WWYD in this situation?

[Aristomommy]

I would appreciate your opinions, as I am second guessing myself here. DH's grandfather died yesterday. He lives far away from us and while DH feels close to him, he didn't see him much growing up (once every 2-3 years). We visited him last May and enjoyed a wonderful visit. We knew about his illness and knew it was terminal for about the last 3 months. His death was not a surprise and everyone in the family is doing better than expected.

That said, the funeral is coming up quickly and we need to decide who, if any of us will be going. I should say that I grew up in a family where my mom didn't take us to older relatives funerals. She thought it might be traumatizing to us. I grew up with the belief that we spent time with the person while they were alive, so attending a funeral while optional, is not mandatory. DHs family insists that we all go and right before the holidays, I'm not sure how we could afford it from our budget. Also, DH just started a new job and has no paid time off. He would have to spend at least 4-5 days there due to the long distance travel. Plane tickets are outrageous right now, but maybe the airline might give a discount due to the circumstances.

I am torn, because I don't want DH to regret not going. I also don't want to cause problems with the rest of the family. I'm thinking about this emotionally and also financially. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

 

[minkydog]

My sympathies to your family. This surely is a dilemma. We live far from our families too, and there have been times when we had to make similar decisions. I always ask myself "what would the pioneers do?" They often travelled far from their birth families and never saw them again. Parents and children died and the extended families couldn't always go to the funeral.

When my grandmother died we were living 1000 miles away. My parents didn't have much money and they had 5 kids. It was just not feasible to fly us all up there for the funeral, so Dad & Mom went and the kids stayed with friends.

My dad died after battling lung cancer. One of my sisters was on vacation at the time and couldn't be reached for several days. Since she had spent considerable amount of time with him before he died, she didn't feel bad about not attending the funeral. My own children and hubby didn't know him well, so they also did not attend.

It's going to be a personal decision. While it would be nice if your hubby could go, it may not be possible at this time. I think the two of you will have to sit down and make a decision, then live with it. Don't let other people bully you into doing something you can't afford. Funerals are for the living; the dead don't care.

 

[PA Princess]

We have dealt with similar issues in that we have had older relatives pass away and dealt some with long distance issues.

In the last 10 years we have actually had to deal with far too many funerals...an infant nephew, dh's father, 3 of dh's grandparents, my grandfather, and a close family friend this summer.

We for the most part have not taken young children to funerals...our oldest were babies with my nephew and 2 and 3 for fil, and we did not take them to the funerals.

As well, kids were all young with dh's grandparents... one lived out of state and only dh traveled to that for a small family funeral. His family murmured a bit of objection, but I was very pregnant (Ob said no flying and it would have been a 14 hour car ride) and had two young kids, so they did not push much since at least dh was attending. My kids did not know their great grandfather well and the cost and travel hassles just did not make sense for our family to all make the trip.

That was how it worked for us, and I hope you all can figure out the best plan for your family and that your husband's family will respect that decision.

 

[Aristomommy]

Thanks for your advice. We had some more discussions with DHs family and it seems that one sibling is going and the other one may not be able to go. DH would like to go to support his grandmother and his mother, not so much for himself. Some of the family members are upset that not everyone may be going, but I think they will calm down amd understand.

As far as DHs job, I'm sure they would understand, but he has the week lined up with meetings and deadlines, which would be difficult to rearrange. He would feel just as guilty if he went and didnt go...

We will be talking more today and we really need to make a decision by tomorrow.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

My sympathy to your family on your loss. My DH also lost his Grandfather this past week as well. Death can bring out the worst in families and show their true colors at least in our case. We had a bit of a drive to get to the funeral but it did not involve flying. My DH had to decide what parts of the arrangements he would attend. It was just him and I that went to the funeral we left our 4 kids with my mom. I have to say that we were glad at this decision as it was an open casket and though we didn't expect our loved one to look as in life we didn't expect what we saw. Holding a body for a week before having the funeral does nothing for appearances let's say. If our kids had seen how their G-Grandfather looked in the casket they would have been seriously traumatized.

So for the kids take those issues into consideration. As for your DH I think he needs to do what it is he feels is best for him and not what is best for everyone else especially considering the distance and cost involved. He needs to be able to feel good about his decision when this is all over. Most importantly it sounds like you are supporting whatever decision that he makes and that will mean a lot to him.

 

[bzzymom]

I guess I am lucky that my employer does a 5 day berevement pay for close family members in which the funeral is more than 300 miles away. If it is closer it is 3 days. As far as the kids go, it is hard to pick up the kids and go all that way.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[StephMK]

DH's aunt (like a second mom growing up) passed away suddenly in Sept. They are 6 hrs away so not a flight but it was still a decision. DH decided to go alone, he wanted to support his family but didn't want our younger ones 5&7 to experience that yet.

I think your DH should go alone if he feels that he needs to attend. Yes, it will be inconvenient to reschedule work but ultimately, will he feel worse for rescheduling or for missing his family during a critical time? I don't think all of you need to go.

 

[Darcy03231]

I think your DH should go alone if he feels that he needs to attend. Yes, it will be inconvenient to reschedule work but ultimately, will he feel worse for rescheduling or for missing his family during a critical time? I don't think all of you need to go.

I agree. We've had this same situation as DH's family lives far away from us. When his grandmother died he went on his own to help his mom.

 

[MiniGirl]

I feel as many of the others do. Is there any reason why it is all of you going or none of you? If your dh wants to go mainly to support his mom and other family, can he do that if ya'll are there? Would he feel obligated to entertain ya'll or help out with the kids? That sort of thing.

Good luck with this decision, and I'm sorry for your family's loss.

 

[Gillian]

I'm sorry about your news. It's always difficult to put things on hold to take care of family situations. I think it's unreasonable for your DH's family to insist that you all go, but it does seem like DH should try, even with the new job. It's a one time thing, and it's very emotional. People will always remember that you went out of your way to be there for a funeral.

 

[kittymarcy]

So sorry for your loss. I didn't see this addressed yet, but as for your question about the airlines, they will likely give a discount. When my grandmother passed away, I had to fly from one side of the country to the other last minute & was given a special airfare for both me & DH. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for your family.

 

[disykat]

If it were my dh's family, he would go alone, but he would go. If it were my family, probably neither of us would go.

I flew to visit each of my grandparents not too long before they died, but didn't attend any of their funerals. Like the OP, in my family, it was all about visiting while they were still living. In dh's family, most people are local and having the whole family together at the funeral would be seen as more important. Either family, however, would be understanding of the expense involved in travel and wouldn't expect the whole family.

I think sometimes it's helpful to think about whether the deceased would want you to incur financial hardship to attend their funeral.

 

[Aristomommy]

Thanks everyone. Initially it was insisted that we all go. Now it's acceptable that DH go alone, but he is still struggling with the decision. He is not a workaholic, but he was laid off before and is now very nervous about job performance etc. He just went through extensive (and expensive) training through the company and they let him take a paid vacation just a couple of weeks ago. This was an exception to the company policy, since we had the trip planned before he started with them. He feels that he needs to prove himself now that he is trained and he also has many meetings to attend this week that are very important. I feel bad for him, and told him not to worry and go, but he feels he may be putting his job in jeopardy. Had he been with the company for more than 3 months, it would be very different.

I'm surprised which family members have been the most opinionated though. DHs grandmother said that she understood and she prefered we would all come for a visit later on rather than a rushed 4-5 visit DH alone. It's the more distant relatives that live there that are fussing over our "selfishness" when they have a 30 min. drive to the funeral. They have never visited us since DH and I have been married. DH is very sensitive to this type of stuff, since he values family. I think he is leaning toward not going at this time.

 

[JacobsMommy11002]

Personally, I could not imagine not going to my grandfathers funeral. The money wouldn't even be aquestion in my mind. And I am sure his mom wants you all to come, because perhaps she needs the support. Was it her father? Maybe she needs her family around. Also, does his employer offer berevement pay? Most places give you around 3 days off for the death of a relative.

 

[JacobsMommy11002]

I just realized my post sounded a bit judgemental, and I certainly don't mean it to. This is how I feel towards my family, and I certainly don't expect everyone to have the same views and feelings as myself. Good luck in whatever decision you make, and I am so sorry foryour loss.

 

[noahdove]

I have no regrets when my husbands aunt passed on. My sister and I had a weekend away planned and everyone knew that. If the funeral was held when it should have been, I would have been there as well as my sister. I spent many hours with Aunt Mary and I didn't go to the service...I enjoyed the special times we had and Aunt Mary taught me one thing...don't be a hypocrit. since I knew she was in heaven I felt that I could go away with her approval Do what is best for you and your family, I am sure you have many happy memories as I have with A. Mary

 

[MommaSnowwhite]

When DH Grandmother passed away a couple of years ago he didn't go because of work. It was hard on his family, but now that their heads are clear they understand. I know that in the work climate that DH works in, it would be very hard to take off again. I wish you luck in your decision.

 

[dismiss]

My sympathy to the family. Unfortuneately this is one of those decisions that may effect one in the future. I know that one time I was on the fence about going to a relatives distant funeral( That would involve time and money etc). But my husband urged me to go, so as not to have regrets later on and I am happy he insisted I go, otherwise I would have questioned myself later on.
As other posters noted many employers understand these circumstances. Maybe DH could make the trip shorter 2-3 days.
As Jiminy Cricket says "Let your conscience be your guide" And good luck whatever the decision.

 

[Aristomommy]

Personally, I could not imagine not going to my grandfathers funeral. The money wouldn't even be aquestion in my mind. And I am sure his mom wants you all to come, because perhaps she needs the support. Was it her father? Maybe she needs her family around. Also, does his employer offer berevement pay? Most places give you around 3 days off for the death of a relative.

DH's company does not separate bereavement pay. You can take the time off excused but it comes out of the vacation/sick time/personal day bank. He does not have anything in there, so he would not get paid.