WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm sorry you are feeling so strongly about this. Frankly I can't imagine getting worked up if my child weren't invited to a party.

I do want to clarify, that everyone is talking about "immediate family". This child is not immediate family to the bride. Immediate family is your mother father, sister, spouse, son or daughter. That's it.

If someone had a weddind and didn't invite their own child (immediate family) I'd think that was odd. In fact, I believe I read that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart didn't invite HF's children, and I thought "I think my feelings would be hurt if my mom remarried and didn't invite me, especially if she invited my siblings". However, this is not the immediate family of the bride or groom.

 

[badblackpug]

Looking for outside opinions. I am the oldest of 4 siblings. My youngest sister will be getting married next Aug ('11). My brother was married this past Feb and my 7 yr old dd was a jr. bridesmaid in the wedding, attended the reception etc. My dd is the only niece/nephew on our side of the family & the groom has one nephew who will be 12 at the time of the wedding.

We are from Long Island, NY and weddings are big affairs here. My mother informed me that my daughter will not be invited to the reception for my sister's wedding. She stated there would be "no children". My dd will be 9 yrs old at the time of the wedding. She will be "allowed" at the church, but not to the reception.

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

In response to your initial question, I'd get a sitter and go.

Seriously? You are way out of line here. This is your sister's wedding and she has every right to have it any way she wants. As a guest you have absolutely no right to dictate how and why she plans her event. I really don't understand why you are so offended. It is not as if she said she specifically doesn't want your child there, she doesn't want any children there. I can't believe that you would cut all ties with your sister over an adults only wedding reception. Just because you are of the opinion that children should be invited, doesn't mean that everyone else is, even your sister. Truthfully, you are teaching your daughter a very bad lesson here, not to mention that you are probably way more upset about this than she ever will be. I have to agree with the PP that said this goes way deeper than an adults only wedding reception.

 

[rodeo65]

Not exactly the same but we are dealing with a similar issue with my parent's 50th Anniversary party this weekend. My two children (7 & 9) and my brother's infant are the only children invited. None of my cousins' children are included. My dad initially wanted all children invited and my mom would have preferred none at all. We have no babysitter available at the moment as both of our usual ones are away at University and staying in their respective cities over the summer to hold their part time jobs year round. We just moved to my parents' city two weeks ago and have not had time yet to search out a new sitter. I had to tell my mom that if my kids were not included, unfortunately I would have to come solo and leave DH home with the kids.

They are having a more adult evening with a cocktail hour followed by dinner and a pianist for the evening but no intended dancing. For my own selfish reasons I had hoped all the cousins' kids would be included so my kids would have others their age to play with. I though maybe we could have had a kids table supervised by the one 19 yr old in the group (who as a cousin's child is not included). Since that is not what my mom wants, and it is her party, we are allowing our kids to bring their DS games and giving them each a new game to play with after dinnner while we mingle. Not ideal, but the best solution next to leaving DH home with the kids, which is worse.

I think if DB and his wife were not coming from out of the country and bringing a three month old nursing infant, DH and the kids would have been staying home. My parents could not have very well said ok to my brother and not to me.

I understand completely everyone's right to have their party the way they want it, be it Wedding reception, Anniversary party or whatever they are hosting. Hosting being the key point. As it is everyone's right to make the decision that is best for their family based on the invitations given. My mom wanted both DH and I there, so the kids are included too. If she felt more strongly that she wanted adults only, she would have let me leave DH home. Of course then he might not be available to lift heavy objects, anymore.

 

[indimom]

My decision is NOT made with malice to my sister, she obviously doesn't care about my feelings or my daughter's. My decision is based on the hurt that my daughter (and myself) will feel seeing the entire family together with the exception of her. I'm not trying to hurt my sister, I am trying NOT to hurt my daughter and myself.

Maybe so...

Why is it okay for you to make a decision (skipping the wedding, which will hurt your sister) in order to solve a problem for you (my daughter was not invited and is sad)...
But it is not okay for your sister to make a decision (no children allowed at the reception, which hurt you) in order to solve a problem for her (how to tell everyone else not to bring their kids)??
Two wrongs don't make a right. Skipping the wedding is not going to make you or your daughter feel better, it's just sharing your pain with your sister and possibly the rest of your extended family.

I have a sister getting married this month. She has made several decisions that I didn't agree with. She made a couple comments that I actually found hurtful (and one related specifically to my daughter), but I know she didn't intend to hurt me. We don't think or look at things the same way. I will be at her wedding and the reception with a smile on my face, happy that she has found a great guy to share her life and children with, after a lousy first marriage. That's what her wedding day is about, not whether or not she hurt my feelings, or who she chose to invite.

 

[Rosiekins]

Im sorry but if this was my sister there would be a major smackdown

1st-I understand the no kid thing but if my sister didnt invite her ONLY niece to the wedding there would trouble..

2nd- your sister didn't have the guts to tell you no kids.. she went thru Mommy..your old enough to get married...stop acting like a child!

3rd- you said that there was your dd9 and BIL dn12...its not like they are going to throw a fit and cry during the ceremony!

Weddings are a FAMILY event. My children are FAMILY If my (immediate) FAMILY didnt even invite my children I probably wouldn't speak to them again! Thankfully I dont have to worry about it because my dd was in my sister's and will be in my brother's in May

I had a ton of kids at my wedding ( I think I had 12) I was a nanny. The kids I took care of were in my wedding..All 3 of the families I watched came. the youngest 2 were the flower girl and Ring Bearer. The 3 oldest did the gifts during the ceremony and the 2 middle ones passed out the programs. I even made them their own favor boxes with juice boxes, snacks, toys, crayons and fun books!

I am a nanny and all my kids were in the wedding too plus my husbands cousins and a friends baby. We had a whole procession of them pulling the 2 babies in a wagon. It was the most special moment of my whole wedding. I can't imagine excluding children and even more excluding your God daughter. Weddings are about family.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

She's teaching her dd that family comes first. Meaning if it is more important to invite an adult co-worker than your own family then it is wrong. Sorry but that is how I feel also. I would be po'd at my sister too if she did something like that. Thankfully having her nieces and nephews at her wedding was never even a discussion because it was never even a question. I would not go to my sister's wedding if she excluded my kids especially if she was the Godmother.

She's teaching her daughter that she, the daughter, comes first. That she is more important than anyone else, and that her feelings come before anyone else's.

Great lesson.

 

[brymolmom]

I am a nanny and all my kids were in the wedding too plus my husbands cousins and a friends baby. We had a whole procession of them pulling the 2 babies in a wagon. It was the most special moment of my whole wedding. I can't imagine excluding children and even more excluding your God daughter. Weddings are about family.

That is a great opinion that you have - but it is yours. Not everyone's families are blood...a lot of people form family-like bonds with friends and others. And isn't it lucky that you were able to do YOUR wedding the way YOU wanted with all the kids and babies in a wagon?....It made it such a special memory for YOUR SPECIAL DAY. Don't you think every bride should have that right, to make their own special memories, by having the ceremony/celebration that the way THEY want to do it? Wouldn't you have been sad if someone special to you decided against coming to your wedding, simply because they were of a different opinion and felt that receptions should be adults-only affairs?

Point being - everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences....and on a wedding day especially IMO they are allowed to handle things according to their own preferences (or in many cases, according to their budget too - kids DO ADD COST to a wedding).

 

[badblackpug]

Maybe so...

Why is it okay for you to make a decision (skipping the wedding, which will hurt your sister) in order to solve a problem for you (my daughter was not invited and is sad)...
But it is not okay for your sister to make a decision (no children allowed at the reception, which hurt you) in order to solve a problem for her (how to tell everyone else not to bring their kids)??
Two wrongs don't make a right. Skipping the wedding is not going to make you or your daughter feel better, it's just sharing your pain with your sister and possibly the rest of your extended family.

I have a sister getting married this month. She has made several decisions that I didn't agree with. She made a couple comments that I actually found hurtful (and one related specifically to my daughter), but I know she didn't intend to hurt me. We don't think or look at things the same way. I will be at her wedding and the reception with a smile on my face, happy that she has found a great guy to share her life and children with, after a lousy first marriage. That's what her wedding day is about, not whether or not she hurt my feelings, or who she chose to invite.

Lovely post. Very nicely said.

 

[Rosiekins]

That is a great opinion that you have - but it is yours. Not everyone's families are blood...a lot of people form family-like bonds with friends and others. And isn't it lucky that you were able to do YOUR wedding the way YOU wanted with all the kids and babies in a wagon?....It made it such a special memory for YOUR SPECIAL DAY. Don't you think every bride should have that right, to make their own special memories, by having the ceremony/celebration that the way THEY want to do it? Wouldn't you have been sad if someone special to you decided against coming to your wedding, simply because they were of a different opinion and felt that receptions should be adults-only affairs?

Point being - everyone is entitled to their own opinions and preferences....and on a wedding day especially IMO they are allowed to handle things according to their own preferences (or in many cases, according to their budget too - kids DO ADD COST to a wedding).

I said I can't imagine it, I didn't say she had to do it my way.

 

[clutter]

I've been to weddings where kids belonged and to ones where they didn't. To each bride/groom their own.

But am I the only one that is going at the fact that mom is the moh? I haven't been to many weddings lately, but I'd never heard of that one!

 

[Myhappythought5]

OP , keep in mind that your sister does not have kids yet so she does not understand how this is hurting you. I would suggest talking to her before you make a decision that may forever alter your relationship with her. I was at a wedding last year and the grooms brother was not there because of a similar situation. The bride and groom did not want children at the reception and the best man's wife was so mad that neither her nor him came to the wedding. It was a real shame and terribly sad. They did not speak again until their mother's funeral a year later. I do understand that you are hurt, I really do-I just hate to see situations get out of hand over things like this.

This was kind of my situation. We were told that we HAD to bring our daughter to the Wedding because we were going to do a family picture but since my husband were in the wedding party and had to ride with the party to the reception we had to pay someone to come pick up our daughter and take her home since she was in no way allowed at the reception. Now she was 1 so I understood but I would have rather her not have to sit through the ceremony either and the babysitter who then had to sit through all the pictures and then take her home. Now the bride and groom were young and are just getting ready to have their 1st ( 8yrs later) and the Bride and I are now best friends. She actually came to me and told me that she wishes she hadn't been so stuck on no kids. She really missed out on having her God daughter be a part of the wedding reception. Because now Grace asks why she wasn't allowed an my SIL says she doesn't have a good reason.
It did cause problems for a while because the other SIL brought hers anyway (MIL and FIL made the bride let them come) so my daughter was the only neice not really allowed there.

So basically all that said. talk with her. She might not know how you feel and like the other poster said. She dosen't have kids and so she doesn't understand that she would be hurt if one of her siblings did this to her and her children.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

She's teaching her daughter that she, the daughter, comes first. That she is more important than anyone else, and that her feelings come before anyone else's.

Great lesson.

Nope. She is teaching her dd that she is just as important as everyone else and not less so because she is a child.

 

[Duckiedee]

Nope. She is teaching her dd that she is just as important as everyone else and not less so because she is a child.

Of course she is just as important - that is why when she becomes a bride she can choose how she wants to do things.

And when her Aunt asks if she is having children there she can say "Why, yes I am!" To her Aunt's complete chargin. LOL

 

[tartemis]

Nope. She is teaching her dd that she is just as important as everyone else and not less so because she is a child.

Mouse House Mama -- I'm just curious, do you ever have adults-only parties where children do not attend? I'm just trying to see the progression of your logic that by not including children you are somehow telling that child she "is not as important as everyone else."

 

[tartemis]

I will also offer this piece of advice -- if you end up choosing to not go to your sister's wedding over this be prepared for a possible lifetime of estrangement. This is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly. Maybe it is the right decision for you -- but I find it a bit odd that you were close enough to accept a MOH position in the first place, but now are willing to completely sever ties over your daughter not being invited to the reception.

My husband's father did not come to our wedding -- the stated reason was because he disagreed with my husband's decision to change his name upon marriage (we ended up using both of our last names, e.g., Smith Jones). Truthfully, however, there have been always issues bubbling under the surface between my husband and his father (as it seems like there is with your sister). Not coming to our wedding was the final straw that terminated my husband's relationship with his father forever. (They haven't seen each other for 10 years now.)

As I said, maybe you never won't to see your sister again, but just realize that is a likely consequence of your decision to pull out of the wedding at this point.

 

[TwinsinCA]

She's teaching her dd that family comes first. Meaning if it is more important to invite an adult co-worker than your own family then it is wrong. Sorry but that is how I feel also. I would be po'd at my sister too if she did something like that. Thankfully having her nieces and nephews at her wedding was never even a discussion because it was never even a question. I would not go to my sister's wedding if she excluded my kids especially if she was the Godmother.

I would also skip the wedding if my kids were not invited. I would never choose my sister over my daughters in this kind of situation.

 

[okeydokey]

I can understand wanting your DD to attend and wishing your sister planned things differently but I can't understand telling her Do it my way or I'm not coming. I think you are in for a lifetime of resentment and bad feelings if you say that.

 

[wizzzzzard]

Just thought I'd throw this out there. My DS who was 2 when both my brothers got married in 2001, was ring bearer at both weddings (1 in July, 1 in August). He was invited to my younger brother's reception, which was in a small banquet hall near to where we lived. We went home that night, and he was pretty good for being in the "terrible two's".

My youngest brother's wedding was a larger affair, and while the church was only a 40 minute trip from our house, the reception was in Bellvue hotel in Center City, Philadelphia. They had rooms blocked off at another hotel nearby, which we did book a room at. They had a breakfast session set up at another hotel in center city.

We asked them if it was OK if they wouldn't mind if we didn't bring our son with us. We did not figure that he would enjoy a night of loud people, a band, and adult dinner. (They were clear that there would be no kids menu served.) Mom & Dad got a needed night out, without thier high functioning autistic son. They didn't mind, and that was the end of it.

 

[bwilcox]

It's her wedding. If she doesn't want kids at the reception, you should accept that. My mom and dad gave me a hard time while I was planning for my wedding: they were recently divorced, dad wanted to bring his new girlfriend, mom didn't want to be around her. It got to where mom was saying, "If she comes, I don't," and dad was saying "if she's not invited, I'm not coming." I have never completely forgiven them for the stress and heartache they caused me at a time that should have been one of the happiest of my life. Family just shouldn't do that to each other. Get a babysitter and have a nice evening with your husband celebrating your sister's marriage. There will be many more weddings to attend in your daughter's lifetime.

 

[pixiewings71]

Ok I haven't read all 6 pages yet but I have had personal experience with this. A very good friend of my XH and his wife said "no children" on the wedding invite, since XH was in the wedding we went but I was not happy about the rule. I asked then H what they were doing with their OWN child and was told he didn't count because he was in the wedding. Ok, I can accept that, no worries. So we go to the wedding (which was beautiful and I was very happy to be there with them) and the reception and low and behold in the back room (at the reception) there are TONS OF KIDS!!!! I was so upset! I had to get someone to watch my 2 kids but others were allowed to bring their kids? I felt that was very unfair and I felt very insulted. We stayed for a while but as soon as XH's Mom & Step-Dad left I went with them, they gave me a ride home so XH could stay and party but I just didn't want to be away from the kids any longer. I never said anything to them, I just said I had the sitter until x time and I needed to go but I really felt insulted. My kids were not poorly behaved at all and had they gone to the ceremony I would have asked to be seated in the back so I could take them out if needed but they would have been fine through the ceremony, even at 12 and 3 they would have been great during the whole thing.
This past year my BFF got married, my kids were very much welcomed and wanted at her wedding. They weren't in the ceremony but they were included in everything, including the engagement party AND bridal shower. My BFF considers my girls hers and she wouldn't have dreamed of not having them there. I even asked her before hand and she was insulted that I asked her if she wanted them there! LOL

Of course every wedding is different but I cannot imagine getting married and not having children there, it just seems wrong to me. Kids are family too. OP I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's never fun to deal with stuff like this, especially when it's your sister.