Yet another MIL vent.

[sajetto]

There's no way I'd go on a cruise with the devil...I mean..ahem..my future MIL.

Have you told your DH that you're disappointed with the lack of ability he has to use those cahones?

 

[Brianne]

I wouldn't go. Vacations can actually be stressful enough, in a way, without adding a tempermental relationship into the mix.

I don't know the entire history, but if I were in this situation with my MIL, I wouldn't go. Even if she paid for it---the strings attached would be too high for me to deal with.

 

[Michie]

There is no way in hell I would go on vacation with my inlaws.

I am faking my own death to get out of a family reunion next week.

 

[Marseeya]

Thanks for your input guys, and Christine, you BETTER be on my side! I had your back in your thread.

A couple of you made a very good point about mending fences before taking a vacation together, and I will certainly bring that up to my DH. We have a very good relationship with FIL and his now ex-wife, and we went on vacation with them one year. It was fun, but still stressful. Like you all said, I can't imagine what a trip would be like with someone I can't get along with. When we go visit MIL, by the end of the trip I'm so stressed that I'm in a white hot fury by the time we go home -- and that's a 4-5 day trip where we're staying in a hotel! I can't imagine being trapped on a trip with them. She's talking about adjoining rooms. Grrrrrr.

Another issue I have is that this will take most of DH's vacation time. I hate to be this way, but we get little enough time with him as it is. He works 60+ hours a week, plus he's a choir director, plus he's earning his college degree. When he gets vacation time, I want it to be just us having quality time with him, not his mom, who can't be bothered with him any other time.

Like Christine pointed out in her in-law thread, they have an open invitation to visit us at any time, and we'd be more than happy to see them, but they've only visited us THREE times in the past 13 years. I can't imagine in a million years being that way with my kids and grandkids. Wild horses woudn't be able to keep me away from them.

To clarify something, DH apparently hasn't given her an answer. I thought he and I were on the same page with this, but then he's brought it up a few more times getting the same response from me. Now he's saying we need to decide by August. Well, let me see, that's easy.

NO!

I'll let ya'll know what happens after I talk to him this evening.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Keep us posted Marseeya!

 

[Wishing on a star]

To clarify something, DH apparently hasn't given her an answer. I thought he and I were on the same page with this, but then he's brought it up a few more times getting the same response from me. Now he's saying we need to decide by August.

Therein lies your true problem.

 

[MELSMICE]

I wouldn't go either.

DH should just tell his mom that you don't have the funds because you are saving for a house. That's all the explanation that is needed - problem solved!

 

[Michie]

Therein lies your true problem.

I agree. The Dh's side of the family is having a family reunion next week. I am not ( would though) faking my death to get out of it. The Dh just told his parents we would not be there. No explanation, just a no. No explanation is needed.

 

[Christine]

Thanks for your input guys, and Christine, you BETTER be on my side! I had your back in your thread.

A couple of you made a very good point about mending fences before taking a vacation together, and I will certainly bring that up to my DH. We have a very good relationship with FIL and his now ex-wife, and we went on vacation with them one year. It was fun, but still stressful. Like you all said, I can't imagine what a trip would be like with someone I can't get along with. When we go visit MIL, by the end of the trip I'm so stressed that I'm in a white hot fury by the time we go home -- and that's a 4-5 day trip where we're staying in a hotel! I can't imagine being trapped on a trip with them. She's talking about adjoining rooms. Grrrrrr.

Another issue I have is that this will take most of DH's vacation time. I hate to be this way, but we get little enough time with him as it is. He works 60+ hours a week, plus he's a choir director, plus he's earning his college degree. When he gets vacation time, I want it to be just us having quality time with him, not his mom, who can't be bothered with him any other time.

Like Christine pointed out in her in-law thread, they have an open invitation to visit us at any time, and we'd be more than happy to see them, but they've only visited us THREE times in the past 13 years. I can't imagine in a million years being that way with my kids and grandkids. Wild horses woudn't be able to keep me away from them.

To clarify something, DH apparently hasn't given her an answer. I thought he and I were on the same page with this, but then he's brought it up a few more times getting the same response from me. Now he's saying we need to decide by August. Well, let me see, that's easy.

NO!

I'll let ya'll know what happens after I talk to him this evening.

Marseeya--YES, YES, YES I am on your side!! I am SO on your side!

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who actually wants to use their vacation days for VACATION!! I'm also finding in very odd that men can't seem to deal with their mothers very well. I've had my issues that I've wanted my DH to address but he just wants to "keep the peace" and things end up just festering. Where ARE those cajones???

 

[inaminute]

We all make mistakes that we regret. Maybe we don't even apologize down the road. Wouldn't it be a shame if people we wronged in the past would never forgive us? What if we wanted to make a fresh start, to try to make good, to rekindle a relationship with family that we treated badly in the past.

The reality is that if you're the mother-in-law there is absolutely NO room allowed for making mistakes.

If I've learned nothing else on these boards, I have learned thid: Once a mother-in-law has made a mistake--no matter how minor--there is no forgiving to be had. She is doomed to be defined by that mistake for the rest of her life. At least by her son's wife.

There are circumstances where it might be appropriate to cut off a relationship with a family member, but not in the majority. I could never imagine a circumstance where I would not forgive my children for something the did to me. Yet, it's perfectly acceptable for them to hold a mistake over their mother's heads forever. And, they're encouraged by others to do so.

That's just the way it is. And, it's sad. I've been trying, but don't think I'll ever understand the thought process behind it.

 

[nhrenee]

Just say NO! Seriously, I would tell him to go if he wants but the kids and you are not going. If he keeps bugging you book disney for the same week they are cruising!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Another issue I have is that this will take most of DH's vacation time. I hate to be this way, but we get little enough time with him as it is. He works 60+ hours a week, plus he's a choir director, plus he's earning his college degree.

Bottom line you have marriage problems, in-law problems, child problems and whatever else.
Honestly, I don't know how you hold it together.
I would lose it.

 

[disykat]

The reality is that if you're the mother-in-law there is absolutely NO room allowed for making mistakes.

If I've learned nothing else on these boards, I have learned thid: Once a mother-in-law has made a mistake--no matter how minor--there is no forgiving to be had. She is doomed to be defined by that mistake for the rest of her life. At least by her son's wife.

There are circumstances where it might be appropriate to cut off a relationship with a family member, but not in the majority. I could never imagine a circumstance where I would not forgive my children for something the did to me. Yet, it's perfectly acceptable for them to hold a mistake over their mother's heads forever. And, they're encouraged by others to do so.

That's just the way it is. And, it's sad. I've been trying, but don't think I'll ever understand the thought process behind it.

Hello? What thread are you reading? No one here has said she should cut off her relationship with dh's family. (although some have admitted to doing so in their circumstances) There's a big difference between saying "cut off all relations" and "sure, spend your vacation money and vacation time on your dh's family even though you don't want to and you don't get along".

Most people are not made of money, and if they're going to spend a bunch on vacation they'd like to spend it doing something they'll enjoy. They have the rest of the year to try to get along with everyone.

There are many people here frustrated with their in laws. Most of them have years of hurt behind their stories.

 

[FayeW]

This seems like the title should be "DH Vent" not MIL vent!

 

[Marseeya]

The reality is that if you're the mother-in-law there is absolutely NO room allowed for making mistakes.

If I've learned nothing else on these boards, I have learned thid: Once a mother-in-law has made a mistake--no matter how minor--there is no forgiving to be had. She is doomed to be defined by that mistake for the rest of her life. At least by her son's wife.

There are circumstances where it might be appropriate to cut off a relationship with a family member, but not in the majority. I could never imagine a circumstance where I would not forgive my children for something the did to me. Yet, it's perfectly acceptable for them to hold a mistake over their mother's heads forever. And, they're encouraged by others to do so.

That's just the way it is. And, it's sad. I've been trying, but don't think I'll ever understand the thought process behind it.

"A" mistake, yes, I can see what you're saying.

But nobody's talking about cutting her off here. I just don't want to travel with her. She's more than welcome in my home any time. I encouraged a relationship between her and the kids for YEARS, but she was too wrapped up in her own life and just wasn't interested. At what point can a person say enough is enough and stop trying?

 

[Marseeya]

Bottom line you have marriage problems, in-law problems, child problems and whatever else.
Honestly, I don't know how you hold it together.
I would lose it.

It's called love, baby.

Love of Disney.





But really, my life isn't that bad! I've just been having one hellacious year for whatever reason.

 

[Serena]

So, why isn't your dh hearing you? And why won't he stand up to his mother.

Mending fences is one thing, but a vacation on with someone you don't get along with, I don't think so.
A dinner, a cookout, maybe, a weeks vacation, no way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here ya go....

"ummm, Honey (or dear, or snugglebear, or whatever name applies).....

I will NOT be getting on that cruise ship.
Yes, I want you to know, I will NOT be getting on that cruise ship.

 

[agnes!]

This *will* sound awful, but the though that just occurred to me is...

He's more afraid of disappointing *her* than he is of disappointing you, he's more concerned about her feelings than about *yours*.

Maybe you could suggest (sweetly) that ALL of you go away for a loooooong weekend together before any cruise decisions are made, just to see how it all goes ?
Your DH probably won't want to cruise with her after that!

agnes!

 

[Disney Doll]

I am going to be brutally honest here.

Your problem isn't your MIL, it's your DH.

Your MIL is going to behave like she is going to behave, and there will be no changing that. You learn to live with it, deal with it, cope with it to the best of your ability. No one is perfect...not MILs, not DILs.

But the bigger issue here is your DH and you not presenting a united front. His waffling on the issue is making you the "bad guy". My DMIL and I got along very well, but she did have a strong personality and there were moments when she could have bulldozed over us had my DH not stood with me and presented a united front. I am sure that I was called the pesty DIL when she was discussing an "issue" with her friends or my SILs, but because my DH always stood with me in our dealings with her for those "difficult" issues, there was only so much she would say or only so far she would go.

You need a calm rational discussion with your DH as to what is behind his desire to go. You need to find out why it is so important to him. Perhaps his reasoning will make you rethink your stance and perhaps it won't, but unless he's a really lousy husband, you owe it to him to listen to him.