"You're Not My Mother"

[RitaZ.]

Correct me if I'm wrong (I haven't read all the posts), but I think moms want to be appreciated for all that they do for their families. It's not about gifts or cards (it may be for some, it may not), but I think what we want is genuine appreciation. It's not much to ask. As I said in my first post, is it really that hard to wish your wife or any other mom a Happy Mother's Day?

I didn't get a present or card from my husband or children, I wasn't the least bit upset. My DH made french toast (my favorite) for breakfast and my kids wished me a happy day. I was happy and felt appreciated, that made my day.

 

[becka]

Originally posted by goofygirl
I'm going to stick up for the men here (as I put on a flame-retardant suit!)

Really, if you are not his mother than WHY SHOULD HE buy you a gift?
He SHOULD buy HIS MOTHER a gift, or at least send a card or call.

Same goes for Fathers Day. I don't think the wife has to get the husband anything.

Your spouse gives you gifts on other days- Valentines Day, Christmas, Anniversary day, Birthday. Cripes, isn't that enough???

Your restraint is admirable. I really expected you to chime in on this thread yesterday.

To recap I did say in my OP that I did not EXPECT a gift from DH but what I really wanted was for him to at least say "Happy Mother's Day" or to at least be nice about it. I sure am a witch for asking for so much from him!

You are right that he should not have to buy me a gift because he is not my mother but I think he should have made some effort to do something for me from DS because obviously DS can't exactly make me anything or acknowledge the day in some manner.

I do want to thank the rest of you again. My Mother's Day ended up being just wonderful. DS and I spent lots of time together and we had an appointment to get his 1 y/o pictures taken. (Plus we had lots of leftover cake, etc. from his birthday party and that never hurts! ). In the grand scheme of things this is not really important but I did want to let DH know that he did hurt my feelings by being so flippant and dismissive with his comments.

 

[Mermaid02]

This happened to me a couple of years ago. I disagree with those who say to do the same to him on Father's Day. As Nathan's parents it is up to you and your DH to teach him to be kind, and thoughtful and considerate of other people's feelings.... if you do for his Dad on Father's Day, Nathan will see it as important and he will do for you himself (a picture or card, or a big Mother's Day hug) when he's 4 or 5. My ds made me a card (he's 6) and he even signed his big sister's name to it.

 

[CookieGVB]

Originally posted by goofygirl
I'm going to stick up for the men here (as I put on a flame-retardant suit!)

Really, if you are not his mother than WHY SHOULD HE buy you a gift?
He SHOULD buy HIS MOTHER a gift, or at least send a card or call.

Same goes for Fathers Day. I don't think the wife has to get the husband anything.

Your spouse gives you gifts on other days- Valentines Day, Christmas, Anniversary day, Birthday. Cripes, isn't that enough???

Did your father not help you pick out gifts for your mother when you were younger, or encourage you to make her a card, or at least wish her a Happy Mother's Day, or make her a meal, or take her out????

Somehow, if you had a child and were ignored yesterday, I have the feeling you'd be thinking a little differently about this.

 

[Serena]

A simple, sincere, "thank you for all you do", would have made my day.

 

[MerryPoppins]

DH can't drive due to being in a walking cast, so that put a damper on the gift-giving at our house yesterday. He grabbed a DVD that I had mentioned when we picked up flowers for his mother on Saturday. My DD got me a very thoughtful gift with her own money at the school book fair. I was very touched that she took the time and used her allowance to buy a Chicken Soup book that she knew I wanted. DS has more money, but just never got around to getting me anything. That was okay, too. He did give me some extra hugs and those are getting less frequent as he gets older. They also took me out for subs at lunch and to my favorite restaurant for dinner yesterday.

I got lots of hugs and kisses. I felt very appreciated all day. That is the important thing to me. Not the gifts, but the feeling that they care and that they recognize all the things I do for them.

I bet Becka would have melted if her DH had hugged her and wished her a happy Mother's Day. If he had done that and said, "Nathan, give your mommy a kiss. It's Mother's Day! We need to show her how much she means to us today." it would have made all the difference in the world. It wouldn't have cost him a thing. He's NOT her mother, but she is the mother of HIS child. That should be worth a hug and a kiss in my opinion.

 

[ckr]

Becka: Most importantly, you need to talk with your DH about this. As this was your first Mother's Day, you need to establish that this is NOT how you want future Mother's Days to go. You need to really discuss this and not let it go. (Re-read this thread. MANY of the replies that have said their husbands did this and they let it go have included the EX prefix in the description of the husband!)

Part of growing as a couple and therefore as a family is learning from mistakes. Setting YOUR families traditions is a melting process from both your upbringing and his -- and sometimes a complete meltdown has to occur for the process to really blend. (I've had my share of meltdowns over the years! ha ha!) Just keep comunication open.

The stage that you are currently in (young child) is (IMO) THE MOST STRESSFUL to a marriage. But keep talking through it, because it's a phase and before you know it, you'll have an independent young man that doesn't need you so much and you'll be able to go back to being DH's wife as well. Right now, so much of your identity is as Nathan's Mommy, that perhaps DH is feeling neglected a bit. Just let him know that you still love him and that someday, he'll get you back. (And in our case, it's been almost shocking how much more he gets me!! ) Going through the tough baby years TOGETHER has made us stronger and more connected. So, I for one, advocate always telling the DH what he's doing wrong. It's our job as wife! haha!

Another point about Mother's Day is that without you being Nathan's mother, he would not be Nathan's father. Does he like being a father? If so, then he has you to thank.

Also: My mother in law even sent me a card thanking me for such a beautiful family. As a mother, I look forward to the day that I can say thank you to my Sons-in-law. To be able to see my DDs marry men that make them happy and watching them raise beautiful grandchildren, how could I not be thankful for that? This is the sentiment my MIL was sharing with me. Will your DH be thankful when Nathan marries a great woman and shares his life and creates a family with her? Will he ever want to say, "Thanks for taking such great care of my boy." ?? "Thanks for making me a Grampa!" ?? This is also a part of what Mother's Day is about. Saying thanks to those who make a difference in the lives of those you love.

Just my 2 cents. Good Luck. Marriage and Parenting is tough. Hang in there!

 

[Boots]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[suzannen]

Becka,
Just sending my hugs as well, I remember how special I felt on my first Mother's Day.

While it's true that you are not DH's mother, you are the mother of his beautiful son and that is an equally important part of Mother's Day. I agree with others that I would to try to change his response sooner rather than later so you are not upset year after year. Personally, I would do it by setting an example. I would make a really big deal out of Father's Day planning extra things for him, gifts for him, hugs, favorite meals...and at the end of the day, give him extra kisses, look him right in the eye and say "I wanted your first Father's Day to be extra special as my way of showing you what a wonderful father I think you are to our new son and to thank you for him." Maybe later you could ask him if you had succeeded in making him feel important, accepted and loved in his role as a Dad. If he says "yes" then you can say "that's how I would like to be made to feel on Mother's Day." (If he says "no", then all bets are off!)

Of course, I would probably also buy a card for his mother. How sad if she has never gotten even a card from him.

 

[4greatboys]

Originally posted by goofygirl
I'm going to stick up for the men here (as I put on a flame-retardant suit!)

Really, if you are not his mother than WHY SHOULD HE buy you a gift?
He SHOULD buy HIS MOTHER a gift, or at least send a card or call.

Same goes for Fathers Day. I don't think the wife has to get the husband anything.

Your spouse gives you gifts on other days- Valentines Day, Christmas, Anniversary day, Birthday. Cripes, isn't that enough???

Its not really about the gifts, its about recognition of ALL moms. Dad's job should be to help the kids make mom feel special. Family member could just say momput your feet up we will pamper you today. It could just be a nice meal out that mom doestn have to cook or clean up after. It could be a wonderful drive to the beach or through the countryside. Kids learn these things from mom and dad. So yes I think it is important for mom and dad to help make it a nice day for the other. I sent my aunt a card--she is not my mom, but she is very special to me and she is a mom.

 

[FOJMO]

Originally posted by goofygirl
I'm going to stick up for the men here (as I put on a flame-retardant suit!)

Really, if you are not his mother than WHY SHOULD HE buy you a gift?
He SHOULD buy HIS MOTHER a gift, or at least send a card or call.

Same goes for Fathers Day. I don't think the wife has to get the husband anything.

Your spouse gives you gifts on other days- Valentines Day, Christmas, Anniversary day, Birthday. Cripes, isn't that enough???

Well, I had to dig DEEP into this thread to FINALLY find someone that has my point of view on this subject!

I have continually told my DH that he should NOT do anything for me on Mother's Day, as "I am NOT his mother"! I would rather he do something for his MOTHER! He gets me a card every year, though, and I accept his graciously, but I would rather be acknowledged on my birthday and on our anniversary. I also don't get into this Valentine's Day thing! Pure commercialism.

And as for getting something from your DH that's "from the children" cause they're too young, that's not a gift from them! That's from your DH! Your "reward" comes from the first time your child says "thank you, Mommy" or "I love you, Mom" and not from gifts, cards, etc. from a surrogate.

 

[goofygirl]

Did your father not help you pick out gifts for your mother when you were younger, or encourage you to make her a card, or at least wish her a Happy Mother's Day, or make her a meal, or take her out????

My father was gone from my life when I was 2, so the answer is "no".

My mother really didn't celebrate Mothers Day til I was old enough to understand it- when I was in kindergarten or so- when the class and I made gifts and cards for our mothers.

And she thought that was just fine!

 

[kejoda]

Thats your mother goofygirl. Becka feels differently and she has every right too.

 

[goofygirl]

Your restraint is admirable. I really expected you to chime in on this thread yesterday.

Only because I was too busy with my mother all day to go DIS-ing!


Agree with FOJMO!!

It just so happens that my local talk radio station had this very topic! The male host said he shouldn't have had to buy his wife anything for Moms Day, and all these women were calling in really mad! They are all whining " He didn't buy me anything!!" Good God, no wonder a lot of men think women are materialistic!


In all reality, Mothers Day is just another day, as is Fathers day. There are of no importance. And even my mother agrees with me.

 

[Kelsie]

Becca,

Please don't let this get to you. He is new at this and it will get better.

Yes, he should have at least told you 'Happy Mother's Day' since you ARE the Mother of his child.

I believe Mother's Day is about appreciation. But, in all seriousness, it's just another day and you have a lifetime of them with your baby . I AM POSITIVE it will be more rewarding than anything you will ever do.

 

[bsnyder]

Becka, I'm sorry that this happened. My DH was somewhat like this in the past. So I sat him down and told him that hoidays, including Mother's Day, are important to me. It's not that I'm materialistic or see it as an opportunity to get some expensive gift. But it does show appreciation, as Kelsie said. And much more importantly, he is modeling behaviors (thoughtfulness and appreciation) for our children and how they will treat their future spouses.

My boys are almost grown now, so they are past the stage where DH helps them pick out gifts, cards, etc. I was very touched by their gifts....a lovely bouquet of tulips, and a book from Barnes and Noble. (What I won't tell them is that I already have the book). At least it shows they know what authors I like to read!

More importantly, they took the time to spend their own $$ and time to think of me on that day and show their appreciation, as well as tell me that they love me. And what's particularly gratifying is that they are both in semi-serious relationships now and they treat their girlfriends with little thoughtful gestures too. I don't know if that would have happened without DH showing them that this is an important (albiet not the MOST important) part of a relationship.

 

[aprincessmom]

They are all whining " He didn't buy me anything!!" Good God, no wonder a lot of men think women are materialistic!

It's not the "not buying anything" that gets me angry. It's the "Your not my mother" comment. And technically they are right, we are not their mothers. But we are the MOTHERS of their children. A simple thanks for all you do or an acknowledgement of the job well down would be nice.

It's the gratitude and the attitude not the pulcritude that's important, husband-wise.

 

[becka]

Originally posted by goofygirl
Only because I was too busy with my mother all day to go DIS-ing!

Before you go patting yourself on the back because you are such a better daughter than me and you were with your Mom all day and not DIS-ing then maybe you should remember that the posts you make are dated. I don't want to spend time searching for them but I seem to remember at least 2 posts you started on the CB board yesterday afternoon .

In all reality, Mothers Day is just another day, as is Fathers day. There are of no importance. And even my mother agrees with me.

That is fine if that works for you but I just have one question. If it is of no importance then why did you make a point about spending the whole day with you mother? Why did you also post wishing everyone who has a "furbaby" a Happy Mother's Day?

 

[CynJ]

Gifts aside it was still crummy of him to make such a nasty comment on her first mother's day! He could have just picked up the baby and said "Nathan did you wish Mommy a Happy Mother's Day?" and there probably wouldn't have been any hurt feelings I am guessing on Becka's part. But to come out with a sarcastic hurtful thing like that on what he KNOWS is her first mother's day is not acceptable in my book.

My DH and I do not have any children and don't plan on having any but even so he treats me nicely on mother's day because he knows it bothers me.

Its not the gifts, cards, candy, or flowers that make "special" days, it's the sentiment and love behind them.

One of my most cherished memento's from my DH is a plain piece of copy paper folded in half and a little note written in it in plain blue ink that says "I love you and I meant to get you a nice card but its been a crazy week. Happy Anniversary" - this was my 1st Wedding Anniversary card from my DH that I found on my pillow Sept 16th, 2001.

It IS the thought that counts.....


just my two cents.......

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Originally posted by bsnyder
Becka, I'm sorry that this happened. My DH was somewhat like this in the past. So I sat him down and told him that hoidays, including Mother's Day, are important to me. It's not that I'm materialistic or see it as an opportunity to get some expensive gift. But it does show appreciation, as Kelsie said. And much more importantly, he is modeling behaviors (thoughtfulness and appreciation) for our children and how they will treat their future spouses.

Wise words, as always. I think we should have an "Ask Bet" board.