never go to an outdoor wedding in this area - it just doesn't happen. If I did - I would give the gift based on the relationship I had with the couple - if I couldn't afford it the gift - WHEREVER the reception was to be held - we wouldn't go.

This issue comes up every week, it's really getting OLD. It's always the same thing - the northeast having to defend our gift giving customs against the other areas of the U.S. No one here is selfish, it is just the way it is done
Just like we would never have a backyard party, or church party or cake & dessert party or any other types of weddings that occur in other parts of the U.S.

I never remember anyone in the northeast calling people in other parts of the country names, i.e. "selfish" because of their regions traditions and customs.
I really don't know why this bothers other people so much - it's my money going in the envelope.

 

[kimisabella]

Hey- how are you? How's your son?

 

[disneyjunkie]

Hey- how are you? How's your son?

Great, he graduated yesterday.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

Not offended at all, just curious. I actually find all the regional differences fascinating!

 

[derocas]

I think this is all very interesting. I'm not offended by my custom being referred to as a "NJ" thing. But I am offended by my customs being called "silly" and someone implying that gifts are "nicer" than cash, just my two cents.

I personally don't want someone to incur a financial loss by inviting me to the wedding. Weddings in this area are very expensive. I am honored to be invited. If I have the cash to "cover my plate" (I don't really research the cost either, please don't take this literally it's just a figure of speech) I attend. Of course I give family more money than a coworker that I hardly know. I'm just saying that weddings cost around $40- $50 a person at least. especially with open bar and cocktail hour. This is just how I do things. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just think it's very rude to call things "silly". I don't call anyone else's traditions "silly". Calling someone's customs "silly" doesn't seem very "nice" to me.