wwyd: teen burned at a sleepover

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I think there is more to the story that your DD is leaving out.

 

[Nancyg56]

If you do go to the parent's, be prepared to hear that they knew they were drinking. I would hope that is not the case, but it happens. One of ds's classmates lived down the road from us and had big parties for the kids all the time. His father was a cop and his mother a college instructor; very nice people that I thought I knew. Lots of drinking was going on at the parties and the parents knew the whole time (were even buying part of it).

I agree that this may be the case. I know a family therapist and the parties that were hosted at her home had alcohol. When I told her I would never allow underage drinking in my home and would never allow my teens to invite friends and then actually serve them in my home she shrugged it off. Better in her home then in someone else's You never know..she was a social worker and was knowledgeable in accidents that involve underage drinking and thought that she was doing her part in preventing those accidents. I wonder if the Dad was thinking the same thing.

In the end the responsibility always is indivdual. I left it up to my children to be responsible for their own behavior, they were to come home if there was dirnking. Period. And God bless them if I found out that they did not call me or if they stayed. I did nto trust that all parents had the same restrictions that I did so I needed to make my children accept that they were accountable for where they were, who they with and what happened while they were there.

 

[ckay87]

If your daughter tries to tell you she slept through that kind of burn, then you can be certain that she was drinking too (heavily.)

I'd call the parents, but just to talk in a peer-peer kind of way. Not to be accusatory or anything. Just to get the full story that you can take to the doctor's office. You do NOT want to take your teen to the doctor with an "unexplainable" burn, kwim??

 

[luvmy3]

I am a bit confused by your dd's story. Is she saying she slept through being burned like that? Or woke up and was already burned that bad? I mean if a hot lighter was laid on your skin, normally you are going to wake up suddenly enough to prevent the burn from getting too bad.

I was thinking the same exact thing. If your dd was burnt while sleeping and didn't wake up AND she says some of the kids were drinking that would be a huge red flag to me that she was drinking as well. OP, I won't jump to any conclusions about your story since you haven't said if she slept through it.
If it were my dd I would talk a little more with her and try to get the whole truth. If there definitely has been drinking involved I would contact the parents. If it turns out these kids were just playing some stupid prank not brought on by alcohol then I wouldn't say anything except tell my dd that if her friends are going to be the stupid ones, she needs to be the smart one

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not sure exactly how I would handle it, because, as others have mentioned, the OP may not have the whole truth.

But, I do have a couple of comments.

1. My 15 year old would be telling me 'the whole truth and nuthin' but the truth' immediately, or there would be serious consequences.

2. This is the biggie..... Everybody is missing this so far.. IMHO, this is NOT just another 'stupid thing that teenagers do'. somebody was burned!!!! Physically injured.... This, to me, raises a huge red flag. Much bigger than some possible drinking. There are issues involved here... Either there are some emotionally/psycologically troubled teens who would do this... Or, (just going out on a limb here.... not saying this is so...) The OP's daughter has done this... similar to 'cutting'.

My 15 year old would not be seeing these girls, going on anymore overnights, etc... until I knew the TRUTH.

I would let my teen know that I am in no way looking to punish her, but that this is important and that I need to know the truth...

Tell her that Physicians are 'mandatory reporters'.
Let her know that questions will be forthcoming, so she should be prepared.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're not getting the whole story OP. Sorry, but one cannot get a bad burn and "sleep" through it. Whatever was goingon....your kid was just as much a part of it as the rest fo them.

And I agree with the PP who mentioned taking your kid to an MD with an
unexplainable" burn... The MD will ask how it happened, if the story she told you was the truth (which I doubt), then it begs the question "where were the responsible adults at the sleepover house?". I am not sure if something like this is a "reportable" event.

As far as calling the other parents...I probably would, but I wouldn't go pretending that your DD was "innocent"...I'd probably take more of a "just to let you know, the girls who slept at your house the other night were all playing with lighters, mine ended up burned and I had to take her to the doctor. There was also mention of drinking. I'm thinking I'm not getting the straight story, but thought you might like to know that "something" went on." Take the tactic that your kid is as guilty as the rest of them (because she probably is).

I also agree with nancyg56 that it may be time to restrict DD's activities a little till she learns some better jdugement.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am not sure exactly how I would handle it, because, as others have mentioned, the OP may not have the whole truth.

But, I do have a couple of comments.

1. My 15 year old would be telling me 'the whole truth and nuthin' but the truth' immediately, or there would be serious consequences.

2. This is the biggie..... Everybody is missing this so far.. IMHO, this is NOT just another 'stupid thing that teenagers do'. somebody was burned!!!! Physically injured.... This, to me, raises a huge red flag. Much bigger than some possible drinking. There are issues involved here... Either there are some emotionally/psycologically troubled teens who would do this... Or, (just going out on a limb here.... not saying this is so...) The OP's daughter has done this... similar to 'cutting'.

My 15 year old would not be seeing these girls, going on anymore overnights, etc... until I knew the TRUTH.

I would let my teen know that I am in no way looking to punish her, but that this is important and that I need to know the truth...

Tell her that Physicians are 'mandatory reporters'.

I have to address this.

1- I do agree that I would be putting serious pressure on my child to tell me what really happened. However- don't kid yourself into thinking that every child will actually tell their parents. Many kids that age would rather lie to their parents in hopes that their parents won't call around town and embarrass them to their friends. Of course nobody wants to believe that their kids would do that but they might.

2- Give me a break. There are no emotional and psyhological reasons everytime kids do something stupid. You are making it like they held her down and burned her with cigarettes. Even the OP thinks the dd is not telling the whole story. It could even BE a cigarette burn that the kid accidentally got and didn't want to get caught smoking. Do you really think the kid was sleeping and got a bad burn without even realizing it was happening? Come on!
Your response is so over the top here. The physician being a mandatory reporter? Of course they are but have you never seen a kid in the office who did something stupid and needs to be treated? Do you think they report every kid who comes in with an injury? What will the doctor report? That the kid has stupid friends?
I would not let the kid go to any sleepovers since I didn't know the truth and since there was drinking and she got burned and tried to hide it.
I wouldn't be calling in CPS and the therapists.
YMMV.

 

[shortbun]

I would call the parents because they need to know that bad choices were made under their noses and they might reconsider having this kind of event in the future. Also, and I tend to agree that your daughter may have held back information, IF this was a malicious thing the teens need to feel the heat of consequences. I would tell the parents that I have heard one version of the incident but that you feel discovery is warranted prior to finger pointing. Perhaps others were burned as well. Playing with lighters could have had a much more serious outcome(not that your daughter's injury is minor) like a house fire. Imagine a couple of drunk teens playing with fire and setting the house on fire. Call them because it could have been a real disaster.

Just adding here that if my kid had been smoking or even with someone who smoked, I'd smell it-alcohol too. I don't miss much as I lived with it and I was a willing participant in many of these activities myself when I was 16-22.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I would talk to your DD again and tell her that you are thinking about calling the parents, but you'd rather not embarass her (or you) if there is more to the story. I'd ask her to fully explain the situation again. If she sticks to the original story, I'd call...but I'm thinking she may come up with a different answer.

 

[twinklebug]

All good valid points here - thank you for your thoughts everyone. I'm taking her over to the doc this afternoon (need to fix a software issue for work first) & I'm interested to see if the story will take on a new twist there.

Her burn is on her right forearm (she is right handed).

ETA - Many of the kids stayed up all night. They apparently do this sleepover as a gang bit at the girls house almost every friday night. Also, there are boys involved (even dd wasn't aware boys would be sleeping over until they got back to the house at 1am after a late movie) and one of the accused "burners" was one of these boys. She was trying to stay awake with them, but kept dozing off for small bits of time & did not sleep though it... She says she woke up and yanked her arm back and the kids laughed at her. She added that when she asked for a bandaid the girl hosting claimed she didn't have any nor did she want to find one. Eventually dd convinced her to poke around with her looking for something. (btw - when I'm burned the first thing I go for is cold water. dd did not. odd hm?)

I'm wondering why dd didnt' call me when this first happened (3am?). She's so independent in taking care of issues it's frustrating.... as a kid she doesn't have the knowledge to know what's the proper way of handling them.

The story has too many holes and question marks. I'm not comfortable calling anyone until I know more.

I want to stress again - I am not look to hang any child out to dry. I know teens will do dumb things -- and I'm sure I don't have even 50% of the story here. UGH. I just want to do what is right by my child, & by the parents of all the other children. It's guaranteed that the moment I call anyone someone will get defensive & I just want to know kids will be safe in the future. Oiy.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am not sure we all are avoiding the drinking, it was probably because of the drinking the "games" were played. The entire thing is touchy, the DD did not really want Mom to know what had happened to her and her story is that it was the others. Mom is no fool, she knows that DD hid the burn for a reason and is probably hoping that DD did indeed sleep though the fire thing but that really is not likely. The Dad, the Police Officer should know that when teens get together in a home there are shenanigans but for some reason missed this little mishap....he may not like the call and as MM points out the OP's DD is going to get tossed under the bus. Next thing is that the other parents will be restricting their kids from the OP's DD.

There is no good way to handle this one. Again, as a parent I would want to know that a kid got hurt in my home, and then I would question why. That is when the drinking will be brought up. I am not at all sure that conversation is going to be pleasant for any of them.

As the parent of this child, I would worry about my DD. Yes, I would call the other parent but then my priority would be with my own child. I would be dismayed that she got hurt and did not tell me, I would wonder how much she was keeping from me to keep from getting in trouble and I would not be letting her go on any more sleepovers for a long time. Whether sh lacked a judgment in friends or judgment in how to handle the party when it got out of hand or judgment in talking to her Mom she clearly made an error.

Well I would have to know the truth one way or the other and without it, my child would not be interacting with those kids anymore. We do homeschool right now--so it is something I could easily control if we continued to homeschool through high school.

But in the off chance that underage drinking was involved and with stories that parents do illegally provide the alcohol, I could not in good conscience not address the topic.

I had an incident recently with my children and a playmate and I couldn't NOT bring it up. It pained me to bring it up, but I had to. The mother handled it appropriately and we were able to get the truth from all children. However-do to the nature of the incident--we don't play with the kids as much. Just b/c I can't risk it.

The parents the OP needs to speak to will either handle it with grace or they will be jerks. That would determine also whether or not there will be second chances.

I happened to know all the parents my kids play with--nature of being a homeschooling mom. So I would feel more at ease, though uncomfortable about approaching a topic of an incident where there are multiple stories.

But bottom line--there is an injury involved and that isn't okay. Drinking has been alleged to have been involved. What's the truth?

Neither cannot be swept under the rug. I understand that it is a challenge when you have older children who are more apt to bend the facts so as not to incriminate themselves.

In the end, as a parent--it isn't about me saving their friendship.

AS for the burn--it would be difficult for anyone to tolerate the pain of skin going through a 1st or 2nd degree burn without trying to protect themselves.

Our instinct is to get away from the source.

I'm not sure the severity of the OP's daughters burn. But it seems that if it is serious, though small--restraint would have to have been used unless the daughter did it to herself. Then it was pure willpower to see how much she could tolerate.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

2- It could even BE a cigarette burn that the kid accidentally got and didn't want to get caught smoking.

I'm not sure it could be an accidental cigarette burn unless it was a REALLY REALLY BIG cigarette.

The burn isn't life threatening, but is raw, a bit larger than a silver dollar and will need professional medical attention in the morning

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I am not sure exactly how I would handle it, because, as others have mentioned, the OP may not have the whole truth.

But, I do have a couple of comments.

1. My 15 year old would be telling me 'the whole truth and nuthin' but the truth' immediately, or there would be serious consequences.

2. This is the biggie..... Everybody is missing this so far.. IMHO, this is NOT just another 'stupid thing that teenagers do'. somebody was burned!!!! Physically injured.... This, to me, raises a huge red flag. Much bigger than some possible drinking. There are issues involved here... Either there are some emotionally/psycologically troubled teens who would do this... Or, (just going out on a limb here.... not saying this is so...) The OP's daughter has done this... similar to 'cutting'.

My 15 year old would not be seeing these girls, going on anymore overnights, etc... until I knew the TRUTH.

I would let my teen know that I am in no way looking to punish her, but that this is important and that I need to know the truth...

Tell her that Physicians are 'mandatory reporters'.
Let her know that questions will be forthcoming, so she should be prepared.

#2--I think this is way over-the-top. Kids do all sorts of stupid things that have nothing to do with emotional or psychological problems. I'm not saying its "okay"...but its not abnormal for kids to "dare" eachother to stick their hand in a flame or whatever. Kids in my middle school used to cut their bf or gf's initials onto their arm--- it was a weird, stupid trend....

 

[luvsJack]

Like someone said, you may never know the whole truth as to what went on, OP. Kids will lie to protect their friends and will lie to keep their parents from doing anything to embarrass them (like going to other parents). And trying to force the truth out of her may just result in her closing off any communication with you.

I would just concentrate on your child and what she was doing, how she felt about the drinking going on, etc. Just keeping the communication going about what went on at the party. If she is around other kids at all, there is always going to be that possibility of the other kids drinking or worse; you want to know that she can handle herself and knows how to get out of the situation and doesn't get pressured into joining in. The burn will heal. My main thing would be wanting to know something worse is not going to happen the next time.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

All good valid points here - thank you for your thoughts everyone. I'm taking her over to the doc this afternoon (need to fix a software issue for work first) & I'm interested to see if the story will take on a new twist there.

Her burn is on her right forearm (she is right handed).

ETA - Many of the kids stayed up all night. They apparently do this sleepover as a gang bit at the girls house almost every friday night. Also, there are boys involved (even dd wasn't aware boys would be sleeping over until they got back to the house at 1am after a late movie) and one of the accused "burners" was one of these boys. She told me she did not sleep though it... She says she woke up and yanked her arm back and the kids laughed at her. She added that when she asked for a bandaid the girl hosting claimed she didn't have any nor did she want to find one. Eventually dd convinced her to poke around with her looking for something. (btw - when I'm burned the first thing I go for is cold water. dd did not. odd hm?)

I'm wondering why dd didnt' call me when this first happened (3am?). She's so independent in taking care of issues it's frustrating.... as a kid she doesn't have the knowledge to know what's the proper way of handling them.

I want to stress again - I am not look to hang any child out to dry. I know teens will do dumb things -- and I'm sure I don't have even 50% of the story here. UGH. I just want to do what is right by my child, & by the parents of the other children. It's guaranteed that the moment I call anyone someone will get defensive & I just want to know kids will be safe in the future.

Well this changes everything. I would call the other parents and my child would no longer be allowed to go to the sleepovers. I would also not be happy about the boys sleeping over. Good luck!

 

[luvsJack]

Well I would have to know the truth one way or the other and without it, my child would not be interacting with those kids anymore. We do homeschool right now--so it is something I could easily control if we continued to homeschool through high school.

But in the off chance that underage drinking was involved and with stories that parents do illegally provide the alcohol, I could not in good conscience not address the topic.

I had an incident recently with my children and a playmate and I couldn't NOT bring it up. It pained me to bring it up, but I had to. The mother handled it appropriately and we were able to get the truth from all children. However-do to the nature of the incident--we don't play with the kids as much. Just b/c I can't risk it.

The parents the OP needs to speak to will either handle it with grace or they will be jerks. That would determine also whether or not there will be second chances.

I happened to know all the parents my kids play with--nature of being a homeschooling mom. So I would feel more at ease, though uncomfortable about approaching a topic of an incident where there are multiple stories.

But bottom line--there is an injury involved and that isn't okay. Drinking has been alleged to have been involved. What's the truth?

Neither cannot be swept under the rug. I understand that it is a challenge when you have older children who are more apt to bend the facts so as not to incriminate themselves.

In the end, as a parent--it isn't about me saving their friendship.

AS for the burn--it would be difficult for anyone to tolerate the pain of skin going through a 1st or 2nd degree burn without trying to protect themselves.

Our instinct is to get away from the source.

I'm not sure the severity of the OP's daughters burn. But it seems that if it is serious, though small--restraint would have to have been used unless the daughter did it to herself. Then it was pure willpower to see how much she could tolerate.

The thing is as to your first statement, sometimes a teen will allow the parent to restrict their friendships and comings and goings rather than tell the truth about something. That way they are in trouble instead of their friends and they "save face". That's why I think it is so important to concentrate on her own dd's behavior, reaction to the behavior at the party and so on. She just cannot force her daughter to tell her the whole truth; encourage yes, force no.

I know all of my kid's friends, too; always have. But there are still those few that we think are just the "best kids" that will do something like this at least once. No one can be with their teens 24/7 nor do they need too. And too, I think its important to remember sometimes you have to handle things a bit different with teens than you do with younger kids.

 

[Lanshark]

As I stated previously, I believe the Dr will ask straight forward questions that cannot be sidetracked. You will probably learn the truth then. Good Luck

 

[shortbun]

Well this changes everything. I would call the other parents and my child would no longer be allowed to go to the sleepovers. I would also not be happy about the boys sleeping over. Good luck!

Yeah, based on the boys being there my child would not be returning AND I would definitely call the other parents. Do the other parents know it's a co-ed sleepover? Sounds like a destructive group of kids. Why not allow your daughter to have some of her girlfriends over on Saturday nights so they can be in a safer environment but still sleepover? Seems that the other parents are pretty lax. I've heard of co-ed, chaperoned, prom sleepovers but every weekend. Someone is gonna get in big trouble. Let it NOT be your daughter.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

BOYS slept over? I'd be pissed off

 

[luvsJack]

Well this changes everything. I would call the other parents and my child would no longer be allowed to go to the sleepovers. I would also not be happy about the boys sleeping over. Good luck!

I agree, it does change everything. I would not allow her back to the sleep overs and, at the very least, let the other parent know why. If nothing else, I would say I didn't approve of the boys being there and knew that something was going on because your child ended up with a bad burn on her arm. And just casually mention it all to the parents of the other girls, not accusing anyone, just more or less putting a bug in their ear. Since the host parents apparently know the boys are there, I wouldn't count on them getting upset about it anyway.