Your kid stole a calendar, would you want to know?

[halestrm]

So, the neighbor mom is under tons of pressure, going through a divorce, x keeps hanging around her new home, and 2 boys. She is a med tech working second shift, so the boys are home alone a few hours each day.

All in all I like the family. I do not agree with some of the decisions the mom has made, but I believe she made them after honest and hard review.

Here is the sitch (kim possible), the two boys are 12 and 5. The 5 yr old boy stole a calendar I got in an exchange. Because of a change in behavior, I suspected the boys. Later, part of my extras were hanging out between the door and the screen. Sure enough, the sender confirmed they were part of the package.

I questioned the youngest because I thought he had taken the package. Sender stated it had a Mickey stamp, and the boy knows my DD5 is going on a cruise for her 6th birthday in November. He is very jeolose. Understand, he did not get a Bday party last year because Mom is workng her tush off, even with 2nd shift. I offered to check on the kids, and she said thanks, but as long as they can come over if they need us, it is cool.

Sorry, got sidetracked.

Youngest admitted he took the package and he gave the calendar to his mom as a birthday present. I guess she loves cats. He did not deny it, and immediately when I called him over he spilled his guts. He told me I could spank him and he would understand.

He agrees that he needs to pay me back for the calendar, and said he would be here Sat morning help me with my flowerbed. His mom prob. won't think anything of it, because he has come over to help so he can earn flowers or just play in the dirt.

My question is this; do I tell his Mom, or do I drop it? As a Mom, I can't decide. I want my daughter to know secrets beyond gifts, etc are unacceptable. BUT, I am not sure this Mom will react in a positive manner either. I believe in spankings when there is an extreme situation, but with his honesty and willingness to work it off, I believe a spanking is not called for.

So, would you tell the mom?

 

[Aurora63]

Yes, I would. A parent needs to know about their child's behavior.

 

[Pam]

The Mom needs to be told.

I would be wary of both boys from now on -- how do you know that they won't do this again?

 

[mbw12]

Absolutely.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Oh gosh. That story really tugs at my heart. You handled it so well. He fessed up. And for that little guy to tell you you could spank him and he'd understand.

I think he did the wrong thing for the right reason. His heart was in it. He wanted a present for his mom. It's a teachable moment that you handled beautifully. I love how you have worked an arrangement with him to pay for it.

I as a parent would want to know. But, I also know that my children can learn from others too. And I'd be ok with the situation as you have described.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let it go. It has a positive resolution. And that's what you hope for as a parent.
You sound like a really nice neighbor!

 

[luvmydogs]

Yes, I'd want to know if my son were stealing. You're not doing it out of vindictiveness--you have genuine concern for him (and his brother and mom, too).

These boys may be going through some rough times with all that's going on around them, and even though she's got a lot on her plate already, this child's stealing is definitely something of which his mom needs to be made aware.

I think you're a very kind and empathetic person who's just trying to do right by this little boy.

 

[horseshowmom]

This is really tough. On one hand, I would want to know if my child had done that, but on the other hand, you handled it extremely well. Honestly, under the circumstances, I don't think I'd tell the mom. I would let him work off what he did (and work really, really hard) with the understanding that if you found out about any other behavior like this, you will indeed talk to his mom the next time.

Stealing is certainly bad, and I'm not taking it lightly, but he's 5 years old, and most kids do steal something at some time while they're very young. Thanks for caring about him!

 

[halestrm]

The Mom needs to be told.

I would be wary of both boys from now on -- how do you know that they won't do this again?

I trust the boys. Older one had nothing to do with it, yes, he was babysitting but in my honest opinion, he is too young for the job. He wants his free time, but overall, he does a superior job.

The older boy took flowers 2 yrs ago without asking. I told him they were my flowers and he was stealing from me. I believe that that conversation lead the younger one has asked me for flowers in the past (for Mom), and I have given them to him.

These are all in all good boys. They are polite. They have offered to help me with groceries or packages when I come home. They try to remember Ms. Woodmansee (the moms influence) but generally call me Joelle's Mom.

If they don't see me for a week, they run over for a hug.

I trust these boys, they are good boys. But, I remember stealing a ring for my Mom's present once. She needed something so much because she worked so hard.... My mom never knew about it, but the guilt I felt, I believe, kept me from stealing again.

My only concern about telling Mom is that she is trying so hard. I know she spanks, and that is her tool to deal with behavior. I believe she takes it too far. I want the boys to trust me, but family is important also.

I hope I am not rattling to much. I am sorry, emotions are overwhelming at the moment.

Again, please give me input. I hope my answer doesn't feel like I am chasting, I just wanted to explain why I am not weary of the boys, and why I trust them. I tried to figure out another way to say it but....

Thank you for your help, I need to hear all sides (even if it turns out to be just one) so I make a responsible decision.

 

[disykat]

I would tell, but I would also tell that he confessed immediately and offered to make things right. I would compliment her that at age 5 he was willing to take responsibility for his actions. As a mom, I would want to know. I would be upset at the stealing, so it would be nice to hear reassurance from someone else that kids of that age do stupid things and that all in all you think he's a good kid.

 

[halestrm]

I would tell, but I would also tell that he confessed immediately and offered to make things right. I would compliment her that at age 5 he was willing to take responsibility for his actions. As a mom, I would want to know. I would be upset at the stealing, so it would be nice to hear reassurance from someone else that kids of that age do stupid things and that all in all you think he's a good kid.

I am so worried that she will take it as he stole vs he stole but he wants to work it off.

GREAT input.

 

[poohandwendy]

My only concern about telling Mom is that she is trying so hard. I know she spanks, and that is her tool to deal with behavior. I believe she takes it too far.

Honestly, that is not your place to decide. Unless you feel she is abusing her kids, in which case you would have a moral obligation to notify the authorities. I don't think that is the case though, here. At least I hope not.

I think you should tell the mother what happened and how the boy handled it. Let her decide how to handle the situation.

I want my daughter to know secrets beyond gifts, etc are unacceptable.

If you truly feel this way, then lead by example. Be honest with the mother and tell her that you were not sure you wanted to because you were concerned that she would over react. Then allow her to make her own decisions for her family. She has that right, just like you have that right with yours.

And to answer the original question, yes I would want to know. She needs to know what is going on with her kids to be an effective parent. This may be part of a pattern with him right now (that she hasn't told you about). IMO, she has the right to know.

I just wanted to add, it really sounds like you care deeply for these 2 boys, that is so awesome. I think you worked out a great way for him to pay you back. I also think you should tell him that you must tell his mother what happened for the same reason you would tell your own DD about secrets and family.

Good luck to you and this family. I hope things become less difficult for them soon.

 

[halestrm]

Yes, I would. A parent needs to know about their child's behavior.

Oh gosh. That story really tugs at my heart. You handled it so well. He fessed up. And for that little guy to tell you you could spank him and he'd understand.

I think he did the wrong thing for the right reason. His heart was in it. He wanted a present for his mom. It's a teachable moment that you handled beautifully. I love how you have worked an arrangement with him to pay for it.

I as a parent would want to know. But, I also know that my children can learn from others too. And I'd be ok with the situation as you have described.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let it go. It has a positive resolution. And that's what you hope for as a parent.
You sound like a really nice neighbor!

Yes, I'd want to know if my son were stealing. You're not doing it out of vindictiveness--you have genuine concern for him (and his brother and mom, too).

These boys may be going through some rough times with all that's going on around them, and even though she's got a lot on her plate already, this child's stealing is definitely something of which his mom needs to be made aware.

I think you're a very kind and empathetic person who's just trying to do right by this little boy.

Uggh! Don't tell anyone, but I am a softy. It is the honesty and immediate willingness to deal with his repersusions that hit me. I want to tell her, I just hate the fact that she is so STRESSED out with her x. they keep fighting, she keeps yelling at him to leave. I don't interupt because, unless I believe there is emotional or physical violence, it is not my place.

I am so torn up. I think I will ask the Mom out for a coffee tomorrow for anytime over the weekend. Here is another prob. Her X thinks I am spoiled because I go to Starbucks every other weekend (he scopes out the vehicals when he is around) and because my DH and I can afford extras. He offered his X wifes housekeeping services. I told him if the Mom talked to me, I would discuss it with her, but I believed our hours would clash, and (then the big lie) that I really enjoy cleaning house and taking care of my family.

Am I megawimp?

Gads, this is killing me!

 

[CherCrazy]

NO. I would not tell. He's only 5!!!!

This woman is having a really hard time. Based on what you wrote, the child may be needing some attention....remember attention, whether good or bad, is attention for a small child. A child going thru a situation like divorce may be seeking the attention he needs by acting out in this manner. His mom is surely very distracted by the events in her life. Sometimes the village needs to help out in our times of need. This is one of them.

You had a talk with the boy and he's sorrowful and going to do some age appropriate chores to make it up to you. That's a REAL BIG thing when you're 5 years old. I think he seems incredibly mature for his age.

I think a little positive attention here by you will be going a long way towards helping this boy. I would only involve the mom if the bad behavior continues.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I say tell her. If your child did this would you want to know?

 

[poohandwendy]

Here is another prob. Her X thinks I am spoiled because I go to Starbucks every other weekend (he scopes out the vehicals when he is around) and because my DH and I can afford extras. He offered his X wifes housekeeping services. I told him if the Mom talked to me, I would discuss it with her, but I believed our hours would clash, and (then the big lie) that I really enjoy cleaning house and taking care of my family.

I am not sure I understand what you are saying? Why would he offer his x wife to clean your house? (if that is what you mean) I would avoid talking to him at all. And it doesn't matter what he thinks of you or your life, none of

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't think you are a megawhimp. I'm a softy too.

They are good boys. They trust you and feel safe to come to you. You want to maintain that relationship. They might need you when their mother is not available (working). You know if you told the mother you would not be doing it to be malicious. But the 5 year old wouldn't know that.

It has a positive outcome at this point. I would tell the little guy if it happens again you will have to tell his mother (as another poster mentioned).

I would not tell.

 

[Keli]

Oh, this truely is being between a rock and a hard place! I feel for the little guy and hate to see him get in trouble when he's confessed and ready to make restitution. BUT if I were his mom I would want to know. I would tell. I'd hate to, I'd feel bad about it, but at the end of the day I'd feel certain it was the right thing to do.

 

[golfgal]

If my child hadn't confessed to the "crime" then I would want to know, but I think it takes incredible maturity for a 5 year old to confess AND want to do something to make up for it. I wouldn't tell the mom. I would suggest that the boy maybe say something to his mom about why he is helping you this weekend and leave it at that.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Don't tell the Mom unless you want to teach this little guy not to trust and be truthful. He came clean to you and expected a spanking, but gave him a proper punishment instead. Let him see that his trust in you was a good decision, but tell him if it happens again you will have to tell his Mom. He sounds like a good kid.

 

[christinadei]

NO. I would not tell. He's only 5!!!!

This woman is having a really hard time. Based on what you wrote, the child may be needing some attention....remember attention, whether good or bad, is attention for a small child. A child going thru a situation like divorce may be seeking the attention he needs by acting out in this manner. His mom is surely very distracted by the events in her life. Sometimes the village needs to help out in our times of need. This is one of them.

You had a talk with the boy and he's sorrowful and going to do some age appropriate chores to make it up to you. That's a REAL BIG thing when you're 5 years old. I think he seems incredibly mature for his age.

I think a little positive attention here by you will be going a long way towards helping this boy. I would only involve the mom if the bad behavior continues.

ITA here. I think you handled it well and that the boy knows that what he did was wrong and he's trying to fix it. I don't think he'll do it again, but obviouly if it does, you need to tell his mom. I think that the fact that he offered to help is amazing. I have a 5 year old and I can't see him doing that. I think that he feels bad for what he did. Let him work it off.....this time. Also, I think by telling the mom, she'll just be even more stressed out and she doesn't need that either.