WWYD - Son and friends question

[MushyMushy]

There's a huge difference between grown adults who want to help children and grown men who want to play with them as equals.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,
Do you know either of Jim's parents? Perhaps you could make contact with them and discuss your & your DH's concerns. Maybe they should be the ones to address his involvement with much younger children with him.

I have a son with Asperger's and it would concern me if he was seeking out much younger persons to hang out with.

This is not to say that Jim is doing anything inappropriate with anyone else. I'm just saying I would much rather err on the side of protecting my child vs. hurting someone's feelings.

TC

 

[kellyg403]

I have to say that this thread struck a nerve with me. It is one of my biggest fears that DS will be accused of misconduct. DS will be 14 on Mother's Day and has Autism. He is functioning though. So he just seems off or weird to those that don't know him. I have already started to train him not to talk to kids because of this. He doesn't do well with kids his age. He loves little kids though. He can sit an play with a five year old for hours but has nothing in common with kids his age. This will always be but he has no clue. Jim is my son in about 15 years.

I have logged on and read this thread at least three times today trying to stay away from it. My cousin is like 'Jim'...a case of encephalitis and brain surgeries have caused him to look like a 40 year old man yet he his mentally/emotionally a teen. When he comes over he doesn't hang at the adult table, he hangs with the kids...my grandchildren and children. They love him and he loves them. But my aunt has been very careful for a very long time because of the looks and the stares and the stress of worrying that someone will think because he looks like an adult he is weird for enjoying time with teens and kids. He is no molester, and quite frankly probably would not even be able to think in that manner.

OP, Jim sounds like a circle who just doesn't fit into the square world we live in today. It sounds like he also understands boundaries by several of your comments. I, personally, would say to him that while everyone enjoys spending time with him and playing hoops or baseball that it might be better to come on certain days at certain times. And I would welcome him on those days that you and your dh decide on. Until he gives you reason or you have the opportunity to speak to his family members and they give you reason to worry about his intentions, I would set up some boundaries and let it be.

Your children are learning so many things from these moments with Jim. Things that they will carry into adulthood. They will be better parents, better friends and better people all around. They will learn compassion yet how to set boundaries.

Kelly

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children. Your DH knows it and even some of the kids who question this guy intuitively know it.

In fact, I warn my kids all the time about adults or older kids who try to be their friends. Kids belong with kids and adults belong with adults, no exceptions.

I hope you're not too late already, a great deal can happen in 3 years... these kids trust this person now and he is entrenched in their lives. Good luck

I am so sorry your DH has given you such a negative impression of men.

And warning your kids off being friends with adults is very limiting. I had wonderful adult friends - they served as mentors, a sounding board, etc.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

There's a huge difference between grown adults who want to help children and grown men who want to play with them as equals.

I'm having trouble seeing your point here? So does that mean I am supposed to avoid playing soccer and street hockey with the kids in my neighborhood?

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm having trouble seeing your point here? So does that mean I am supposed to avoid playing soccer and street hockey with the kids in my neighborhood?

My point is that people are getting offended that luvorlando has an issue with grown adults wanting to play with kids. In the cases mentioned here, the adults are being adults who are helping kids, not adults who are playing as their equals. When you play games with the kids in the neighborhood, are you going to behave responsibly or will you act at their level? Like in the case where the man in the OP's example had an air pellet gun -- would you do that?

I just don't see a problem erring on the side of caution. Everyone can point out an example of a person with autism being childlike and harmless, but that's not always the case. In my job, I've had two teens with autism and they were FAR from harmless. They were scheming and manipulative and acted out sexually, though on the surface, they were sweet and harmless.

Although I don't necessarily agree with luvorlando to the same degree, I can see her point. An 11 year old child doesn't need that much unsupervised time with anyone, let alone a grown man, no matter what his issues.

 

[Planogirl]

Wow. I see nothing wrong with keeping an eye on things but a few of these posts are just downright cruel. I feel sorry for this guy and hope that he finds a way to fit in.

I'm reminded of a father who felt uncomfortable letting his son be around a certain family member. This family member was a gay male. Not the same thing? No, but making false assumptions about people can lead to problems too.

 

[AshleyW]

My point is that people are getting offended that luvorlando has an issue with grown adults wanting to play with kids. In the cases mentioned here, the adults are being adults who are helping kids, not adults who are playing as their equals. When you play games with the kids in the neighborhood, are you going to behave responsibly or will you act at their level? Like in the case where the man in the OP's example had an air pellet gun -- would you do that?

I just don't see a problem erring on the side of caution. Everyone can point out an example of a person with autism being childlike and harmless, but that's not always the case. In my job, I've had two teens with autism and they were FAR from harmless. They were scheming and manipulative and acted out sexually, though on the surface, they were sweet and harmless.

Although I don't necessarily agree with luvorlando to the same degree, I can see her point. An 11 year old child doesn't need that much unsupervised time with anyone, let alone a grown man, no matter what his issues.

The problem is, if that's how she feels - that is not how her post came out. She said it's "flat out weird" for a man to want to spend any of his free time with a child, and that most men skip out on birthday parties and PTA meetings and the like because it's weird - and honestly I think that's just stupid. Birthday parties and PTA meetings are NOT 'playing on the same level' as a kid. And really, even playing on the same level as kids is fine in certain cases. I mentioned DF does Big Brothers Big Sisters, and yeah, sometimes they work on homework or projects together. But sometimes they go out paintballing or play video games or shoot hoops, y'know - they just PLAY. I think it's incredibly rude and ignorant to say that it's weird for men to spend any free time with kids.

Maybe the guy in the OP is a little strange, and maybe the OP's DH has a reason to be concerned. But she said herself that she doesn't know what goes on when the kids play with this man - so I think if she (or her DH) is really concerned about it, they should sit out on the front porch while the kids play basketball, or maybe sort of supervise while everyone plays to find out what is going on, and if there should really be any cause for concern. But I just don't think it's fair to this guy to tell him he can't hang out with the kids just because it may be a little "weird".

 

[MushyMushy]

Wow. I see nothing wrong with keeping an eye on things but a few of these posts are just downright cruel. I feel sorry for this guy and hope that he finds a way to fit in.

I'm reminded of a father who felt uncomfortable letting his son be around a certain family member. This family member was a gay male. Not the same thing? No, but making false assumptions about people can lead to problems too.

No doubt. I seem to remember this very thing happening to a former DIS member.

At any rate, I don't see why it has to be up to the children in the neighborhood to see to it that this man feels included. Why can't the adults step up to bat and offer to befriend this guy and give him a little attention? I think that might be more appropriate for everyone involved.

 

[NMAmy]

In my world

If your post is indicitive of your world, I'm glad I don't live there.

#4, many child molesters groom kids for years and years before they pounce. Most are not derelicts that grab someone from out of the woods. Most are adults given access to children where the kids feel safe and what is more reassuring than the kids' parents giving it a nod? Ever notice how they tend to be teachers, scout leaders, coaches, boyfriends or girlfriends, step parents, pastors, friends' parents? The one thing all these categories have in common is that other adults sanction the contact with kids which allows them to get in under the radar. All they need is an opening, they'll do the rest.

So we shouldn't ever let any child have any contact except possibly their own mother? If she passes a strict background check, of course.

#5, it's just flat out weird for an adult to spend free time with kids. Look around you for heaven's sake, and pay attention to the men in your world. Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children.

This is just downright insulting to all men. Not every man is a predator. Some men enjoy spending time with kids--even ones who are not their own. My ex is great with kids and has been a coach and a school resource police officer. My DH will willingly attend a young family member's birthday party and has even been known to play tea party with a 3 yo girl when requested.

Sadly, there are a lot of people who think the same way you do which means less volunteers to help with kids in scouting, sports, and organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I can understand their hesitance--who is going to want to volunteer to be vilified?

Kids belong with kids and adults belong with adults, no exceptions.

None? No grandparents? No aunts and uncles? My great-nieces and great-nephew come to my house often. We play games and color and do all sorts of activities together--just like I did with their mother when she was young. I'd hate for my dd to have missed those kind of relationships with family members and family friends.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why can't the adults step up to bat and offer to befriend this guy and give him a little attention? I think that might be more appropriate for everyone involved.

Mushy, I think you just hit the nail on the head!!!!

This guy may be a great guy, and quite harmless!!!

However, the problem that I see.. What is inappropriate that I am seeing, is the level of which he seems to be out on the streets, depending on 'kids' to meet his needs. The OP's last post... there before the school bus... after dark... etc.... THIS is what would bother me, whether it was another kid, a non-neurotypical adult, or whoever.

My son does has some disability and is not quite 'neurotypical'.
He does have a good time with some kids his age.
But, does seem to also really enjoy interacting with younger kids too.
While he is not 'Jim', and will not be 'Jim' in 10-15 years, I am close enough to these issues to know that it is just not right for anyone (regardless of age, or whether they are neurotypical) to be out on the streets to this extent depending on other children to meet their needs.

I am in no way saying that this guy is 'bad', 'dangerous', or anything else. But, it is just not right for him to be on the streets and for children to be forced into the situation of meeting the needs of this special needs adult without some oversight from adults/parents/social service organizations, etc... It is never right for children to be expected to meet the needs of an adult.

Even if my son were to be 'Jim' in 10-15 years, it seems that his family, or other support programs, should be there to keep this from happening.
It sounds like this guy needs some real support. Something other than hanging out on the streets looking for kids to meet his needs.

So, while I applaud the OP's efforts to be understanding and inclusive... I also see her husband's concerns. With what has been described in the OP's last post, IMHO, this situation has now crossed the line from 'uncomfortable' to 'inappropriate'.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My point is that people are getting offended that luvorlando has an issue with grown adults wanting to play with kids. In the cases mentioned here, the adults are being adults who are helping kids, not adults who are playing as their equals. When you play games with the kids in the neighborhood, are you going to behave responsibly or will you act at their level? Like in the case where the man in the OP's example had an air pellet gun -- would you do that?

I just don't see a problem erring on the side of caution. Everyone can point out an example of a person with autism being childlike and harmless, but that's not always the case. In my job, I've had two teens with autism and they were FAR from harmless. They were scheming and manipulative and acted out sexually, though on the surface, they were sweet and harmless.

Although I don't necessarily agree with luvorlando to the same degree, I can see her point. An 11 year old child doesn't need that much unsupervised time with anyone, let alone a grown man, no matter what his issues.

I think you hit the nail on the head with your posts on this thread. I think your perspective is very reasonable.

 

[Colleen27]

My point is that people are getting offended that luvorlando has an issue with grown adults wanting to play with kids.

I think she went a step further than that with this:

it's just flat out weird for an adult to spend free time with kids. Look around you for heaven's sake, and pay attention to the men in your world. Men are not women, they tend to only be interested in their own kids, most can barely stand when their kids' friends are around stirring up things. They do not look to put themselves in situations where kids will cause a stir, they skip out on birthday parties and the PTA. It's just not normal guy behavior to go out of their way to spend so much time around children.

That's what several of us responded to, and it obviously isn't just about playing on the same level as kids (though I don't see anything wrong with that either - heck, is there anything quite as "middle America" than one of the neighborhood dads playing catch with a bunch of kids?).