Yet another MIL vent.

[LindsayDunn228]

This *will* sound awful, but the though that just occurred to me is...

He's more afraid of disappointing *her* than he is of disappointing you, he's more concerned about her feelings than about *yours*.

That doesn't sound awful. I think it happens a lot. "Gotta keep mom happy, the wife will get over it," mentality.

 

[Marseeya]

I think you're pretty close on the money. We talked about it last night and the main theme was that he just didn't know how he'd tell her and/or he didn't want to "break her heart." He's a BIG sucker for tears and she really knows how to turn on the waterworks when it's convenient. It takes a lot to make me cry. I did tell him, though, that as soon as I saw his e-mail asking me about that cruise, I got a huge lump in my throat and wanted to cry. That should be saying something.

I offered to tell her myself if that would help. I wouldn't be mean about it, because I'm not that way, but I have no problem telling her no.

It's so hard for me to see him so desperate to please her, after years of watching HIM cry over her actions. He's got selective amnesia when it comes to her. She has hurt him badly, and she has also hurt my kids (she's done nothing to me personally). I'm very protective of my loved ones and I don't know how to let that go for the sake of a stupid vacation. I'm a very forgiving person and could probably trust her again in baby steps, but a 10-day long trip isn't the way to do it. If she's truly interested in restoring those family bonds, then why hasn't she called to talk to either one of the kids? E-mailed them? Snail mailed them?

 

[Jennasis]

I don't think it sounds like selective amnesia. I think he just wants to please his mom, the same way MOST moms want to please their kids. My DH would rather eat hot coals than go on vacation with my mom (and I feel the same about his mom). However, if my mother asked us to vacation with her and my dad I would have a tremendously hard time saying no even if DH REALLY didn't want to go. I just don't like upsetting my mom. I would eventually find a tactful way, but I would feel guilty and awful about it afterwards.

For example...when DH and I were living together, his mom REFUSED to come to my parents house for Christmas one year because my mom had made "a comment" about my DH. It was semi-derogatory, but ultimately nothing big. I was MORTIFIED that I would have to tell my mom that DMIL wasn't coming. Eventually DMIL shrugged it off and went....she was a silent miserable lump on the couch all day.

Don't be that lump....just stay home.

Invite DMIL out to dinner one night (no kids). If the cruise comes up, tell her that you won't be able to go as it will conflict with your current vacation plans (taking time off and $$$ scheduled for your WDW trip next year). If the cruise doesn't come up, then you bring it up and follow the above mentioned story. Tell Dh (in confidence) that his waffling makes you feel unimportant etc and he needs to grow some wontons with his mother NOW before it strains your marriage any further.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Marseeya, he knows how to tell her "no", he wants to go is the real issue.
I know you don't want to let him go alone and that is where we part ways.
I would have no problems telling my DH to go alone if it meant that much to him.

As far as you don't get to see him stuff, (working 60hrs., choir, & school) that is your marriage issues which has nothing to do with your MIL.

 

[Wishing on a star]

What everyone is saying about your DH is right, Marseeya.

He is not a child.
He is a grown adult man, making his own decisions.

Believe me, your DH is not missing any 'cahones' if he is strong enought to blow you off the way you describe.

You need to make him responsible for his decisions.
Make him responsible for the act of choosing to spend his precious vacation with 'Mommie Dearest' over his own wife.

Look at your own behaviors, and make sure that you are not enabling these issues that you are facing.

And, last but not least
HUGS!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS:

DO NOT speak to your MIL!!!!!!

Do not offer to tell her 'NO'.

This is your husbands mother.
It is his decision.
Believe me, do not step in. It is not your place. It will only complicate things and could make them far worse.

Your husband could feel like you have gone over his head and disrespected him. Especially if deep inside, he wishes that you all would go and try to be one big happy family. (feelings are not always realistic!!!)

Make your OWN decision, that you will NOT be getting on that cruise ship.
Inform you husband.
Let him do with that what he wishes.

 

[Marseeya]

Marseeya, he knows how to tell her "no", he wants to go is the real issue.
I know you don't want to let him go alone and that is where we part ways.
I would have no problems telling my DH to go alone if it meant that much to him.

As far as you don't get to see him stuff, (working 60hrs., choir, & school) that is your marriage issues which has nothing to do with your MIL.

Actually, I did tell him he could go without me! I'd certainly rather he didn't since it would use up most of his vacation time, but I made it clear that he's free to go without me. And if they want to take DD, they can only do it when school is out, although the cruises she's looking at take place during the school year. Not sure how she'll manage to pull her own DD out for that long, but I don't/can't/won't take my kids out of school for vacations.

I don't have a problem with us doing things separately. I'm going to WDW with a friend, and I've encouraged him to take trips to visit his family alone. He's only gone out there once alone, but that's been his decision.

He just doesn't want to use up such a big chunk of his vacation time without me, and I understand that.

 

[Marseeya]

PS:

DO NOT speak to your MIL!!!!!!

Do not offer to tell her 'NO'.

This is your husbands mother.
It is his decision.
Believe me, do not step in. It is not your place. It will only complicate things and could make them far worse.

Your husband could feel like you have gone over his head and disrespected him. Especially if deep inside, he wishes that you all would go and try to be one big happy family. (feelings are not always realistic!!!)

Make your OWN decision, that you will NOT be getting on that cruise ship.
Inform you husband.
Let him do with that what he wishes.

I know, you're right. I've never stepped in the middle of that relationship, but the frustration of it gets to me! He and I can definitely relate, because I have my own mother issues and it frustrates him too!

That gives me an idea... maybe I could send MY mother on the cruise with MIL! Or better yet, tell him that fair is fair -- if we cruise with his mama, then we've gotta cruise with my mama.

Thanks for talking me through this. It always helps to get it out in the open and hear different points of views.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He just doesn't want to use up such a big chunk of his vacation time without me, and I understand that.

If this is true, then why is he trying to get you to go when you have said NO!?
I just don't understand that, I guess.

 

[Marseeya]

Because he probably thinks he'll wear me down eventually.

It worked that way with WDW. Years ago, he said, "We should do Disney."

Me with a horrified look, "What? Why???"

Him, "Nevermind."

A year later, "Let's do Disney!"

Me, "Huh? Why?"

Him, "The kids will like it, but nevermind."

The next year. "Disney?"

Me, "NO!"

Him, "Sigh."

2005. "Can we do Disney?"

Me. "I give up! Okay! Disney! Dangit!"

And the rest is history.

But I guarantee you 1000% that I won't fall in love with MIL cruising the same way.

 

[MELSMICE]

If I've learned nothing else on these boards, I have learned this: Once a mother-in-law has made a mistake--no matter how minor--there is no forgiving to be had. She is doomed to be defined by that mistake for the rest of her life. At least by her son's wife.

I am a "son's wife" & forgiving some things can be difficult. My MIL & FIL drove my oldest home from a party drunk!!!!! I gave them a 2nd chance & let MIL come over to watch 3 DD's one Saturday afternoon. I came home to find MIL drunk. That was about 12 years ago. That is the very last time either of them watched my DD's.

When they asked about it, DH *politely* told them that unless they weren't going to have one drink, they couldn't watch the kids, drive with them or have them over for an evening. They didn't respond - that was answer enough for me.

Other than that, I get along with my in-laws quite well. I'm sure I'm the topic of many not so favorable conversations, but oh well, doesn't bother me.

Back on topic:

But the bigger issue here is your DH and you not presenting a united front. His waffling on the issue is making you the "bad guy". My DMIL and I got along very well, but she did have a strong personality and there were moments when she could have bulldozed over us had my DH not stood with me and presented a united front. I am sure that I was called the pesty DIL when she was discussing an "issue" with her friends or my SILs, but because my DH always stood with me in our dealings with her for those "difficult" issues, there was only so much she would say or only so far she would go.

This is a major issue. DH has to stand up to her. When I need DH to stand up to his family for something I always tell him, "You married me. You can either live with their wrath for a few minutes or you can deal with me for the rest of your life!!!" He always chooses to do the right thing!

 

[VSL]

Marseeya

I remember the first thread about this.

I would be with my partner if he did this to me.
Tell him that it doesn't matter if you have until August to make a decision. The fact is, you already have decided what you are going to do, and it's him who has to make his mind up by August (about whether he vacations with his family or his parents).

 

[rbuzzotta]

I wish you luck with whatever you decide. I don't have a good relationship with my MIL. We took her to WDW with us on 2 occassions. She did not have to spend one dime!!! The first trip was tolerable. The second almost unbearable!! The trips were 12 years apart!!!

My oldest DD was able to see how her grandmother was on this last trip(last April). My other Dd's too but they are younger and more naive. My oldest can't for the life of her understand why her granmother is so miserable. We gave her a vacation of a lifetime and catered to her needs (but obviously not to her liking).

As a DIL, I do tend to bite my tongue when it comes to MIL but am very fortunate to have DH on the same side as me. Actually, he keeps his distance from her and his sister far more than I do!!

The one thing I can say from all this is that now that my girls are getting older, they can finally see for themselves how MIL and SIL are!!! We don't talk bad about them in front of our girls and continue to visit weekly!!! Just this past month, my girls have really begun to give us a hard time with the weekly visits!!! MIL and SIL do NOT acknowledge the girls. MIL just watches television, SIL retreats to her bedroom!!! My girls are so bored on the visits and it takes from their activities and fun time on the weekends!!

I would never force my feelings on my girls. They are now seeing and making judgements themselves. I guess biting my tongue all these years is finally paying off!!! LOL!!

I feel it is MIL and SIL's loss!! MIL is missing out on 3 beautiful young ladies growing up and SIL is missing her nieces grow up (she has no children or intend to have chldren of her own!!). My girls get plenty of love and attention from my parents and my FIL!!!! MIL and FIL had a vry bitter divorce many many years ago and MIL is still angry when his name comes up (or if one of the girls happens to mention grandpa!!! she snickers at them!!).


I wish you the best. Please remember, your kids are the most important thing in the world!!! They will eventually see for themselves!!



Good luck!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Because he probably thinks he'll wear me down eventually.

Oh, ok. If my dh asked me and I said no, that would be the end of it. Our family's dynamic's are different.
We are to the point and move on.

 

[Tumbleweed]

Here's an idea. Plan a one-day long excursion or outing with your
husband's parents. If they've changed their tune, and you enjoy their
company and your kids enjoy their company, then you can consider a
cruise. Chances are that you will all be reminded of why you don't want
to spend a whole week together, and it will be obvious to your husband
and maybe even your in-laws too!

As Dr. Phil says, "the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior."

If they have changed their stripes, you might give them a 3 day cruise
try-out. If they're the same old in-laws, they've made your point for you,
and it be much better illustrated to your family.

 

[Marseeya]

I think (hope) we've come to some resolution to where DH is more comfortable saying no.

I started looking around at prices for the exact cruise MIL was talking about. She wouldn't give us an exact date, just a price for it. Well, every cruise I priced was double that, except for dates like October or November. As I said before, we will not take the kids out of school, and couldn't for that long even if we wanted to. And, with us buying a house next year, we can't afford double what she's saying it is.

DH is going to ask her if, instead, we can go on a much smaller vacation to a beach. I'm sure I can get enough valium to get me through a weekend.

Rbuzzotta, that's such a shame that you all would take your inlaws on a nice trip to WDW, only to have them behave that way on the trip. There's just no pleasing some people. My own mother would be the same way.

 

[juligrl]

Is there any way you can let bygones be bygones?

My DH basically grew up without his grandparents due to infighting between his mother & father and her parents. His grandmother recently died and his mom didn't even attend her own mother's funeral. If she had only tried to patch things up with her mother, then she wouldn't be having such guilty feelings now. What's sadder though is that my husband never really "knew" his grandparents. His grandmother never got to meet her great-granddaughters.

For the sake of your children, would it be possible to be the bigger person and suck it up and go?

 

[Marseeya]

Is there any way you can let bygones be bygones?

My DH basically grew up without his grandparents due to infighting between his mother & father and her parents. His grandmother recently died and his mom didn't even attend her own mother's funeral. If she had only tried to patch things up with her mother, then she wouldn't be having such guilty feelings now. What's sadder though is that my husband never really "knew" his grandparents. His grandmother never got to meet her great-granddaughters.

For the sake of your children, would it be possible to be the bigger person and suck it up and go?

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, sure. But like others have pointed out, things aren't going to change during a vacation. If she wants to start calling more regularly, or be accessible when DD calls her, then I'd be very happy to facilitate. I can't force her to be an involved grandmother -- that's up to her. She's also free to visit, or if she wants to have DD go visit her for a week over the summer, that would be great too.

 

[lovmy2girls]

No flames here! What is it with In laws?? I swear they take a class in how to be ...............
and what is it with their kids not being able to say NO.

Abuse is Abuse! Mental, Physcial, Verbal.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

When they asked about it, DH *politely* told them that unless they weren't going to have one drink, they couldn't watch the kids, drive with them or have them over for an evening. They didn't respond - that was answer enough for me.

*emphasis mine*

Your husband is nicer than I would have been.