WWYD? Internet board suprise (update post 26)

[NCDisneyMom]

If it were me, I'd go with one of the other poster's suggestions of saying "Nope, sorry, I don't know Ronnie XXXXX". But then, I've never been in your situation, and I generally try to avoid any and all conflict. I know I'm no help, but I did want to send you a hug, and tell you I hope it all works out for you, and that you find the response (or lack thereof) that YOU are comfortable with. I'll be reading and watching for an outcome.

 

[alliecats]

This is exactly my thinking on the whole thing. I doubt she'd apologize and probably would just make excuses. There isn't an apology out there that would erase childhood wounds like this. Ingrained behaviour like abuse is rarely changed. Would I be shot back with more PMs about what a horrible little child I was? About what a terrible person I am to bring this up after all these years? Probably. I don't really care about her reasons or how she feels. I only care about how those children placed in her care felt.

Exactly. And really, what excuse is there for abusing or mistreating children? You know, I'd have to think long and hard to come up with a reason that would even come anywhere close. I just don't think there is any excuse that can justify it. I think you will be shot back with PMs more likely of her saying she was not mean, you just don't remember well because you were young. And who needs that crap? So if I did it, it would be a hit and run, so to speak!

 

[laurie31]

My first instinct would be to say "I've never heard of Ronnie XXX" and change my profile and maybe even register under a new user ID. However, I avoid conflict like the plague and have no idea what it was like for you, so whether that's the right thing for you I do not know.

I also agree that now that you have the opportunity, do write the letter and as everyone's said, send it or don't send it, but writing it will help you. And I wouldn't read any PMs or correspondance from her. But I would be so curious, even though the other posters are right about people like that not changing...what would she say, does she regret things now, etc. Maybe you have a trusted friend who could read the PM and tell you if it was something you'd want to see. Or maybe you should put her on ignore and lay low on that board for awhile.



Laurie

 

[shortbun]

At least for now, I'd tell her I'd never heard of him. You have the advantage here. You can deny any knowledge and once you've decided exactly what you want to do, you can do it. Continue to be incognito, come out sluggin'....whatever. Make sure you've given this plenty of time and thought so your response is perfect. This IS a once in a lifetime opportunity and you don't want to regret it later. Peace.

 

[PrincessKitty]

Your grampa sounds like a very wise person!

I am not of the "forgive and forget" school of thought when it comes to abusive parents or stepparents. Good book: "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. She suggests you cannot stop the pain of abuse without confronting the abusive parent (I am over-simplifying) and encourages people to not pretend it "didn't happen or wasn't that bad." (Again, I am over-simplfying her message).

If it feels right to you, go ahead and tell your stepmother what an abusive person she was. I wouldn't suggest you have any kind of onging interaction with her, though--I would immediately change my user name and profile and lay low for a bit. I agree that abusive parents don't admit to what they did (another chapter in Toxic Parents!) and you don't need the pain of reading any responses from her.

 

[Shugardrawers]

It took lots of careful consideration but here's the update. I did reply. Here is a copy/paste of that reply.

Dear XXX
Yes, I am related to Ronnie. He was my father. Ronnie passed away after a brief illness in 1983. The time that you were married to my father was an extremely painful and difficult time for me and (DSis) and (DBro). It's not a wound I wish to reopen and do not wish to discuss it. I have grown and moved on but do not feel in this case that any good will be served by having any further contact. Please respect my wishes in this. Tammy XXX

What do you think? I know it sounds bitter but I tried to avoid placing blame or being friendly. I tried to give the impression that I did not have fond memories of her and certainly didn't want her to think she had been forgiven. I'm all for moving on but I'm not all for forgiving her. I know I should but I just can't. I hope she'll have enough respect 30 years later to just drop it. I've checked with the mods at the site and there's no way to block PMs though I did change my user name and cancel the old account. If she responds I'll never know about it.

 

[experiment626mom]

I think your response is fine. You told her the truth, what more could she ask for? I wouldn't give her or what she has done to you and your siblings another thought.

 

[VSL]

I think your response is great.

I must admit, I'd be so curious as to the reply, but if you feel she will be abusive or anything I wouldn't want to know either!

 

[Shugardrawers]

I did struggle with the curiosity factor. I finally decided that although I wouldn't be responding, reading anything she had to say would just rub salt in wounds already reopened. Since I can still see areas of my life which are a direct result of my treatment at the hands of this woman I figured it was best to rebury the whole mess and leave it there. Still...I'm dying to know what she was thinking!