Your definition of abuse?

[binny]

I know we all have different ideas about what is considered abuse, especially in a marriage situation. I know this may be too close for some of you to answer here and Im sorry, if you would rather PM me about it I would appreciate that too.

A friend of mine and I were discussing this the other day and we both have very different ideas of what constitutes abuse.

I would really like to get your opinions here.

I would also like to know how you would handle things if you were ever in a situation that you considered abuse.
Would you get out right away?
Would you try to get help for your spouse?

How bad would t have to be before you left?

Thanks for any help you can offer
Binny

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

Your question is much to broad in scope to answer. There are a lot of factors to consider when defining what is "abuse" and how you might react to this "abuse."

 

[Cricket2]

tr.v. a·bused, a·bus·ing, a·bus·es

To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.

You can't argue with a definition.

 

[worm761]

abuse to me is mistreatment. whether it be physical, psychological, or emotional. now personally...i would leave as soon as i could. but i have son to protect. here is my take on abuse with children around~ if it is ok to abuse/hurt me, how long will it be before it is ok for them to do it to the child too??

 

[Pete's Mom]

Verbal abuse can be as painful as physical abuse. Sad thing is that you can call the police if you are physically assaulted, but nothing can be done for verbal abuse.

I left my verbally abusive ex when I found out I was pregnant with Pete. My ex learned this behavior from his father and his father, etc. and I said it stops here!

Edited to add: My ex jokingly threatened me only once with physical abuse stating that he was much bigger than me. I said, that's okay, you have to go to sleep sometime and I meant it! That and having him watch "The Burning Bed" seemed to do the trick and he never mentioned it again.

 

[honeywolf7]

Abuse is treating another person in a way that hurts them purposely (whether that is emotionally or physically-to me sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse.) When I was a child, I always said that I'd get out of an abusive relationship as soon as it happened if it ever happened to me, but when actually faced with the situation I tried to make it work because I thought that I loved him, I was taught that marriage should last forever when I was a child and that divorce was wrong, and I was afraid.

 

[cgcw]

For me, abuse is anything that doesn't feel good to the recipient regardless of whether it's physical or verbal.

I should have walked away much sooner than I did from my ex. BUT he timed things very well. I never had any idea of what was to come until the day we mailed our wedding invitation off. That same afternoon, he pinned me up against the wall because of something I said (don't even remember what it was). Things went downhill very quickly after we were married -- I disregarded my initial thoughts because after all, we just mailed our invitation and I couldn't be thinking this wasn't going to work. I took me 2 years to get divorced from the time I finally left him in an ambulance. I found that the police sympathized with him most of the time. He following me around, harrassed me, my friends, my employer. The friend I was living with had to move her children to a different daycare center because he was showing up there. It was bad. I finally found an attorney who wasn't going to put up with him anymore.

With my second DH, I forwarned him that if I ever had the feeling that he would cause harm to me, I'd be gone. Fortunately, this marriage I made a much better choice for a husband. I've grown to trust that he will never hurt me or our children.

 

[Helopoh]

Verbal abuse can be as painful as physical abuse. Sad thing is that you can call the police if you are physically assaulted, but nothing can be done for verbal abuse.

I totally agree with this and wish it wasn't true.

 

[nativetxn]

I told my husband before we married that if he ever struck me in anger or ever struck any of our children in anger, that I would be gone. I also told him that he may be larger than me but he had to sleep sometime and that I could wait.


It was never an issue. I've been blessed with a kind, caring, thoughtful and generous husband.

I like to think that I would have left him immediately if he had ever hurt me, but I know that I can't say what I would really do until it happened to me. Fortunately, I've never been tested.

 

[glo]

abuse is anything which make another feel less than human and unworthy of being alive or of being loved. If it causes pain, humiliation, and degregation then it is abuse. It does not have to be physical in nature, but that is what is most often thought of when someone mentions abuse.

Being abused is a mental game. The abuser gains control over you by making you feel like you deserve nothing but what is happening. It is not easy to get out, and for many impossible. You can not know the fear that can be instilled. Sometimes the ony way out is just giving up.

I have been there, and I stayed for quite a while....never to return, but for someone who has never gone through it, please never judge, as you really never know the circumstances. Abusers tend play the game so well no one sees it, and isolates the abusee so that they are alone.

If you know someone who you think is getting abused, please never turn your back on them...please

I look at my three girls and pray that they never have to go through anything like that

 

[honeywolf7]

I too pray that my daughter doesn't have to go through it and that my son never abuses a woman (or anyone) in any way.

 

[kylara]

I agree with the wonderful definition that Glo gave. I also agree that it is easy to say "I would never..." but until you have been there, you never know. As I often tell people when doing presentations on this issue, it is not like the abuser walks up punches you in the face and then asks you out. Or walks up and insults you and then asks you out. The abuser usually starts off as a nice person, then they turn a little more controlling as they also eat away at your self esteem. Add into the mix that most victims feel they "love" the person and also that they can change them it is a very difficult mix of emotions. Then you can add on top of that financial dependence in many cases and last the fear and it adds up to a situation that for many is or seems impossible to leave.

Ufortunately, too often in our society people blame the victim...the question is "why did s/he stay?" but the question should be "why did the abuse demean, control, hit, etc?"

 

[Serena]

When my husband and I would ever talk about this we had an agreement. He thought it was funny and told all the guys at work.

If he ever hit me, he'd better do a good job because if I ever got up.......

 

[AmyA]

As for the definition of abuse, I think glo gave an exceptional definition.

I'll admit that when I was younger, I was one of those people that thought the victim should "just leave". It wasn't until I strated working in the NICU and started really talking to the moms that were there under aliases to protect themselves and their child(ren) that I realized it is never, ever that simple.

I'll second glo's advice...if you know someone who you think is being abused, don't turn your back on them. Offer them whatever support you are able, even if you don't understand or agree with their decisions...

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

I think that everyone here has given good examples / explanations of what they feel abuse is and how they would deal with it but if you go back to your original post you say that you and your friend have different definitions or feelings on this subject so you have to realize that everyone will be different on this. Just because I feel that if someone raises their hand to me or tells me i'm stupid everyday that that is abuse the next person may not feel the same. What I am saying is go with your instincts, if it doesn't feel right to you then it must be wrong!!!

Hope I didn't confuse anyone!!!