WWYD? Internet board suprise (update post 26)

[Shugardrawers]

On another board I'm a member of we were discussing unusual last names. Not things like Jenny Toetickles but more like Jenny Totslingberger (which is not my name let's be clear) Anyway....

I posted my maiden name which was a real tongue twister for most people. Another board member posted and said "really??? I was married to a Ronnie XXXXX in the 70's. Do you know him or are you related?" When I looked at her profile which includes location I almost died. She lives in the right area, is the right age and is probably my former step mother. There are no words to say how I feel now about this vile, vindictive, abusive woman. She was emotionally abusive to us all while we lived with them and although I know I should I just can't bring myself to forgive her. The things she said to us and the way she treated us have stayed with us all and shaped who we are and will never be forgotten. I'd love to let her have it with both barrels but another part of me says to just walk away and ignore her. She has sent me a private message through the board (again, not this one) but I haven't responded. I'm sick to my stomach even thinking of this woman (I only use that word because I can't use the one I really think she is). WWYD? Post an answer? Not post? Ignore her PM? Give her a real piece of your mind in PM? I'm so torn.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think I would ignore her and use the ignore feature, if possible, to keep her out of my view. I don't think confronting her would do either of you any good.

 

[Marseeya]

First of all,

I think you need to sit on it for a few days until you come to a decision that you can feel comfortable with. Is this woman anywhere near you now?

 

[Yzma and Kronk]

Another vote for Ignore! I'm sure you really don't want to go there again!

 

[SeaShelley]

I think I would respond with something like, "Isn't that funny, but no I don't know Ronnie XXXX." Then I'd hit ignore and immediately change your profile.

 

[Shugardrawers]

First of all,

I think you need to sit on it for a few days until you come to a decision that you can feel comfortable with. Is this woman anywhere near you now?

No, she lives 1000 miles away. Which is good because house fires seem to happen here on such a regular basis..... (I'm kidding, I'm really kidding!!!)

 

[vacanut]

Ignore

 

[jlaspoq]

What a shock! This woman is no longer in your life, although her effects still linger. Don't let her back in to do further damage. Ignore her and her pm. It's tempting to let her have it, but it only drags you in deeper.

You asked what we would do. I would dream of a hundred awful things to say to her, and then not have the guts to do it. But seriously, I think I would ignore her.

Sorry that something that started in fun turned out to have such an unexpected emotional impact on you.

 

[Aidensmom]

Wow, what are the odds?!

I agree with the other posters, put her on Ignore.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Oh, boy, this is a tough one. It's hard for me to say what I'd really do in your case. My gut tells me that I'd tell her that she has the right person, but tell her that was a painful time of my life, a time that I'd just as soon forget. That was a long time ago and maybe she really has changed and regrets what she has done. Of course maybe not. It doesn't seem that's what you really want to do, however, and I think that you need to trust yourself on this one.

Keep us posted!

 

[Cindyluwho]

Having had an abusive step-parent I do have some advice for you. First of all write her a letter, say everything you want to say in whatever language you need to say it. Get it all out! BUT DON'T SEND IT!! Sit on the letter for a week, at least. Then make the decision to send it or not. But, definately, you need to write down all the things you'd LIKE to say to her. After that your heart will tell you what to do. For me, I'd send the letter - but that was my decision, only you know what's best for you.
HUGS!!

 

[psmomma]

Having had an abusive step-parent I do have some advice for you. First of all write her a letter, say everything you want to say in whatever language you need to say it. Get it all out! BUT DON'T SEND IT!! Sit on the letter for a week, at least. Then make the decision to send it or not. But, definately, you need to write down all the things you'd LIKE to say to her. After that your heart will tell you what to do. For me, I'd send the letter - but that was my decision, only you know what's best for you.
HUGS!!

I think this is a great idea.... you get to vent and think about everything you always wanted to say.. that may be Therapy in it self!

Good luck in what ever you should decide.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

Having had an abusive step-parent I do have some advice for you. First of all write her a letter, say everything you want to say in whatever language you need to say it. Get it all out! BUT DON'T SEND IT!! Sit on the letter for a week, at least. Then make the decision to send it or not. But, definately, you need to write down all the things you'd LIKE to say to her. After that your heart will tell you what to do. For me, I'd send the letter - but that was my decision, only you know what's best for you.
HUGS!!

I second this. This could be your chance to really heal the past.

.... then put her on ignore!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Ok, did a little research. First, I looked at her older posts. I learned her first name and a few bits and pieces. It's definitely her. Too many things match up. Second, I looked up my maiden name in the white pages of several large cities. Dang, there's a lot more out there than I thought. Most I don't even know of. But still, it's her. I still don't know what I want to do.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I still don't know what I want to do.

What do you WANT to do? What feels right to you?

 

[Shugardrawers]

What do I WANT to do? Well, it's a bit more complicated that that. First, my mother taught me to let things go, walk away, be the bigger person. I do that frequently on THIS board That being said, my mother hates this woman so much she'd applaud me for letting her have it. My grandpa, the one person who's opinion would matter to me above any other would tell me to do what would make me FEEL best about myself. This is a once in a lifetime chance for closure.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This is a once in a lifetime chance for closure.

Yes, indeed it is. Which is why I'd probably do what I mentioned in my first post. I'd say that it is indeed me and that time in your life was a very painful time that you'd rather forget (or you'd like to forget parts of it, depending on your thoughts). Then, depending on how she responds (or if she even responds) you'd have some insight on whether or not she has changed and regrets what happened all those years ago. Yes, you might find out that she's the same witch that she used to be, in which case you won't be any worse off (other than have the wound reopened maybe). But if you find out that she has changed that might give you comfort. You still do not need to have any relationship with her, but it might somehow help you in some way.

 

[jlaspoq]

If you do choose to respond, I would say to do it via the PM and not publicly. Re-read it several times before you send. Think it over several times before you act, since it can't be revoked once it's out there.

You obviously are doing that since you've come here asking for our thoughts.

Good luck with this - I'm sure you're struggling with it.

 

[alliecats]

I am not telling you what to do, just what I would probably do in this situation. I think I would want to get things off my chest. I am not sure that I would want to hear her response though. So what I might do is what cindyluwho suggested, write it all down and sit on it for a week. Then if I still wanted to, I'd send it to her. If it wasn't important for me to hear her responses, then I would block my PMs or change my user ID.

The reason I wouldn't be interested in her response is that I doubt it will satisfy you. I don't think she will apologize. It has not been my experience that people change that much once they are adults. Sure there are some changes throughout life, but it seems like you keep going in the direction you are bent--not many 180s. Abusive, vindictive people I've come across in my life have stayed that way, or become more so.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

 

[Shugardrawers]

The reason I wouldn't be interested in her response is that I doubt it will satisfy you. I don't think she will apologize. It has not been my experience that people change that much once they are adults. Sure there are some changes throughout life, but it seems like you keep going in the direction you are bent--not many 180s. Abusive, vindictive people I've come across in my life have stayed that way, or become more so.

This is exactly my thinking on the whole thing. I doubt she'd apologize and probably would just make excuses. There isn't an apology out there that would erase childhood wounds like this. Ingrained behaviour like abuse is rarely changed. Would I be shot back with more PMs about what a horrible little child I was? About what a terrible person I am to bring this up after all these years? Probably. I don't really care about her reasons or how she feels. I only care about how those children placed in her care felt.

It's going to take a few days of sleeping on it I think. I'll keep you updated on what I decide.