Wedding invite and $

[Coll0610]

I grew up in Chicago and we usually used the cost of the meal as a guideline for wedding gifts (although I don't remember hearing the term "cover your plate"). I seem to remember from reading the etiquette books that if you were going to give a gift (not cash) you should have it sent to the bride's house ahead of time. Of course, that was probably from the days when the bride was still living with her parents and someone was home to receive the deliveries. I do know that it is easier for the couple if they don't have to deal with a bunch of gifts at the wedding. Envelopes are a lot easier to take with you than a bunch of boxes.

I now live in Central Illinois and I see more gifts at the wedding receptions than I did in Chicago. Of course the receptions are also smaller and cash bars (or no alcohol) are much more common. I think a lot of those things are definitely regional.

 

[ilovejack02]

Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.

I would give a gift card to the store that they were registered.

 

[tlschmier]

I am actually wondering if there is even a plate to cover? It is at 2pm, so I am thinking maybe Cake only? Anyways, out here it is mostly registery gifts, not money. My wedding I did get some money, bt gifts were the norm. Interesting how it is in different parts.

 

[Costumesaremylife]

Just because you are invited to a wedding does not mean you have to attend.

Is there going to be a reception? In what type of venue will it be held?

I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?

If they are ballsy enough to include a money grabbing poem with the invite, I can't imagine how they would feel about you giving that amount.

Times are tough for too many people. Stay home and send a nice card with your regrets. Keep your money because it sounds like you can use it more.

I understand that you would feel embarrased to go to an expensive wedding and give a small amount of money, but the wedding being expensive isn't for your benefit. It's a party that the bride and groom wanted to throw, you (meaning all guests) shouldn't have to subsidize it. I too come from the cover your plate land, but I'm not about to go broke eating the same chicken dinner at a posh place, versus a local american legion hall. I give something I think the couple will like and use.

 

[derocas]

Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.

If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I didn't take any offense to it either. I just thought it was funny since I had the perception that "covering your plate" was the norm only to read this thread and learn that it wasn't. I was starting to think that maybe it was indeed a Jersey thing. I wasn't in anyway offended.

I just call it a "Jersey" thing since my sister lives in NJ and I learrned about the whole cover your plate thing when her kids got married. It's probably more accurate to call it a Northeast thing, or maybe a big city thing? It is interesting how regional customs are so different, and it becomes apparent when you have family and friends in different parts of the country.

 

[granmanh603]

If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

Thank you for answering. I was feeling kinda funny about this and wondering if what I was doing was right but plane fare, room etc in July did just not want to do for a relative that recently saw only once. So you think just mailing a gift would be OK....does anyone know the norm for a relative gift is in Fl (central near Orlando I think the reception was in Lake Mary) ? Thanks again. Carol

 

[MrsPete]

Let me preface this by saying I'm from the South and have always lived here...

I've never heard of 'cover your plate'...and could never imagine spending more than $50 on a wedding gift, and the $50 would be close family. Also, most weddings around here are not that expensive...and I have never been to a wedding with an open bar or alcoholic drinks...period. I had a very nice wedding 11 years ago that cost $5000. But I digress...

I have given money or checks before, but not very often. Usually if there is no registry, or I can't attend and just send money. I usually buy a gift. And I do think a poem about giving money is just plain tacky. Do what you would have done had there not been the poem included IMO.

Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come.

I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?

Nope, I don't have a clue what you mean.

The bride and groom decide what kind of wedding they want -- big and elaborate, small and intimate. They choose what they are willing to spend. That's all within their range of choice.

You, the guest, decide how much you want to spend upon the couple. If it's someone from work whom you know in passing, it may not be much. If it's a close family member, it's going to be considerably more. What you choose to give is in no way tied to the kind of wedding they're having.

Don't believe me? Here's a test: Let's say you're invited to two weddings. One is a co-worker whom you've known for six months. You like the guy, have met his bride a couple times, and you're happy they're getting married. They're having a lavish wedding, and the reception is going to be held at a restaurant you know is expensive. The second wedding is your niece, whom you've known since the day she was born. You've loved her since she was a baby, you've been to her soccer games and her school plays and her dance recitals, you've spent significant time with this girl as she was growing up, and you're thrilled to see her tie the knot with a fine young man. Low on funds, they've chosen to hold the wedding in her parents' backyard, and you know that they're planning a modest meal.

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

 

[rebster]

Well, I got married a couple of years ago, and some people gave us nothing and some people gave us tons of cash. Honestly, I can't remember who gave what anymore because it didn't matter...it is just that having all of those people there to celebrate with us is what really mattered. We never asked for money or told people where we were registered unless they asked though...that just seemed really tacky to me. Though some people think that just getting a wedding invitation is asking for a gift (I was criticized for this by someone who couldn't afford to come to the wedding because it was in another state and I felt really bad...I had no idea that it would come across that way).

Anyway, Just give what you can and what you want to give. I got cards with nothing in them, and I still have those tucked away somewhere. We are all in different situations and hopefully the bride and groom arn't too focused on money.

 

[dizkids]

,Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

NO WAY! ...Niece all the way... she means more.

I live in NJ and i think its embarrassing when you hear about cover your plate. The thought of investigating the cost per plate to begin with is nauseating. Most of the weddings i have been to are top of the line fancy as can be and each time i go to one it seems like they just "out-do" the last one. I am used to giving the big money but its usually because its a family member, but even that has its limit.

OP i think the invite is tacky to mention giving money. If $25 cash is the gift then $25 cash is the gift.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

Totally agree with this. There is nothing wrong with declining a wedding invitation - it is not a court summons. It would cost a lot for you to get there (unless you could piggyback a Disney trip onto the wedding trip! ). As far as a gift, I would also purchase something from their registry and have it sent directly to them. You can also check Amazon, Ross-Simons and Macy's if you are looking for a good price on their place settings, etc (or use a 20% off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond). I have been known to buy a registry item from a store where they are not registered, particularly if it is something they can use multiples of. As far as a gift amount, I'd spend what you would spend for a not-close family member - that would probably vary a lot on this thread.

I would send a gift even if I didn't attend since it is family. I wouldn't necessarily send a gift to a wedding I'm not attending if it was an acquaintance or not very close friend.

 

[wall*e2008]

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

You are misunderstanding the concept and to call it silly is just rude. First you do not know what the plate actually cost. You are trying to cover what a nice meal out would have cost you. In your case I would give the niece more money and I might also not attend the first wedding.

 

[derocas]

Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come.

I respectfully disagree. I don't consider gifts the "nicer" thing to do. I reserve my gifts for the bridal shower and I give cash for the wedding.

 

[MAH4546]

I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. The whole "give the bride and groom $$$ to cover the expense of their reception" is very much a Northeast (NJ, NY, CT, MA) thing. Pretty much every other place I've lived, a gift, even a modest one, is perfectly acceptable.

It's a big city thing. It's the norm in California, South Florida, etc. I always give a gift based on "cover the plate," which usually means $300-$500.

However, I don't care if it was put in a poem, to place even the slightest suggestion that the gift should be cash? Rude, obnoxious and a total lack of the most basic manners.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Don't believe me? Here's a test: Let's say you're invited to two weddings. One is a co-worker whom you've known for six months. You like the guy, have met his bride a couple times, and you're happy they're getting married. They're having a lavish wedding, and the reception is going to be held at a restaurant you know is expensive. The second wedding is your niece, whom you've known since the day she was born. You've loved her since she was a baby, you've been to her soccer games and her school plays and her dance recitals, you've spent significant time with this girl as she was growing up, and you're thrilled to see her tie the knot with a fine young man. Low on funds, they've chosen to hold the wedding in her parents' backyard, and you know that they're planning a modest meal.

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

I always give family more.

If I could not give the coworker a gift I felt comfortable with, then I wouldn't attend the wedding. I would give him a card with a cash gift. Just not as much as I would have given if I attended the wedding.

 

[mrsklamc]

Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come.

I respectfully disagree. I don't consider gifts the "nicer" thing to do. I reserve my gifts for the bridal shower and I give cash for the wedding.

She said it's considered nicer where she lives, not overall.

 

[mjkacmom]

She said it's considered nicer where she lives, not overall.

She also said giving large cash gifts is silly - here, it is not silly, it is the custom. However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

 

[mrsklamc]

She also said giving large cash gifts is silly - here, it is not silly, it is the custom. However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

 

[mjkacmom]

She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

Around here, you'd feel very silly giving a couple $25 for a formal wedding - just as you'd feel silly showing up in a pair of jeans and a tshirt, because you didn't have a dress.

 

[allison443]

However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

I live in the northeast, I have a huge extended family and also have never heard of anyone having a wedding in a backyard, firehall or elks club. I have heard of communions/kids birthday parties/graduations at those locations though.

I give/spend $25 for a kid's birthday gift. I would definitely give much more for a wedding, and a family wedding gets the most, no matter the location. However I understand things are different in different areas. I find that interesting-I wouldn't criticize someone else's custom and say my custom is better, or theirs is silly. It's just what it is.

Edited to say, my quoting got messed up-the above is from mjkacmom. Sorry!