Writing an Obituary and the legal use of others names

[mamacatnv]

My Mother recently passed away and I have been tasked with writing her obituary. My parents are divorced. Yesterday my Dad informed me that he does not want his name anywhere in the obit, ok, that's fine wasn't planning on it but then he said something that made me wonder about the validity.

Dad stated that I cannot write something that names another by name and publish it without their permission, that the then named person could come after me legally.

Now. I'm certainly not writing a tell all book, I'm writing an obituary which will be published in the local newspaper. If I mention a sibling or a grandchild for example as a surviving relative, do I have to obtain their express permission to name them?

 

[clarabelle]

http://www.ehow.com/list_6935181_obituary-laws.html

Sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine it could be libel if you just mention someones name as a friend , relative or pall bearer.

 

[gwynne]

My Mother recently passed away and I have been tasked with writing her obituary. My parents are divorced. Yesterday my Dad informed me that he does not want his name anywhere in the obit, ok, that's fine wasn't planning on it but then he said something that made me wonder about the validity.

Dad stated that I cannot write something that names another by name and publish it without their permission, that the then named person could come after me legally.

Now. I'm certainly not writing a tell all book, I'm writing an obituary which will be published in the local newspaper. If I mention a sibling or a grandchild for example as a surviving relative, do I have to obtain their express permission to name them?

I am very sorry you lost your mom. It's sad that at a time when you could use gentle support, dad seems to be stirring the pot. It's fine if he wants to be out of the obit, but I don't think he should be worrying you with possible legal action because of an obituary. What kind of person would even think to do that?
Since he brought it up, though, I'd talk to the funeral director. Tell them exactly what your dad said. See what they advise. Chances are they are much better versed in this kind of thing than dad is.

 

[Heidict]

First off, sorry for the loss of your mother.

I never bothered obtaining anyone's permission when doing the obit for my sister, MIL or FIL. I have never heard of that and personally, I think your father is just talking out his...........Just reading your OP makes me wanna go over there and punch him for you. Why is it that there are always people who have to create drama and issues when instead he should be comforting and supporting you?

 

[NewRVLady]

I usually don't see divorced spouses mentioned in OBITS (I read them a lot)

I often don't see an estranged parent even mentioned in Marriage Announcements either

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My Mother recently passed away and I have been tasked with writing her obituary. My parents are divorced. Yesterday my Dad informed me that he does not want his name anywhere in the obit, ok, that's fine wasn't planning on it but then he said something that made me wonder about the validity.

Dad stated that I cannot write something that names another by name and publish it without their permission, that the then named person could come after me legally.

Now. I'm certainly not writing a tell all book, I'm writing an obituary which will be published in the local newspaper. If I mention a sibling or a grandchild for example as a surviving relative, do I have to obtain their express permission to name them?

I am so Sorry for your loss.


I cannot think of any law that would block you from naming siblings, children, or other relatives. Your father should not be using this time as an opportunity to be manipulative. I imagine he mentioned it to ensure his name would not be published. I agree that checking with your funeral director may help settle the matter. While he or she isn't an attorney, I'm pretty sure they would know if such a legal issue existed.

And really, who calls every relative to ask permission to list then in an obit?

 

[Shmily1]

I am sorry you are going through this. I had to do my mother's and was told that anyone you name in the obituary could try to make a claim on inheritance so only list immediate family members but nothing at all about having permission to use names. Tell him mind his own business.

 

[ronandannette]

First off, sorry for the loss of your mother.

I never bothered obtaining anyone's permission when doing the obit for my sister, MIL or FIL. I have never heard of that and personally, I think your father is just talking out his...........Just reading your OP makes me wanna go over there and punch him for you. Why is it that there are always people who have to create drama and issues when instead he should be comforting and supporting you?

I worked in a funeral home and most often (unless the family really wanted surnames used) we would draft the obituaries using first names only. Eg: "...lovingly remembered by her daughter Mary, cousin Sue and former husband Bill." There is no law anywhere against this and I agree with Heidict that your Dad is a jerk.

 

[Geoff_M]

Dad stated that I cannot write something that names another by name and publish it without their permission, that the then named person could come after me legally.

Now. I'm certainly not writing a tell all book, I'm writing an obituary which will be published in the local newspaper. If I mention a sibling or a grandchild for example as a surviving relative, do I have to obtain their express permission to name them?

No, what your father claims is complete hogwash. If it were true, only positive articles about people would ever be published. You're also, in this case, dealing with statements of legal fact. It was, I assume, a legal marriage and as such would have been in the public record that the two of them were once husband and wife.

 

[RitaE]

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom.

Generally under law, you are allowed to write or say something about a person if it is the truth.

For instance, I can write Bill Gates was one of the original founders of the Microsoft corporation in any book, blog, newspaper or anywhere else and he will not win any sort of lawsuit because it is a verifiable fact. I don't need his permission to write that and publish it.

But I can't make up a bunch of nasty rumors about him and expect the same defense.

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this sort of drama in addition to your grief.

 

[Jedana]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very hard to deal with.


I do indexing for a genealogy group, and the way obits are written are all over the board.

for example, some have a lot of first/last names but fewer relationships (i.e. Mary Smith, Tommy Jones, but not daughter Mary Smith and son-in-law Tommy Jones). Some have just first names (son Bob and daughter-in-law Tammy, nephew George)

others have everyone from grandparents down to pets (Grandmother Mary Brown, step-sister-in-law twice removed June Cleaver, dog Spot)

Some have no information (Smith, Bob funeral home xxxx)

Others have a ton (Smith, Robert Andrew, "Bob" or "Wookie snookems" who died of ptomaine poisoning after suffering a heart attack while climbing Mount Shasta at the age of 48 years, 2 months. Married to Jean Grey, formerly married to Eliza Doolittle, Brenda Hotpants, Julia Roberts and Barbara "the mat" Dolson. graduated from Tightpants university with a degree in topical engineering, after serving in the Army for 5 years as a PFC, ran Bob's bakery until he retired in 1959 and then became a greeter at Walmart. Loved to travel with Jean in their 45 wheel RV and went to every KOA campground at least once.)

(Of course all these examples are made up)

Write the obit how you feel comfortable doing so. Name names and relationships if you wish, highlight your mother's life or give no information. If
Dad does not want to be in the obit, leave him out.

 

[mamacatnv]

Thanks all - Mother had been "end stage" dementia for a little over 6 years, her passing was a blessing but thank you for all the condolences.

I am used to Dad being a bit of a butt head so the comment didn't take me by complete surprise but I was unsure of the actual legality.

It didn't sound right when he said that if I published someone's name without that persons permission that I could be asking for legal trouble. That was the main point I was trying to clarify.

Thank you all for the replies, while I did not intend to name Dad as in:
"Mother(name) married "dad (name)" in XXXX and then moved to X where they raised two children....."
I actually worded it along the lines of: "Married in 19XX then moved to X where her children were born and raised, eventually returning to X where she resided until her death"

Sometimes people are just difficult

 

[MickeySP]

Sorry for your loss I am also sorry Dad is being a bit of a butt head.

The funeral director will know what you can or can't put in the obit. We have a relative like this, when my Dad died he was also - don't mention me. Simple response, wasn't going to you weren't that important to him.

 

[shortbun]

I've never seen an obit that used first names only. Unfortunately, I've written 3 of them in the last five years. I think the funeral director will know the ropes and get a paper today to read some obits before you write your mother's. So sorry to you and the rest of your family. This isn't about your father in any way, shape or form. Ignore him and move on.

 

[tvguy]

Once in a while you'll see two obits for the same person in the paper. There is usually one person mentioned in one, and one person not mentioned in the other.
Even seen this with two entirely different memorial services listed.

Your name is public information so I sure can't think of any reason an adults name couldn't be used. I can see the full names of minor children being something you want to make sure everyone is okay with in some circumstances.

Neighbor of 30 years died and the obit included the names of 4 children ......we only knew of 3. Those 3 felt the fourth child's name.....their half sister... should be included in the record of their father's death, even though that child had not seen her father in 40 years. She was still his child.

 

[pogo791]

Thanks all - Mother had been "end stage" dementia for a little over 6 years, her passing was a blessing but thank you for all the condolences.

I am used to Dad being a bit of a butt head so the comment didn't take me by complete surprise but I was unsure of the actual legality.

It didn't sound right when he said that if I published someone's name without that persons permission that I could be asking for legal trouble. That was the main point I was trying to clarify.

Thank you all for the replies, while I did not intend to name Dad as in:
"Mother(name) married "dad (name)" in XXXX and then moved to X where they raised two children....."
I actually worded it along the lines of: "Married in 19XX then moved to X where her children were born and raised, eventually returning to X where she resided until her death"

Sometimes people are just difficult

I'm very sorry for your loss. DW has recently lost both parents, and we know this is a very difficult time.

The way you phrased the obit sounds very elegant.

As to your original question, your dad definitely comes across as insensitive (sorry to say that), but also as - at the best - badly informed. Clarabelle already provided you with a good link. With the obituary, you are honoring your mother's memory. You may, if you wish, mention anyone you want by name (first name or full name) who you believe has been relevant to the life of your mother: relatives, friends, mentors, famous people she has been inspired by, and so on. Certainly, had you wished to have done so, you would have had the right to mention that your mother had been married to [full name of your father]. That is a simple fact. It is quite generous of you to respect also the express wish of your father, and leave his name out.

The one basic restriction in writing an obituary is libel. It is not libel to say that your father was married to your mother; it is a matter of record. It would be libel if a person is mentioned in a way that defames or maliciously misrepresents him or her. A typical example would be a statement that so-and-so acted cruelly towards your mother, abused her or took advantage of her when she was ill.

Incidentally, mentioning someone in an obituary has no relevance to the distribution of the inheritance. That is determined by completely other factors, such as whether or not there is a will, and what is in it.

 

[NewRVLady]

Some have no information (Smith, Bob funeral home xxxx)

Others have a ton (Smith, Robert Andrew, "Bob" or "Wookie snookems" who died of ptomaine poisoning after suffering a heart attack while climbing Mount Shasta at the age of 48 years, 2 months. Married to Jean Grey, formerly married to Eliza Doolittle, Brenda Hotpants, Julia Roberts and Barbara "the mat" Dolson. graduated from Tightpants university with a degree in topical engineering, after serving in the Army for 5 years as a PFC, ran Bob's bakery until he retired in 1959 and then became a greeter at Walmart. Loved to travel with Jean in their 45 wheel RV and went to every KOA campground at least once.)

(Of course all these examples are made up)

.

I love your pretend detailed OBIT

This reminds me=every Sunday the new York Times has one really detailed Wedding announcement. It usually has a long history of the couple-how they met-how their careers sent them all over the world and how they accidentally bumped into each other while on a date with others, then hooked up....long winding stories- I LOVE THEM!!!!