WWYD - Son's BB team dilemma

[DVCBELLE]

SORRY This is so long

My son is 7 and is playing Basketball for the first time. From the beginning we have not been impressed with his coach but unfortunately my DH was not in a position to volunteer this season and I always live by the mantra - Unless you are willing to step in and do a better job...live with the person who did volunteer.

It is a 6/7 year old league at our Y. There is one particular child who is a problem. He does not pass the ball EVER. I can honestly say that I am pretty sure that he has yet to pass the ball in 6 games. He wrestles the ball away from other players (his own teammates included), is aggressive and the games typically turn into free for alls and are very aggressive.

My son has had to leave a game injured. All of the other kids have stopped passing the ball b/c the only hope they have of getting to the hoop is to keep the ball and not pass it b/c this kid will jump in front of the intended recipient or wrestle the ball from them. It is not just a problem that we see - other parents have expressed concern as well.

At Saturday's game, he was being his usual self and the game quickly got aggressive. The other team had a player with a similar attitude and they were paired with each other to guard. I witnessed our player shove the other kid as he drove to a basket. Then I saw our coach complaining about the other kid being aggressive I could not believe that he had watched our team's kid all season and then had the nerve to say something.

The game was so physical that my son pulled himself from the game. I was talking with him and missed what happened when the kid on our team ended up injured and had to leave the game. Our coach and the other coach started going at each other - SERIOUSLY - this is 6 and 7 year olds. And then our player's parents went and got the sports director to step in. He stayed in the gym for the rest of the game and as I watched the interaction realized he was very familiar with the family. Then as mom returned to our side, I heard her introduced to someone who wanted a job at the Y and she proceeded to give him tips on who to talk to and told them to use her name. So obviously, they are connected up there.

Then as we are leaving our player is crying b/c he was hurt and couldn't play the whole game and his dad - right in the hall where there were a lot of players says to him - "you scored 8 points - that is more than anyone else on your team." This in a league where they don't even keep score.

So now my son wants to quit and we are torn b/c our rule is once you make a commitment to a team you keep it...but now he hates the game, isn't learning the fundamentals and on top of that is watching the coaches fight with each other, and hearing other parents tell their kid how much better he is than the rest of his team. Certainly not the experience we were hoping for at the Y!!!

So tonight a letter comes home from practice for all the teams in our league - expressing concern that the games are too physical and that players are showing a lack of sportsmanship.

I feel helpless as a parent. My son hates the team. He has told me that it isn't fun, he still has no clue to play and he gets hurt a lot on the court. My DHs parents let him quit a team once as a child and he said that stayed with him - other kids remembered that he quit. My parent's always made us honor our commitments and I really thought I agreed with this philosophy - until now. I worry that he will hate Basketball now and will never give it another chance. I worry that he will get the wrong message about sportsmanship and he certainly isn't learning the fundamentals of the game.

So I guess my question is - would you let your son quit? We have a month left. Or make him ride the season out - particularly knowing that he has made his mind up that he is not playing anymore and will most likely decline when asked if he wants to go in the game. And if we make him continue - how would you address the problem?

 

[SandrA9810]

I would find a new team. And avoidable injuries at several games would be the first clue to get him out of there.

In the mean time, while you are searching for a new team, have some father/son time, where he can practice the game. He'll probably get a lot more out of it than with his current coach.
If by next season, you haven't found something suitable, try again with your husband coaching the team. If he can't, find a new sport.

Sometimes you just have to learn to take the high road.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That is a tough situation. ON the one hand, I think it is really important to teach kids to stick with something they start. On the other hand, I also think it is really important to teach kids that they can an should remove themselves from situations they are really uncomfortable with an which are not being handled appropriately. An extreme example (but one I saw play out when I taught) would be you would not want your child to hear the message of never quitting so much that they stick with a sport (and don't say anything to you) as a tween even though several kids on the team are abusing drugs in the locker room and the coach is looking the other way.

I think I would start with asking my son WHY he wants to quit the team. I assume it is because of the aggressive behavoiur which is going unchecked--but unless you ask him you cannot really assume that. Maybe he is just bored.

If it is the aggressiveness, then I would explain that normally it is important to hold up his end of the bargain and not quit something he has started, however in this case the coach is not holding up HIS end of the bargain when he allows the teammates to be hurt by this aggression so that makes it okay to stand up for yourself, and either quit or try to change things.

Then I'd ask him if he feels it would be better to just quit and inform the Y of your reasons (and I would have my son involved in writing the letter, so that he sees there is a real and valid reason to quit and that doing so still involves some work on his part--it is not the easy way out) or if he would rather I go in (with him accompanying--again so he sees the effort involved) to speak with the sport's director and attempt to cause a cahnge in how things are handled (knowing that it may not change and at that point quitting would be the thing to do) and then I would go with his choice.

 

[JoShan1719]

-He wrestles the ball away from other players (his own teammates included), is aggressive and the games typically turn into free for alls and are very aggressive.

-My son has had to leave a game injured

-other parents have expressed concern as well.

-I witnessed our player shove the other kid as he drove to a basket. Then I saw our coach complaining about the other kid being aggressive

-The game was so physical that my son pulled himself from the game.

-now he hates the game, isn't learning the fundamentals and on top of that is watching the coaches fight with each other, and hearing other parents tell their kid how much better he is than the rest of his team. Certainly not the experience we were hoping for at the Y!!!

-I worry that he will hate Basketball now and will never give it another chance. I worry that he will get the wrong message about sportsmanship and he certainly isn't learning the fundamentals of the game.

These are all red flags to me. If this were a case where, say, your son just wasn't getting along with one of the other players, I'd make him stick it out (the lesson there being that we won't always get along with the people we have to work with, but we still need to work together). But in this situation your son is scared, unhappy, and physically unsafe. I think in this situation it would be okay to pull him from the team with the understanding that he'll be joining a different team next season.

 

[kacaju]

These are all red flags to me. If this were a case where, say, your son just wasn't getting along with one of the other players, I'd make him stick it out (the lesson there being that we won't always get along with the people we have to work with, but we still need to work together). But in this situation your son is scared, unhappy, and physically unsafe. I think in this situation it would be okay to pull him from the team with the understanding that he'll be joining a different team next season.

Agree

 

[Tinijocaro]

Don't worry about the commitment. He's 7 years old. And if other kids remember that he quit, who cares? He has a perfectly valid reason. I really don't think quitting ONE team will forever make him a quitter. Explain why in this instance, you will break your rule and allow him to quit.

We don't have to hold fast to our "rules" when the possibility of being unnecessarily hurt exists. Let him know that you will try a different basketball team next season and maybe he's like to take swimming lessons in the meantime.

I''ve a couple of my kids quit an activity mid season if I felt the reason was valid. They are not quitters because of it.

SORRY This is so long

My son is 7 and is playing Basketball for the first time. From the beginning we have not been impressed with his coach but unfortunately my DH was not in a position to volunteer this season and I always live by the mantra - Unless you are willing to step in and do a better job...live with the person who did volunteer.

It is a 6/7 year old league at our Y. There is one particular child who is a problem. He does not pass the ball EVER. I can honestly say that I am pretty sure that he has yet to pass the ball in 6 games. He wrestles the ball away from other players (his own teammates included), is aggressive and the games typically turn into free for alls and are very aggressive.

My son has had to leave a game injured. All of the other kids have stopped passing the ball b/c the only hope they have of getting to the hoop is to keep the ball and not pass it b/c this kid will jump in front of the intended recipient or wrestle the ball from them. It is not just a problem that we see - other parents have expressed concern as well.

At Saturday's game, he was being his usual self and the game quickly got aggressive. The other team had a player with a similar attitude and they were paired with each other to guard. I witnessed our player shove the other kid as he drove to a basket. Then I saw our coach complaining about the other kid being aggressive I could not believe that he had watched our team's kid all season and then had the nerve to say something.

The game was so physical that my son pulled himself from the game. I was talking with him and missed what happened when the kid on our team ended up injured and had to leave the game. Our coach and the other coach started going at each other - SERIOUSLY - this is 6 and 7 year olds. And then our player's parents went and got the sports director to step in. He stayed in the gym for the rest of the game and as I watched the interaction realized he was very familiar with the family. Then as mom returned to our side, I heard her introduced to someone who wanted a job at the Y and she proceeded to give him tips on who to talk to and told them to use her name. So obviously, they are connected up there.

Then as we are leaving our player is crying b/c he was hurt and couldn't play the whole game and his dad - right in the hall where there were a lot of players says to him - "you scored 8 points - that is more than anyone else on your team." This in a league where they don't even keep score.

So now my son wants to quit and we are torn b/c our rule is once you make a commitment to a team you keep it...but now he hates the game, isn't learning the fundamentals and on top of that is watching the coaches fight with each other, and hearing other parents tell their kid how much better he is than the rest of his team. Certainly not the experience we were hoping for at the Y!!!

So tonight a letter comes home from practice for all the teams in our league - expressing concern that the games are too physical and that players are showing a lack of sportsmanship.

I feel helpless as a parent. My son hates the team. He has told me that it isn't fun, he still has no clue to play and he gets hurt a lot on the court. My DHs parents let him quit a team once as a child and he said that stayed with him - other kids remembered that he quit. My parent's always made us honor our commitments and I really thought I agreed with this philosophy - until now. I worry that he will hate Basketball now and will never give it another chance. I worry that he will get the wrong message about sportsmanship and he certainly isn't learning the fundamentals of the game.

So I guess my question is - would you let your son quit? We have a month left. Or make him ride the season out - particularly knowing that he has made his mind up that he is not playing anymore and will most likely decline when asked if he wants to go in the game. And if we make him continue - how would you address the problem?

 

[Tink888]

Since the letter just came home, I'd make him go to at least another game and see if anything changes before I let him quit.

As it stands now he hates the game so if he quits, he'll quit hating the game. If the letter prompts the coach to make changes and your son sees this through, his attitude toward basketball might change and he might want to give it another shot next year with a different team.

Unfortunately, in the younger ages, we saw a lot of ball hogs on rec leagues and jerky parents.......well, there always seemed to be one of those on every team my kids have ever played on.

 

[bballmom56]

As a "bballmom" for almost 20 years, I have seen and experienced a lot of different scenarios along the way - boys and girls teams, rec. league, middle school, travel, AAU, and all levels of HS.

This is not a good situation. This is not a learning experience. I would get him out and not look back. And this is from one who always told their kids they must follow through on commitments as well. This is not quitting because he doesn't get playing time, or doesn't get along with the coach or the kids, or he has something better to do. He is not learning skills, he is not learning sportsmanship (except poor sportsmanship), he is not learning teamwork.

I would pull him out and either try to find another program (although many are in mid-season right now) or find a situation with someone who can help him with the basic skills either one on one or a small group arrangement. If Dad is good with those things, that would be perfect. Put a hoop up outside and let them work at it. Then next year, start early and find a different program. Does your school have a rec. league? That is where my kids both started and learned to love the game. We were very lucky we had good coaches.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you have a month left I would stick it out.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Unfortunately, in the younger ages, we saw a lot of ball hogs on rec leagues and jerky parents.......well, there always seemed to be one of those on every team my kids have ever played on.

As a hockey mom of four, hogging the ball, puck...is quite common in the younger ages. They all want to be the one to score, some follow the coaches directions to a tee, others will do anything to be the one to score. Although this kid sounds a bit extreme, and it stinks that the coach allows it, selfish play tends to diminish as they get older. Coaches get more insistent, players comment negatively to the selfish player. They eventually learn to share or end up sitting out.

OP, if YOU pull him out of the program because you don't agree with what is being taught or not taught, then he is not quitting, you are pulling him out.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i'm also a firm believer in honoring your commitments. however, in the circumstance you describe, i wouldn't hesitate to allow my son to quit. he isn't learning anything, except how to be a poor sport.
my DD13 is in her 2nd year of playing upward basketball, and it's been nothing but a positive experience. if you can't get your son on another team next year, you might consider upward basketball next year. the kids have lots of fun and the coaches are great.

 

[golfgal]

I think you need to get past the "if you can't volunteer, shut up" stage because you can't do everything and bring your concerns to the director of the league. Talking to the coach is going to do no good. I would bet anything that the coach loves this kid on his team and that is why he isn't doing anything. This is beyond "my kid isn't getting enough playing time"--obviously the league is aware of this because they sent a letter. It is time that someone steps up and reminds people that these kids are SEVEN YEARS OLD.

Having been a player, coach, parent for over 35 years, I've pretty much seen it all. Coaches are not going to change their behavior unless it comes from the top down. We had a coach in our son's league when he was in 6th grade that spent a lot of time teaching his team how to take cheep shots (basketball). DS came home from one game FULL of bruises. That was also the game that he lost his temper and after a kid closelined him, he reached out and grabbed the kid's foot to trip him. His coach pulled him out of the game, rightly so, but also told us after the game that he had to do that for "appearances" but was secretly saying "way to go"--and so were we. The coaches from the league got together and complained to the league director. That coach is no longer allowed to coach.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP, i'm also a firm believer in honoring your commitments. however, in the circumstance you describe, i wouldn't hesitate to allow my son to quit. he isn't learning anything, except how to be a poor sport.

I completely agree with this. I make my DD honor her commitments but this is extreme. 7 year olds should not be getting regularly hurt playing rec ball.

My DD played on the church league last year. It was through her Catholic school. One of the fathers coached and he knew a lot about bball. Of course his son was the best player on the team. I will admit that his son truly kicked everyone else's butt. But it was supposed to be a multiple grade team (4 - 6) and boy/girl. My DD was in 4th grade and the only girl. The entire team went through the whole season listening to how fabulous his son was and how they never would have won any games if it wasn't for him. Fortunately his son was very modest. The only reason my DD stuck it out was that the son really encouraged HER. He was sweet and kind and told her to ignore his dad. We loved the son. So she stuck it out. Hated it but stuck it out.

But at the end of the season she said "Mommy. I'm done with bball. I'm going to concentrate on my dancing. There's no yelling in ballet." And of course the coach blamed it on me for her not coming back. Told me that if he had gotten to her first she would be convinced she should be playing bball.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think you need to get past the "if you can't volunteer, shut up" stage because you can't do everything and bring your concerns to the director of the league.

ITA with this. THerte is a vast difference between expressing concerns about the decisions a coach makes in regards to the normal play and the decisions a coach makes in encouraging aggressive and dangerous play.

If this kind of play is encouraged, and by not stopping it is is indeed encouraged..........I would pull my child. he is 7 and not old enough to make an informed choice but he sure does knwo when he has reason to be afraid.

 

[stepmommyof1]

My teenage stepson runs track but has never had a problem with that, however last year I got him into modeling... and we did have an issue with that once.

I agree about the "stick with it" mentality, in fact once he accepted a print job and then a couple days later a school dance was announced, and he was mad at me for a while because I told him he couldnt go to the dance because he had already comitted to taking the job. I told him if he never wants to model again then that is fine with me, but he's not backing out on a job he already committed to.

HOWEVER...

as a parent, EVEN WITH a stick-with-it mentality, you STILL have to do what is best for your child...I always make him stick with what he commits to...
BUT one time I took him for a job he got for a national campaign for a teen clothing line.
Once we got there, they wanted him shirtless for the ad (he would just be wearing blue jeans).
He was going to go ahead and do it, even though I could tell he seemed uncomfortable and reluctant to do it.
That is when I stepped in and pulled the mom card and told the director that if he absolutely has to take his shirt off then Im afraid I will have to pull him out of the job and go home.
So I did.

(Modeling, even for teens, can tend to have a seductive nature to it, and teen boys without shirts can be common for the high end designers advertising, and I dont really mind that, but once I saw that my stepson didn't really want to do that and seemed uncomfortable, then thats when Im not okay with it. He is not going to take off clothes because he feels like he "has to"...thats not okay with me.)

SOOOO my thinking is, yes, tell your son once he commits to something, he must see it through.
BUT, when it comes right down to it- YOU'RE the parent, it is YOUR job to oversee what is happening and make the decision for your child of pulling them out if you feel anything is happening that is innapropriate, dangerous, morally wrong, upsetting to the child, etc (whatever the case may be)

After that particular job, I told my stepson that yes I do want him to stick with jobs he commits to. But if he EVER feels uncomfortable about what he is asked to do, then that is the exception, that is when it is ok to say no and if that is how he feels, I will pull him out and take him home and that will be the end of that.

When it comes right down to it, your childs feelings and your childs safety is most important.

 

[brockash]

SORRY This is so long

My son is 7 and is playing Basketball for the first time. From the beginning we have not been impressed with his coach but unfortunately my DH was not in a position to volunteer this season and I always live by the mantra - Unless you are willing to step in and do a better job...live with the person who did volunteer.

It is a 6/7 year old league at our Y. There is one particular child who is a problem. He does not pass the ball EVER. I can honestly say that I am pretty sure that he has yet to pass the ball in 6 games. He wrestles the ball away from other players (his own teammates included), is aggressive and the games typically turn into free for alls and are very aggressive.

My son has had to leave a game injured. All of the other kids have stopped passing the ball b/c the only hope they have of getting to the hoop is to keep the ball and not pass it b/c this kid will jump in front of the intended recipient or wrestle the ball from them. It is not just a problem that we see - other parents have expressed concern as well.

At Saturday's game, he was being his usual self and the game quickly got aggressive. The other team had a player with a similar attitude and they were paired with each other to guard. I witnessed our player shove the other kid as he drove to a basket. Then I saw our coach complaining about the other kid being aggressive I could not believe that he had watched our team's kid all season and then had the nerve to say something.

The game was so physical that my son pulled himself from the game. I was talking with him and missed what happened when the kid on our team ended up injured and had to leave the game. Our coach and the other coach started going at each other - SERIOUSLY - this is 6 and 7 year olds. And then our player's parents went and got the sports director to step in. He stayed in the gym for the rest of the game and as I watched the interaction realized he was very familiar with the family. Then as mom returned to our side, I heard her introduced to someone who wanted a job at the Y and she proceeded to give him tips on who to talk to and told them to use her name. So obviously, they are connected up there.

Then as we are leaving our player is crying b/c he was hurt and couldn't play the whole game and his dad - right in the hall where there were a lot of players says to him - "you scored 8 points - that is more than anyone else on your team." This in a league where they don't even keep score.

So now my son wants to quit and we are torn b/c our rule is once you make a commitment to a team you keep it...but now he hates the game, isn't learning the fundamentals and on top of that is watching the coaches fight with each other, and hearing other parents tell their kid how much better he is than the rest of his team. Certainly not the experience we were hoping for at the Y!!!

So tonight a letter comes home from practice for all the teams in our league - expressing concern that the games are too physical and that players are showing a lack of sportsmanship.

I feel helpless as a parent. My son hates the team. He has told me that it isn't fun, he still has no clue to play and he gets hurt a lot on the court. My DHs parents let him quit a team once as a child and he said that stayed with him - other kids remembered that he quit. My parent's always made us honor our commitments and I really thought I agreed with this philosophy - until now. I worry that he will hate Basketball now and will never give it another chance. I worry that he will get the wrong message about sportsmanship and he certainly isn't learning the fundamentals of the game.

So I guess my question is - would you let your son quit? We have a month left. Or make him ride the season out - particularly knowing that he has made his mind up that he is not playing anymore and will most likely decline when asked if he wants to go in the game. And if we make him continue - how would you address the problem?

I don't think I'd let me DS quit. I agree with a pp that I'd talk to the sports director at the Y, and see if there was any possibility on getting on a different team, although I'm guessing not, this late in the season. I would just suck it up as life experience. It's really sad, but honestly, the sports stuff isn't going to get much better, at least that's been our experience so far. My DS plays every sport, and in each sport there have been crazy coaches, parents and/or players...not always on our team (thank goodness,) but my ds (just turned 9) still sees it. I use them as teaching times, and we have lots of talks after sports games. The good news, is that it sounds like you got a really crappy coach, which sucks for this season, but you have something to look forward to in the future.

ETA: I'm not completely oppose to letting a child quit something, but it'd take a lot (most likely serious physical/emotional damage) for me to be okay with it.
When I was a kid, my parents let me quit a couple things, and I wish they hadn't.

 

[smb6]

Under the circumstances I can understand if you do decide to quit. But personally i would ride it out especially with only a month left. We have the same rule, once you sign up, no quitting.....

Maybe you could look into Christian leagues in the future, around here we have something called Upward Sports. Google and see if there is one in your area. It is way better than the Rec Dept! Love it!

Good luck either way!

 

[DVCBELLE]

Thank you all for your advice...

I am still so torn. I am going to go to the game this weekend and see what happens. Then if it is still really bad then we will decide what to do.

At this point everyone seems to be aware of the issues so now we will see how that pans out on the court.

 

[sparklynails23]

Talk to the coach, but approach it from the position that your son doesn't enjoy it and how can you work together to see that he has more fun. You don't say how the practices are, but if those are good, you could just conveniently be busy during some of the games.

I wouldn't quit. I'm with your husband. It does set a precedent.

 

[golfgal]

Thank you all for your advice...

I am still so torn. I am going to go to the game this weekend and see what happens. Then if it is still really bad then we will decide what to do.

At this point everyone seems to be aware of the issues so now we will see how that pans out on the court.

I would request the the sports director be at the game to witness first hand what is going on. I would also request that he doesn't announce that he will be there and try to observe unnoticed.