Would you want to know if your spouse is cheating on you?

[InDueTime]

.....

 

[tiggersmom2]

Yes, I would definitely want to know so I could get my knife sharpened and my blender ready!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd want to know. If the person who told me was a very good friend, I'd probably believe him or her, or at least I'd put enough stock into what they thought to do some more investigation myself for solid proof.

I had a friend who went through this. Hubby was cheating, she found out, did the counselling thing, "everything was fine", he was still cheating, I knew it, did the anonymous letter thing written as if it were from someone that her hubby and his GF worked with, she followed him to the GF's house one night based on the info in the letter(you would be AMAZED at how easy it is to get info if you know where to look or who to ask or even how to ask!!), caught him and GF going out, and divorced him.

I am a believer in marriage. I am a believer in "until death do us part" for most things other than infidelity. I am more of a believer in integrity, and someone who cheats has none. Integrity is the basis for every other character trait we have, so if your character is built on a weak foundation, what kind of person will you be? My DH has known from Day 1 of our marriage that I will weather any storm with him, but will not, for one minute, tolerate cheating. There will be no counselling,there will be no second chance.

 

[Beauty]

Yes I would definatly want to know!!

I've been put in this situation with my best friend. There are three of us who grew up together and have been best friends since childhood. Not only was her DH cheating on her over and over and with different women, he was also doing drugs.

We had an intervention and told her everything. She was mad with us temporarily and didn't believe us at first. Then she went home and opened her eyes.

It was an AWFUL time but she did divorce him.

 

[PamNC]

I would want to know and I would leave him.

Simple as that!

PamNC

 

[joats]

I would want to know and honestly think that I would already know if DH was.

I may get reamed for this, but marriages consist of two people and I think that while the cheating spouse is to blame...so is the non-cheating spouse. It's 50/50. I think that if a person has to go out and cheat, there is clearly already something wrong with the marriage and those (pre-cheat) problems should have been addressed long before. This is my opinion for what it is worth.

That being said, I had a friend once tell me she thought her boyfriend (at the time) was cheating on her, but that she didn't really want to know. Well, I found out after that conversation that he was and didn't tell her until they broke up. She understood why I didn't tell her. She cleary wasn't ready to hear it and neeed to deal w/it in her own time.

Again, yes I'd want to know, but believe I would be able to tell ahead of time, and get things in the marraige back on track.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by joats
I would want to know and honestly think that I would already know if DH was.

I may get reamed for this, but marriages consist of two people and I think that while the cheating spouse is to blame...so is the non-cheating spouse. It's 50/50. I think that if a person has to go out and cheat, there is clearly already something wrong with the marriage and those (pre-cheat) problems should have been addressed long before. This is my opinion for what it is worth.

/B]

I won't ream you but I really have to disagree with this. A person that <i>cheats</i> owns 100% of that responsibility and blame. Nobody says you have to stay in a marriage that isn't working, but to run around behind someone's back is wrong, wrong, wrong. That person made the choice to be deceitful, cowardly, and dishonest -- not the non-cheating spouse.

 

[Christine]

joats,
No flames here and ITA with what you said.

I think that there are "serial" cheaters out there and then there are those who have marital problems, feel like they can't be resolved, yet feel trapped in a marriage for financial reasons. Sometimes after awhile, two people who are married don't have much in common but divorce is not an answer. Cheating is not a good solution either, but I have seen some very normal, nice, people-you-wouldn't-expect types get involved with another person--and it's not wham-bam and on to the next. In those cases, yes there is something definitely wrong with the marriage and usually both parties are ignoring it. I'm not saying this makes it all okay, but just agreeing that there are reasons why some women/men have their head in the sand and eyes closed and may not want to deal with it.

 

[joats]

Well, let me just add that my perspective is from a therapeutic angle. I hestitated to add my two cents as people usually don't like what Marriage and Family Therapists have to say because that requires they may need to change behaviors and thinking.

Christine, I agree w/you. I do believe that there are "serial" cheaters out there. In my opinion the dynamics are the same and they keep picking the same type of partner over and over again instead of looking at themselves. And that partner tends to go thru life picking the same type of "cheater" unless change is made.

I apologize if I have offended anyone, it's just that marriages and their workings (and not workings) are a subject close to my heart and mind.

Being cheated on totally sucks! Cheating anyway you look at it, is a difficult situation.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by joats
Well, let me just add that my perspective is from a therapeutic angle. I hestitated to add my two cents as people usually don't like what Marriage and Family Therapists have to say because that requires they may need to change behaviors and thinking.

Christine, I agree w/you. I do believe that there are "serial" cheaters out there. In my opinion the dynamics are the same and they keep picking the same type of partner over and over again instead of looking at themselves. And that partner tends to go thru life picking the same type of "cheater" unless change is made.

I apologize if I have offended anyone, it's just that marriages and their workings (and not workings) are a subject close to my heart and mind.

Being cheated on totally sucks! Cheating anyway you look at it, is a difficult situation.

You didn't offend me -- I just think you are wrong. Yes, it takes 2 people to mess up a marriage. No, it is not the other person's fault if his or her spouse decideds to cheat, lie and decieve. (and be a coward about it)

And Ive never been cheated on -- or not that I know of anyway . I'm just lookng at this from a "people should take responsibility for their actions" perspective.

 

[Cinders]

I have a close friend who just got divorced. Seems her DH had been cheating on her and some of their other friends suspected this but never told her. Her DH finally told her only after his GF had their baby. After they split her other friends came forward and she was very hurt no one told her he was cheating. They already had 3 children and he didnt want anymore.....guess that changed.

 

[sm4987]

Yes, I would want to know. I also would clue someone else in. I know I would feel horrible if no one told me my husband was cheating on me

 

[totalia]

Yes. And then I would leave him.

Be careful though, if you tell her, people have a tendancy to "shoot the messenger".

 

[pokiemomo181]

Yes, I would want to know so I could plan his funeral in advance.


Pokie

 

[IamTink]

If it were my friend, I would tell her...in person. If this has been going on as long as you believe it has, she probably has an inkling that something is up. Marriages that break up after 10 years are usually because there is another person involved.