WWYD? Roommate Question

[aristocatz]

Are you serious or joking? Because, I can still see it as a nice thing to do....but I kind of can see their point a little bit (probably less than I see it as being a nice thing to do....like a hostess gift if you're staying somewhere for a while. OTOH, I can't imagine doing that for my boyfriend and we've been together for two years and known each other for five.)

I was being totally serious I mean I guess it might be a nice hostess gift, but my first impression of it is that she is trying to "take over" & control things. Seems a bit forward for someone to do who has only been dating for 3 months. I just realized that you mentioned she has a child. Is the child staying with you guys as well? Maybe she did it to sanitize and baby proof his area?

 

[bumbershoot]

Are you serious or joking? Because, I can still see it as a nice thing to do....

So, hubby and I got engaged inside of 4 months. But it was OBVIOUS we were heading that way from the moment we met each other. Or rather, within 2 hours, when we were sitting at a table ignoring every single one of our mutual friends while getting to know each other. Then having epic 12 hour dates without ANY physical contact, just finding out everything we could about each other.

It doesn't sound like your friend's relationship is like that, and therefore, coming in gangbusters to take over the house like that is generally seen as a BAD thing. I haven't seen the movie with Matthew McCon...and Kate Hudson, but there's a movie about how to lose a guy in x days, and changing/influencing a guy's housing situation, while it's still in early days, is generally something guys don't like.

In addition, if one of us had pretended to be an animal person but then wasn't, it would have been just as big a problem as pretending to want kids. As it is, we both liked having our parents have animals, but WE don't like being the grownups in charge of animals...it's a weird place to be in, but we've both come to it together.

I've had many roomie situations and some with guys, and I've never been involved with any. If any of the guys in my roomie situations had animals that they looooooved, and I knew that their girlfriends were only *pretending* to looooove them, they would WANT TO KNOW. And I would find some way to tell them.

If there is any question about your and your friend's relationship, either by the friend or his girlfriend, is there any way you could have your boyfriend comment to your friend/roommate about how the girlfriend doesn't seem to be a true dog person? I really feel he deserves to know, especially since she's taking over so much already. Who knows WHAT might happen before the truth comes out?

Gosh I hate the misrepresentations that some do while dating! Hubby managed to misunderstand one thing about me...he for some reason thought I didn't have many purses, just b/c I didn't carry one to a big fair on one date...he ended up surprised (I have many, but they are CHEAP, so it's not a vice like others might have), but I never stated that I didn't have purses. However, he DID misrepresent himself on a few things, or just thought I was joking about a few things that were very very VERY important to me, and not only did it hurt like crazy to find that he thought I was joking during Big Important Discussions, but the misrepresentation nearly destroyed our relationship...

Being a dog lover is important to both sides, and I feel it's something worth letting your friend know.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I was being totally serious I mean I guess it might be a nice hostess gift, but my first impression of it is that she is trying to "take over" & control things. Seems a bit forward for someone to do who has only been dating for 3 months. I just realized that you mentioned she has a child. Is the child staying with you guys as well? Maybe she did it to sanitize and baby proof his area?

Her son is 11 and he is at his grandparents' house for two weeks which is why she's staying here for two weeks. So, she definitely wasn't doing it for that reason. She said (to me) that a big reason she was doing it is that she figured since the dogs had made such a big mess of the carpets, it needed to be done and also because she didn't think that men take as good care of their houses as women. The carpets weren't that bad IMO.
Bumbershoot, I hate misrepresentations too. My boyfriend and I have both said that we don't want games between us and we will never lie to the other one. He is especially adamant that even one white lie is a deal-breaker to him.

 

[daisax]

I'm a dog person, and I would be horrified if a guy did that to me (acted like he loved my dogs but was indifferent to them behind my back). I'd consider it a major deceit, frankly.

In your situation, the most I would probably do, however, is simply comment at some point when you're chatting that he seems very happy with her and she must be someone really special for him to get involved with somebody who's not that into dogs. And then see where it goes. If he says "oh, no, she LOOOOOOVES the dogs" then I'd be candid that while she has never been nasty to them, there's been nothing in her behavior in front of you to indicate that she has much attachment to them at all. If he says he realizes she isn't a dog person but she's working on it or some such... drop it.

Again, this is only if you consider this man a genuine friend whom you do not want to see hurt, even if it backfires on your housing situation. And if she harms the dogs, of course, all bets are off!

 

[kafitty]

i would totally say something. but i'm like that.

i really liked the previous suggestion, about how you love having the dogs with you when he's not there but she is. Fabulous. A great example of tact, something i've had to work VERY hard on.

and to the people who think that she's interested, oh come on. i can't even tell you how sick i am of people immediately assuming a girl is in love with a guy because she cares about him. Well, it IS love, but not romantic love - my buddies are my "little brothers", and i will do anything to take care of them and see to their happiness. But even the thought of being romantic with one of them kinda makes me feel like this hahahah.

 

[MinnieMe87]

Ask him if he gave her permission to lock them up downstairs while he is out. Tell him you miss having the dogs around, but you wanted to check with him first before letting them out yourself.

That should be enough.

I would do that too!

 

[Youarehere]

First of all, I have to laugh at those who think the OP secretly like the guy. Haven't you ever just been friends with someone of the opposite sex? I have had three male roommates that were great roommates but I never had an interest in any of them romantically. I did speak up about one of their girlfriends that I did not like.

Second, yes, speak up. These dogs do not have voices. You are their voice. He should be aware. I would not date someone who treated my pets that way. He may feel the same and shoulod be made aware. I would put it very nicely- like others have said, she is not abusing them, just neglecting.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would mind your own business. She is not abusing the dogs. I like dogs but I think people who fawn over them 24/7 and treat them like children are odd in the same way you think her not doing that is odd. It really is none of your business what goes on with their relationship. You're not his mother and I am willing to bet that you aren't even his best friend. Sorry to be harsh but I think you are blowing this way out of proportion.
As for the housecleaning- well if I was going to stay at my boyfriend's house for 2 weeks I would like it to be clean. You even stated that the rugs "weren't THAT bad" To me that means yuck. She probably likes your roommate but doesn't want to stay somewhere that smells like animals. Carpets especially tend to hold in that smell especially if they are not kept extremely clean. Obviously all of this is not a problem for your roommate. Wish them well and live your own life. The only thing butting in will do is cause hard feelings. JMHO.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Well, she locked herself out of the house for two hours yesterday according to my roommate. I went out to dinner and she must have locked herself out during that time. She walked out to the garage and the door to the house will open from the inside even if it's locked (this is the fourth time she's locked herself out, but I've been home the other times.) She didn't take her cell phone and she doesn't know my roommate's number (just has it programmed in her phone) so she stayed in the driveway in the hot Florida sun for two hours.
Then this morning, my roommate took the dogs to work. She actually had the nerve to say "I'm sorry that you can't leave them here with me today because of my meetings" (she has a couple of business meetings down here during the two weeks.) I didn't say a word but it was hard not to say "why should your meetings matter? You lock them downstairs with me the whole time they're here anyway."

 

[barkley]

Well, she locked herself out of the house for two hours yesterday according to my roommate. I went out to dinner and she must have locked herself out during that time. She walked out to the garage and the door to the house will open from the inside even if it's locked (this is the fourth time she's locked herself out, but I've been home the other times.) She didn't take her cell phone and she doesn't know my roommate's number (just has it programmed in her phone) so she stayed in the driveway in the hot Florida sun for two hours.
Then this morning, my roommate took the dogs to work. She actually had the nerve to say "I'm sorry that you can't leave them here with me today because of my meetings" (she has a couple of business meetings down here during the two weeks.) I didn't say a word but it was hard not to say "why should your meetings matter? You lock them downstairs with me the whole time they're here anyway."

i'm not saying you should involve yourself in it BUT if he's taking the dogs to work on the premise that it's because she won't be home it makes me think she is leading him to believe that she's taking much more care of those dogs than (1) she is truly doing and/or (2) than they truly need.

dh has had a few too many male friends that have gotten involved with manipulative women such that i've foreward dh about redflags i noticed that made me predict MAJOR lifestyle changes that would occur down the road (and he's had to concede in the long run i've been right), and my "radar" is making me think she's moving towards those dogs either leaving the house or becoming relegated to an area not where he has them now.

step 1-"the doggies love me and look at how much cleaner the place is when i'm here and can take care of them".

step 2- (after the cleaning service is abandoned) "the dogs are becoming a bit too much to keep up with-let's relegate them to mostly downstairs where i can still spend lots of time and attention with them".

step 3-"it's not fair to the dogs, they are used to having me with them 24/7, and i can't ignore my obligations to my child, my buisness meetings-is it realy fair for them or would'nt they be happier in another home?".

step 4 (after becoming married or firmly emotionaly entrenched in the relationship/household) "the dogs just are'nt working out, they have to go".


of course she could avoid all of the steps and just wait until she's got him firmly emotionaly entrenched (with herself or as in many cases-with her child) and then just claim that she/her child have been having allergic problems with the dogs that she's demonstrated trying to abate through not only her own cleaning efforts but those of professionals-so it's not a "personal" thing and while she "adores" his "babies" it's a health factor

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Barkley, that's what I can see happening as well (not the exact steps but the end result) and that's why it bothers me so much.
On the positive side, I kind of felt bad for her locking herself out for two hours but my roommate was practically laughing at her when he came to my room to see the dog that I had with me and told me about it.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

OTOH, I kind of had been thinking of it this way. She has a son. What if he was pretending to be a kid person and he wasn't or pretending to like her son and he didn't? To him, the dogs are like his kids.

I know a lot of guys who pretend to like kids to get dates. On their Myspace and match.com and whatever they all say someday they want kids.

In private, though, I've heard all of them say they laugh about it and would never in a million years consider a serious relationship with a woman with kids.

(these are men in their early 30's so around here there are still plenty of women without kids in their early 30's... not that there's ever an excuse for lying and toying with someone's emotions but even LESS here because there is no need whatsoever).

One of the guys I know, a friend of my parents, told me the ones with kids are usually more "desperate for a man" and then just laughed. I can't say what I think of him or I'd get points. But my male roommate is the same way. He dates them until he gets bored then tells them he can't deal with the ex or the kids or both. It's infuriating. I kinda yelled at him once about it and he just said "there are no women who don't want kids" and I was just baffled because I don't want kids, and of my girlfriends, only a few actually want kids.

I personally don't want children. And I have a zero tolerance policy with exes. Thus, I only date men with no kids. Seems pretty simple to me. Something as important as kids should be a dealbreaker, either way. And liars just make me sick.

 

[barkley]

Barkley, that's what I can see happening as well (not the exact steps but the end result) and that's why it bothers me so much.
On the positive side, I kind of felt bad for her locking herself out for two hours but my roommate was practically laughing at her when he came to my room to see the dog that I had with me and told me about it.

if she does'nt have one already this could be the classic basis for the "this is why i need my OWN key to your place" discussion (and if she's REALY good she can drive it home with "god forbid if the dogs needed me-what with me locked outside and them TRAPPED, ALONE AND FRIGHTENED inside"

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Barkley, the other good thing is that she lives in Atlanta and will be going home on Monday. She just came down to stay for two weeks.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would mind your own business. She is not abusing the dogs. I like dogs but I think people who fawn over them 24/7 and treat them like children are odd in the same way you think her not doing that is odd. It really is none of your business what goes on with their relationship. You're not his mother and I am willing to bet that you aren't even his best friend. Sorry to be harsh but I think you are blowing this way out of proportion.
As for the housecleaning- well if I was going to stay at my boyfriend's house for 2 weeks I would like it to be clean. You even stated that the rugs "weren't THAT bad" To me that means yuck. She probably likes your roommate but doesn't want to stay somewhere that smells like animals. Carpets especially tend to hold in that smell especially if they are not kept extremely clean. Obviously all of this is not a problem for your roommate. Wish them well and live your own life. The only thing butting in will do is cause hard feelings. JMHO.

I have to agree - I like dogs, had one, but do really need to play with them all day? I used to work, and my dog was on her own all day. My DH is a dog-tolerator, not liker or lover, and it wasn't a problem when we got married, and he now lived with my dog. I also have to agree that with 2 dogs, the carpet probably did need to be cleaned, but if you are used to it, you probably don't notice it.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

i'm not saying you should involve yourself in it BUT if he's taking the dogs to work on the premise that it's because she won't be home it makes me think she is leading him to believe that she's taking much more care of those dogs than (1) she is truly doing and/or (2) than they truly need.

dh has had a few too many male friends that have gotten involved with manipulative women such that i've foreward dh about redflags i noticed that made me predict MAJOR lifestyle changes that would occur down the road (and he's had to concede in the long run i've been right), and my "radar" is making me think she's moving towards those dogs either leaving the house or becoming relegated to an area not where he has them now.

step 1-"the doggies love me and look at how much cleaner the place is when i'm here and can take care of them".

step 2- (after the cleaning service is abandoned) "the dogs are becoming a bit too much to keep up with-let's relegate them to mostly downstairs where i can still spend lots of time and attention with them".

step 3-"it's not fair to the dogs, they are used to having me with them 24/7, and i can't ignore my obligations to my child, my buisness meetings-is it realy fair for them or would'nt they be happier in another home?".

step 4 (after becoming married or firmly emotionaly entrenched in the relationship/household) "the dogs just are'nt working out, they have to go".


of course she could avoid all of the steps and just wait until she's got him firmly emotionaly entrenched (with herself or as in many cases-with her child) and then just claim that she/her child have been having allergic problems with the dogs that she's demonstrated trying to abate through not only her own cleaning efforts but those of professionals-so it's not a "personal" thing and while she "adores" his "babies" it's a health factor

I agree with this 100%.

She sounds like a crazy person.

I won't even date men who own cats because I know I am allergic AND I know I couldn't love someone who would abandon their pet for a date.

But yeah, that post I quoted sounds pretty spot on. Hopefully your friend wises up to her schemes. Between the maids, the lockout and the treatment of the pets... ugh.

 

[okeydokey]

I agree with this 100%.

She sounds like a crazy person.

I won't even date men who own cats because I know I am allergic AND I know I couldn't love someone who would abandon their pet for a date.

But yeah, that post I quoted sounds pretty spot on. Hopefully your friend wises up to her schemes. Between the maids, the lockout and the treatment of the pets... ugh.

People who have pets shouldn't date?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

People who have pets shouldn't date?

People who'd be willing to give up their pets to accomodate a sig other with an issue w/ the pet shouldn't have pets.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with this 100%.

She sounds like a crazy person.

I won't even date men who own cats because I know I am allergic AND I know I couldn't love someone who would abandon their pet for a date.

But yeah, that post I quoted sounds pretty spot on. Hopefully your friend wises up to her schemes. Between the maids, the lockout and the treatment of the pets... ugh.

I'm not single, but I don't think I'd marry a single guy who had cats - I've never met a single man with cats.

 

[sbell111]

The girlfriend has not mistreated the dogs. Stay out of their relationship.

Why do people feel the need to butt into situations that have nothing to do with them?