WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[esk]

Discovered today that DS12 and DD8 have been stealing candy from the pantry while I'm in the shower in the morning, and hiding it in their backpacks/lunch bags to take to school every day.

DH and I don't feed them candy, soft drinks, cookies or sweets generally, although I do make cookies about once a week and put one in their lunches. The candy is in the pantry for baking.....PB cups to put in cookies, kisses to put in cookies, etc.

It's not the candy that's the issue, it's the sneaking around and stealing. Yes, we view it as stealing. We've told them, if you would be ashamed/afraid to do it with me or DH in the room, you shouldn't do it. This isn't the first time; every now and then, I'd find empty chip wrappers (we don't eat chips, don't know where he gets them) in DS's room or pants pocket, and when he was in K/1st grade, we found out he was ditching his lunch and using his milk money account to buy chips and candy instead.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.

Yep, he's a Boy Scout by the way, and so kind in other ways to other kids and animals, does his homework, etc. But seems to think that if he wants something, it's OK to just take it, and that whatever the rules are, they simply don't apply if he wants it.

Suggestions please, and please don't post "oh, it's just candy, let kids be kids" because that isn't the point here. Thank you!

 

[JoiseyMom]

DS12 has been doing this for years. It is unfortunately part of his ADHD. We put a combination lock on our pantry. It is the only way to keep him from taking snacks without permission.

Good luck.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

It seems to me they are sneaking around having the "forbidden fruit" since you don't let them have candy or chips they are sneaking around getting some anyway.

I think my biggest advice would be don't keep candy in the house and then not let your kids have any. That almost seems mean to me. YES SON it is here but NO SON you can't have any. I would keep the candy some place they can't see it or want it.

But as you have seen with the chips... if they want it they will find a way to get it.

It's an old story, make something forbidden and the kids will want it more.

Maybe letting them have some candy or chips in moderation would make them not want to sneak it out so bad.

I personally would never call my kids a thief for taking food that was inside my pantry.

I can't imagine even having a talk with my kids about STEALING for taking food from the pantry. If it is forbidden it shouldn't even be there.

 

[npmommie]

Well it seems that you have set up strict food rules that are now backfiring. I dont view the candy as stealing. Yes sneaking, but not stealing. Obviously they cant ask you for a treat for their bags, hence the need to sneak.
What would you have said if they asked you for a piece of candy?

 

[kwelch10377]

Discovered today that DS12 and DD8 have been stealing candy from the pantry while I'm in the shower in the morning, and hiding it in their backpacks/lunch bags to take to school every day.

DH and I don't feed them candy, soft drinks, cookies or sweets generally, although I do make cookies about once a week and put one in their lunches. The candy is in the pantry for baking.....PB cups to put in cookies, kisses to put in cookies, etc.

It's not the candy that's the issue, it's the sneaking around and stealing. Yes, we view it as stealing. We've told them, if you would be ashamed/afraid to do it with me or DH in the room, you shouldn't do it. This isn't the first time; every now and then, I'd find empty chip wrappers (we don't eat chips, don't know where he gets them) in DS's room or pants pocket, and when he was in K/1st grade, we found out he was ditching his lunch and using his milk money account to buy chips and candy instead.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.

Yep, he's a Boy Scout by the way, and so kind in other ways to other kids and animals, does his homework, etc. But seems to think that if he wants something, it's OK to just take it, and that whatever the rules are, they simply don't apply if he wants it.

Suggestions please, and please don't post "oh, it's just candy, let kids be kids" because that isn't the point here. Thank you!

What did he say when you confronted him about it and what has he said before when you have talked to him about the chip wrappers and such?

Just based on what you have said he seems to have food issues and I think you need to address that and not necessarily the stealing.

 

[Njord]

I'd punish them for taking it, but I'd also make it less of a forbidden fruit.

 

[AntePrincess]

Discovered today that DS12 and DD8 have been stealing candy from the pantry while I'm in the shower in the morning, and hiding it in their backpacks/lunch bags to take to school every day.

DH and I don't feed them candy, soft drinks, cookies or sweets generally, although I do make cookies about once a week and put one in their lunches. The candy is in the pantry for baking.....PB cups to put in cookies, kisses to put in cookies, etc.

It's not the candy that's the issue, it's the sneaking around and stealing. Yes, we view it as stealing. We've told them, if you would be ashamed/afraid to do it with me or DH in the room, you shouldn't do it. This isn't the first time; every now and then, I'd find empty chip wrappers (we don't eat chips, don't know where he gets them) in DS's room or pants pocket, and when he was in K/1st grade, we found out he was ditching his lunch and using his milk money account to buy chips and candy instead.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.

Yep, he's a Boy Scout by the way, and so kind in other ways to other kids and animals, does his homework, etc. But seems to think that if he wants something, it's OK to just take it, and that whatever the rules are, they simply don't apply if he wants it.

Suggestions please, and please don't post "oh, it's just candy, let kids be kids" because that isn't the point here. Thank you!

That's rough, I'm frustrated on your behalf.

FWIW, I think this is pretty normal behavior for a 12yo, I remember using my lunch money to buy snacks in the school vending machines instead of a proper lunch at that age.

First thing's first, I'd start getting a handle on how much candy you have and when some of it goes missing. It might take a little bookkeeping, but I think it'll help to know for a fact how much has gone missing and when it went whenever you choose to talk to him about it, which will probably be a recurring talk for awhile. If these are small candies for baking like chocolate chips, I'd probably do it by weight using a kitchen scale. Then when you talk to him, you don't have to ask if he's taken anything, you already know someone has taken it. Asking when you know what the truth is may backfire, most children will probably lie because they don't want a confrontation or to be punished (adults certainly do, but they usually rationalize it as a 'white lie).

Personally, I'd discuss stealing something versus earning it, then I'd set up an honor system by which he can earn treats and help himself to them, which I'd double check at intervals (frequently at first, less and less often as the lesson starts to sink in), and perhaps once a week, if he's honored the system, I'd give him some sort of bonus treat. I probably wouldn't make it food. At 12 he can understand this, and at 8 your daughter can understand as well so they can both participate.

I really have no idea what I'd do if he kept it up after a system was in place.

 

[Minerva Mouse]

I was your DS at about that age. I would eat bakers chocolate, and I would eat tubs of cool whip from the freezer. And when I couldn't find anything in the house sweet THEN I would STEAL from parents wallet, and go to the corner store to get my sugar/junk fix.

I understand you want to address the issue of sneaking stealing (as you call it). But the bigger issue is WHY? If DS is like me, then he may have some food related issues that need to be addressed before they get out of hand. My parents were the same way, they didn't buy sweets and snacks were apples and carrots, and the more I didn't get my snacks at home the more I ate them everywhere else, friends houses, (and sometimes I would sneak them at my friends house too) school etc.

Address why first. Then determine a fit punishment.

P.S. I don't steal anymore, and my parents did find out and whipped me senseless, but it didn't stop me. It's the age and something MOST people grow out of.

 

[Hrhpd]

As you are finding out, often times, overly strict rules = children finding ways around it.

I would suggest finding medium ground. Allow your children a piece of candy in their backpack so they don't feel the need to sneak one.

Then, talk about respecting the rules for taking additional candy. It is much easier to enforce healthy options (food should never be rules) when there is some give and take.

Think of people trying to diet. Everybody cheats occasionally because it is impossible to not give in to an urge for a craved food now and then.

Same thing with kids. It is important to teach healthy eating, but you have to allow a bit of indulgence every once in awhile.

Accusing children of stealing food is crazy.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think you have set them up to "steal" the candy. I agree with a PP--they are sneaking the candy--not stealing. I think YOU are sending a bad message to your kids by calling this stealing.

My sister did not let her kids have candy. Her oldest could not care less about any type of candy. The other 3 like it.

On Halloween, she would dress them up and take them trick or treating. They would be so excited because they loved candy so much (more than normal, lol). They'd get home, have to turn it all in and she'd keep the "good candy" and they'd have to get rid of the sticky type. I remember one year my nephew took the candy and put it in his lego containers in his room. He's go in there and sneak some candy and one by one, his sisters would join him and then the youngest tattled to mom about what they were doing.

Years later, I saw a teacher who had a niece of mine in school (5th or 6th gr) and I told him that my niece went to his school. He asked her name, I told him and he says, "Oh I know her!! She comes into my room and always eats all the candy on my desk!"

Ugh...yes, that's because mom and dad do not allow candy (or better said, very limited). I remember them making Christmas cookies and instead of letting them have a cookie after they came out of the oven, they just had to look at them and wait til days later. I always thought that was cruel.

All that taught them to sneak it and all but the oldest did.

I do not think that you should fill kids up with candy and sugar but I also do not think you should "teach" them they have to sneak to eat some candy. It is the forbidden fruit and you have taught them that.

Unless they have a problem like a PP's kid does, I truly think you are going overboard and making it worse than it ever would be otherwise.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that you might want to look at how ou treat food and candy in your home. I do not approve of sneaking food, and this is sneaking to me, not stealing. However, you clearly have given them a lot of enticement by keeping candy in the house and then not letting them have it. I think that when you "dangle" something in front of a kid, he is going to reach for it, and your boys did just that.

I think it is telling that you have known that the boys are getting treats somewhere, and yet you have not addressed how you can change the behavior. I think that I would talk to the boys and make treats accessible, because your method has backfired.

 

[nuke]

My first thought was why do you have candy in the pantry if you don't allow them to have candy?

I agree that you have set them up to go behind your back and sneak food.

 

[jenimay]

I would also say this is more sneaking than stealing.

This reminds me of when I was in junior high 25 years ago. I felt self conscious about my clothes and looks and as the oldest of 5 kids in a single income family I didn't want to ask them for anything and so took some of my moms clothes and makeup to school and then changed before I got home. (My mom was a young mom and had some stylish clothes Anyway, this went on for a few weeks and she eventually figured it out and sat me down and talked to me about needing to be honest and let her know how I was feeling so she could try and help me. She took me out and got me a couple of new outfits, and from then on I tried to talk to my parents when I had a problem.

I would talk with them about not sneaking, but I would also be prepared to bend on some rules or chances are it will continue. Likely your kids are the only ones they know with such strict eating habits and they want to eat more like their friends. I would try to meet somewhere in the middle if they can be more honest. I am the mom of 4 kids ages 2 to 15 and have had to do this several times with different things. Good Luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I also do not consider this "stealing" but "sneaking".

If you do not want them to eat the candy in the house, then don't buy it.

I would say this is more of a lesson FOR YOU then them. Kids are tempted by things. Take away that temptation. And yes, it is not nice to have candy in there that they are not allowed to eat. That is just cruel and unusual punishment.

So the punishment will be, no more candy in treats or desserts anymore.

 

[AntePrincess]

TBH, I didn't read the OP as saying she strictly policed sweets, in fact it sounds like she gives them homemade cookies as their sweet in their lunch everyday. Honestly, that's more sweets than we do at home, assuming they also get some desserts during the week and over the weekend. I also wouldn't equate candy and food - sure, it's edible, but its not exactly nutritious and people have gotten along just fine without candies in the past (not that any would want to...).

I don't know, but junk food wasn't at all policed in my household growing up and I still snuck candies from my uncle's stash (he lived with us) and used my lunch money to buy snack cakes. I was just a kid that wanted to eat junk food, it wasn't a food issue per se. I knew kids (usually younger than 12) that would eat the butter out of the fridge with a chaser of Coke, kids just have funny tastebuds and low impulse control.

 

[esk]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

 

[Blessedwithboys]

Discovered today that DS12 and DD8 have been stealing candy from the pantry while I'm in the shower in the morning, and hiding it in their backpacks/lunch bags to take to school every day.

DH and I don't feed them candy, soft drinks, cookies or sweets generally, although I do make cookies about once a week and put one in their lunches. The candy is in the pantry for baking.....PB cups to put in cookies, kisses to put in cookies, etc.

It's not the candy that's the issue, it's the sneaking around and stealing. Yes, we view it as stealing. We've told them, if you would be ashamed/afraid to do it with me or DH in the room, you shouldn't do it. This isn't the first time; every now and then, I'd find empty chip wrappers (we don't eat chips, don't know where he gets them) in DS's room or pants pocket, and when he was in K/1st grade, we found out he was ditching his lunch and using his milk money account to buy chips and candy instead.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.

Yep, he's a Boy Scout by the way, and so kind in other ways to other kids and animals, does his homework, etc. But seems to think that if he wants something, it's OK to just take it, and that whatever the rules are, they simply don't apply if he wants it.

Suggestions please, and please don't post "oh, it's just candy, let kids be kids" because that isn't the point here. Thank you!

((HUGS))

I say I would be more concerned with "why" even though I know you said its not the candy that is the problem, it was the stealing or I would say sneaking. Maybe it is. Especially since you said his other offense like this was food related. Do you think maybe you are pushing the nutrition issue to hard. Why not get a big basket of chips, cookies, candy, soda, etc and let them each pick one thing each day to take to school. Get the caffeine free sodas, baked chips, no HFCS cookies and snack size candy bars. Really if they are eating treats once a day and getting all around great nutrition the rest of the time I think it would be a good compromise.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

Yes, you should lock up the beer as well as prescription meds and guns.

Don't be naive anymore.

 

[Southernmiss]

My first thought was why do you have candy in the pantry if you don't allow them to have candy?

I agree that you have set them up to go behind your back and sneak food.

I am in this camp. I tried limiting the snacks I bought then I realized that maybe as almost teens they needed more than I was keeping in the house. When I doubled what I bought, they actually ate less junk! And grew a lot taller.

I realized it was my kids who were eating more junk at parties, etc. than other kids because they were too deprived at home.

None of my kids are unhealthy or overweight.

Perhaps you need to lighten up like I did.

 

[Blessedwithboys]

But what if it was beer? We have beer in the pantry too, although he isn't interested in that. I never snuck alcohol from my parent's stash, just wasn't interested, but what if your child was sneaking alcohol? Should we not have that in the house because he can't have any? I know it's not the exact same thing, but isn't it, kind of?

It's not all that forbidden....no, I wouldn't toss a Snickers in their lunch bag, but they get chocolate chip granola bars, cookies (I make the a lot) and I make things like pies and cupcakes and they not only help/lick the bowl, but we eat a piece after dinner.

As for the chips, well, DH and I are not chip people, we just don't have a taste for them so I don't buy them. Not sure where he gets them, trades at school maybe.

Again, we do view it as stealing....you are not supposed to have this as a snack and you took it anyway. Same as taking a candy bar at the store. Same as taking a beer from the pantry. It's wrong, and they both know it. Candy isn't food; he'd never be punished for taking an apple or granola bar or some carrots. And if he'd asked, I would have said no --- he fully admitted he knew that. When I asked him why, he said he wanted it....that's it, that's the explanation. He said he knew he wasn't supposed to have it, and that he had to go looking (deep) in the pantry behind the flour and sugar to pull it out and get it. (That's how I knew...he wasn't so careful today about putting things back, and his sister spilled the beans)

I am not being snarky at all. But alcohol should be locked up with minors in the home. I know it is probably not a popular belief but it should be kept in a fridge locked or at minimum away from the family fridge and or pantry. Hard liquor is essentially like poison to a young child. I feel like with alcohol of any type you should never rely on the child to be mature or responsible you should make sure you take all necessary precautions to keep it out of their hands no matter how inconvenient I am sure it could be. We want to keep those babes safe