WWYD - Kids Education

[C.Ann]

Oh for gosh sakes....now everyone is questioning the OP's relationship?? Please. Maybe he is not a parent and doesn't really understand the differences from school district to school district? He probably thinks a school is a school is a school or he knows plenty of people who send their kids to school in his district and they do just fine. I really don't think her marriage is doomed because her fiance has different ideas on the school situation.

Oh, please, 2 years ago EVERYONE was refinancing because interest rates were so low. We refinanced and cut $500/month off our mortgage payment, how is that a bad financial move-especially for someone, who at the time, was not planning on moving.

I would think that if this man does not have children he doesn't have the same concerns because he hasn't been responsible for children before, nothing more, nothing less. I don't think you REALLY understand the responsibility of being a parent until you become one full time. It has nothing to do with intelligence.

I agree with both of these responses.. I think that some people are simply looking for "drama" where there isn't any.. Just a man that has not dealt with kids before so he assumes that a "school is a school".. Sheesh - I can think of men like that who have kids - but it doesn't mean they are unintelligent; in a financial mess; etc.. Some men have jobs that require the wives to be more involved with the education of their children than they are - such as men who have to travel long distances for long periods to time in order to support their families..

First time asking a question and the poor OP is being told to "run the other way" from someone a bunch of nameless, faceless people don't know anything at all about.. I don't recall her asking for "marital advice" - simply what to do about a housing/schooling issue..

 

[horseshowmom]

Oh, please, 2 years ago EVERYONE was refinancing because interest rates were so low. We refinanced and cut $500/month off our mortgage payment, how is that a bad financial move-especially for someone, who at the time, was not planning on moving.

I would think that if this man does not have children he doesn't have the same concerns because he hasn't been responsible for children before, nothing more, nothing less. I don't think you REALLY understand the responsibility of being a parent until you become one full time. It has nothing to do with intelligence.

^ This...

OP, you say you can pay tuition to send them to the school they are currently in. If you can afford it, that may be your best option. Personally, I would explore that first (particularly since your daughter is interested in orchestra). However, I also wouldn't rule out the district his house is in until I had a LOT more information than you have now. Good luck!

 

[ajk912]

TBH I think the kids would resent their new stepdad if they got pulled out of the school they love..kids are smart, they'll see that mom gets married and the next week they have to go to a school that doesn't have orchestra, etc.

Considering how this will be a huge time of transition for all, I would try to keep THEIR life as normal as possible for now. I would rent out his place and live in yours, if possible.

 

[PAMOMOF2]

Dad walks out on them. Now you are going to marry somebody that doesn't have concerns about their education?

I was not seeking advice on my relationship, but thank you for your comment.

He refinanced when the market was good and it was a wise move at that point in time, i'm sure he's not alone in that he refinanced and the market tanked, so now he'd have a loss to sell. So Mystery Machine, his intelligence is not in question here.

His finanicial woes is all on Chrysler - after having his fuel truck attacked in Iraq, losing his friend in the accident, being put back together at Walter Reed, they didn't want to help him, he asked for reduced interest, reduced payments, they refused so they repo'd his car - they are the ones who screwed him and his credit...Someone nearly dies for their country and his intelligence is questioned..

thanks for the advice everyone..

 

[snykymom]

There's no way I would make my kids move, even if he were in a better school district. How much disruption do you want to foist on them?

1) New stepdad - obviously you haven't lived together at all, so this will be a major adjustment. New family dynamic - how will he fit into the structure? What will his discipline style be? Will he be disciplining? How much say will he have over the kids' lives? Creating a blended family is hard enough even when nothing else changes.
2) New school? One where, no matter what the education level is, they won't know anyone? Their entire social support system gone? Teachers who don't know them from a hole in the wall? Even for a first grader, it can be difficult - I moved in the middle of first grade and hated it. It took me two years to find my "place." It's harder still for a fifth grader, especially a girl, just entering puberty.

3) New house, new neighborhood, no friends? Even if you pay tuition to your old district (couldn't do that where I live), how will they be able to see their friends? And do you really want your kids commuting an hour a day? That's a long time for a first grader. Who's going to make the travel arrangements for them?

4) Transferring in the middle of the year? That's very tough, academically as well as socially. Even if the school isn't as good academically, there's a new curriculum. The new class may have studied things your kid hasn't yet, or your kid may have already studied things the new class is just getting to.

Your kids didn't choose this man; you did. Yes, you have every right to be happy with him and I wish you many years of happiness. Try to disrupt both their lives and their educations as little as possible, and you will not only be helping them, but increasing the odds that your new marriage will survive and thrive in the long run.

I think you know the right answer to your question; now you have the validation.

 

[HM]

I think you need to personally visit the schools your kids would go to, talk to administrators and ask about sitting in on some classes. A lot of times, the 'word on the street' isn't giving a real picture of a school district and even with a district that seems to be doing poorly there can be some gems for schools in it.

 

[Disney Doll]

snykymom gives you good advice.

I am sure your soon-to-be-DH (STBDH) is a good man & will make a good father. And, as a PP said, perhaps since he doesn't have children, he's not quite as "in the know" about the challenges of raising children. Certainly I am sure he is willing to learn, and this is a perfect opportunity to share some of these challenges with him.

It is a lot of change in a child's life to add a new father, new home, new town and new school. As their mother, you have to be the one who thinks of them, and yes, since they are children, their needs do have to come first, and that will be the case for at least the next 10-15 years. They cannot manage their own lives nor protect themselves, so as the parents, you and your STBDH have to do it for them. Anyone who marries someone with children needs to be fully accepting of this fact. Anyone who has raised children will tell you that it is the hardest job in the world and requires a good deal of sacrifice.

Hence your dilemma....

I wouldn't uproot 3 people (you & 2 kids). Sorry, but I think in this case the 'single' (STBDH) would have an easier time with the change.

I'd look in to renting his house in the other town...rent with an option to buy, rent and put it on the market at the same time so it gets shown while it'a making income or try and sell it as a loss, take the hit and move on.

There is more at stake here than financial loss...the children need to come first.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[disykat]

This thread amazes me. I'm going to assume that the OP has carefully thought this out and is marrying a man whom she thinks will be a wonderful ADDITION to her kid's life, a good father, and an overall blessing to them all.

If that is the case.... kids move all the time. They will survive, with the proper support from thier parents of course.

Let's narrow the issue down to the school. I definitely agree that more research is needed. I live in an area where if I moved 30 minutes one way or the other I would be changing to a district that doesn't have as good a reputation as the one we are in currently. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they are BAD schools. It's all relative. In fact, the elementary school my kids went to is one of the 'bad' ones in my own district. Having taught in several different elementary schools in several different districts, I was more concerned about the junior high and high school my kids would be going to.

Here's what I would do. Talk to PARENTS of kids who go to the elementary school. Get a feel for if there are great teachers whose classes you can request at the elementary level (or any you need to avoid.) Find out what the junior high and high school for that neighborhood is like. Find out about the programs (like orchestra) that they may or may not have.

Then, armed with specific information about your concerns, talk again to your fiance.

To make you feel better, I moved to the 'better' district right before my oldest entered Kindergarten. My neighbor stayed. Her child is in just as many honors programs etc. as mine is. Now all our kids are in high school and I still think the educations they are getting are very comparable. My friend has stayed very active in PTA etc. just like I have and been involved in her kids education. Her district may not get the glory mine does, but I'm guessing the parental involvement is not as high. Since both sets of kids had involved parents and a big emphasis on learning in the home, both sets excelled.

Currently, we have seniors who are having to figure out class standings etc. Both our seniors are brains. My son is 14th out of 399 in his class. Her son is 3rd out of 542. Guess who looks better, scholarship wise?

 

[horseshowmom]

This thread amazes me. I'm going to assume that the OP has carefully thought this out and is marrying a man whom she thinks will be a wonderful ADDITION to her kid's life, a good father, and an overall blessing to them all.

If that is the case.... kids move all the time. They will survive, with the proper support from thier parents of course.

Let's narrow the issue down to the school. I definitely agree that more research is needed. I live in an area where if I moved 30 minutes one way or the other I would be changing to a district that doesn't have as good a reputation as the one we are in currently. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they are BAD schools. It's all relative. In fact, the elementary school my kids went to is one of the 'bad' ones in my own district. Having taught in several different elementary schools in several different districts, I was more concerned about the junior high and high school my kids would be going to.

Here's what I would do. Talk to PARENTS of kids who go to the elementary school. Get a feel for if there are great teachers whose classes you can request at the elementary level (or any you need to avoid.) Find out what the junior high and high school for that neighborhood is like. Find out about the programs (like orchestra) that they may or may not have.

Then, armed with specific information about your concerns, talk again to your fiance.

To make you feel better, I moved to the 'better' district right before my oldest entered Kindergarten. My neighbor stayed. Her child is in just as many honors programs etc. as mine is. Now all our kids are in high school and I still think the educations they are getting are very comparable. My friend has stayed very active in PTA etc. just like I have and been involved in her kids education. Her district may not get the glory mine does, but I'm guessing the parental involvement is not as high. Since both sets of kids had involved parents and a big emphasis on learning in the home, both sets excelled.

Currently, we have seniors who are having to figure out class standings etc. Both our seniors are brains. My son is 14th out of 399 in his class. Her son is 3rd out of 542. Guess who looks better, scholarship wise?

Nowhere did I see the OP say that the other district was "bad", just wasn't as good as where they are now. Unless a district is really the pits (regarding academics and safety), you can get a good education anywhere. Good luck with your decision, OP!

 

[kellyg403]

This thread amazes me. I'm going to assume that the OP has carefully thought this out and is marrying a man whom she thinks will be a wonderful ADDITION to her kid's life, a good father, and an overall blessing to them all.

If that is the case.... kids move all the time. They will survive, with the proper support from thier parents of course.

Let's narrow the issue down to the school. I definitely agree that more research is needed. I live in an area where if I moved 30 minutes one way or the other I would be changing to a district that doesn't have as good a reputation as the one we are in currently. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they are BAD schools. It's all relative. In fact, the elementary school my kids went to is one of the 'bad' ones in my own district. Having taught in several different elementary schools in several different districts, I was more concerned about the junior high and high school my kids would be going to.

Here's what I would do. Talk to PARENTS of kids who go to the elementary school. Get a feel for if there are great teachers whose classes you can request at the elementary level (or any you need to avoid.) Find out what the junior high and high school for that neighborhood is like. Find out about the programs (like orchestra) that they may or may not have.

Then, armed with specific information about your concerns, talk again to your fiance.

To make you feel better, I moved to the 'better' district right before my oldest entered Kindergarten. My neighbor stayed. Her child is in just as many honors programs etc. as mine is. Now all our kids are in high school and I still think the educations they are getting are very comparable. My friend has stayed very active in PTA etc. just like I have and been involved in her kids education. Her district may not get the glory mine does, but I'm guessing the parental involvement is not as high. Since both sets of kids had involved parents and a big emphasis on learning in the home, both sets excelled.

Currently, we have seniors who are having to figure out class standings etc. Both our seniors are brains. My son is 14th out of 399 in his class. Her son is 3rd out of 542. Guess who looks better, scholarship wise?

I agree wholeheartedly, while I do/did look into the school districts when we were moving and combining families, I ended up buying in the same district..not because it was an absolutely EXCELLENT district, but more that the kids could stay with their friends and hopefully have a smoother transition. I really honestly only wanted to stay in the district because of the high school. It was more important to me that the kids went to this high school as I knew the teachers, I was involved with the marching band and felt that the school itself was a great fit for my family.

OP, I would definitely check out the middle school since you have a 5th grader. Not sure what grade starts middle school where you are, but here it is 6th grade. This is such a transitional year for students..going from babies to 'people' almost. Whole different ball game...socially and academically. If you are currently involved in the elementary school of your students, likely you will be again. So, I really honestly wouldn't worry so much about that unless you have information that would cause worry. The middle school would be my issue, since you may find yourself less likely to be as involved in two schools as you were with them going to one.

I am sorry about your finace's position. I live in a military town, there are a lot of our boys coming home and having to face crisis. Its ridiculous that Chrysler would do that to him.

Kelly

 

[Colleen27]

And to illustrate a difference, the main county in my metro area has a land area of 504 sq. miles. Within that county are 91 separate municipalities and 22 public school districts. If I pick the right road I can cross through 12 school districts in a 30 minute drive. (My commute home takes about that long, and I pass through 7 school districts on that route.)

It is like that here too, sometimes to the point of ridiculousness. Most towns/suburbs have their own district, and some have more than one. I grew up in a community that is about 12sq miles and has 3 separate school districts. A 30min drive in the county I grew up in could easily take you through a dozen or more school districts.

 

[Colleen27]

Is renting his house out a possibility? It really isn't as intimidating as it sounds. We're doing that right now with our old house rather than trying to sell at a loss, and it hasn't been as difficult as I'd imagined.

I think that would be the ideal solution if it is possible - rent out his house, continue renting in the neighborhood and school district your kids are used to, and work towards a long-term goal of buying a home closer to your current residence

 

[Colleen27]

It would be for me. I would question his intelligence. Esp. since he refied and now is over his head? By how much? Maybe his financial issue has more to it and so on.......

Different people have different views on what is/isn't an acceptable school system. One person's "bad, I'd never send my kids there" is another's "okay, not great, but adequate". And a lot of people are underwater on loans now through no fault of their own. We owe quite a lot more than our rental property is worth, not because of any shady lending or cash-out refi but because the market has dropped so much that what was a great price 5 years ago is now about twice what the house is worth.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

This thread amazes me. I'm going to assume that the OP has carefully thought this out and is marrying a man whom she thinks will be a wonderful ADDITION to her kid's life, a good father, and an overall blessing to them all.

If that is the case.... kids move all the time. They will survive, with the proper support from thier parents of course.

Let's narrow the issue down to the school. I definitely agree that more research is needed. I live in an area where if I moved 30 minutes one way or the other I would be changing to a district that doesn't have as good a reputation as the one we are in currently. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they are BAD schools. It's all relative. In fact, the elementary school my kids went to is one of the 'bad' ones in my own district. Having taught in several different elementary schools in several different districts, I was more concerned about the junior high and high school my kids would be going to.

Here's what I would do. Talk to PARENTS of kids who go to the elementary school. Get a feel for if there are great teachers whose classes you can request at the elementary level (or any you need to avoid.) Find out what the junior high and high school for that neighborhood is like. Find out about the programs (like orchestra) that they may or may not have.

Then, armed with specific information about your concerns, talk again to your fiance.

To make you feel better, I moved to the 'better' district right before my oldest entered Kindergarten. My neighbor stayed. Her child is in just as many honors programs etc. as mine is. Now all our kids are in high school and I still think the educations they are getting are very comparable. My friend has stayed very active in PTA etc. just like I have and been involved in her kids education. Her district may not get the glory mine does, but I'm guessing the parental involvement is not as high. Since both sets of kids had involved parents and a big emphasis on learning in the home, both sets excelled.

Currently, we have seniors who are having to figure out class standings etc. Both our seniors are brains. My son is 14th out of 399 in his class. Her son is 3rd out of 542. Guess who looks better, scholarship wise?

Great post

I would say talk it over with STBDH and if renting the house out or selling it isn't an option then you could try enrolling them in your current district and driving them back and forth. My neighbor does that even though oddly enough she's driving her son back to a school district that isn't nearly as good as the one we're living in but that's a different post. For you let's just say that renting/selling/driving doesn't work and you end up enrolling them in the new district - it is not the end of the world. When I was growing up I went to 4 different elementary schools because our district keep consolidating and reorganizing, there was no PTA in any of the 6 schools I went to (4 elem, middle, high) and our school district in general was not that great - despite that most graduates went onto college. I personally was an honor student, was able to take AP courses, went onto college and my sister who also graduated from the same high school ended up continuing her education and got her doctorate from Yale. The point isn't to brag but just to show that good students can come from "lesser" districts and achieve great things. Stay involved, keep your kids motivated about learning and they'll go far no matter where they go to school.

 

[DWGal210]

OP, I think you're getting some great advice here. I just had to comment re Chrysler.....I would be peeved to high heaven about that. Your DF risked his life for our country, spent time at Walter Reed to heal & they weren't compassionate about that?!

Note to self....not giving business to Chrysler.

 

[Bren's Mom]

he made his house decisions prior to me being a part of his life and I’m not up to par with his mortgage situation, just that he owes more than he thinks he can get from it and he doesn’t have the best credit, due to his being basically blown up in Iraq and having to default on numerous things while he was in Walter Reed for 5+months (again, this was before we met, but the issue still are around today). I knew going into our relationship this information, but my love for him, overshadowed the financial woes he faced – so while I’ve got stellar credit, him, well not so much – so that’s another issue..

Regardless of what he did before you started dating, by the time you are ready to get married you should know every single piece of info about his finances, including having seen his credit report. You should know exactly how much he owes on that house. If you can't ask him, or if he refuses to share, you're not ready to marry him.

Aside from that, though. I wouldn't move into his home with the kids and just 'hope for the best'. I'd rent the home and both of us buy elsewhere (whether in your current district or another one that is comparable) or both of us live in the current apartment until the house is able to be sold.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I'd go ahead and move and if the schools didn't work out we'd go from there.

 

[msjprincess]

In my experience, when most people say "School district" in this context they really mean the attendace zone for a particular school. I just assumed 30 min away would be in the same district. With no private schools in the area I would assume small town, and most small towns here do not have thier own district. Changing districts does complicate things considerably.

If I drive 5-10 minutes away I'd be in a different district. We only have 6 schools in our district.

It would be for me. I would question his intelligence. Esp. since he refied and now is over his head? By how much? Maybe his financial issue has more to it and so on.......

We refinanced 3 or 4 years ago. Since then our home value has dropped by more than $100K. Unfortunately I didn't have a crystal ball the day I signed the papers.

 

[SaraJayne]

Personally, if I was in this situation, we would be staying put and fiance would be moving in with me and renting his house. Much easier for everyone and least disruption to the kids.

My kids are worth standing up for and not compromising what would be in their best interest.

OR, another option is you could do what my BIL and his wife do. Maintain two homes in two different cities two hours away from each other and only see other on the weekends. Due to their own individual divorce decrees (2nd marriage for each) they have to stay in their respective school districts until their kids graduate from high school (and the youngest is only in 8th grade).

So, they are weekend spouses.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'd go ahead and move and if the schools didn't work out we'd go from there.

But you could avoid the whole "what if" by having fiance move into her place in the district the kids already go to school in.

And our districts here are one town = one district.